Lost my Mind

I think I lost my mind for real.  I am almost 11 months off and I am worse now than I was in the beginning.  I am not making improvement at all.  I think my brain is stuck in some kind of state of shock.  I have 24/7 DP/DR, panic, anxiety, depression, confusion, disorientation, muscle/nerve pain, fatigue, confusion, more confusion, more DP, etc..  The list goes on and on. I'm seriously starting to get scared I am going to be like this forever.  I can't make sense of anything around me.  It all looks confusing, unreal, unfamiliar, and I feel extremely Numb.

 

Is there any way to stop the downward spiral?  Can anyone offer up anything?  I've tried a couple anti-depressants and they made me even worse.  I don't know what to do anymore. 

Hang in there. Are you seeing a therapist?

Ya Andy I had major mental breakdowns at eleven months.I don't know if you have something non addictive to help you sleepThe drug Remron in low dosage has helped me greatly.I also take a low dosage of Seraquel. For sleep.Taking the minimum dose has worked for me. Let me know how you are doing.

I have had all those same exact symptoms you are having. They do go away with time from experience. Time heals everything. I think the trauma of going through withdrawal can impact your mind psychologically. I agree that seeing a therapist might help. I hope you feel better!

Andy,  look at my post.  You will see that I lost it at 11 months.  I felt worse and worse as time went by that first year.  THEN...something changed after that 12 solid month.  I couldn't put my finger on it, but it just felt different.

 

At the 16th month, again something changed.  I was turning a corner.  Again at 18.  I finally realized that I was healing!  My DR/DP was lifting, I was getting windows on and off from all my sx's.  At 21 months I had an amazing turn.  My window got so strong that I felt almost normal.  I got windows everyday and Some period each day I experienced 100%!

 

This healing has continued to increase ever faster the closer I got to 24 months.  Now at 26, I feel almost healed! 

 

Feeling worse, even at 11 months, is normal.  Your not crazy.  Actually feeling worse, before getting better is quite common.  Keep doing what you are doing.  Stay away from all meds if at all possible.  I too tried an AD.  After 1 pill, it slammed me down to a deep hell that i didnt think was possible.  After that I said NO MORE.  I accepted the "time thing" and did my best to kill time and distract.

 

You will arrive at the finish line.  Even if it is a slow process (baby steps)  you will eventually arrive.

This is scary because I went off only half of my clonazepam for 3 days and I thought I was losing my mind and had to go back up.  How can a person get off this without going crazy?  I want to know if that's possible because I'm already depressed from this pill and now I am scared as hell.

Hi want2boff,

 

I recommended tapering the clonazepam as SLOW as possible. I had moderate symptoms tapering of this stuff the past month but nothing life threatening. Try tapering by cutting off a pill a TINY bit every 2 weeks. Yes it may take a long time to complete but tapering very slow and in very small quantities is the way to go. The symptoms wont be nearly as bad as going by half in 3 days!

With you the best of luck. Hand in there. Time will heal the body. And I hope you feel better.

I want so badly to believe that this is temporary like many of you said, but the intensity of my symptoms are making me question that.  The fact that I often feel like I am back to day 1 of withdrawal or even worse makes this really confusing.  If I was making some slight progress everyday than it would make sense, but this get worse before you get better stuff seems bizarre.  There is nothing normal about any of this though, so nothing would really surprise me anymore.  In any case, thank you all for responding with some confirmation that this might be normal. "Believe" I pray that I end up turning the corner like you did at some point.  Thanks for sharing your story. It really keeps me hopeful. Maybe that 12 month mark will be the one for me too.  I agree the AD trials may have really set me back more than I realize.  Doing my best to stay hopeful and let this take its course.

Andy are you doing any better?

Hi Andy. I am new here but I just had to say hang in there and please write how u are doing!

Andy are you doing any better? Haven't seen any posts in awhile.

 

Tina

Hi Andy,

 

I've only been around the forum a couple of weeks but the W/D can be crazy. Please stay strong and I hope you're ok! I have to believe we all heal. Therapy along with this taper is doing so much for me. I have to have both to make it through this. 

