An experience like no other

Thanks for sharing pj, please continue, lots of thoughts going through my mind, sigh......

its a pleasure to read your posts.

 

Thank you Morreweg,

 

I enjoy reading your posts, too.  You are a caring person. 

 

I have always been fascinated by the power of words, because nothing can change a person's life more than words can.

 

"I love you" or "I hate you"... three simple words ... that when spoken to a child,  have the power to lift that child's spirit to the top of the mountain or leave that child's fragile spirit stranded at the bottom of the valley, where it may linger forever.

 

Peace and happiness to you, dear lady

Hi folks,

 

Last week I was riding a very crowded elevator up to the third floor of the clinic  for my 'Once in a Blue Moon' physical exam.  Much to my surprise, I 'bumped' into Dr. Crane, my former doctor. 

I say my former doctor - because her lack of knowledge concerning benzo withdrawals, and her skepticism when I told her that I thought I was having withdrawals from the Ativan and Ambien made me quite mad for awhile.

 

She's a fine doctor in every other way, but when it came to benzos, she was not very wise, and neither was I.  My anger and my stubbornness got the best of me, so I went cold turkey and terminated my relationship with her. 

We had a real cordial chat upon exiting the elevator.  She inquired as to how I was doing, and once again, she apologized to me for not realizing or believing me when I mentioned to her that I was almost certain that I was having withdrawals from the benzos that she prescribed for me.

 

She went on to tell me that after researching Benzodiazepines more thoroughly, she has become a better listener with her patients and has a much more cautious approach when prescribing benzos for them. 

 

I think during our discussion, she was amused at how easily the word; Benzodiazepine, rolled so effortlessly off my tongue. 

We've all had a lot of practice saying that word, haven't we? 

 

I found it refreshing and enlightening to know that there are doctors out there who will admit that they are not all that benzo wise, and they are willing to do some research in order to become more benzo wise. 

 

If, because of our experience with withdrawals, and our strong desire that no one else should suffer from withdrawals the way that we have, wouldn't it be nice if each of us could try and succeed (not an easy task) in educating just ONE doctor to the reality that some folks do indeed suffer from benzo withdrawals.  Perhaps that ONE doctor will then make it possible for ONE more person to be spared the painful ravages of withdrawals.   

 

What a wonderful thing that would be. 

 

I wanted to share that chance meeting that I had with my former doctor with you brave warriors who are fighting every day to win the battle with the benzos, because she showed me that doctors can change their opinions and their attitudes toward benzos and towards the folks who's lives are so negatively impacted by those benzos. 

 

We can hope that there are other doctors out there who will do what my former doctor did; become more informed about benzos, put aside their pride, their biases, and their 'know it all ways', and start to REALLY listen to their patients.

 

The physical exam went okay.  Doc Norris pronounced me 'fit as a fiddle'.  I asked him if he meant to say that I was as fit as a Stradivarius violin.  He laughed that hearty laugh of his and said: "No, just a plain ol' ordinary Bluegrass kinda' fiddle."

 

Continued healing to you all.

PJ, I just love reading your posts...thank you!

 

What an interesting experience, bumping into your old Dr. I commend him/her for being so open minded and humble/strong enough to apologize. I'm still just grinding away here in withdrawal...coming up on 5 months free.

 

Thank you Robert,

 

I'm glad you enjoy reading my posts, because I enjoy writing them.  I'm an early riser (always up by five)  I like to write in the quiet of the morning before the world around me wakes up and takes away my solitude.

 

Meeting my former doctor the way that I did was a humbling experience for both of us.  When we parted ways over three years ago it was not a very amicable separation.  When I left the clinic the other day, we parted as friends.  Who could ask for anything more than that?

 

Congratulations on your being five months free.  Keep grinding away, Robert and before you know it, you will be completely recovered.  You will be living and loving life with all the confidence and curiosity of an Astronaut who has been set free to explore new horizons.

 

Have a nice weekend.

