The Klonopin Klub

TheLittleBravePanda,

 

I read your post describing your withdrawal difficulties. I am sorry you are having such a difficult time, and give you my every encouragement to hang in there.

 

Dry-cutting pills does work. I'm doing it myself. I cut and combine my .5 mg generic clonazepam pills with the .125 mg orally dissolving clonazepam wafers. Now that I'm done with the halcion, I'm ready to resume cutting my klonopin. I intend to cut .0625 mg every two weeks (maybe 10 or 12 days, hopefully). This amount is 4.2% of the starting dose, and will take nearly 4 months per pill...and I have 2 1/2 pills to go (1.25mg) roughly 10 months of tapering  .

 

one pill = .5 mg

one wafer = .125 mg

 

cut the pill in half = .25 mg

cut the wafer in half = .0625 mg

 

For example a first cut .0625mg from a fresh pill would be:

 

1/2 pill = .25 mg

1 wafer = .125 mg

1/2 wafer = .0625 mg

 

.25+.125+.0625=.4375 mg (I hold this for two weeks)

 

the next cut would reduce by another .0625 mg:

 

1/2 pill = .25 mg

1 wafer = .125 mg

 

.25+.125=.375 mg (I hold this for another two weeks)

 

the next cut would reduce by another .0625 mg:

 

1/2 pill = .25 mg

1/2 wafer = .0625 mg

 

.25+.0625=.3125 mg (I hold for another two weeks)

 

the next cut would reduce by another .0625 mg:

 

1/2 pill = .25 mg

(this one is easy 'cause no wafers needed)

 

                                (I hold for another two weeks)

 

1 wafer = .125 mg

1/2 wafer = .0625 mg

 

.125 + .0625 = .1875 mg (I hold another two weeks)

 

The next cut would reduce by another .0625 mg.

 

1 wafer = .125 mg (hold for another two weeks)

 

The next cut would reduce by another .0625 mg:

 

1/2 wafer = .0625 mg (hold for another two weeks)

 

The next cut would refuce by another .0625 mg:

 

Move on to the next pill (starting whole for two weeks)

 

Repeat cuts until done.

 

The process works for me 'cause I only have to cut pills in half...no quarters or eigths, or sixteenths. You just need to get .5 mg clonazepam pills and the .125 mg orally dissolving clonazepam wafers (yes, they are available in the US.

 

Basically, if you drew it out on paper, draw a circle and divide it into eigths...call the circle a .5 mg pill, then each slice is .0625mg...4.2% of my starting dose of 1.5mg.

 

I hope this hasn't been too much for you to digest...just trying to help.

 

respects,

 

Dave (PM me anytime if you need help)

 

 

I just joined today, and was wondering if anyone has any advice on a fast taper from Klonopin....I have only been using Klonopin for 2 months and only use .5 mg nightly.

 

Could I cut 25% of my dose to begin with, or would that be too much of a cut to begin with?

 

Any thoughts at all are greatly appreciated....

Hi Folks, back from my trip a day late ...cancelled due to weather... but I made it... welcome Scarlett, and yes,.. i have an opinion... read the c/t threads before you make a decision, people do it all the time... I can't even think about it w/o going into PTSD mode but for some, they would rather just get it over or they've been forced to c/t.  Its a personal decision.  I was so sorry to read about the person who didn't make it.  I don't think I was familiar w/ the name or posts.  My last week has been up and down... some of the best days I've seen in months but others were some of the worst I've had in weeks.  Now I will resume my taper.  I know its discouraging to think about how long a slow taper can take... I get so discouraged and fed up w/ myself but I really believe this taper has given me a chance to see how my body is going to respond to those cuts... some things seem quite classic  and other sx more individual but I'm hoping taking the time to become familiar w/ how I will respond will be useful if there is a large uptick in sx when I do jump from my very small dose at the end... as w/ a few others, I remain on a dry cut taper.  I was doing very well before my trip and I did suffer some frightening sx during this past week but I slept two nights w/ a rolled up tissue between my teeth and the jaw pain has subsided again... just breaking that loop helps... yesterday was very uneasy as flights were postponed all day and then finally cancelled...got to hotel and slept well... today has been one of the best days I've seen in longer than I can remember.  It feels good to be home.  I want to say, maintaining very precise dosing at very precise intervals has been critical for me and I've suffered unnecessarily when I've forgotten to take a dose... it catches up w/ me a couple of days later.  It's good to be home and to see so many still fighting the good fight.  Be gentle w/ yourselves.  Dave... glad to hear no surgery necessary... good news!  take care, njoy 

