I'm not going to get better. I can just tell.

I'm sure you guys have read my other posts to see what my symptoms are so I won't repeat them all. I'm just not going to make it. I don't think there is getting through anything. I'm pretty sure this is just how it is and I can't take it. And I'm so sensitive this guessing game of medication doctors might try so I'm scared of taking a chance on something that could make things way worse. Just 6 months ago me and my wife were doing great, both had good jobs, and life was getting started. Now I don't know if I'll ever be able to work again, my wife will probably lose her job very soon since she has to keep taking care of me and I can't be alone, and that big bright future is gone. I don't see friends or family anymore, can hardly read, play games or watch tv. I just suffer and stare waiting to get better but nothing changes. I'm losing and the stress, pain, sadness, depression, isolation, guilt, weakness, and loss of my mind is killing me. I've fought so hard but I don't have much left. I'm damaged. I'm sure most people would think I need mental help, but I know that not it. There is some kind of chemcical, nerve, physiological thing going on here but it's too much and no sign of it going away. I don't know how to keep watching it all fall apart and keep hoping for something that is t happening. I don't even know why I get on here and say these things. I just don't know what else to do. I want my life back.

Dear Coop,

This makes my heart hurt to read.  I'm so sorry you're going through such a rough patch with w/d and life stressors on top of it all.  Are you:

    exercising

    drinking lots of water

    eating well

 

These are things I've seen recommended over and over.  I've gone to a drug counselor who told me the same.  It's helped me a lot. 

 

Don't give up...you've come too far to give up.  The tapering is behind you and from reading all the posts here, you probably know it could take six months to a year to turn the corner.  In the meantime, walk, drink water, read the success stories and keep posting!  Yes, you ARE going to get better!!  Don't let the negatives get to you...that just makes the w/d worse...

 

Challis

I drink as much water as I can, I walk as much as I can when I'm not too weak, I could probably eat better. I'm just to weak and out of it to even bother trying to do everything as healthy as I can. My brain and body are GONE. I don't know why I'm having to suffer this badly. I can barely read anything. Success stories just depress me. I feel like something else must be wrong because I can't see anyone suffering the same way I am. Something else must be wrong. I've prayed so much to get better. I think I'm getting worse. I don't know what to do or how to make it.

I'm sure you guys have read my other posts to see what my symptoms are so I won't repeat them all. I'm just not going to make it. I don't think there is getting through anything. I'm pretty sure this is just how it is and I can't take it. And I'm so sensitive this guessing game of medication doctors might try so I'm scared of taking a chance on something that could make things way worse. Just 6 months ago me and my wife were doing great, both had good jobs, and life was getting started. Now I don't know if I'll ever be able to work again, my wife will probably lose her job very soon since she has to keep taking care of me and I can't be alone, and that big bright future is gone. I don't see friends or family anymore, can hardly read, play games or watch tv. I just suffer and stare waiting to get better but nothing changes. I'm losing and the stress, pain, sadness, depression, isolation, guilt, weakness, and loss of my mind is killing me. I've fought so hard but I don't have much left. I'm damaged. I'm sure most people would think I need mental help, but I know that not it. There is some kind of chemcical, nerve, physiological thing going on here but it's too much and no sign of it going away. I don't know how to keep watching it all fall apart and keep hoping for something that is t happening. I don't even know why I get on here and say these things. I just don't know what else to do. I want my life back.

 

Hi Coop,  I know this is rough.  But you need to listen to me.  Your life will return to normal again.  All this stuff you are going through is from WDS from this drug.  Everything you said above, my husband was saying last year when he got off this stuff, everything exactly word for word.  This lasted just a few months, and poof, that mental thinking was gone.  Sure he still had other wds, the physical to go through, but the mental thinking as you expressed left.  You have the inner strength and will in you to get through this.  You need to fight through it and you can. You are going to make it!  There is NO DAMAGE at all to your brain or body.  This is a temporary disruption to your system from only one thing A BENZO DRUG!  Now, no matter how rough this is, and it truly is, you need to get up, shower, get out in the fresh air and tell yourself this is not going to take me down, its the stupid drug that has caused this, this is TEMPORARY, and I WILL FIGHT MY WAY THROUGH THIS TO HAVE MY LIFE BACK!!  Stand in front of the mirror, point your finger and say, I WILL NOT LET MR. BENZO defeat me.  You need to come onto this site to have support for all of us.  A big hug to you.  Know get moving and get some better thoughts with good self talk.  Hugs to you Coop.  Patty

Well, as a teacher and daughter of an English major (who never let me forget it  ) I have to say you write, spell and punctuate perfectly! 

