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My benzo story started with a panic attack, I was a very active person with a busy social life who loved socialising, i had stopped drinking but it never stopped me having fun. Then out of the blue these panics started i thought i was about to die . I went to my GP and was given 60 diazepam 2mg pills she said take one twice a day That was 26 years ago and the same doctor had also seen my battle with booze.

 

I had no idea they were addictive. We didn't have a computer at that time, we just trusted our GPs. Anyhow i started taking the diazepam I took one pill a day to start with. Got on with life panic attacks stopped I was taking a 2mg pill per day. Over the years I did have bouts of depression and other complaints.Things I couldn't quite put my finger on I know now it was the diazepam 

 

About 7 years ago the panic attacks started again but far worse than before, awful anxiety, I could not function, the GP increased my dose and it went up and up till it got to 20 mgs I started getting very depressed, crying all day, the GP added a/ds to the mix I was a complete mess and I lost the will to live.  :'( I became housebound I could not wash myself or dress myself. I was so sick  my husband had to take care of me.  I was scared of the phone i used to get electric shocks when the phone rang or the doorbell and I could not open my front door.(agoraphobia) I was in fear of everything,  i had muscle pains and severe stomach problems, along with every symptom in the book some were extremely scary.I had tests done,  endoscopies xrays, bloods all came back negative.

 

On my next visit  to see the doctor  I asked her if the medication could be the problem My GP laughed, kept telling me it was all in my head, I was too weak to argue. What was worse for me was when my family and friends told me to pull myself together, that's when I convinced myself it was in my head.  I dragged myself onto the computer one day and did a search on diazepam(Valium). How I managed it I do not know I was so ill, and wanted to die. I learned that  Valium belonged to a group called benzodiazepines, i eventually came across a forum called Benzoisland and could not believe how my story was common knowledge.  People like me with the same complaints, it was so sad but at the same time it was also a huge RELIEF to me to learn I wasn't going mad, it wasn't all in my head. They told me on the forum it gets better. I didn't believe them but I did what they suggested me to do.

 

I did my taper there before it closed  I did 10%  cuts until I got to 6Mg's I then did 5% cuts, it was hard cutting the pills, I ended up with powder most of the time.  Anyhow I managed it it was hell, but oh so worth it. and here I am  20 mths free 99% healed.  I noticed huge improvements after the first year (we are all different)  I have seen some recover sooner and some later but what is for certain WE ALL DO RECOVER. I NEVER thought I would make it, we all make it in the end its just time.  My only regret is that i didn't get off the benzos sooner, i have lost 5 years of my life. I am trying to make up for it know, i am out most of the time. I was also pretty cheap for a while but today it is costing my poor dear loyal husband :laugh::thumbsup:

 

I  joined Trap after BI closed, that got me through this last 6 months. I made some amazing friendships and got to know some of the bravest people I have ever met. Now I have been welcomed at Benzobuddies. And meeting more brave people

 

Thank you all you amazing mods, admins, volunteers and technicians for giving us these life saving forums.

 

Love

Margarita xx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edit: Personal info

 

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Hi Margarita,

 

Welcome to your blog. I'm glad you started one. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your first post. I didn't know your back story at all. This is another good thing about starting over; we are getting to know one another better.  :thumbsup:

 

Every story I read could almost be my story and everyone's story. I'm continually amazed that people continue to suffer and lose chunks of their lives to this accidental Leo Sternbach "mistake".

 

I didn't know you struggled with alcohol. I guess I remember one oblique reference a while back. I'm wondering if your anxiety stemmed from quitting drinking. I think a lot of mine did.

 

You are a brave soul, my friend. How does it feel to be 99% recovered. I already know the answer, of course. It feels wonderful! It is marred with misgivings and regrets (me too), and appreciation for and apology to your steadfast husband (me too).

 

We could write a benzo book and it would be everyone's story. And the story of many to come. It is all just so sad and so unnessesary. Think how much money is being spent everybday, either private individuals or public health services, chasing mystery illnesses that don't exist!

 

I'm so happy you found your way to BI for your slow taper. You did it correctly. I'm sure it has impacted your successful recovery. And I'm glad you were at the TRAP because we all benefitted from your kind heart, you wisdom and your humour. Now we are here and our journeys continue. Im to the stage I think I can be supportive to others in some small way. You already are.

