Brain and Body Can Only Take So Much - I Can't Cope Much Longer - Please Help

Hi guys. I've had it rough for so long and it's not getting and better. If you've read my messages previously, you know I've tried to stabilize and it hasn't happened. I've had no choice bit to continuey taper throughout all the suffering. My brain is a mess. I can hardly ever think straight. Everything is so unreal and hard to take in. I have very bad d/p, d/r, brain fog and memory problems. My brain feels very uncomfortable like it's going to implode and gets worse when I try to think too much. Just writing this is difficult, bit sitting doing drives me crazy and is difficult too.

 

I can't be alone because it less distraction and makes mandrel worse, but even when I'm around people I still feel alone. There is nothing that helps alleviate any of this. I am constantly suffering. I can't differentiate one day from another anymore and the last few months have just felt like an endless nightmare. I don't even know what normal feels like anymore and how I'll ever escape this terrible nightmare. It doesn't even seem like a possibility anymore. I'm just waking up in misery every morning and it stays like that all day. Nothing feels good, nothing makes sense, nothing is normal. I'm broken.  Even the better days which I may have one every couple weeks are awful in comparison to a normal life.

 

My body is so weak also. I so tired and fatigued all the time. I have no energy but force myself to walk a little each day so I get some exercise. It's usually only 15 minutes but it's all I can take before my nervous system gets all revved up and I start feeling tons worse.  I've been having a lot of burning skin and pains in my spine. It's hurts a lot but nothing compared to the horrible lower back pain that started on Monday and hasn't stopped. The worst of it is in area above my tailbone (sciatic nerve) and just above that. It hurts to sit, lay down, walk. I've tried stretching and heating pads which only temporarily help I'm scared it could be something seriously wrong and get worse throughout my taper to where I'll have constant physical pain no matter what I do. My whole body feels so bad, I've never been able to get comfortable and this is just the worst thing that could be added to this already horrific situation.

 

I don't ringing ears but they do constantly feel like they need to pop. I also have a weird feeling inch jaw and teeth. Probably connected to my ears. These are mostly just annoying and I'm afraid they'll get worse too. My vision is pretty bad sometimes. It feels like a strain to keep my eyes open when it's bad and I have very blurry vision. Don't know now much the d/r plays a part but it's all strange. Sometimes I can't take it everything I see. I can just stare at one object and my mind just wanders and worries.

 

Nothing seems real anymore and I don't know how to keep accepting this until I get better. It's not living, it's torture and suffering. I hate it. I'm so tired of it. It seems like a big sick joke. I don't feel like a real person anymore. I basically feel like I'm already dead but still waking up and falling asleep each night. I've never once woken and felt rested. It's almost like the sleep just make me worse in the morning but at least it's a temporary escape. But when I do wake I immediately remember the hell I'm in a want to cry and scream. I honeslt can't take it anymore. I say this every day. I'm doing it but I can't cope.

 

I really don't know how to keep going. I don't want to die, I want to get better. I don't want to keep doing this though. I can't believe this could happen go anyone and I can't believe it's happening to me. I feel like I must have done something evil to be forced to deal with this. I thought I was a nice, good, kind, loving person, and don't know why I am having to suffer so badly. Especially a suffering that feels like it will never end. I lose more hope each day. I can't work and I'm afraid I'm eventually going to lose my job. Who knows what I'll lose after that. I've already lost so much time and money and health. I don't want to lose anything else. I guess I'm a weak person because I'm constant fear, crying, and unable to deal with this. I want help. I need to be able to be relaxed and comfortable and feel happy about today and the future. I just want to scream and break things. I pray every night for strength and for this to go away; not just for me but for all of you.

 

I think this whole process is breaking me. Besides the brain damage, I feel like I'm losing my mind and every good, fun, loving thing about me. I'm just an angry, broken, and suffering body. How can I keep this up for much longer when it's this bad every day? I'm sorry to go on and on. I don't know what else to do. You guys are the only ones who understand. I feel like a severe case as I have no life at all. I don't know what I'm asking from you guys. This isn't even my first post like this. I just want someone to listen to me and tell me it's gonna be okay. I don't want to be scared or in pain any longer. Each time I feel like I've had a better day and might be able to stick this out it comes back even harder and makes me feel like I'm even more broken and uncapable of handling this. I need to know I'm going be myself and happy again. That I'm going to grt through this and it's gonna be okay. I need to know I'll have my life back. I'm so tired of worrying and questioning. I'm sorry to cry out to you guys like this. I'm scared and suffering and need help.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hi coop,

 

I can certainly sympathize with what you're going through.  I have had some of the symptoms you have had and it has been rough.  I have tapered too quickly before and had to do a dosage correction.  I think it depends on how bad you feel you are and how long you have been holding.  I had tinnitus for a good while, but it seems to have finally left (along with the stomach cramps and anxiety).  I still have a long way to go before coming off of Klonopin, but at least I am finally beginning to stabilize.