Hi Njoy,

 

Its reassuring for me to see your familiar name back on the board. I am still so early in my taper, about 10 weeks in; however, I did manage to rapid taper my halcion away (this is permisssible per the Ashton Manual Chap II which indicates that halcion is the only exeption to the slow-taper rule). Hey, it worked for me...minimal WDs, but now I have insomnia. Actually, I fall asleep quite well, its when I wake up to use the bathroom that I cannot fall back asleep.

 

I've seen two spinal surgeons about my newly discovered deficiencies in my cervical spine. They both reviewed my MRI, read the report, and both indicate that surgery is not indicated at the present time since I am significantly function with no numbness, weakness, or tingling in the extremeties. Basically, they both said I'm not that bad now, and that its best to leave things alone for now. Makes sense to me. The last thing I need is neck surgery while tapering! However, I am noticing that as I come off the benzos, the pain in my neck gets worse (its been masked by klonopin).

 

Good to see you on the board!

 

Dave

 

 

WELCOME HOME, NJOY! 

 

I wonder if I could have done what you just did. Maybe, with a lot more meditation.  Taper east, taper west...but never taper north. There's a very funny thread waiting for you. I'll be in touch, but not today 

 

Good to have you back.

 

Aweigh

Welcome home, Njoy! We missed you 

 

So glad you had a good time and got through it ok.

 

jaxy

Thanks, all.  It felt good. Of course, someone was w/ me the whole time., but its a start.  I was a little concerned about your fortitude dave, but I see you are working through the pain... if I could have just believed I could do that I wouldn't be here now.  Now, my collapsing vertebrae seem like peanuts... its interesting to me how relative pain has become. My philosophy is I can't do anything about how my spine is now but I can be more attentive to how I treat it in the future.... I know as I age the middle vertebrae of the five involved will ever push closer to the cord and I may have to rethink my position on back surgery but its such good news that you don't need it now!  I believe in pushing through but I also subscribe to the be gentle on yourself idea.    Good night

Hey all - a question about withdrawal symptoms. Did k-pin ever make you get cold extremely easy and or have the shivers? I'm sitting in my room with my fiance, 3 year old and friend. Its a small room, two computers running, internal heat. I'm in bed in pants and a sweater, covered in a comforter. I'm not sick to my knowledge - why on earth am I so cold? :<

Morning, folks -

 

Was gone all day yesterday, and a little too rushed this morning to give much individual attention (some new arrivals at this thread, though, I see--WELCOME!), but want to say good morning, and wish all a "windowful" day. 

 

Jaxy, thank you for your characteristically upbeat, warmhearted, and inspiring message!

 

Octopii, thank you for your kinds words--I hope you are feeling some improvement today!

 

NJoy, welcome home, and well done: huge accomplishment, making that trip!

 

Have a gentle day, everyone -

 

Peace,

 

