The Klonopin Klub

Hey all. Jaxnj is in the house. 

SkyZ, we're here for you. Personally I wish I could speak of a taper - I really can't because I didn't have one (went c/t 2mg to 0). But what I can say is please be easy on yourself (Brian is great at this). You will get through this, I promise you that. But it looks like you want to taper fairly quickly and like you said, little to moderate withdrawal symptoms. As well as no protracted withdrawal syndrome. I'm sure there are people out there who didn't have a lot of that, and they're probably not on BenzoBuddies because it's been easier for them. I did have protracted withdrawal syndrome, it was absolute hell, but I'm here to talk about it now that it's gone. Put it this way...it's a few months of crappyness that will give way to a great life and a sense of being part of the world. Windows of normalcy (see Lizie) that eventually become one big window that doesn't go away. As I always say, keep fighting. You will get through this. I promise that! Hope this helps...

SkyZ, here's another thing: take Tranquility. Why don't you buddy up with Tranq and help each other? I know Genoa and I came on board the same time and we're kind of like that. You don't have to feel alone in this. As far as bone loss, I hope not. But again, Rek and I (and Intend, I think) are at the age when we might experience that anyway.

Sun, I know what you mean that you feel closer to us than your friends. The only people who understand really what I've been through are my husband, and my best friend who has also been through it and knows how it is. Other than that, this is my community to get support, give support and get thoughts and feedback from others. It has helped me through more than I can express.

Rek, how's the Invasion going? Hopefully smoothly, hang in there.

Today's just a day to hit the ground running at work. I sell insurance for a large brokerage and this could go either way, given that Sandy turned everyone's lives upside down. I really can't stand that we literally steal business from others, cannot stand it. It's not my way. It used to be that my commission made up for the sleaziness I felt, but now that's gone. And my boss, pardon my french, is a dickwad. Maybe I'll hear from the software company that's wooing me today. We'll see - there's always hope.

Have a wonderful day, peeps. 

Hey all. Jaxnj is in the house. 

 

SkyZ, we're here for you. Personally I wish I could speak of a taper - I really can't because I didn't have one (went c/t 2mg to 0). But what I can say is please be easy on yourself (Brian is great at this). You will get through this, I promise you that. But it looks like you want to taper fairly quickly and like you said, little to moderate withdrawal symptoms. As well as no protracted withdrawal syndrome. I'm sure there are people out there who didn't have a lot of that, and they're probably not on BenzoBuddies because it's been easier for them. I did have protracted withdrawal syndrome, it was absolute hell, but I'm here to talk about it now that it's gone. Put it this way...it's a few months of crappyness that will give way to a great life and a sense of being part of the world. Windows of normalcy (see Lizie) that eventually become one big window that doesn't go away. As I always say, keep fighting. You will get through this. I promise that! Hope this helps...

 

SkyZ, here's another thing: take Tranquility. Why don't you buddy up with Tranq and help each other? I know Genoa and I came on board the same time and we're kind of like that. You don't have to feel alone in this. As far as bone loss, I hope not. But again, Rek and I (and Intend, I think) are at the age when we might experience that anyway.

 

Sun, I know what you mean that you feel closer to us than your friends. The only people who understand really what I've been through are my husband, and my best friend who has also been through it and knows how it is. Other than that, this is my community to get support, give support and get thoughts and feedback from others. It has helped me through more than I can express.

 

Rek, how's the Invasion going? Hopefully smoothly, hang in there.

 

Today's just a day to hit the ground running at work. I sell insurance for a large brokerage and this could go either way, given that Sandy turned everyone's lives upside down. I really can't stand that we literally steal business from others, cannot stand it. It's not my way. It used to be that my commission made up for the sleaziness I felt, but now that's gone. And my boss, pardon my french, is a dickwad. Maybe I'll hear from the software company that's wooing me today. We'll see - there's always hope.

 

Have a wonderful day, peeps. 

Thank You, Jax!  I really appreciate your feedback. I truly love this thread.  I think I will try to buddie up with Tranq.  That is a good idea.  Let's all be buddies!  None of us have to be alone in any of this, even when it is all over.     