 

I'm so glad to know you!

Love

Flip

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This is so, so so encouraging Margarita. Thankyou so much. I am truly glad that you are enjoying life!! Ruralie (Horty)

 

Thank you dear Horty, you will too, when are you going to start tapering the mirtz?

love

Margarita :-*

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Thank you for sharing your story.  I wish you a WONDERFUL benzo free life ahead--you made it!!!!  :yippee:

 

Hi Tina :hug:

Thanks for reading, nice to meet you....i hope your doing ok

 

love

Margarita :-*

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Congratulations, margrita.  Thank you for posting your success story as it is so important for others to know that healing does occur.  Now it is time to enjoy life.

 

Patty  xo

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Margrita,

Thanks for the story I need this today.  I hope one day to write a success story but the way I'm feeling it won't be for quite sometime.

Hugs

Kristin

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Congratulations, margrita.  Thank you for posting your success story as it is so important for others to know that healing does occur.  Now it is time to enjoy life.

 

Patty  xo

 

Thank you Patty :hug: its nice to meet you

 

Margarita x 

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Margrita,

Thanks for the story I need this today.  I hope one day to write a success story but the way I'm feeling it won't be for quite sometime.

Hugs

Kristin

 

Hey Kristin :hug:

 

I look forward to reading your success story in the near future, hang in there, what your feeling now is not permanent...it will pass....and it will get better in time.

 

love

Margarita xx

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Hi Margarita,

 

Thought I'd drop by and say I'm glad you have your own place here.

 

Thank you for writing your story.. It touches my heart very much.. It is so good to hear of your recovery, well done!

 

Love and hugs,

Rachel xxxx

 

You'd have got that kipper of yours  out this morning on Laura's thread.  Flip and I were having a rant about who invited Laura over first :laugh: Nearly a brawl except I escaped had to go out to get my car washed :laugh: xxxxx

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You'd have got that kipper of yours  out this morning on Laura's thread.  Flip and I were having a rant about who invited Laura over first Nearly a brawl except I escaped had to go out to get my car washed xxxxx

 

lol  Love it Betsy  :laugh:

 

 

 

Edit: removed personal information

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Thank you dear Horty, you will too, when are you going to start tapering the mirtz?

love

Margarita :-*

 

Hi Margarita,

I am working on tapering DHEA right now and then I will start on mirtazapine....very, very slowly!

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[quote author=ruralie

Hi Margarita,

I am working on tapering DHEA right now and then I will start on mirtazapine....very, very slowly!

 

Hi Horty :hug:

 

Thats great my friend one at a time, and yes the mirtz i did very very slow!!!!

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My dear friend Margarita!!! Funny I was thinking of you yesterday, and get on here and here you are  :yippee:

 

You were one of the sweetest ladies I had the pleasure of being in contact with and encouraging me in the early days of finding out what was wrong with me on TRAP.

 

I am so glad you are posting here. I loved your poem, made tears stream down my face. It hit me in the heart as if I wrote it myself.

Thank you for being so thoughtful to write me by email when I could no longer get on TRAP. It made me feel like someone truly cared.  :smitten:

Love,

S

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  • 1 year later...

Hi Margo,

better 2 years late than never. just found your amazing story about your  experience today , so glad you have got your health back and thanks, i needed it today. :smitten:

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Hi Magrita,

 

I remember you from the TRAP but I didn't realize then how far you were along.  Now I see why you seemed so well and more stable to me.  You were along in your healing where I was just starting out with my c/t.  I was just 4 1/2 months out when the TRAP closed and we all came here to BB. 

 

Thank you Magrita for all your support you give and have always given even before becoming an administrator on BB.  You are a light - have always been even to me.  I know at one time you weren't but I haven't seen that side of you - healing is all that I have seen coming from your posts. I read your poems again, I remember them from the TRAP.  I had run them off and took them to my counselor at the time.  They spoke differently than a regular post did.  I still love Tess.  My dog that is 11 and had been an outdoor dog - living with another dog we had but lost this pass year, so Pal has become an indoor dog and my companion.  The difference in relationship between indoor dog and outdoor is big.  I have never experienced an indoor dog before.  Reading Tess today had a different light from having Pal in with me all the time. I'm thankful to have this relationship now in my life.