Rek

Octopii:  I get very cold all the time and then I get so hot the sweat just pours off. For my age, it is hard for me to tell if its a w/d sx or just hot flashes... the flash, itself, can  make the ambient temp. seem cold.  I put stuff on and then I take it off, I always dress in layers... it does seem very slightly better at the lower doses I'm taking.  If you have a young child, and it is not accompanied by the flash, I expect it may be w/d sx.  Its very annoying but I've learned to take it in stride.  Scarlett, I wanted to add, when I was at the higher doses, .25 mg cuts didn't seem to have the effect that even very small changes in dosing have at the lower doses.  The problem w/ large cuts is you don't know for a few days how its going to effect you... its a little more predictable when the cuts are between 1% and 10% of your last dose.... yes, this makes for a very long, tedious taper but learning to listen to your body is very helpful toward smootihing the ride out.  That's not to say, it won't still be rough... but I think... slightly more predictable.  Jax: I think the cleaning out of our past  is part of embracing the new.  i can feel lots of new feelings... feelings of compassion that I don't remember ever having, a need to speak up that was never quite strong enough, a desire to keep going forward that has revealed fortitude I never knew I had.  I applaud your efforts.  i think we may be peeling away layers of the past that are no longer relevant.  Making way for the new.  I have to say, learning of  WFR's tragedy has made me more aware of the frailty w/ which we all go forward.  i have to believe that we must continue to encourage and support one another.  Severe mental anguish is always a risk for "irreversible" decisions.  It was a stunning blow to come home from such a wonderful time in Tx to learn of her passing.  "Rock me baby, to and fro, not too fast and not too slow, and I say, row, Jimmy, row, gonna get there, I don't know"  Grateful Dead.  I wish for each of us the courage to persevere.  Be gentle on yourselves and remember, "we'll see summer come again." 

I tried to get out by myself this morning. Didn't work.  Keep pushing, I guess.  Njoy

Does anyone know if I can keep k milk longer than 24 hours???

 

As I reduce to the point where I am dumping more than I take, can I save the leftovers to use later?

 

My doc is asking how long I will need refills. This in itself is concerning to me. I need to email her an answer as I check in with her every 2 weeks.

 

Thanks to anyone who can advise,

 

hopeful2013

Octopii- I definitely get too cold and too hot. "Flu like symptoms" are on the list of classic withdrawal experiences.

 

Not sure if anyone remembers where I was 24 hours ago, but surprise surprise I slept last night. I dropped my morning dose yesterday because I figured if I felt so awful already why not go for it. Maybe I was/am having some of the paradoxical symptoms from reinstating. Maybe it was just random. Maybe maybe... such is the uncertainty of experimenting on ourselves. The amazing thing is that the entire world seems so different today. I went to the gym and people seemed friendly instead of like robots. Logically I know that symptoms are just symptoms but when you are in their grip it doesnt seem that way. There's more of this to come but the only way out is through...

 

The withdrawal process is often described as waves. I think it is more like being on a rollercoaster. Crashing down a hill screaming and being certain you are going to die then all of a sudden whipping around a corner, catching your breath only to be turned upside down again.

 

Have a peaceful weekend everyone.

Hey Klub

 

Octopii- Ya I had temperature issues during my taper. Cold and hot flashes. The worst was one night my head felt like it was burning, my chest and feet were freezing, but my legs felt so hot that when they touched anything it felt like I had put them on a hot stove. It went away though and no harm done.

 

So it's been 8 days since I jumped and my waves continue to suck really bad. Windows keep me going though. During the day it's fairly random and patternless, so some days are better than others. A pattern of consistency seems to be forming in the morning and late at night though. The first hour after I wake up everything is going too fast. My mind is racing, as is my heart, I can't stop fidgeting, and my muscles are tensed. Late at night however, regardless of how the day has gone, the body seems to stop caring what the mind is doing and relaxes. Basically late at night if I can quiet the mind the body quiets itself, and if the mind is still racing the body relaxes anyway lol. Anywho today is day 2 of healthier diet so hopefully I get some improvements from better nutrition soon.

Does anyone know if I can keep k milk longer than 24 hours???

 

As I reduce to the point where I am dumping more than I take, can I save the leftovers to use later?

 

My doc is asking how long I will need refills. This in itself is concerning to me. I need to email her an answer as I check in with her every 2 weeks.

 

Thanks to anyone who can advise,

 

hopeful2013

 

Yes, you can save the left overs ...

just make sure you keep it in the fridge and be aware of the expiration date of the milk.

 

Lizie

Hi all, I have a couple questions. If you were put on this for anxiety (which I have) then how do you deal with the debilitating anxiety without it?