Hi pj,

I am a new member.  I have always struggled with anxiety and being easily stressed.  A few years ago, after a lot of stress in my life, I got desperate enough to go to my doctor and ask for something for my anxiety.  I can't even remember when I first took a benzo - I think it was when I asked my doctor for something to help me sleep when away from home.  I took it every day for two weeks and then stopped when I got home.  I didn't even know it was a benzo and knew nothing about them.  Then, I went on another trip about six months later and took the pills again to help me sleep and keep me calm.  I get very stressed out being around people and need lots of alone time.  After a while, it got to the point where I felt terribly nervous and stressed out and fearful of everything.  I must admit, I have always been extremely fearful of many things in life but it just seemed like I was getting worse.  I ended up trying a Ssri and my anxiety shot through the roof and I had to take a benzo to stop shaking.  I couldn't eat and lost a ton of weight and just laid on the sofa under a blanket.  I stopped that ad and was put on another one which didn't help me but wasn't as bad as the first.  I tried every method I could think of to help me with my anxiety and resulting depression.  Finally, my psych put me on a daily dose of .5 mg k which I have been on since January of 2013.  I was also on pristiq which made my anxiety worse and have recently come off it.  At one point my anxiety was so bad I went to the ER and they put me on Zoloft and prn K.  Ended up vomiting every morning so can't handle SSRIs obviously.  I have been switched on and off other ADs over the last six years but nothing helped.  I used to love being alone but now I feel afraid to be alone and feel like I am living hell on earth.  My daughter thinks the benzos are what has made me so much worse so I am now liquid tapering off the .5mg K with a liquid compounded by the pharmacy from a script written by my psych.  I find it difficult to get out of bed and haven't had any interest in anything for a few years - just trying to get through the day a minute at a time.  Knowing my history of anxiety, do you think that I will feel better after getting off the benzo and healing from it or am I destined for a life of horrible anxiety and depression?  I feel so hopeless and unable to cope with life, even though I force myself to do things.  I have no pleasure in life at all and feel totally overwhelmed by everything.  Nothing seems to help.  Am I hopeless?

Thanks for listening and all the love and care you have for people.

 

Marie

Hi Marie

 

Your daughter is very perceptive.  Benzos, in most situations, do indeed cause the condition for which they were taken to worsen. 

 

You mentioned that you used to love being alone.  I love being alone too, because that's the way I was made.  I have many friends, but I cherish my alone time.  During withdrawals I was afraid to be alone.  The fear of being alone, and the fear of most things, are just some of the many, many bizarre symptoms that we can attribute to benzos.

 

Some anxiety and depression in life is inescapable, because we live in such anxious times; bad news is all around us.  We worry about our health, our families, our safety, and a million other things in our life.  Benzos compound those issues of anxiety and depression ten-fold.

 

I really feel for you.  I wish that I could magically take away your depression, your anxiety, and your fear.   

 

After you have recovered from the benzos - because you have suffered from anxiety and depression for so long,  perhaps it would benefit you to  reassess everything in your life.  Have a heart to heart talk with someone you trust; a family member, a close friend, someone from the religious community or even with yourself.  Laying it all out in the open can perhaps help you to see just what it is that is causing you so much distress in your life, and hopefully, some solutions. 

 

Whenever anxiety was getting me down, I have always found it very helpful to take long walks.  Walking and talking to yourself about where you have been in life, where you want to go, what you want to do - can be very therapeutic. 

Walking is some of the best medicine there is.  It's free, has no side-effects and there's no doctor involved.  I believe strongly in the premise that the fewer drugs we introduce into our bodies, the better off we will be.

 

Of course, by our own intervention, if we cannot fix what may be ailing us, we must seek the opinions and the expertise from someone in the medical profession.   

 

You wonder, if after you are benzo free and healed; will you feel better or are you destined for a life of horrible anxiety and depression.  I don't think that to be miserable all your life is your destiny. 

 

As long as you don't give up, you stay positive, you stay hopeful and you keep fighting to be that happy, healthy, confident, person that is hiding somewhere within you, wanting so badly to bust out into the sunshine - you will, one day, be that person that you were meant to be.

 

I sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, wish you much peace and happiness, and a fast and lasting recovery.