 

Also, I don't think you are a weak person at all.  Quite the contrary, I think you are very strong for pushing through this.  No one knows how bad benzo w/d can be unless they've been there.  I've tried to explain it to family members, but they just don't seem to grasp it.

 

At any rate, we are here for you regardless of your decision to do a dosage correction or not.  Most people try to ride it out, but if you absolutely can't take it and have to updose, don't feel like a failure.  I have had to do that before as well.

 

Nonetheless, I wish you well and hope your symptoms begin to subside soon.  By the way, are you working with a doctor on your taper?  Just curious.

 

Wishing you well ...

 

fg

I am so saddened to read of your suffering. I posted something on the spiritual board about this, may be a good read. Do not abandon God. Immerse yourself in God and abandon other things. You are walking a long road and you are weary, but if you carry on, you will come to its end and there will be peace. I pray that your strength to continue fighting will soon be rewarded. I know what you think about God and punishment. I feel that often, that the horrible family losses I had in 2010 were my fault. However, God is forgiving even of sinners such as myself and he has molded me into something better than I was before, even though I suffer. I leave it to him to make sense of all that tradgedy in 2010, it is not more me to do it. Hugs to you.

Maybe you need to updose and start a slower taper? I don't know. You shouldn't have to be in this much pain all the time--a taper shouldn't be so bad. I can tell by the tone of your posts you're feeling bad. I don't know, dude. I know how you feel and I wish I could do something to help you, but literally the only immediate thing I can think of would be to updose and slow down. Of course that supposedly comes with its own set of problems but it seems like it would be a better alternative to what you're going through right now.

I'm seeing doctors who know the rate I'm tapering, but haven't found anyone who understands benzo withdrawal. They seem to think I should be able to come off this much quicker and what I'm feeling are underlying anxiety issues. Updosing wouldn't help for me, I've never been able to stabalize since I tried to stop taking it after only 3-4 weeks of use. I became dependent that quick. I have to get off this stuff to feel better. Updosing isn't an option for me. My nervous system would just need more and more and I'd never be able to get off of it.

 

Sorry my typing is so screwed up in my original post. I wrote all that on my cell and the predictive text or no editing doesn't help.

I tend to agree with Trig.  I went through similar suffering where my stomach cramps were so bad that I felt like I was dying while I slept.  I finally couldn't take it and updosed.  I immediately felt better.  I have found that coming off of benzos is a marathon and not a sprint.  For me, at least, the slower the better.

 

Sincerely,

 

fg

Listen to fishing guy.  You are on .625 mg of klonopin and were originally at 2 mg. So you have already taken a huge cut. When you are feeling all these w/d sx it is your brain reacting to the excessive glutamate firing and not enough GABA. Your body has an amazing ability to heal itsf and you will heal but it takes a long time. You are at about 25 percent of your original dose which is a huge cut. Imagine what your poor brain is going through. Your CNS is going haywire! have you considered updosing back to 1 mg?  I know we all want off but since you are suffering so much maybe it will help you stabilize and then do a very very slow taper. At 1 mg you would still be at half your original dose. This is just an idea. I feel so badly for you and my heart goes out to you.  Many many hugs!!  Tina

I started .625 at thanksgiving and held for almost a month. No relief. I've never been able to stabalize. I'm at .35 now through a milk titration. I should probably update my signature. Can't go backwards, even of it did temporarily help which I don't think it would because it didn't when I was taking 1mg, I'd be setting myself up for never getting back to where I am now.