 

I have been on zoloft for over 6 years, didnt need any benzo all that time. Did need it when I first went on to zoloft which I have done now a total of 4 xs :'(

 

This last year has been a huge disaster, I had been skipping doses of zoloft for almost a year when my anxiety started back up (found out I had put myself into w/d

 

so I started increasing the dose rapidly hoping to get relief. also had xanax to take once a day because the increases of zoloft was also increasing my anxiety

 

then by the time I had reached 200mgs (from 50mgs, the dose I always have taken) I still was having anxiety so I decided instead of giving it a little more time I would just come off. So as rapidly as I went up on this crap I too weaned off of it too fast

 

in the interm I was given clonazepam which was working great to begin with, I took .25mg once or twice a day. after two months being off the zoloft I was in w/d really bad and I got scared and have been slowly trying to reinstate onto zoloft

 

I have now been on 50mgs for over 8 weeks with a very small margin of improvement, but am still taking clonazepam  :'(

 

so to make a long story longer, my p/doc of course wants me to increase both the zoloft and the clonazepam. I am not willing to do either. She had prescribed .5mgs three times a day of clonazepam...at the most I was taking 1.25mgs a day

 

I have in the last month got to 1mg a day .25mg morning    .25mgs afternoon    .5mgs bedtime

 

so heres the question again: I have severe GAD and moderate depression (brought on by the GAD)

 

If I were to come off both these poisons , which I DESPERATELY WANT TO!!!!!   how do I deal with this stinking anxiety?

 

for those 6 years on zoloft I never had any anxiety at all, now its constant. I havent worked since Dec 2012. I pretty much stay home for the most part but am able to leave the house if need be

 

my GI is all messed up. had a endoscopy this week and thank God no cancer or ulcers but my stomach lining is so inflamed (blood red) dr took biopsy for H-pylori but said that it could be caused by the anxiety and stress. Lost 30lbs because stomach hurts so much and have no appetite

 

Please oh please....someone tell me what you think. I would definately wean off the zoloft first, but then what?

 

thank you for any insight any of you can give me and God Bless you all

lainy:  my guess is that if you are here already... there probably won't be any getting around the anxiety.  It is so debilitating.  I think any anxiety you experienced before you ever started on any of these drugs is going to be amplified but I do not believe staying on them is a long term solution and will make getting off them that much harder.  What to do for anxiety... well, a number of us practice meditation and i for one... strongly recommend it... it is my primary tool.  To that I add yoga, watching what I eat, music for distraction and gently trying to push through issues of a social nature.  I used to think this could not be done and still work but I see a number of people who do it so it can be done and lately, I've come to think that it may be important to stay socially involved.  That being said, I would recommend a supportive social environment.  I'd suggest taking 3 equal doses.... it may make it slightly more difficult to sleep but as you taper... sleep will become its own issue anyway so probably better to keep even doses doses in your system.  GI issues are commonplace.  I've noticed some slight improvement w/ mine in recent weeks.  I'd hate to bore you w/ all my visits to gastroenterologists.  All I can say is its getting better and other than finding a few polyps (which was a good thing) and a hiatal hernia since birth, there was never anything really wrong w/ my GI track.  I believe the brain will tell you anything to get you to go back on the drug.  I would urge you to work closely w/ your doctor and try coming off one drug at a time.  I chose to come off K first because its the nastiest of the drugs I'm taking.  I don't know what the interaction between the SSRI's is and benzos but I've read some sad stories.  I think its hard to tell what part of depression is related to the drug, w/d from the drug and what might be triggered by other factors.  I know this is so long and discouraging at times that I just expect some depressive sx.  I'm encouraged when I realize that, although I may not be able to get out of bed some days, that I have not lost my desire to do the things I love and when I can, I try hard to push through things.  Some days I'm more successful w/ that than others.  Njoy

Hi all, I have a couple questions. If you were put on this for anxiety (which I have) then how do you deal with the debilitating anxiety without it?