-SkyZone-

SkyZone, it sounds as though you are really suffering--can you tell us a little bit more specifically what your symptoms are right now?  Would you say they're more physiological, more psychological, or sort of an equal mix?  I'm really concerned--where you are right now is an awful place to be in.  I'm not sure, though, that if you're experience tolerance withdrawal this means you should taper even faster.  One thing I suspect is that whatever you've read or heard about bone mass may be adding to whatever panic the drug all by itself can cause.  Are you able to sleep at all?  Lack of sleep compounds whatever else is happening--whether it's body pain, panic/anxiety, or whatever.  If there's anything non-benzo (probably ideally not a Z-drug like Ambien, either) that works for you to help with sleep, perhaps it's worth considering. 

Look, my friend, this WILL pass, I assure you it will.  You're dealing with the challenge of how to conduct your taper and withdrawal, calibrating things in a way that can work for you.  It's really hard to do this alone, and doctors--at least as far as I can see--aren't much help.  But you will get through it all.  I hope others will respond to you soon with more advice, but if you can do tell us some specifics of what you're experiencing at the moment.

We're all rooting for you, OK?

Rek

SkyZone, it sounds as though you are really suffering--can you tell us a little bit more specifically what your symptoms are right now?  Would you say they're more physiological, more psychological, or sort of an equal mix?  I'm really concerned--where you are right now is an awful place to be in.  I'm not sure, though, that if you're experience tolerance withdrawal this means you should taper even faster.  One thing I suspect is that whatever you've read or heard about bone mass may be adding to whatever panic the drug all by itself can cause.  Are you able to sleep at all?  Lack of sleep compounds whatever else is happening--whether it's body pain, panic/anxiety, or whatever.  If there's anything non-benzo (probably ideally not a Z-drug like Ambien, either) that works for you to help with sleep, perhaps it's worth considering. 

 

Look, my friend, this WILL pass, I assure you it will.  You're dealing with the challenge of how to conduct your taper and withdrawal, calibrating things in a way that can work for you.  It's really hard to do this alone, and doctors--at least as far as I can see--aren't much help.  But you will get through it all.  I hope others will respond to you soon with more advice, but if you can do tell us some specifics of what you're experiencing at the moment.

 

We're all rooting for you, OK?

 

Rek

You are so kind   

I am alright.  I just feel that my regular 2mg/day dose is no longer working for me and that if I don't make a decision soon, I will most likely start having worse symptoms.  Right now my symptoms are as follows: mild insomnia, mild anxiety, mild confusion, feeling like I don't know what to do about my taper.  Fear to talk to my doctor about it and some agitation and palpitations and slight depression and also a loss of interest in my life's goals that really mean allot to me.  These all are not that bad at the moment though.  I just feel the urgent need to figure out what to do before it gets bad.  Thank you so much for your concern and for caring. 

-SkyZone-

Hi everyone,

looks like I'm having a hard time keeping up with everyone here.

I'm glad to see that some are making steps towards recovery, but at the same time it pains me to see how others still struggle...myself included.

As much as I try to stay strong and fight (mostly with myself) I'm having such a hard time keeping it together. I'm in so much physical pain - today I was awakened not by my typical adrenaline/cortisol rushes, but by waves of pain going from my toes up to my head. Yesterday my heart rate stayed well above 100, and when I decided I should get some rest and tried to lie down for a while it dropped to 90. I tried going shopping, but we had to come back home 1/2 hour later as I didn't feel well (a feeling I can't even describe). Last night as soon as I hit the bed my legs started hurting, then the pins and needles took over, then I started itching allover. Took a benadryl hoping for some relief... No luck there. I'm constantly tired and weak.

I feel like a total wreck- physical and emotional. I feel like I have nothing to offer anymore to those around me but bitterness and sadness. I can't recall what feeling normal feels like, all I can do is curl up in a corner and feel miserable. Not to mention that deep down I have the feeling that there is something terribly wrong with me and the drs just failed to figure it out yet.