Hi coop,

First off, you absolutely will get better. This is not a permanent situation, no matter what it feels like right now. I know it's hard for you to believe, but I had so much of what you describe. The suffering is indescribable. You can't even put it into words. BUT, it gets better. I am completely healed. It took getting off of the drugs, but the human body has an amazing ability to heal itself. Everything you're dealing with is reversible. I have a gut feeling that you're having a paradoxical reaction to the drugs. That's what happened to me. If this is the case, you won't get better until you're off the drugs, you won't stabilize, and you'll be in hell. BUT, once off the drugs, I actually think you heal quicker than most people here. If you're having a bad reaction to the drugs themselves, and it's not just withdrawal, as the drugs leave your body you will get better. Off course you'll still deal with withdrawal, but you will see improvement, dramatic improvement. I'm not saying you should cold turkey at all, but just be hopeful that once you're off the drugs things won't be unnecessarily prolonged. You can do this. You're definitely not a weak person. I was in the ER about 15 times, and admitted to the hospital on five different occasions while they tried to figure out what was wrong with me. I can't tell you how much I cried when I went through this. I understand what it feels like to think you're broken. You're not. The body heals. Keep taking your walks.

 

How many days do you have left of your taper?

Thanks, Recovered.

 

At the rate I've been going, and as long as I don't have much more pain by going too fast, I expect to be done in about a month and a half, maybe two. I wish I could go faster, especially if it paradoxical but I don't want all these horrible symptoms to get worse. I'm doing a milk suspension of 100ml and I'm down to about .35 mg klonopin in about 54ml. Was taking out about 1.5 each day. Had to hold a couple times and just taking out 1ml each day now. I also have a feeling I won't start feeling better until I'm off this stuff. If it's not paradoxical I've also read sometimes after a cold turkey or fast taper you can't ever stabalize until you're off the benzo because it was such a shock to your system. Thank you for your kind words.

It may be that some are able to get off benzos rather quickly without ill effect, but if you are not one of those (and why take the chance), I would never advise anyone get off these pills in any manner other than very slowly. Just looking at the horror stories on this board lends to an understanding that quiting cold turkey or moving rapidly on a taper is a bad idea. I am with fishguy and say the slower the better, as long as you are making progress. The body needs time to heal and that allows it to do it with less disruption of life. If I had made the mistake of tapering too quickly, I would have absolutely no problem with updosing and starting a slow taper. Someone's signature has "slow and steady wins the race" in it, and I believe that 100% for these drugs.

I was told I couldn't be dependent by after a month and thought I could quit, even sort of tapered for about a week. Quit and thought I was gonna die, so reinstated. Psychiatrist said you can taper 1/8 mg every 5 days. I tried that and was having bad symptoms but getting through. Then it all caught up to me bad. That's when I started doing my own research and realized you cant stop or go that fast. Found the Ashton method and have benzobuddies and have been doing this without any doctors help. I've been going slow ever since. I considered updosing but Ashton method said to hold for up to four weeks to try and stabalize. It got a little better but still bad. I'm sure I read somewhere to try and avoid going backwards, as sometimes it doesn't help. For someone that became dependent as quickly as me, I doubt it would help. Also I may never stabalize and could be making things a lot worse off. That fast taper was months ago and I've read to many stories of people who updosed or reinstated and regretted it because it was even harder going through it again even with a slower taper. I wish my doctors and I would have been more knowledgable in the beginning. Now I feel like I'm stuck with the cards I've been dealt.

Coop,

 

Your such a strong person and you will get through this. Just reading your posts makes me realize the courage that you have to continue on in your taper. Please have faith and know that your going to make it. So many people have walked the same path and make it. You will too. Your a strong man.

 

I think your right about updoseing, its not likely to help you at this point. You just need to taper off like your instincts tell you.

 

My heart is with you,

 

Sophie

 

 

Thank you, Sophie. I can't help but feel scared and beaten, but I will keep finding the courage to push on. Even when my brain won't let me believe it, I've got to find ways to make sure I know it will all go away. Sometimes I need you guys to remind me and tell me not to listen to the benzo brain.

hi coop i know how you feel i was on 0.5 twice a day for 1 year and taper for 1 month the first 3 months were hell!!! the 4th month was bearable by my 6 month benzo free my withdrawls are very mild you will heal like i did i been down that road and back now im almost well about 90 persent

It's no better today, probably worse. Why is it always so bad? How am I supposed to believe I'm going to get better when I don't even know how to make it thru each day anymore? I'm losing it and I'm destroying everything around me. I can't be calm. I just make everyone around me worry because I'm freaked out and scared. Everyone is so stressed and frustrated. They don't get a break, but I REALLY don't get a break. I haven't felt calm, relaxed, or even close to normal for months. I can't accept this process and deal with it well. How do I keep pushing thru each day when I feel like I'm dying more and more each day? My wife keep me that I can't control the mental and physical pain or my emotions, but I can control the way I react to not let everything feed each other, but I can't. I've lost that ability. What do I do?

