I can't do this again

I just can't. I spent 4 years tapering very slowly only for a virus and a 7 day high fever to erase it all. All of my torturous suffering in vain. All for naught. I just cannot do it again.

Guess I will just reply to my own damn topic, since there is a lot of impersonal, hollow words of encouragement floating around, but, not even those can be found on my threads.

 

I am nothing but a martyr to these drugs. A lifer and a martyr.

Always so sorry to read someone had to reinstate  :'(

 

Are you stable now on 10 mg Valium ?

Im really sorry to Magnollie and Im sorry you feel that you are so alone in all of this.  Did the dr suggest 10mg that was quite a reinstatement and I guess that is why you are upset as it takes so long.  Im sure you will do just fine it you managed last time and I just know you will manage again.  The forum is quite atm but someone will come along soon and maybe offer you some more hope.

 

You can get off you know it just takes time.

 

all the best

 

Lizzy

Guess I will just reply to my own damn topic, since there is a lot of impersonal, hollow words of encouragement floating around, but, not even those can be found on my threads.

 

I am nothing but a martyr to these drugs. A lifer and a martyr.

 

Hi Magnollie

 

I am so sorry to hear you had to reinstate, did your doctor suggest 10 Mg's? Try not to let this upset you.

Sometimes the reason people don't reply is because they are genuinely so upset for you they do not know what to say.

My heart goes out to anyone who for some reason has to take the drug again but i know you are going get there

Dont look back it is what it is, look forward we will be here for you.

 

((hugs))

 

Magrita

sorry to hear that you reinstated, why not try a more rapid taper this time around? I tapered from 40mg over 5 months and it was very tough at some stages. I am now 4 months off benzos and am feeling a lot better, after 15 years of abusing benzos. I personally could not have done a 4 year taper like u have, in my opinion it would only prolong the suffering. So if u were strong enough to do a 4 year taper, it is reasonable enough to say you would manage a more rapid one.

Hi magnollie,

 

I'm sorry that you were feeling alone there this morning. Hopefully you will begin to feel more supported now.. Sometimes the forum is quiet because our members are spread all over the world... We do care enormously, and I promise you that our members are sincere and caring.

 

I can understand your devastation and anger right now.. You had just got to the last post, only to get pipped. That does seem so unfair and it must hurt.. But you will manage this magnoille, you will.  And by being part of a support group it will be less lonely.

 

You are doing the right thing by stabilizing.  Are you over your illness?  It sounds as if it was a raging virus....  You need to be completely over it and stable to begin tapering again..

 

Maybe you would consider starting a blog.. it's a great place to get to know people and receive general support .

 

Hang in there..I know this may sound a bit empty, but things will get better, and you will succeed at getting off benzos..

 

Hugs,

Betsy xxxx

I'm so sorry to hear that magnollie. It breaks my heart when I read that someone has had to reinstate for whatever reason  :'(

 

Forgive my complete ignorance but you'd think there would've been something else the Dr's could've given you to help deal with the effects of the virus & the resulting psychosis.

I know it seems hopeless right now but keep fighting, if you tapered down once you know you can do it so try again once you're feeling better. I've seen posts on here from people who've done it on the second or even third try.

 

Starting a blog is a good idea - excellent place to vent all the fear & frustration.

 

Lavender

magnollie,

 

I am so terrible sorry for what happened to you.  It seems like your body and cns took a huge hit with this virus.  Did the doctor do any tests to see if there was an underlying reason for your reaction?

 

As others have said, the forum is quiet overnight for those of us in the US and Canada.  We do care and are so sorry you feel so alone.  Sometimes its hard to think of just the right thing to say when someone has to reinstate. 

 

That being said, if you did this before you can do it again. Forget what happened and take it one moment at a time.  I hope you have stabilized again and that you feel somewhat better. You are not the first person to have this happen.  You are among friends and we will always be here to support and care about you.

 

pianogirl

Guess I will just reply to my own damn topic, since there is a lot of impersonal, hollow words of encouragement floating around, but, not even those can be found on my threads.

Hi Magnollie,

Last night was probably the quietest night on the forum since I joined, so don't feel like it's anything to do with you.  I know you're feeling pretty bad right now, but we are all here to support you no matter what.

Challis

Hi magnollie,

 

Monday was a holiday in Canada. The weekends tend to be quite on the forum but because of the holiday, many Canadians weren't around.

 

I understand how disappointed you are and I'm sure you're frightened as well but you can do this. We'll give you as much support as we can. Keep posting. We'll all check on you each day.

 

 

Hope

Hi magnollie,

 

I won't say that I feel your pain, or understand what you are going through.  How could I ?  You are you, and I am me, two completely different people trying to survive in a world that we were thrust into, and told to make the best of it.  Easier said, than done. 

 

But, I can say, that it breaks my heart that any of us have, or had to go through the pain, and misery caused by benzos.

 

If you had to reinstate to get any semblance of your life back, so be it.  Sometimes we just have to do, what we have to do, and go on from there, and keep searching for a way to reach our destination, wherever that is.