Sorry if I'm spoiling the mood here...but I keep swimming against the stream and to be perfectly honest I've lost my strength, my patience, my...self.

Hope your day is better than mine.

Blessings

Amy

Hi everyone,

looks like I'm having a hard time keeping up with everyone here.

I'm glad to see that some are making steps towards recovery, but at the same time it pains me to see how others still struggle...myself included.

As much as I try to stay strong and fight (mostly with myself) I'm having such a hard time keeping it together. I'm in so much physical pain - today I was awakened not by my typical adrenaline/cortisol rushes, but by waves of pain going from my toes up to my head. Yesterday my heart rate stayed well above 100, and when I decided I should get some rest and tried to lie down for a while it dropped to 90. I tried going shopping, but we had to come back home 1/2 hour later as I didn't feel well (a feeling I can't even describe). Last night as soon as I hit the bed my legs started hurting, then the pins and needles took over, then I started itching allover. Took a benadryl hoping for some relief... No luck there. I'm constantly tired and weak.

I feel like a total wreck- physical and emotional. I feel like I have nothing to offer anymore to those around me but bitterness and sadness. I can't recall what feeling normal feels like, all I can do is curl up in a corner and feel miserable. Not to mention that deep down I have the feeling that there is something terribly wrong with me and the drs just failed to figure it out yet.

Sorry if I'm spoiling the mood here...but I keep swimming against the stream and to be perfectly honest I've lost my strength, my patience, my...self.

Hope your day is better than mine.

Blessings

Amy

Greeting, Amy,

I feel your pain.  I can only recommend to try to thing about positive things right now, despite all of the horrid things going on.  One of the worst feelings in the world is the feeling of not knowing who you are anymore.  I had a bad trip with taking 20-60 benadryls at one time on an almost daily basis for about 4 years and after I quit taking those pills, I had the most horrific withdraw imaginable.  I felt so depressed that I just could not enjoy myself and felt like I had NO serotonin in my brain.  I felt like a soul without a body.  The anxiety was also unbearable.  Since then, I still feel like I lost a part of myself that I once knew and am still searching for myself.  If you keep on moving forward, I am sure things will get much better.  I believe one day soon, you will be looking back on all of this and being so thankful it is all over.  You will have your life back, and you and I both will find ourselves again.  I just prayed a special prayer for you and I know God heard me.  Much Love and Peace to you! 

-SkyZone-

Skyzone ..... I hear your stress ..... I am sensing that titration may be misunderstood here. 

It's a method, not a schedule. 

It is more accurate than pill cutting, and you can reduce at your own speed. 

As I mentioned before, when I dry cut at the beginning 25%, I had five weeks of severe flu and two weeks of deep depression ...... but when I started titrating with milk ...... the symptoms became more manageable. 

I have a schedule, that is slower now that I am on a low dose, but I don't necessarily keep to it. 

I listen to my body ...... sometimes progressing, sometimes holding ........ usually progressing .......... it all depends on my symptoms. 

Hope .... yes I have the hair problem, too.  I know mine is related to this misery.  I think, for me, it definitely correlates with a struggling cns.  I have read on this site, though, that it does improve again after a few months.

Brian .... I hope this week goes well for you.  I like your attitude and plan!

If I write any more, my neck will start shouting ...... so all for now ...... hang in there Amy, my dear .... you will recover....

Lizie

Sometimes it helps me to look back to see what I've been through to see how far I've come. This is taken from my 51-day mark:

I want my Klonopin every day, around the same time which is noontime. That's when I crave it the most. Some trouble with memory loss, hearing, perpetual headache. Sounds are LOUD. Able to concentrate at work, which is good. Can't drink coffee after 1:00PM because my body will start twitching. Acute sense of smell today for some reason.

Honestly, this doesn't even sound like me anymore. For me, a good example of getting through and coming out on the other side...

Skyzone ..... I hear your stress ..... I am sensing that titration may be misunderstood here. 

It's a method, not a schedule. 