 

I have been on zoloft for over 6 years, didnt need any benzo all that time. Did need it when I first went on to zoloft which I have done now a total of 4 xs :'(

 

This last year has been a huge disaster, I had been skipping doses of zoloft for almost a year when my anxiety started back up (found out I had put myself into w/d

 

so I started increasing the dose rapidly hoping to get relief. also had xanax to take once a day because the increases of zoloft was also increasing my anxiety

 

then by the time I had reached 200mgs (from 50mgs, the dose I always have taken) I still was having anxiety so I decided instead of giving it a little more time I would just come off. So as rapidly as I went up on this crap I too weaned off of it too fast

 

in the interm I was given clonazepam which was working great to begin with, I took .25mg once or twice a day. after two months being off the zoloft I was in w/d really bad and I got scared and have been slowly trying to reinstate onto zoloft

 

I have now been on 50mgs for over 8 weeks with a very small margin of improvement, but am still taking clonazepam  :'(

 

so to make a long story longer, my p/doc of course wants me to increase both the zoloft and the clonazepam. I am not willing to do either. She had prescribed .5mgs three times a day of clonazepam...at the most I was taking 1.25mgs a day

 

I have in the last month got to 1mg a day .25mg morning    .25mgs afternoon    .5mgs bedtime

 

so heres the question again: I have severe GAD and moderate depression (brought on by the GAD)

 

If I were to come off both these poisons , which I DESPERATELY WANT TO!!!!!   how do I deal with this stinking anxiety?

 

for those 6 years on zoloft I never had any anxiety at all, now its constant. I havent worked since Dec 2012. I pretty much stay home for the most part but am able to leave the house if need be

 

my GI is all messed up. had a endoscopy this week and thank God no cancer or ulcers but my stomach lining is so inflamed (blood red) dr took biopsy for H-pylori but said that it could be caused by the anxiety and stress. Lost 30lbs because stomach hurts so much and have no appetite

 

Please oh please....someone tell me what you think. I would definately wean off the zoloft first, but then what?

 

thank you for any insight any of you can give me and God Bless you all

Laineyk:  I started taking a vitamin c supplement and that seems to be helping quite a bit.  Studies show that it abolishes the stress hormones.  Keeps them down.  Also,.. Getting enough magnesium helps too, along with healthy a balanced diet, also making sure you are getting enough NATURAL b-12, which is mostly found in red meat and a few other sources.  Take care!

 

-SZ-

Hello all,

 

Dave here just checking in. Took yesterday off of work to consult with another spinal surgeon for a second opinion on the condition of my lumbar and cervical spines. Thankfully, his opinion is the same as the first surgeon. Basically, my current conditions and symptoms do not warrant surgery...I interpret that as a good thing! They both indicated that I just need to watch my symptoms, and act accordingly. My condition is degenerative, but the doctor I saw yesterday was kind enough to emphasize that it takes a long time.

 

At least I am aware of it all. The news is not good, but its still good to have the news...my neck and lower back will be ongoing stories. I feel I have a time bomb ticking in my neck.

 

I've successfully tapered my Halcion down to zero. I jumped at .0625mg. I sort of rapid tapered it in about 8 weeks. The Ashton Manual Chapter II indicates that Halcion is the only exception to the slow-taper rule...due to it's 2 hour half-life. Its practically eliminated everyday. Fearing the development of interdose WDs, and since it is such a short acting benzo, I chose to eliminate it first. The withdrawal went pretty well with minimal symptoms. I'm going to hold for another couple days and then resume the klonopin taper.

 

I haven't been sleeping well lately and I find the muscles in my shoulders and neck to be perpetually tensed...I think this aggrevates my neck and causes the bones in there to constantly snap, crackle, and pop. Without the halcion, I have nothing for sleep...my doctor did give me one prescription of vistaril...it helps but I use it only sparingly as I'm terrified of building a tolerance, or dependency, to it! The worst is when I wake up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, and cannot return to sleep for the duration of the night...and then have to go to work the next day feeling like total sh*t!

 

Heres a question: I've read about "high potency" benzos...I've read about "high binding" benzos...I've read about "short/long acting" benzos...Halcion is a "high potency, high binding, short acting" benzo...WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? Since I've eliminated it...did it leave high binding or high affinity traces behind? How does it relate to the klonopin? I'm scared of not understanding...high potency means what? high affinity means what? high binding means what? Short/long acting means what?