 

 

I wish you the very best, and please take good care of yourself, because you, and all of us, are special in our own unique way.

 

pj

Four years is an extremely long taper. I'm not sure what your main symptoms were during w/d since these seem completely different for everyone with a few that are pretty common.

 

Is it possible that your main problem is with the benzo itself and a poor reaction to them? That might be the cause of your persistent symptoms. I'm sure you've already thought of this, but if it's the case, perhaps a taper that isn't as long will be better?

 

Tapering from 10 mg of Valium shouldn't take you as long as from 1.5 mg Xanax (which equals 30 mg Valium, according to Prof. Ashton). I don't know if this gives you comfort or not?

 

 

Hi magnollie -

 

I’ve been in the place that you are now. I quit drinking in October 2009 but was also taking 1 mg K. When I stopped drinking, the anxiety was horrendous so I updosed the K to 4 mg. That made things worse plus I was told that I needed to get off the K because it was causing depression. I had no idea how to do it and was completely without hope. That got me three weeks in the psych hospital where they got me off all 4 mg K.

 

When I got home, I managed to stay off the K for a week or two. The w/d was horrific, and I had to reinstate to the original 1 mg in order to stay alive. I was then told that I would never be well again until I was completely off the K. I stayed on the 1 mg for three months hoping they were wrong. They weren’t. I was in terrible tolerance w/d and had no choice but to give it another go. So, I tapered the 1 mg over 3 months and got off. It wasn’t pleasant, but it was doable.

 

If an old head like me can do this thing twice and make it back to “happy days,” you can do it. You can definitely do it.

 

I have no doubt that you will get there. Plus you weren’t taken all the way back to your original dose - only about a third of it. Maybe a faster taper would be doable.

 

Whatever pace you decide, I know you will succeed.

 

eli

 

Magnollie,

 

I am starting over again tooo.  It sucks but we are here to help you and us.  I feel your pain and frustration but you aremoving forward if you know it or not.  Love and hugs to you Magnollie.  I will see you on the other side of all this.

Everyone here  can relate to your situation, your anger, pain and frustration.  The fact is for whatever reason we all chose to take Benzos.  In our defense...we were NEVER informed of how this poison would wreck our lives and effect the ones we love.

 

Nobody here can ever profess to know exactly what you are going through but we all have a pretty good idea of how horrible this Process is. Please don't think you're alone in this struggle. I can promise you that your not. I'm currently in the middle of one nasty wave and could not feel worse. Anxiety is off the charts, heart palps, dizzy/lightheaded to the point I'm afraid to drive and I'm mad at the world. 

 

Don't give the beast the satisfaction of winning.

Thank you for responding, I was really in a bad place last night and ready to just give up the fight completely. I am stabilizing a little more each day, but mornings are very difficult because it is so hard to get out of bed with this Valium in me. It makes me sleep more.

 

I did not realize that 10mg Valium was considered a high dose. I always thought it was on the lower end of the spectrum, now I REALLY feel like I screwed myself. I thought it was not as bad since it would equal 1/3 of the amount of original benzo I was on?

 

Something else important I wanted to bring up - I think I may have messed up with the way I titrated. I ttirated differently than what is normally advised. My titrations were very diluted with a lot of water in them, so when I got near the bottom of my suspensions I believe that the drug was more concentrated down there in the bottom of the cup, so when I got to that point and did not slow down (also stupid) I went into acute c/t state of withdrawal. What do you guys think???

Also is it true that it is somewhat easier to come off Valium than Klonopin?

 

Thank you and sorry for my frustration at this situation.

Hi Magnollie.

I tapered off about 7mg valium over about 10 months.  I did it very slowly though. I think you can do it in under a year.  However, it's not a race.  If you need to take breaks to get it done, it's fine.  It's not likely to be years though.  Valium is also available in liquid so it's nice to have that option once you get below 5mg so you can accurately make whatever cuts you might wish to make.  I got mine from a reputable compounding pharmacy and always shake well before using.

 

Hang in there,

 

Vertigo

Thank you Verti, it would be a tremendous weight lifted off my shoulder to think that I may be able to get free in at least a year because no way I can survive another 4 year long taper. The reason my taper took so long was that I took breaks everytime there was a crisis in my life which happened at least twice a year, I had two close people in my life commit suicide (due to being sick from or abusing benzos) and my mother attempted suicide as well, not to mention my home was burglarized while I was home and I had experienced many infections necessitating surgeries....it's been such a long hard road and I was so read to jump on May 15th but reinstated instead. Truly devastating indeed.

 

Of course reading these responses to this thread reminds me that I am not alone and of course not the first one who had to try again. It's just with every failure I lose more and more confidence in myself that I can ever get free.

 

I did not realize yesterday was a holiday in Canada either, so so sorry. I'm just so exhausted.

 

One last question - I've been sleeping too much on this damn V which is obviously a sign I did reinstate on more than I should have but it's just another nail in the coffin for me I guess.... and at the same time my w/d symptoms have only moderately stabilized so far..go figure...maybe I need to giveit more time