It is more accurate than pill cutting, and you can reduce at your own speed. 

As I mentioned before, when I dry cut at the beginning 25%, I had five weeks of severe flu and two weeks of deep depression ...... but when I started titrating with milk ...... the symptoms became more manageable. 

I have a schedule, that is slower now that I am on a low dose, but I don't necessarily keep to it. 

I listen to my body ...... sometimes progressing, sometimes holding ........ usually progressing .......... it all depends on my symptoms. 

 

Hope .... yes I have the hair problem, too.  I know mine is related to this misery.  I think, for me, it definitely correlates with a struggling cns.  I have read on this site, though, that it does improve again after a few months.

 

Brian .... I hope this week goes well for you.  I like your attitude and plan!

 

If I write any more, my neck will start shouting ...... so all for now ...... hang in there Amy, my dear .... you will recover....

 

Lizie

 

Thanks Lizzie.  I might as well give titration a try.  It can't hurt.

SkyZone, Lizie,

thanks for your kind words.

I can barely muster the strength to type. Went to get some breakfast only to find myself too weak and came back to my ("safe haven") bed. The weather doesn't help either. It,s dark, gloomy, raining...

Sky,

i have days when i feel like a soul without a body and days when I'm a body without a soul ...don't really know which is worse.

I hope God heard your special prayer, I'll say one for you too, and for all of us going through this.

Jax,

coffee? What is coffee? I had to give that up last year, the palps I was getting were too much to handle. Needles to say it was my guilty pleasure.

Blessings,

Amy

Well,

This how I feel and what i know for what it's worth. Protracted withdrawl is not limited to a few weeks or months after getting off a benzo. It depends on the individual. Jax, if yours was limited to 51 days after being on for such a length of time, that is wonderful and unusual.

Protracted w/d will follow a bell curve in that at one end will be those who have a couple of months of difficulty and then really start to improve. On the other end are those who will go for literally years (perhaps 3 or more) before beginning to see consistent improvement. In the middle (the mean/average and out to 2 standard deviations from the mean) of this protracted w/d curve, are a great majority who will experience sx after getting off for somewhere between 6 to 18 months.

And the most effective way known to minimize that situation is to cut small, and hold on those cuts slowly. If someone is in tolerance w/d, and they cut, and held awhile and didn't feel great, it's generally because it's just harder to taper down and feel manageable sx when in tolerance w/d. But having said that, once again there are  folks who feel better when they do cut at a time when the sx seem kind of hard. It is just individual.

IMO, Lizie is right about titration. It is not hard at all. But you have to at least try it before saying it's too hard for you. It can be inconvenient in that you have to use a liquid, and prepare your doses, and maybe even take a little jar with a dose with you when you leave your house.

But each of us can do what we need to do for ourselves. I just believe in information. A drop of .125 mgs of K is equivalent to 2.5 mgs of Valium. Even Ashton, who I and many think advocated a too aggressive taper using only Valium never recommend drops like that except at the higher doses of V like being on 40 to 60 mgs. For those on benzos shorter periods of time, this drop could easily apply and be ok. But generally, for those on longer, not so much.

I will titrate as I want to give my GABA receptors every chance to up regulate, and I know that if I start by dropping to aggressively, I'm just throwing the dice on feeling ok. I already tried an "unbenzowise " Xanax taper, and did ok, until I got down from 2 mgs to around 1.35 mgs, and I did speed up for sure from Jan 2011 to July 2011, and that's when I started to really wonder what was wrong. Now I know. I'm doing what I need to do for me, and I don't even know what will happen, but I want to give myself a chance.