 

pj

Thank-you, pj for your quick response.  I am amazed how much care and concern you have for all the suffering benzo buddies.  You are a very special person.  I don't know what is the problem with my cns but I know that I feel overwhelmed by almost everything.  All my life I have had to be so careful about not getting too much stress in my life or I would fall apart so easily.  Even just having a few people around (including my family) can make me overwhelmed.  It is just so "over the top" ridiculous that it drives me crazy.  My husband is the total opposite and loves being with lots of people and talking forever and travelling and nothing seems to be too much for him.  That makes me feel even worse about myself and I feel so weird and abnormal.  But the drugs I have tried haven't helped and have probably made everything worse.  Right now, I just feel terrified all the time and can't enjoy anything.  I have told my family that they would all be better off without me because I make them worry about how much I am suffering just to make it through each day.  My daughter who is 28 and married is the only person who has made me feel a little bit of hope but I really do feel that I am broken and unfixable.  My husband and I are retired and redoing our yard and home and that is overwhelming for me.  He also wants to spend six months in Florida every winter.  He has been going there every year for the past four years and I have been staying here because I felt too sick and scared to go.  However, I flew there this year by myself and stayed three months.  I was still feeling bad and couldn't enjoy myself but was afraid how I would be by myself through the long cold winter with my terrible anxiety.  All of this contributes to my overwhelmed feeling.  I just want to be "normal" and enjoy life like other people.

Sorry for burdening you with my sad life but I hope that getting off the benzos will help me feel ok being alone again.  I used to love drawing and reading and just going for a walk and now I can't even enjoy that any more.

I am so happy to see you enjoying your life so much.  What a blessing for you and well deserved.  You are definitely a blessing to everyone on this forum.

Thanks again for your kind thoughts and words and encouragement even though you are so busy with your life.

Marie

Good morning Marie,

 

Before I begin my busy day I wanted to say a few more words to you, and thank you for the nice compliments.  You are a very kind and sensitive person, as evidenced by your words that speak so much about who you are, and why you feel as you do.  I understand the toll that your depression and anxiety must have on you.

 

All the different drugs you have taken that have made you sick is most likely your bodies way of telling you that you are who you are, and you cannot, by a pill, be magically transformed into someone who you are not. 

 

Through no fault of your own - for some unknown reason, you were born with a CNS that is very fragile, causing you, for most of your life, to be unusually nervous and apprehensive.  To be scared, overwhelmed, and extremely uncomfortable in many situations has to be so hard on you.  I wish there were a medicine without any side-effects that could give you the happy, normal life that you are seeking. 

 

Although I believe in the premise that the fewer drugs a person ingests, the better off they are - there are times in our life when we become desperate, and we have to seek the council and advice of someone in the medical profession. 

 

You are who you are; a kind, sensitive person who, in your own right, is a special and unique person.  I'm sure that you possess  many good and loving traits which your family appreciates.  And no, they would not be better off without you.  The fact that you flew all by yourself to Florida, and stayed there for three months proves how strong you are, and how you are trying so hard to be amenable to others at the expense of your own well being.   

 

Instead of being so down on yourself, because you are not the person that you or anyone else thinks you ought to be - embrace the wonderful person that you are.  Don't think that you are broken and unfixable.  Before benzos entered your life, it's understandable why you were comfortable being alone, because you felt at peace when you were alone.  You didn't  have to feel overwhelmed or scared, always in fear of being judged by people who never understood how you suffered in silence for so many years. 

 

Believe me, when you are healed from the damage that the benzos did to you, you will not be afraid to be alone anymore.  You will enjoy reading again, drawing, and going for walks again.  Never stop believing or hoping that things in your life can change, because they can change.  You CAN have that normal, happy life that you are looking for and that you deserve to have.     