Maybe you need to updose and start a slower taper? I don't know. You shouldn't have to be in this much pain all the time--a taper shouldn't be so bad. I can tell by the tone of your posts you're feeling bad. I don't know, dude. I know how you feel and I wish I could do something to help you, but literally the only immediate thing I can think of would be to updose and slow down. Of course that supposedly comes with its own set of problems but it seems like it would be a better alternative to what you're going through right now.

 

 

I disagree, respectfully, with this post. I tapered from 1 to .3. I was bedridden. Sick, DP/DR, terror, shakes, you name it. My doc insisted I go back up and get "stable." I went back up to .9. I could get out of bed but I was not "stable." I got back down some and was worse!! So I went cold turkey. Dont lose the ground you have fought so valiantly for. Not unless your life depends on it.

 

Some people have a hard time. My taper was torture. I have no idea why. It just happens. It is a myth that you can taper slowly and control your sx. Not all of us can.

 

All I can suggest is for you to keep distracting. Keep people around you. Do your best to reach down and deep and hold onto your core health that you KNOW is under this mess. Pray. Meditate. Post here as often as you need to. This is going to pass. You are not broken forever. Even the hardcore cases like Dr. Reg Peart healed in time. You will too. It is a grueling journey, but one day, you will be a member of a very powerful club, benzo withdrawal survivors!! We make Navy Seals look like girl scout!

 

 

Maybe you need to updose and start a slower taper? I don't know. You shouldn't have to be in this much pain all the time--a taper shouldn't be so bad. I can tell by the tone of your posts you're feeling bad. I don't know, dude. I know how you feel and I wish I could do something to help you, but literally the only immediate thing I can think of would be to updose and slow down. Of course that supposedly comes with its own set of problems but it seems like it would be a better alternative to what you're going through right now.

 

 

I disagree, respectfully, with this post. I tapered from 1 to .3. I was bedridden. Sick, DP/DR, terror, shakes, you name it. My doc insisted I go back up and get "stable." I went back up to .9. I could get out of bed but I was not "stable." I got back down some and was worse!! So I went cold turkey. Dont lose the ground you have fought so valiantly for. Not unless your life depends on it.

 

Some people have a hard time. My taper was torture. I have no idea why. It just happens. It is a myth that you can taper slowly and control your sx. Not all of us can.

 

All I can suggest is for you to keep distracting. Keep people around you. Do your best to reach down and deep and hold onto your core health that you KNOW is under this mess. Pray. Meditate. Post here as often as you need to. This is going to pass. You are not broken forever. Even the hardcore cases like Dr. Reg Peart healed in time. You will too. It is a grueling journey, but one day, you will be a member of a very powerful club, benzo withdrawal survivors!! We make Navy Seals look like girl scout!

 

 

I absolutely, positively agree with everything that RFB has said, particularly the portion that I emphasized above. 

 

Had I bought into the misrepresentation that every single person can have a smooth taper by simply listening to their bodies and adjusting their taper accordingly, I would have thought that I was doing something wrong and quite possibly reinstated.  Ashton makes the point that reinstatement is a difficult choice to make and may not be as one hoped for.