Intend

Wow, a bunch of you are having a REALLY hard time right now, and I am so sorry.  It is misery, and it feels as though it's going to be forever, but as Jax and I both witness, it's not.  She and I both seem to have some residual symptoms, and they're a nuisance, but neither of us feels that her life is taken over by a drug, the way you feel when you're in withdrawal (whether inter-dose or off).  And it does feel that way--you feel helpless, in the jaws of something bigger than you are, and meaner than anything you've ever encountered.  Every time I read about this kind of thing, I get mad at the doctors all over again for being so clueless, for not understanding how bad this is.  You guys will be all right, you will, you will.  I agree with SkyZone while at the same time acknowledging that it can be difficult-to-impossible to summon up positive thoughts.  If you can, try to remember that your REAL life, and the real YOU, are both somewhere muffled inside this cocoon of pain and fear.  I know how the physical pain goes--you lie down, and you can't get comfortable, because EVERYTHING hurts.  I couldn't rest a knee against the mattress, it hurt so much.  At times I could only lie on my back (a position I don't like for sleeping, but I had no choice).  It gets better it gets better it gets better--please take the best care of yourselves that you can.  It's hard to give up stuff like caffeine (if you're into that; I had to give up my black tea for a while), but if there's anything that you can substitute that's benign, like ginger tea, or chamomile, or holy basil (tulsi), maybe try those things, just for the comfort that's in that warm cup of something.

I'm thinking of you all, and my heart goes out to you.

Warm thoughts from

Rek

Rek,

Thanks for your thoughtful post. You and Jax are fortunate to be off, and it's just a fact that most on will have to "suffer" to some degree.

As you said, both you and she still have some sx that are still there, and others getting better. I dislike (sometimes) that I am so focused on getting off, and don't talk about my other life so to speak, but that's what's happening for me right now. Of course, I do work very hard, and I've been very careful to literally time (pick the day) to do my exchanges to K from X so that I would be as functional as possible at work because my job requires critical thinking, and during my w/d moments and days, that's tough.

I also may have gone over the top here with my last post, but I just felt it necessary to let others know what protracted can be, plus neglected to say that it can be so minimized or almost eliminated by slow and careful tapering. So, for me, this thread seems very positive, and upbeat.

I hope I'm not "bringing it down" because I don't want to do that. But it's on the withdrawl and recovery section, so that's different than the Buddie blogs. So I'm focused on W and R.

Intend

I don't think you're bringing it down, Intend--we CAN be lighthearted sometimes when we feel up to it, but this is still serious business, no doubt about it.  Sometimes I think it might not be stretching a point to suggest that the challenge of getting off Klonopin/clonazepam approaches that of kicking heroin, especially when I read cries of distress like some of the posts that went up today.  I'm glad that people who come to the Klonopin Klub feel free to express however they're feeling, because here is where they'll find people who GET it.  Meanwhile, I want to say again that your work is great, and I admire you for being able to keep at it, despite what you're up against in your own life right now.

Everyone, I want to call your attention to a web site I found (actually while trying to find out more about whether bone loss is a significant concern with benzo-use--haven't gotten far with that question so far): http://www.theroadback.org.  It looks as though you can get a free download, if you want it, of a guide called How to Get Off Psychoactive Drugs Safely.  I've never seen this book, so I don't know how it compares to, say, the Ashton Manual.  But I thought I would put the information out there, for anyone who'd like to pursue it.

Oh, I am thinking of you all.  Wishing and hoping for wellness to come soon to everyone who posts here, and indeed everyone who's going through this ordeal.

Peace,

Rek   

Rek,

I just looked at the road back site. They're not into selling supplements, but definitely into using them. There is a section on benzos, and there are many supplements plus B vitamins they recommend.

Individuals can check this out. Often times folks on benzos do not do well on certain supplements and B vitamins are often difficult. Nevertheless, I have heard of them, they do address many medications that folks here are also trying to taper, and bodily responses are definitely individual.

Once again, I appreciate your supportive attitude for all of us. This is a Monday for me, and I'm fairly worn out and doing my share here of resting and posting.

Intend

Ah yes, that's interesting--I've heard, too, that supplements can be tricky with benzodiazepine withdrawal.  I'm taking quite a few--hope I'm not unwittingly sabotaging myself: MSM (which is supposed to be completely free of side-effects), glucosamine-chondroitin, calcium (I have to take that one, speaking of bone loss), acidophilus (have to take this one, too), zinc, fish oil, and sometimes magnesium.  But you're right, Intend, that in principle people in withdrawal should approach supplements with caution.  Thanks for pointing that out.