 

pj

Pj, I am overwhelmed and speechless at your insight and empathy.  You are the best counsellor I have ever had and you know all about benzos as well.  Your description of me hit the nail right on the head.  I have spent my whole life trying to keep everyone else happy at the expense of my own health and life.  I feel guilty if I dont enjoy or want to do the things my husband loves such as snowboarding, sailing and going to car races.  I would rather lie somewhere in the shade of a tree and read.  His adventures are scary to me.  I dont like water and can't swim and he would love to live on a boat.  He can lay on the beach surrounded by people and feel relaxed.  I feel like hiding under my sunbrella and reading out of sight of everyone else.  He loves to visit all his Serbian friends in Florida and spend hours talking and drinking while I would be ready to leave after half an hour and go for a solitary walk or relax at home watching tv or playing games on my ipad.  We are polar opposites.  He wants to spend six months in Florida and three months is more than enough being away from my home and kids and grandson.  As long as I can feel unafraid being by myself again, this won't be a big problem.  I can just go and stay as long as I want and then come back home.  We just lost our little Pomeranian who is in my avatar and my son moved out, so now when I'm home alone, I am really alone.  Right now, this feels very scary to me but I hope as I get better, it won't.  I talk to my daughter a lot and she is my biggest supporter.  She never gives up on me and always encourages me when I am terrified and just want to die to get away from the pain.  I thank God for her every day.

Pj, thank you sooooo much for encouraging me to be myself.  I would like to be like my husband but I'm not and I have to figure out a way to be me without feeling guilty if I can't do everything he would like me to or I would like to do but just can't.

I dont know where you got all your wisdom from but it is such a gift and you are using it to help others.

May God Bless you.  Hope you are having a wonderful day.  I guess we are on different time zone so your day is probably over by now.

Thank you again, my friend, for taking the time to console a complete stranger.  You are a very special person.

 

Marie

 

Hi Maria,

 

I'm sorry you lost your dog.  When we lose our dog - a little piece of our heart follows them up to Dog Heaven.

 

I posted below, the words I had written on another post some time ago about the importance of being yourself.  It is so very relevant to your situation, that I went back and found it so I could share it with you.

 

"To be truly happy, a person has to be who and what they are - doing what they know in their heart is the right thing for them to do.  If we live our life for someone else, at the expense and degradation of our own life,

happiness will elude us, and an emptiness deeper than the deepest ocean will forever linger in our heart."

 

It's time for you to start taking care of YOU, because YOU are the most important person in your life right now.  You've given so much happiness to  others - It's time for you to give a little happiness to yourself. 

 

pj 

Hi PJ,

Thanks again for your loving response.  I had a decent window yesterday but I have had all my life most days when I don't have any interest or motivation and this has just gotten worse as I get older.  So I'm never sure whether my main problem is anxiety or depression or both but meds haven't seemed to help.  For example, last evening I felt calm and interested in life and that I could do anything I wanted to and this morning I have no interest or motivation at all and could hardly make myself get up and do my exercises.  There is just no interest in life most of the time and everything seems overwhelming and pointless.  Basically, I have no passion for anything and just force myself to do what I have to do to get through each day.  This is mostly genetic I think because it is so up and down and doesn't seem to have anything to do with circumstances.  I don't really know what would make me happy or even who I am most of the time.  The anxious feelings are there most of the time also.  Oh, I just don't know...

Hope you are having a great day.

 

Marie

Can these up and down moods be caused or made worse by the benzos or are they just my underlying problem?  It is very difficult to live like this. :'(

Hi Marie,

 

If you had mild mood swings (we have all had them) before you took the benzos, that's not so unusual, but if those mood swings became more frequent and much worse after you took the benzos - then yes, the benzos have likely made your up and down moods worse.

 

On the other hand, if severe or recurring mood swings have always been an integral part of your life, then there has to be an underlying problem. 

 

I'm almost certain that benzos can not (cause) mood swings per se, but at the drop of a hat, they can sure turn a happy, docile person into an angry, frustrated person - because those withdrawals can really tick a person off.

 

It's not much of a consolation for you, but those withdrawals are only temporary, so when they have ended, you will be in a much better position to assess where you are at on your journey to a happier, and more fulfilling life.

 

Take care.