 

Your brain and body will come back.  Give yourself some...you're less than three weeks off.  Just an observation, but when I was terribly worried about my symptoms they all became so much worse. 

 

Is there anything that helps?  Are you able to sleep? 

 

Challis

I'm too weak and sad to fight. I'm causing me and my wife to lose everything. Our jobs, our money, our sanity. It's all over. We were so successful and were about to buy a house and start a family. It's all gone. Were gonna have nothing soon and I'm not even sure I'm going to live. I feel dead already. Why is this happening?!?!?!!  I can't take it! I don't know how to fight any ore. That part of my brain and body have been taken. There's no help or hope for me. This is the worst it's ever been.

 

I've been able to sleep but only got about 4 hours last night and woke up worrying. Maybe that is why it's more difficult today, but it's so hard every day. I feel like my brain is dying and my body is burning and melting away.

Coop, this was written by Parker a few days ago.  I keep going back and reading it and have posted it on a few threads because I thought it was so positive:

 

 

I have a background in a good chunk of neuroscience. I didn't study GABA receptors, per se, but I did study the nervous system and took classes in neuroanatomy and physiology for my M.S. in speech pathology. I worked, for a short time, with brain injury patients at a prominant hospital. They had strokes or traumatic brain injuries (TBI) from car accidents, etc. Long story short, you aren't "wrong" - we do have temporary damage. But it's okay to say that word out loud and then to realize what that really means. It's temporary.

 

When you fall down and skin your knee, you have skin "damage". But that doesn't last forever.  It heals and then what do you say about it?  It WAS damaged, but it isn't any longer.

 

The same thing goes on with this particular type of damage. SOME types of brain and CNS damage are NOT reversible. These tend to be certain types of open and closed head injuries where the brain literally turns around in the skull and the axons at the base of the brain tear.  These do not tend to heal.  But I have seen ALL OTHER types of brain injury heal beyond what seems miraculous.  I have seem people who were in a coma for months, then only responded to light and sound, then began to wake up and were extremely agitated and not oriented AT ALL to time/place/year/family/etc.  - to beginning to regain memory through the aid of a notebook with photos - to learning how to talk again, walk again, and do simply things like choosing ingredients to make a sandwich and initiate actually making the sandwich. SOMETIMES THESE THINGS TAKE MONTHS to progress through these stages.  AND YET, I have followed some of these people and some are public speakers, TV correspondents, parents, community leaders. You'd be SHOCKED.

 

OUR damage (to GABA receptors) is pervasive in that it affects so many aspects of our functioning - and we are AWAKE and COHERENT while going through it. But while we have the unfortunate aspect of having to go through this while conscious, we have only to regain affinity for our GABA receptors.  This happens, at times, incredibly more slowly than we'd like -but it DOES happen.

 

Even in the peripheral nervous system, a person may cut his finger and lose feeling or function, but in 6 monhts to a year, both of these return.

 

The nervous system has an incredible ability to renew itself.  It simply needs the adequate nutrition (proteins, nutrient-rich fruits and vegetables), water, and REST.  Given time and these building blocks, our GABA receptors DO and WILL retain affinity for GABA - and we will know completely healing.

It may take months to a year for the major stuff - or potentially - POTENTIALLY - longer for the lesser things or kinks to work out - but in general, a majority of this healing will go on if the body is given time, rest, and nutrition.

 

The damage is there - but is no more permanant than a skinned knee. It feels SO much bigger, but it simply is going to repair itself. 