 

Once eliminate, the drug is not binding anymore, rright? I mean, how can it bind if it isn't there? or does some cling on, stubbornly, even if no more drug is being taken?

 

Many questions, few answers.

 

Emotionally...major depression continues to dominate my life as it has for so many years. The loss of WFR cut deep to my core and I mourn her loss. I empathize so deeply with depression as I have known it for so long. I will continually honor her memory as an integral part of my recovery, and I pray God grant her the peace and serenity that illuded her here.

 

Like I said...just checking in.

 

God's grace, and smooth tapering to all.

 

Dave

Mageii:  Great job on your taper.  So quickly you are free from the klonopin.  I ammost envy you.

 

NJoy :  Keep hanging in ther, my frined,

 

hopeful2013:  I would freeze it but then again, I froze milk for about 6 months and it got clumpy ofter being thawed out, so I suppose it is as good as it lasts i nthe fridge.  Also I heard that freezing klonopin might make it less effective. 

 

Rek:  Hey!  Hoping you are well.  You are alway so supportive.

 

Octoppi:  Hang in there!!

 

Aweigh:  Fly away into the sun without burning.  You will be strong and get through this. 

 

Jax  Hey Buddy, I miss you. 

 

Dmw61  I know it is tough but you are doing it.  I am glad your mri came out fine. 

 

CoooWeather  You have me for support too!

 

-SZ-

 

 

Hey, SkyZ, you sweetheart, I think you've taken over for me in the trying-to-address-everyone-individually department!  I started to slide on that when work and stuff got overwhelming--and it proved a VERY slippery slope!--but you and Jax and occasionally others, too, are taking up the slack in my line--thank you! 

 

And thanks for asking how I am.  I'm fine, and grateful beyond words to be fine.  A few symptoms still linger, but I feel a sense of ongoing progress.

 

Anxiety and depression--I want to address this, because, along with insomnia, they are huge topics here.  Because I'm now benzo-free for the first time since 1993, it seems to me that I'm recognizing benzo-based problems I had no idea until now were caused by the drugs.  All those years I took alprazolam strictly PRN for sleep, I assumed that all the stuff was doing was scoring me an occasional good night's rest when insomnia hit.  It never occurred to me that the drug might be making me accident-prone, susceptible to severe bruising . .  . and more subject to anxiety and depression than I had ever been before.  Now, eight months off ALL benzos--a change necessitated by the horrors that clonazepam visited on me last summer--I find that these things are mysteriously clearing up.  Or maybe it's not so mysterious after all.  I now believe that even the little bit of alprazolam I was taking was affecting my balance, both physical and emotional.  Benzos aren't the only thing that can do this, though, obviously.  The withdrawal process has forced me to stop drinking (not that I ever drank much), to eschew caffeine, to reduce sugar and clean up my diet generally, and to exercise more conscientiously.  The process also impelled me toward meditation practice, another life-change.  What I'm trying to say is that there were things I could have corrected in my life that might have addressed anxiety and depression BEFORE I turned to medication, and those same things may help some of you who are wondering how you'll cope emotionally after you're off all drugs.  Try to think back to before you started on any medications.  Were there things about your lifestyle that you could have tried to change to achieve more emotional stability?  If so, then these may be things to consider as a strategy when you are no longer taking medication in order to calm down and feel OK about life.  Is this making sense?  I don't want to preach!  But I do want to help, if I can, and certainly to offer encouragement and hope. 

 

I'd better go tend to dinner preparations, but I wish you all a gentle Friday night and a good sleep -

 

Peace, 

 

Rek

Thanks guys, that makes me feel loads better - in a big way!

 

Day three of my recent cut (33% - from .373 to .25) and I'm starting to feel it. Dizziness, sporadic racing heart again, feeling totally out of it - this whole time I'm going, "JUST MAKE IT STOP PLEASE!". Thankfully, it's the weekend, so no work. Scared of going to bed tonight, but trying not to think about it. ><; Keep going guys - I'll be strong for you, so be strong for me!

Happy Saturday Morning, everyone! Looks like there's some blue in the sky and I'd like to meditate outside today.