 

pj

Thanks, PJ.  I have always struggled with nerves and what I would call disthymia but only had a bad depression while on the birth control pill 35 years go.  I am sure that I have gotten worse since being on all the meds and I have been on and off the benzos cold turkey over the last few years after taking them for days or weeks or sporadically, not realizing what I was doing.  I know I have an underlying problem but it seems to be there regardless what I try.  I'm sure the benzos haven't helped.  I just feel so hopeless today and don't know how to keep going if it is only going to get worse.  My daughter just brought me some flowers.  If I could be cured with love, my goodness, I would be feeling like a million bucks right now.

Marie

Good morning,

 

What a kind, thoughtful, loving daughter you have.  On those days when you are feeling hopeless think about the love your daughter has for you, and remember the joy and inspiration you received from those beautiful flowers she gave to you. 

 

Marie, love CAN cure people.  Love is that formidable, invisible force that has the power to make the hopeless become hopeful, the scared to become unafraid, and the meek to become strong.

 

Take some time out of your day today from worrying.  Devote that time to doing something special for yourself; something that makes you happy.

 

Gotta run - coffee break is over - back to work.

 

pj   

Yes, I sure do have a kind, thoughtful, loving daughter.  Thankfully, she didn't inherit my anxiety.  Thanks again for taking the time to send me encouraging notes.  I have my grandson today.  I just watched him at a gymnastics class even though I am terribly shaky today.  I will take him to McDonalds for lunch and then go to his house and take their pug for a walk and hang out there until his parents come home from work.

I went down another .02 mgs of K today.  I am wondering if I should be dividing the dose and taking it twice a day.  I have always taken it in the morning because that is when I feel the most nervous and I take the small amounts of Elavil and Seroquel at bedtime.

Hope you are having a good weekend.

M

 

I came in the house to get a cup of coffee, checked the computer and there you were my friend.

 

I'm happy for you, Marie.  It sounds like you are having a wonderful day being with your grandson. 

 

I'm not very well-versed when it comes to tapering benzos, because I foolishly went cold turkey, but it makes sense to take your dose twice a day to keep things on more of an even keel.  Perhaps someone who has tapered will chime in and offer their expertise.

 

Thank you.  I'm having a very nice weekend so far.  Have fun with the little guy

 

pj 

Feeling so anxious I can barely stand it.

 

Flicka,

 

I'm sorry that you are having a rough day.  The best advice I can give to you regarding your anxiety is to walk, and walk, and walk.

 

Distraction is a very important aspect in relieving anxiety.  Walking will give you a huge amount of sensory distraction.  When you are walking, your brain is constantly processing all the sights and sounds around you.  The wind in your face, the ground beneath your feet, the smell of the fragrant flowers, the sight of happy little kids playing - all these things, combined with your body feeling tired because of all the energy you are expending can help to reduce anxiety.

Lack of activity or exercise can create a lot of unused energy that can make your anxiety worse, because the more tired you are from walking or other forms of exercise, the better your body feels.  And the better you feel, chances are you will have lower anxiety.

 

In addition to walking, another thing you can do to lessen your anxiety is to not worry endlessly about what people think of you.  If they do not like you as you are, who cares - You do not need their approval or society's approval in all that you say or do.  Don't be afraid to occasionally thumb your nose at society and what it expects of you.  It will make you feel better.

 

You are your own unique person.  Nobody owns you or has the right to change you or mold you into their perception of who you should be, or how you should live your life. 

 

We are all given just one body, one mind, one life.  It's our body, it's our mind, and it's our life. 

 

I don't know if any of what I wrote helps you, because when we do not really know someone, it's awfully hard to respond to them when all we can do is speak in generalities as to what may or may not be helpful to them.