 

I no longer think of "benzos" anymore - or "withdrawal". I think simply of "recovery" as this is what it is.

It's NO EASIER for us to go through it. It's HARD. It's so hard.  But it's not coma. We're SO much better off than we really realize.  It's just that it's such a stark contrast to being "well". But we will be well once again. 

And we dont' have to go through speech therapy or physical therapy or occupational therapy or any of that. We just have to wait it out.

 

It's SO not fun, but in a way, as far as brain injuries go, it's one of the best "kind" to have. 

I am actually glad I got to write this post, because as I come out of this, I never really thought of it this way. It was nice to write it.

 

 

Hang on, Coop...you've come too far to give up now. Challis

Hi Coop,

 

Do you have a piece of paper and pen handy?  I would like to do an exercise with you that helps me out of the "sour benzo brain" that you are currently experiencing.

 

Let me know if you would like to do this with me right now.  Love, Klonkers

I'll try Klonkers.

Hi Coop

 

YOU WILL GET BETTER. Please believe this, it's the only way out of this darkness you are experiencing. Try to do something different each day. Even if it's really trivial. Anything that will break the monotony of you current routine. I understand the thought of any excercise at the moment is abhorant and that is probably too big a step to take at this stage. Have you thought about/tried any relaxation techniques ? Meditation CDs and books can really help you, just really small steps at a time. Don't try and expect to much of yourself. You are ill and you need to rest, but the achievement of the simplest goals set to realistic expectations can be ever so slightly rewarding. This can be built on, on a daily basis. I know this seems futile at the moment and the temptation to beat yourself up is ever present.

 

You were enjoying life 6 months ago and you can get there again. It takes time and I'd be a fool to try and suggest that it's an easy path. You can get there again. Really you can. Honestly....

 

Jim

OK.  Here we go.  Write this down.  Carry this paper everywhere you go. When you start having any thoughts - read this out loud.  You will have to do this several times every single day. 

 

"Do Not believe a Word!  My brain is in a chemical storm or is undergoing a software "reboot".  My brain and my mind are only reacting to chemicals and this is temporary".

 

Write these sentences down:

 

1. I am in withdrawal and this is temporary.

 

2.  I am Alive, Safe, and I am going to be OK.  I am OK.

 

3.  I am in control of my thoughts.  I do not have to act on my thoughts.

 

4.  Everything is really OK!

 

5.  My world is OK.

 

6.  My bewilderment will pass.  I have had Windows that prove this.

 

7.  I am safe.

 

8.  I am sane, my mind is sound.

 

9.  This is temporary.

 

10.  I am having looping thoughts right now.  I NEED TO GET UP AND DO SOMETHING WITH MY HANDS IN ORDER TO DISPLACE THESE THOUGHTS.

 

Keep posting, Coop.  We are here for you.  Love, Klonkers

 

 

OK.  Here we go.  Write this down.  Carry this paper everywhere you go. When you start having any thoughts - read this out loud.  You will have to do this several times every single day. 

 

"Do Not believe a Word!  My brain is in a chemical storm or is undergoing a software "reboot".  My brain and my mind are only reacting to chemicals and this is temporary".

 

Write these sentences down:

 

1. I am in withdrawal and this is temporary.

 

2.  I am Alive, Safe, and I am going to be OK.  I am OK.

 

3.  I am in control of my thoughts.  I do not have to act on my thoughts.

 

4.  Everything is really OK!

 

5.  My world is OK.

 

6.  My bewilderment will pass.  I have had Windows that prove this.

 

7.  I am safe.

 

8.  I am sane, my mind is sound.

 

9.  This is temporary.

 

10.  I am having looping thoughts right now.  I NEED TO GET UP AND DO SOMETHING WITH MY HANDS IN ORDER TO DISPLACE THESE THOUGHTS.