 

So hey, so my hub and I went down the shore this week and walked the Atlantic City boardwalk. A huge section on the top was washed away by Hurricane Sandy, but the rest was in tact. It was the first time I'd seen the ocean since Sandy, and admittedly I was nervous because of the extent of the catastrophe. But there it was, sparkling, and I hadn't the heart to scoff it. And the breeze! Wow! It was warm and strong and cleansing. In the early 1990s I was going to grad school out in California and had the experience of living a few miles from the Pacific, and the ocean breeze then was a cross-breeze in my apartment, and I played The Joy of Life by Kenny G and never felt so relaxed. It's a big deal for me to embrace the ocean again. I have looked at it as a monster for the last 6 months. I am definitely going to go down there again for the day before I start work.

 

So a lot of you sparked things in my mind this week. Laineyk, especially you. I wrote a long post on April 11 about how I deal with anxiety at almost 11 months off the K - meditation, deep breathing (Njoy just mentioned socialization - which goes with brain health too from what I'm reading) and most recently, getting out in the Spring air. I kind of give details in my post as to a "how to" guide. So I invite you to look at it.

 

...I just had a "Look, Squirrel!" moment where I stopped typing and got up for 45 minutes to make a smoothie. It took 45 minutes because I had a trial run where I dumped blueberries, almond milk, pomegranate juice, flax seed, walnuts and more all over the kitchen counter by accident.  So I'll write more later. The new smoothie is wonderful in case you were wondering...

 

Hugs to all,

 

jaxy

 

 

Hey, Jaxy, Octopii, and all -

 

Just saying "hey!"  I love those "Look--squirrel!" moments, Jax.  Sometimes we see a group of three or four half-grown squirrels chasing one another in circles around the trunk of a tree near our window here.  So cute.  Meanwhile, I'm glad your second smoothie is tasty rather than messy!

 

Octopii, I really think that with your careful improvements to your diet, and other ways you're taking care of yourself, things will improve for you.  Fingers crossed for you . . .

 

And for everyone.

 

"Nature's first green is gold," as Robert Frost said.  I'm looking at nature's gold in the tree-buds outside the window.

 

Peace,

 

Rek 

feeling pretty cruddy today

 

since eliminating hacion...insomnia has been intense.

 

fall asleep easy enough...but wake up two hours later and up all nigh.

 

depression deepining.

 

still worried about the clock in my neck.

 

the numerous huge lifestyle changes to come

 

loss of my occuppation...surrendering my income to a third party or agency.

 

becoming "disabled"

 

beginning the process of dibilitation leading to indigency

 

losing my mind...damaged mind...

 

can't sleep and it feels awful. Sends my depression down to new lows. I wonder how low it can go...eveytime I think I've hit bottom, I find a new bottom.

 

So, its going bad today...like all days...even before this klonopin/halcion tolerance thing...when I was taking this-and-that and anything else to help me cope...but nothing works...and now here I am: a miserable, insomniatic klonopin addict. I haven't cut the klonopin in 39 days (cutting halcion)...I fear when I do cut the klonopin .0625mg the WDs will come back and the insomnia will solidify.

 

The loss of WFR weighs heavily on my mind.

 

And this is still just the beginning for me. I maintain a normal composure at work. it is so difficult to be social...

 

I wish I could crawl into a little ball and simply dissappear.

 

Not doing very well today

 

Dave

keyport, nj

dave:  I have been living w/ the clock in my neck for years... don't obsess

          The depression I feel seems real enough but there are some very important differences from classic depression... I still remember and want to do the

          things I love. 

          The losses are immense and crippling... like a phoenix, we must find ways to rise again

          Whether people feel they can discuss it or not... WFR's death weighs on each of us and is a possibility for anyone experiencing this level of constant anguish... we must keep  putting one foot in front of the other

          Give yourself a big pat on the back for still working... I could not continue and I now see it was a big mistake to take myself out of the social milieu.

          Our minds may be damaged but they will heal

          I crawled into a ball most of yesterday and most of last winter... it kept me warm and secure enough to feel I could endure another day

          You won't disappear...