Hi PJ,

 

I do about an hour of exercise each morning when I get up.  I first do yoga and weights for about half an hour and then I do aerobics and bouncing on my rebounder for half an hour for my osteoporosis.  I can't explain the way I feel most of the time, especially in the mornings.  I just feel afraid of everything and have no motivation or interest in doing anything.  My husband is away working until the end of the month and I haven't been out of the house except for one walk and going to the store to buy a few groceries.  I spend all my time trying to distract myself from how awful I feel by reading on here or playing games on my Ipad or trying to read the newspaper and do the crossword puzzles and sudoku.  I just feel like I am hanging on minute by minute and trying to stay alive even though I don't really feel like it and would love to be out of this misery.  I don't know if I am worse since starting my taper but definitely not better.  I feel weird being by myself and yet I like the quiet and not having any responsibility for anyone else.  Whenever I go and do things, I don't enjoy them at all and feel even more anxious and overwhelmed.  I just don't want to live like this but don't know how to fix it or even if it is fixable.  Why is life so difficult for me?  I am sorry for whining and I appreciate you always coming on here and trying to help me.  I just don't think I can be helped and feel so hopeless because the world and life in general is overwhelming for me but I can't stay in the house forever and I don't feel any better when I do anyway.  I just have no interest in anything.  Can barely force myself to get out of bed and try to face another day.  Have felt like this for years.  I have had so many people loving me and praying for me but I only seem to get worse.  None of the meds or other treatments have helped me and I have spent tons of money trying to get better.  Don't see any way out any more.

M

Hi M,

 

I think most of us human beings have a storm of discontentment, and disillusionment swirling around in our head like the winds inside a tornado.  We often try to calm that storm with drugs.  Sometimes the storm subsides, sometimes it doesn't.

 

I don't have any answers as to why you have been feeling so depressed and riddled with anxiety for so many years.  Believe me, I wish that I did.   

 

Perhaps there was an incident in your childhood that you have no memory of because it has been suppressed from your mind all these years, and it manifests itself in the form of depression, and or anxiety.  . 

 

No matter how hopeless your life seems, there are some things that you can do that will make your life shine.

 

Try very hard to not think about the past or about the future. Try to live in the moment.  If it's possible for you to do so, force yourself to get out of the house and do something that takes your mind away from the past and away from the future.  The past is gone and the future is not here yet, that's why it's important to live in the moment.

 

As difficult as it can be, force yourself to volunteer somewhere, for one or two or three hours every day.  It won't be easy at first, but the rewards can be very inspiring - spiritually, physically, and mentally.

 

Helping others with their problems can often help a person forget about their own problems for awhile.  appreciating the moment can help you to forget about the hopelessness that you feel. 

 

Promise me one thing - If you ever get so overwhelmed or discouraged to the point that you may even remotely think about harming yourself, please talk to someone from the medical profession.

 

I really do wish you the very best.  If I seem to come across as unfeeling or uncaring, I don't mean to.  I care a lot about people; it bothers me when they have to suffer so much that they cannot get any enjoyment from life, when life can be such a beautiful thing.

 

 

I came back today ( Saturday) because I just felt compelled to say a few more words to you .  You sound so lonely and so lost, and you want so much to be happy.  You want so badly to be free from the darkness, the pain, and the fear, that is tearing you apart.  You are trying so hard.  Smile, my friend, because there is hope.

 

If you can find beauty in the colors of a sunset, then you still have hope.  If you can find peace sitting under a tree, listening to the leaves and feeling the wind on your face, then you still have hope.

 

There is always hope that things will change in your life, no matter how many times they have failed to change in the past.  We have all failed many times in the past, although we may not remember.

 

The first time you tried to walk, you fell down.  When, for the first time, you tried on roller skates, you fell down and skinned your knees on the sidewalk.  The first time you rode your little bike with no training wheels, you fell off, but you got right back up, because even at that young age, you didn't want to give up.  You had hope that you would succeed, and you did succeed, because you did not give up.

 

And you will succeed now, because I know that you will not give up. 

 

Is there someone you can go walking with?  I know that I have mentioned this before, but Just to go walking in the sunshine with someone you can share your thoughts with, really does help.  I read somewhere that when walking, our feet our like little Psychiatrists. 

 

For most folks, mornings are when depression and anxiety can be at it's worse, because we fear that the day ahead of us will be no better than it was yesterday.  That's when we have to smile, and say:  "Maybe today will be a better day."