 

Keep posting, Coop.  We are here for you.  Love, Klonkers

 

Very cool Klonkers, LOVE this

Coop

 

I know this seems like asking the absolute impossible, but I think it is important and therapeutic to reassure your wife that while you are in the doldrums now, you will feel better in a matter of months ( maybe 3 - 6, possibly a bit more) and your long term plans haven't changed. Tell her you are sorry that you are both dealing with this but that you are confident in the future ( even though you obviously are not, reality suggests otherwise ).

 

DS

Hi Coop,

Hope all these suggestions aren't overwhelming to you. I agree with BenzoJim, this is a wd symptom. If you can think of it like that, perhaps you can relax and let it play out. Many people recover from life issues brought on my not just benzo, but all kinds of "life setbacks". Don't try to fix all of that today, or tomorrow, but concentrate on letting this pass. I know that feeding that depressin with negativity will keep it in front of you. Of all the suggestions, take what is easiest and do that. Go get a glass of water. Find a comfortable place to sit and just breath and say quietly to yourself, "it's ok, as if you might speak to your wife or a child who is frightened." Even if you don't feel like it, much like when you have the flu, you don't feel like eating or drinking but you know you must to heal. Don't be your worst enemy in this fight. You don't have to climb to the hightest mountain to advocate for yourself. Maybe even just say, I'm not going to give up, but I am going to sit with water in the sun, cut up a piece of fruit that you like, whatever used to bring you calm, try that. I know that for me when depression set in, I went through the motions, there was no relief for 5 days, but I think I pulled out of it faster because I did some proven things that help with that depression.

 

I echo Challis. You have come too far to give up. Imagine yourself 2 years from now. Use your imagination. See you and your wife, moving into the home of your dreams. Watching your children grow, and using all the strength that you mustered during this time, to teach your children by example a wise lesson of strength despite life's hardship. Letting your mind wander over positive thoughts, push out the negative intrusive ones as best you can. They serve no purpose and will derail the positive image that will increase your seratonin. At the botton of my page in my sig is a link titled "8 min break". I encourage you to watch it, take all your thoughts out. It might calm you a bit at a time like this.

 

Find your center, Coop. You can do this.

Warm Hug, fellow BB.

Sarah~

I wrote them all down. I will try my best to read them and believe them. I've tried to tell myself a million times that everything will be okay, but it doesn't work. I guess I'm too far gone to cope and be calm and not feel pain. Or distract for that matter. I don't know. I'll keep trying.

Good Job, Coop!

 

Every single time you find yourself going down the "rabbit hole" with the looping thoughts - grab that piece of paper and say each one out loud over and over and over again.  You cannot cheat!  Keep doing this. 

 

You HAVE CONTROL.  You demonstrated this by following instructions.  I promise you relief if you challenge the thoughts.  Show this to your wife and she can work on a new list that is specific to you.  Love, Klonkers

Coop, dog gone it you will make it. Im counting on you. Im crying my eyes out right now with great empathy and compasion for you I hate this whole deal Im angry at what these meds did to us. But you and i will beat this we have too. You have a wife thats counting on you , and i have a hubby counting on me. I wrote down all the things on paper too. Im going to read it as much as i need to. We have to speak as if we are better no matter how we feel. We will not be defeated I am so in awe at the Love and concern everyone has for you coop. This is true love when people care this much. You are so strong! Now believe it! Love and prayers to you  Jackie

I can feel all the love and support everyone is giving me. They all want me to get better and I don't want to disappoint anyone and have all that support go for nothing. I'm just in a dark, evil hole now and I don't know how to pull myself out. I actually don't think I can pull myself out, I'm just waiting to be brought out. In the meantime I swear I'm trying to deal with this and cope but nothing I do, think, or say changes it. This is no relaxing, calming, or coping. Just trying to survive each day. And I can't help but have feat that since my situation is so different and has all these other factors to consider and me selfishly thinking I'm worse than most, that there could be something else wrong with me that no tests can prove and it's all a guessing game for my life.