You must be exhausted indeed.  I hope you rest well tonight!

Rek 

Hey all...just a fast note about my post where I quoted myself at 51 days out...this was basically in the throes of protracted withdrawal, not at it's end. I think that my post-acute stuff ended at or around 3 months. What a frustrating time...I really understand how so many of you are feeling...

But hey, since I think I'm in danger of venting about my stupid job and people's jerkiness and my husband's boss's jerkiness, I'm going to turn in here. Hang in everyone and I'll catch up in the morning.

Four deep breaths. My 3 words of wisdom for tonight...

Hey, Jax -

The working world--it's not pretty a lot of the time.  Sorry about your frustration and stress!  I hope the deep breaths helped, and you and your husband sleep well.

Everyone, get some restorative sleep--hope you all can.  Me, too: I'm going to go give it a shot right now.  Good night . . .

Rek

Good Morning, Klub! Yet more nightmares last night.  Every night.  Anyone else experience godawful nightmares? Still, I manage not to wake in a panic every day. Strangely enough, with an anti-anxiety pill like K, I would wake up chock-full of anxiety. Not anymore. So I guess that's a good thing.

I think that it's probably that my mind is full of anger because of people lacking common decency, morals & ethics. For me, many of you know I'm in Sales and by definition it's cutthroat. I work damn hard to lay groundwork, to make things easier on myself...and there is roadblock after roadblock after roadblock. I'm always second-guessing and rethinking. To make a long story short, a TON of business was stolen from me from various sources, who capitalized on my work. And called it their own. So I've been internally screaming...maybe that's the bad dreams talking.

As far as my husband...he's one of the only truly decent guys I know and his boss keeps dangling a bonus in front of him and taking it away. We've decided it's time for him to look elsewhere.

Sorry I'm venting this morning, Klub. I try not to do this too often. I'll be back in a few hours to check in.

Til then, hugs.

Vent away, Jax--sounds to me as if you've got more than ample reason to do so, and again I'm sorry about all the stress!  DO WE NEED THIS??  I've heard plenty about the arbitrariness, the power-mongering, and the general incivility of the corporate workplace--gives a whole new meaning to the expression, "It's a jungle out there."  Are you too young to remember the immortal Gilda Radner (may she rest in peace) as Rosanne Rosanna Danna, ranting about job-hunting?  "They all told me the same thing.  'You're overqualified, you're underqualified, it's a jungle out there, a woman's place is in the home, don't call us, we'll call you, drop dead, have a nice day, g'bye.'"  She did it on Saturday Night Live, but also as part of her commencement address to the Columbia School of Journalism in 1979--here you go: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qd_syuD-N_k

As for those nightmares--I wonder, you know, whether that could be residual PTSD?  Someone close to me was beaten mercilessly as a child, and the trauma of that experience seems to come out in dreams on a pretty regular basis.  Anyway, I'm sorry to hear that your nights are disturbed like this.  I guess it's better than not sleeping at all, but it can make it harder to get a positive start on the following day.

Greetings to the Klub at large--hope everyone is doing OK -

Rek

Good morning K Klubbers,

It's been a few weeks since I've checked in, and I've missed more than I have time to catch up on.  I made a cut of 3.2% last night and I can say one thing with absolute certainty - I should not have had that cup of green tea this morning.  Caffeine definitely makes things worse for me, but I decided to try it this morning to see how it would go.  I hope I can sleep tonight. 

Since beginning micro-tapering, I don't have any acute w/d sxs.  Stress is hard (harder than usual, and found in small things), and I'm working on getting my dosages balanced with hormone replacement therapy in the midst of tapering, but I'm getting close!  Without sxs of hormone imbalance (anxiety, brain fog, insomnia, depression, joint pain and just all kinds of sxs shared with w/d) w/d sxs probably won't seem so bad.  And it would help if I didn't shoot myself in the foot by consuming caffeine.