 

pj

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hi PJ,

 

Yesterday, I suddenly felt much better and went to visit my 92-year old lady friend and took her a latte and we played Scrabble.  I was feeling fine and even thought to myself in the evening that I might get out my paints and do some painting tomorrow.  I trimmed a bush and vacuumed the house and watered the grass and felt totally fine being alone.

 

When I woke up this morning, I was so depressed and fearful that I could hardly function.  What is wrong with me that I can change overnight and be a completely different person?  It drives me crazy.  I barely made it through the day today.

 

If I had most days like yesterday and an occasional awful day, I could stand it but this is ridiculous.  I don't know anyone else like me.  No doctor can figure me out and don't know what to do for me.

 

I made another taper on my K today.  Don't seem to have the withdrawal things that most people talk about; just my normal anxious overwhelmed self.

 

Thanks for your kind comments and suggestions, PJ.  I'm just a very weird case, I'm afraid.  Hope you are having a wonderful weekend.  You deserve it.

 

Gratefully,

M

 

Hi M,

 

Wow!  Look at you - You were like the Energizer Battery Bunny - You just kept going and going.  How wonderful and inspired you must have felt. 

 

On those days when you are motivated - just go with the flow and enjoy the day for all it's worth.  On those days when you are in a funk and you are not so very motivated to do much of anything, just ride it out, and try not to worry about it.

There will be many more days when you are motivated, and life will be good again. Try not to let the hopelessness you feel on your 'bad' days overshadow the happiness that you felt on your 'good' days. 

 

Hang onto the happy memories in your life, and let the not so happy memories in your life just float away with the clouds.

 

You are so fortunate that you have the ability to paint.  Not everyone can do that.  Creative folks tend to have more social anxiety, and struggle more in life than non-creative people do.  Perhaps you are more creative than you realize that you are.  Get out those brushes, and have at it. 

 

I've always admired Grandma Moses for the simplicity of her paintings and of her words.  "Life is what we make it, always has been, always will be."

 

pj

I am always so anxious and overwhelmed with everything in life that I have no interest in anything because I am so filled with fear that I can't concentrate or enjoy anything.  Just getting up overwhelms me and I feel like hiding in bed because doing anything is just too much for me.  How am I supposed to handle stressful things if I can't even cope just with life in general?

Why did God make me like this?  What use am I to anyone when I'm too scared to do anything.  Even if I force myself to do things, it's like I am not really there and can't enjoy things like a normal person.  Every thought I have is just filled with fear because I can't cope.

I am sleeping worse since I started tapering and sleep is the only peace I get.  I have lost all hope of ever getting better.  I just wish God would take me.  I haven't been able to draw or paint for a long time and I used to love it when I was younger.  Now I just don't care.  Everything is meaningless to me because of my overwhelming fear of everything and nothing.

Hi M,

 

Although, at times, it's good for a person's well-being to be around and communicate with others, it's not the worst thing in the world to spend a lot of time by yourself, doing the things that you are comfortable doing.  As you previously eluded to, being alone can be most pleasant and satisfying at times. 

 

Try not to feel guilty or think that you are a lesser of a person because of your fears; instead accept your fears as a part of who you are.  If you don't fight those fears, perhaps other people in your life will more readily accept you for who you are, and stop trying to change you; allowing you to be free and happy to live your life in the best way that is suited for you.

 

Just try and be yourself, doing the things that make you happy.  I have never yet met anyone who was ever happy trying to be someone other than who they are.

 

True happiness and contentment come to us when we accept who we are, embracing our good qualities (I sure that you have many) as well as embracing our qualities that we tend to perceive as not so good.

 

We cannot all have the brains of an Einstein, the looks of a Movie Star or be as fearless as a Fighter Pilot or as calm as an Emergency Room Doctor.  None of us can expect to be perfect in an imperfect world, so we should embrace our differences, and appreciate the differences of others, and seek happiness, not from other people, but from within ourselves.

 

"Don't put the key of happiness in someone else's pocket."  I don't recall who coined that phrase, but it sure makes sense.

 

Peace to you.

 

pj

Hi M,

 

After coming back and reading my response to you, I wanted to do some editing, but I was unable to because too much time had elapsed since I wrote it, so I am responding to you on a new post, because I don't think I gave you a very helpful answer to your concerns, and it bothered me.