Coop im sorry if i made you feel worse that was not my intention. I get what your saying. the despair is overwhelming i know. I believe you will get a hold of this  We are all here to help you. I know fatiuge and crying alot seem to hit me most of the time along with mind boggling burning skin. It does make you feel defeated at times. Im trying to find anything to interest me. So far its tuff to find things when you just feel like laying in your closet in tears. But im forcing myself to make myself do anything else even if im exhausted and have no interest. I was in the grocery store yesterday and met a lady useing a very big ,lighted magnafying glass. I just walked up to her and said wow thats really cool. She told me she had to special order it. She has macular degeneration and can not see without it. Her eyes will only get worse until she is blind. But you know what, She had the best attitude i was impressed. I told her how i really liked her joy in spite of her cicumstance. You know what she said to me? Why should i be down what god will that do me. I walked away from her with a better outlook. She will not get better. But you and i will. God bless you Coop. all will be well 

Coop, those are the benzos talking.  Talk louder than they do.

Challis

Coop,

 

It's impossible for me to know exactly how you feel but it sounds an awful lot like what I was feeling when I was in acute wd. Maybe you are a little better than I was, maybe a little worse....who knows, but I was right there where you are now and it was by far the worst experience of my life. It was exponentially worse than anything I could have imagined. I'm not sure how I did it but I managed to get through hour after hour and day after day of the torture until eventually life became bearable again. And then it got better. And as time went on it got a lot better. Now I am coming up on 15 months off and although I am not completely healed I can see it on the horizon, and it's a wonderful thing.

 

Hard to say how long you will have to deal with acute symptoms but most people seem to show improvement after 1-3 months. Right now everything seems hopeless but once you get over that hump you will begin to see that there might be hope.

Hi, Coop.  I know you are suffering in a horrible, horrible way -- it gets better, I promise.  I don't know the exact subjective experience that is going on with you currently, but let me tell you a tiny bit of how bad I WAS.  For the first 3 months off my c/t, I was GONE beyond all hope of knowing who I was, and what reality was.  The fear, DP/DR was so strong that I was crippled beyond imagination.  My mind convinced me that I was the only conscious being that ever existed, and that I was going to the most unimaginable torturous hell after I died, and there would be no one, and nothing else there. I was convinced that I was already in some level of that hell, because I didn't recognize my family or friends, my house, NOTHING.  I was in such terror, that I was scared of children's programs. 

 

For the first 3 months my head felt like my crazy bone did when you hit it, and the morning adrenaline and pain was so bad that I would bolt out of bed, go outside and pull myself along in the grass with my arms and sink my teeth into the earth to keep from screaming -- I would writhe around until exhaustion.  All hope of any existence was GONE, but now, I'm light years ahead of that agony.  I'm still suffering, but NOTHING like I did in the beginning.  That is just a tiny fraction of what I experienced -- all of this was literal, and I meant nothing in any symbolic fashion; I thought it all was real.

 

I did not say any of this to disturb you, but I just want you to know how bad things WERE, and are not NOW.   You are going to get better, Coop -- just keep on stacking the days together, and then months will stack together.

coop, I am suffering just as badly as you. The thing that stood out to me most from what you wrote is when you said you just sit and stare in so much pain. This staring/zoning out from all the agony and exhaustion has been my worst symptom. It looks like you only recently finished your taper. You still have a lot of healing to do. The windows will come and they will start to get longer, I promise.

Thank you everyone. I swear I'm trying. I just keep feeling like I won't get better. I have the hope I  will but the pain and mental stuff is telling me it won't get better and it must be something else and what if I don't do something to fix it now. I feel like I'm suffering to no end and it will just make me worse the more I go like this. But I'm also scared to take meds that may make things worse or prevent healing so this is my only existence.

Thank you everyone. I swear I'm trying. I just keep feeling like I won't get better. I have the hope I  will but the pain and mental stuff is telling me it won't get better and it must be something else and what if I don't do something to fix it now. I feel like I'm suffering to no end and it will just make me worse the more I go like this. But I'm also scared to take meds that may make things worse or prevent healing so this is my only existence.

 

Everything you just said is 100% withdrawal talking. I have had and still have those exact thoughts.

 

The only thing you need to do is get through wd by letting time pass. More drugs will not fix it.