I have a plan to continue cutting 0.03mg every two weeks for the rest of the year and then would like to pick up the pace in the new year - but I know that cutting around 2% my sxs only escalate for a couple days out of two weeks.  For me, I think slowing down is a better option than extending a hold.  I still worry about prolonging dependence and making it worse for myself down the road.  Past me is always screwing over future me and I'd like to try to avoid that in tapering.  We'll see how this week goes - the idea is to minimize sxs during the holiday season, a notoriously stressful time of year.  Minimizing Christmas will also help to minimize sxs.

I think the most important progress I've made is that I've reached acceptance.  Titration has become routine and I've accepted that it will take as long as it takes, although if I think about it too much it bums me out.

I wish everyone the best in their tapers and recoveries!

~D

Well I've continued to take it easy today. I have much to do, but have been on too long again reading and posting.

I am, as I near my total exchange to K from X, trying to decide whether to do another round of .0625 exchange X for .0625 K or to just go for it, and exchange the last .125 X. I've had such difficult X w/d even with the .0625 this last time, that I am wary of this next one. I'd love to get this over with as far as going onto K right now, but I have to be able to handle those sx.

It's really going to have to be done anyway; just a question of one step and the unknown reaction or two steps and the unknown reactions. I have anxiety over my anxiety medications. Not fun. And as we all probably know, the pills are very hard to cut for accuracy. But having this X still with me is causing me sx which I don't think will be with me (I hope) when it's gone.

So decision time.

Intend

It is good to hear from you Deinoncote--it's been more than just a few weeks, I think, since you checked in, and I've been wondering how you were.

Caffeine, eh?  I drink black tea every morning, and am only too conscious that I'd probably be better off if I didn't.  It's a tradeoff, and I can't quite decide which side of it I should come down on, so for the time being I stay with the status quo of that morning cup of tea.  It's an addiction in its own right.

Anyway, it's good to hear from you.  I hope both you and Intend can manage to keep the symptoms to a minimum as you taper further.  Keeping you in my thoughts.

Rek

Jax, I have bad dreams every night (and like Rek mentioned, I do have a lot of trauma in my background).  The dreams do seem to be especially horrific lately.  I don't know what's up with that.

I don't have too much else to say right now.  Life circumstances have been better lately, which is nice.  Helps with the anxiety.

Morning again. Is it Friday yet? Or...any other day than a work day?

I so appreciate you guys (Rek, Gen, et al) for your support. Things got a lot worse yesterday - I'm really upset right now - waking up crying just sucks. And I think you have a point about the dreams related to PTSD. I hadn't lent that credence but now it seems pretty obvious. Childhood and everything it kills me to remember with my adulthood. There you go. I'm also really mourning the shore (I think only a Jersey kid would really get that) and when I listen to meditation music with the ocean in the background, I need to change it quickly. I feel I don't really trust "mother nature" right now, so it's difficult to find my place in the physical world.

This hurts to write too - I absolutely chewed out and hammered down the Director of Corporate HR due to a terrible misunderstanding. So I cried at my desk, mortified, until about 11:00 AM when I received an email from my esteemed boss about how I was completely non-productive and spent too much time talking to my colleagues and "engaging in non-productive activities". This wasn't just completely unwarranted, it is completely false. He pulled call records from the week I came back from surgery. The thing that I have going for me, though, is that I meticulously recorded my activities in the new database. So when I "prepare to discuss my non-productivity" today, I will ask that he please run a report on that.

And then to top it off, my husband's company - a very small company - fired 4 people yesterday, including a couple I know well (I used to work there, that's how we met). So that sucks too...we just ended up lying down mentally exhausted last night. If ever there was a time for Klonopin, this was it.

I guess the silver lining in all this is that my husband and I are healthy and ok. And we get to see the light of my life, our nephew Tao, for his birthday in 2 days. He's going to be 4. Remarkable, brilliant kid, and absolutely my spitting image from when I was his age.

Takes a lot of strength to get through the day sometimes. I hope you are all well.