 

You say that you wished God would just take you; that concerns me.  If you ever become so overwhelmed that you, even remotely, think about harming yourself, please seek professional help from your doctor.

 

You have had terrible anxiety and fears for a long time before you ever took any benzos, so it's obvious that the benzos you took did not cause your issues, but they can certainly make them worse, because benzos are notorious for causing a person to be extremely fearful at times, with terrible anxiety.

 

Why did God make you like this, you wonder.  Why are any of us who we are?  A Doctor of Theology would have a tough time answering that question.

 

I sense that you are a very kind, and decent - caring person who wants so much to have a happy, normal kind of life, not a perfect life, but a happy normal kind of a life. 

 

Although we humans may have been born without the capacity to find the answers as to why people have to suffer on this Earth, thank goodness, most

of us were born with the ability to be kind and compassionate towards our fellow inhabitants on this Earth who are suffering - because it takes someone with an understanding heart and a compassionate soul to help others when the creator cannot.     

 

Perhaps we were given these qualities by the creator so we could help each other cope with, and adjust to an imperfect world where society can be awfully cruel and mean to folks, who through no fault of their own, were born different from other folks.   

I suppose, If he wanted to, God or whomever a person believes created the mystery that we call life - Could give us the answers to all our questions - but if he did, then we would not have been given the ability to be compassionate or understanding towards helping others, because

 

if everyone knew all the answers to everything in life or if there were a cure for everything in this life, there would be no reason for us to be compassionate or understanding.

 

We would just be an unfeeling entity - a shadow without the person,  because without compassion or understanding, we as human beings, are nothing.

 

Sorry, I didn't mean to be so philosophical.  I really do wish, and hope that you are somehow able to find that happy, normal life that you are so deserving of.

 

pj 

Thank-you, PJ.  You are definitely a compassionate and understanding human being.  I always thought I was too but when I am so anxious (and today, depressed), I find it terribly difficult to even connect with others.  I went and played Scrabble with my elderly friend the last two days and ran some errands for her, even though I felt like He.. all the while.  She is so appreciative of everything I do for her and it means so much to her.  She is 92 years old and had a couple of heart attacks and a hip replacement recently and yet she is so calm and has no anxiety or depression or fears.

Today I woke feeling exhausted and depressed and, other than forcing myself to do my exercises, I haven't done much of anything else and can hardly bear the way I feel.  I have been to the ER a few times over the last couple of years because of feeling like I couldn't live like this any more.  They put me in the mental health Center for three weeks and tried me on yet another AD which didn't help at all and really made my anxiety worse.  I don't see any point going there any more because they can't seem to help me so when I feel suicidal which I do most of the time, I feel like there are no options for me any more.  What professional help can I seek now?  All they can do is put me on more drugs which obviously haven't helped me and I believe have made me much worse.  So, I am trying to get off the drugs and w/d is making my sleep, anxiety and depression even worse if that is possible.  If I knew it was going to get better, it would help me to hang on but at this point, it doesn't feel like it will get better, at least not while in withdrawal and for a long time afterwards.  When I am just trying to get through a minute at a time, a long road ahead seems almost impossible.

My daughter came by and brought me some lunch and spent some time with me this afternoon.  I didn't feel any less depressed but it was nice to have her quiet company and hugs.  She is my biggest supporter and insists that the K and other drugs made me much worse than I ever was before.  I want to believe her and keep hoping for that light at the end of the tunnel - I just hope it's not a train coming lol.

I do know that I used to enjoy being alone and now it feels scary so something has changed.  Since I have been on the drugs, I not only feel disconnected from people but also God who used to play such a big part in my life - now I feel no connection there at all.  If I do manage to get to church or read my Bible, it just seems meaningless to me - like something in my brain is no longer working properly.  Like a dead man walking.

Just keep wondering if there is any hope for me.

Thank-you again for reaching out to a complete stranger.  It always gives me a little boost when I see a message from you.  You are a very special person.

 

With loving thoughts and much appreciation.

 

M