 

~~~

Dearest Coop,  I know its very, very tough.  You and I are simply in no man's land - we know all too well that updosing provides no relief and yet we sometimes don't know how we can hang on one minute longer.  Sometimes my only faith in a better tomorrow comes from taking the focus off of me and sharing a little bit of myself with another fellow traveler.  Dig deep - it's within you.  Much love, KL

 

 

 

 

Klonkers

one of the best ways to distract is to turn towards others to help them. It sure takes me out of my misery for a little bit.

Let us know when you cut the cord. I am here cheering for you!  As the angel Zoe says, "You have this!"

 

Coop, lifting you up in prayer my friend. Hang on. Life will be better one day.

Did you read cupcakes post about her friend Paul? If he can heal, we all can.

 

Thank you Recovering and Klonkers,

 

I wish I didn't have to break down so hard to you guys, but I have to get it out and say how I feel. I don't mean to scare anyone. I just want people to understand how bad I am and let me know they've experienced it too and it gets better and will all go away. It's just amazing that I'm suffering so bad and there's nothing to make it easier, not even updosing. I can't believe this is happening and it's too hard to not be on edge and panicked all the time. Talking to you guys doesn't take the pain away, but it's a small distraction and I'll take every bit of hope and reassurance I can get. It's like oxygen to me now. I need it to survive.

 

I'll try and find cupcakes post. Thanks.

Dear coop,

 

I am glad that you feel heard and that your experience is being validated.  Knowing that I have so many buddies standing behind me gives me great comfort and helps me find confidence in my abilities to cope when I feel lost and overwhelmed. 

 

We are all standing behind you and beside you.  All the reassurance and hope that you need is yours for the asking.

 

I know you don't see it at this moment, but I see incremental positive changes in your coping taking place on a daily basis.  In the meantime, keep up with the distraction because it works when you work it!  Many hugs, KL

 

Thank you Recovering and Klonkers,

 

I wish I didn't have to break down so hard to you guys, but I have to get it out and say how I feel. I don't mean to scare anyone. I just want people to understand how bad I am and let me know they've experienced it too and it gets better and will all go away. It's just amazing that I'm suffering so bad and there's nothing to make it easier, not even updosing. I can't believe this is happening and it's too hard to not be on edge and panicked all the time. Talking to you guys doesn't take the pain away, but it's a small distraction and I'll take every bit of hope and reassurance I can get. It's like oxygen to me now. I need it to survive.

 

I'll try and find cupcakes post. Thanks.

 

Coop

I had/having a hard wd. I don't give all the gory details as I know it will scare others. I didnt think I would survive and there are moments in the days when I feel like I am going insane from my thoughts, feelings. I worry i will never be normal again. But I have to quiet that worry. I know it is just my "WD voice" and not the real me. Dont worry about venting here. Its ok. that is what we are here for, to carry each other when one of us "falls down." Like Marines, we wont leave a man behind. We are not going to leave you behind. Let us carry you when you are too tired to go on. Trust in us to help you. I know you don't know who we really are, but you can sense our hearts here through what we write. You are loved here. We all are.  It will be all right. One day. You will heal and forget these scary days.  All is not lost. In fact, this is the time when you are finding out who you really are. Deep down. Meet your real self! Isnt he awesome!! Scared, but wow, so very strong!! Believe in your strength to keep going. We've got your back.

 

 

Coop

I had/having a hard wd. I don't give all the gory details as I know it will scare others. I didnt think I would survive and there are moments in the days when I feel like I am going insane from my thoughts, feelings. I worry i will never be normal again. But I have to quiet that worry. I know it is just my "WD voice" and not the real me. Dont worry about venting here. Its ok. that is what we are here for, to carry each other when one of us "falls down." Like Marines, we wont leave a man behind. We are not going to leave you behind. Let us carry you when you are too tired to go on. Trust in us to help you. I know you don't know who we really are, but you can sense our hearts here through what we write. You are loved here. We all are.  It will be all right. One day. You will heal and forget these scary days.  All is not lost. In fact, this is the time when you are finding out who you really are. Deep down. Meet your real self! Isnt he awesome!! Scared, but wow, so very strong!! Believe in your strength to keep going. We've got your back.

 

Thank you so much. I can sense all your hearts and it means the world to me.

Coop,

 

I don't normally respond to posts and just read.  I have been a member here since 2007.  You can go back and read some of my very first posts here to get an idea of the shape I was in.  It was very, very bad.  I was like you in that I got no relief on the benzos and I tapered a long time in complete hell.  I waited after I got off to feel better but I couldn't hang in there because the symptoms were so bad.  I was told I needed to go back on the benzos to settle my brain and body down and start over.  I couldn't do that.  I was too petrified of having to go through it all again.  For me, I had to do something when I got off because my body was a wreck and I was just way too sick.  If you read any of my old posts you will know.  I only tell you this so you know you are not and were not alone in your level of suffering.  I am so so sorry you are suffering the way you are now.  What I decided to do was take an anticonvulsant.  I don't recommend this to anyone and my story is not your story but there are similarities.  When I took that and a beta blocker my symptoms were still there but slowly my brain started to calm down and be able to think again.  The buzzing inside my head went away as did the DP/DR.  I do think I had way too much Glutamate.  Try to stay away from ever taking benzos again.  You seem highly sensitive to them (as was I)....I only took them for a month and was so highly addicted to them.  There are other options besides benzos if things get too bad and you just can't take it anymore.  Best wishes to you. 

coop,

 

I hope today is a better day for you.

 

Wishing you well ...

 

fg