Hi,will I still heal even while on tegretol and remeron?  Angel

Andy,

 

Hang in there - Klonopin is the WORST for withdrawal which is why I switched over to Valium for a year before even starting to taper down - even the switch to Valium was not an easy one in the slightest, even with the dose of Valium being initially higher than the dose of Klonopin I was on.

 

I've been reading a lot about these drugs and how they work. As GABA starts recovering and functioning normally again, the brain has to compensate by tackling the over-active NMDA and AMPA receptors which can cause a backlash. Think about it this way. Your brain has been programmed for 10 years to run the way it was on Klonopin. Now that programming is being erased but unlike a computer the brain can not shut down and reboot so it is done in phases.

 

That hypothesis would explain why they have had some luck with completely resetting GABA using benzodiazepine antagonists because it essentially reboots the brain by inducing a seizure which gives the drug time to reset the receptors. Highly experimental and extremely dangerous but they are making headway in understanding benzos now.

 

Time is all that we can rely on at the moment.

 

Angel - If you are already on those medications I would not advise quitting them. Tegretol is a mood stabilizer and Remeron is a tetracyclic antidepressant so I imagine that you, like most of us I'm sure, have mood issues. Going off of your meds would not be advisable.

Thanks I appreciate ur feedback,I am in the most severe wave right now,and I am to dizzy to walk or do anything,I took klonopin for 16 years,and came off to fast becouse my docter made me come off beyond my will,I should be 4 years off this october,but I relapsed during my wd and took benzos and lunesta,so now I think I am only 2 years off,becouse I last used lunesta 2 years agon in 2010,so is that right?  Why am I suffering so much without any windows in a long time? I can,t stand being in my own skin! Help. Angel

When you relapsed you probably triggered your brain to switch back to old habits unfortunately. If you were on benzos for 16 years, stopped using them for 2, and then relapsed and stopped again, your brain most likely still had a memory of how "well" it functioned when the benzos were there and when you re-introduced the benzos and lunesta it might have decided that "hey, they're back, no sense running things this way anymore!"

 

The brain has a memory when it comes to the reward systems. Unfortunately benzos and Z drugs seem to be similar to meth in that if they are re-introduced after a hiatus, the brain immediately goes back to bad habits.

I NEVER functioned well on benzos. At first the klonopin helped some but I started having so many adverse reactions with anxiety and the ativan/lorazepam has done nothing but harm. I've never felt well and it ticks me off! All this for migraines my A**!

I NEVER functioned well on benzos. At first the klonopin helped some but I started having so many adverse reactions with anxiety and the ativan/lorazepam has done nothing but harm. I've never felt well and it ticks me off! All this for migraines my A**!

 

There was a reason I put well in quotes

 

Xanax had terrible rebound anxiety and actually took my panic attacks to a whole other level, Klonopin stopped working and made me severely depressed with lots of psychotic breaks from the serotonin interference, and Valium knocks me on my ass and I can't do anything. Ativan never did anything for me. It might as well have been a sugar pill. The only time it worked was in IV form at the ER.

Omg I was really awful at 11 months off,omg.I hope u get a window really soon! U deserve it! Angel

HAHA>>> I didn't notice the "quotes". WOOPS it's the benzos fault! 

i just saw this post - i am just 11 months off now too and still having tough days.  had a big slam this week and felt the way you write andy - it feels unbearable.  it is a slam.  it is what the term benzo hell comes from.  when i am in it - it's nuts;  my mind tells me i can't go on like that- but then i do - and have for what seems like forever now. 

hearing others at this time helps me.

i have remerson - i take like a crumb - just the tiniest crumb and i can get right to sleep - in emergencies - get up at 5;30 to go teach high school.  only God's grace - and you guys - got me thru the year.

hope andy writes us soon

xoxo

Hi Pam  , i just started 11 month , and can say  9 and 10 was better .  But believe will get better  for all if us . Erika