 

You give me encouragement Magrita that healing will happen for me, it is getting closer - many sxs have gone away - the others will eventually.

 

May healing happen for all of us,

Sally  :angel:

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My dear friend Margarita!!! Funny I was thinking of you yesterday, and get on here and here you are  :yippee:

 

You were one of the sweetest ladies I had the pleasure of being in contact with and encouraging me in the early days of finding out what was wrong with me on TRAP.

 

I am so glad you are posting here. I loved your poem, made tears stream down my face. It hit me in the heart as if I wrote it myself.

Thank you for being so thoughtful to write me by email when I could no longer get on TRAP. It made me feel like someone truly cared.  :smitten:

Love,

S

 

S :hug: sorry hun I didn't see this post, thank you for your words of kindness. I remember you moved home and had problems logging into Trap! I think its a bit late to reply here, anyway I am so glad you got something from my poems. I know you were doing ok we have pmed since this post lol

 

Hi Margo,

better 2 years late than never. just found your amazing story about your  experience today , so glad you have got your health back and thanks, i needed it today. :smitten:

 

Oh Claudia, you must have dug deep for this  :laugh: 2 years Yikes!!! were has the time gone. Keep hanging in Claudia, it will all come good in the end.

 

I found it was extremely tough for me between 12 to 15 months out...so long away from my last benzo...I expected to be well but I wasn't...A lot of symptoms had improved and some had gone at 12 months out....But they returned soon after, not as severe and I was so grateful and willing to except that, because I had been so ill, coming from being bedridden...at least I was on my feet and could wash my own face, I thanked god for that! I remember saying if it doesn't get any better I will settle for what I had.

 

Around 18 months out was the big turning point for me, That's when I washed the car...in my drive, I was a little nervous at first, It started to rain but I was not put off....I was out and I was bloomin staying out  :laugh:, I wasn't going to be put off by no downpour of rain....I looked like a drowned rat, my hubby said I was crazy!!  Neighbours curtains were moving...slats in the blinds being lifted.....I had to stop myself from giving them all a sign!! lol  I didn't care a jot that day it was magic. The agoraphobia had lifted and I wanted to go out by myself!!! not in the car just yet!!

 

It was an amazing feeling, I took baby steps to the gate first...then end of the road...within a week or so I was up the road and in a shop, it was strange opening my purse to pay for the stuff, I think it was a magazine I bought!! It seemed all so new to me...I had butterflies in my stomach with excitement...I was no longer dependant. I cried coming home :'( not with sadness.... happiness.... if that makes sense lol

 

Try not to get scared if you think you have healed, and then suddenly your back in it again!! that's how it works sometimes. I noticed each time symptoms returned...they were not as bad as before, they were less in intense. I also remember torturing myself with the notion that I was going to be one of the minority that would not get better. I would tell myself, that no one could feel this sick and survive it especially someone like me "24 years on benzos":sick:

 

Then around about 17/18 months symptoms started to disappear one by one and never returned. I do have stomach issues, I have a very sensitive stomach and had this before benzos, I was diagnosed with IBS, it is not as bad today, it was horrendous in withdrawal!!

 

Keep moving forward, stop awhile if you need to...try not to go backwards...why cover old ground. I know its hard but you can do it, believe me you can without a doubt!!! Keep reminding yourself what you are going through is "temporary" it will pass and it does eventually all go away, "It will get better"

 

Love and light to you all

 

 

Magrita aka Margo aka Mags :smitten:

 

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    Good deal. It sure is hard, all of it.  I liked (not) the beer to much at times. One down...

        nikki

 

Hi Nikki, It is hard...extremely hard...but so worth it!  You seem to be doing ok, how are things? 

 

Magrita  :smitten:

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Hi Magrita,

 

I remember you from the TRAP but I didn't realize then how far you were along.  Now I see why you seemed so well and more stable to me.  You were along in your healing where I was just starting out with my c/t.  I was just 4 1/2 months out when the TRAP closed and we all came here to BB. 

 

Thank you Magrita for all your support you give and have always given even before becoming an administrator on BB.  You are a light - have always been even to me.  I know at one time you weren't but I haven't seen that side of you - healing is all that I have seen coming from your posts. I read your poems again, I remember them from the TRAP.  I had run them off and took them to my counselor at the time.  They spoke differently than a regular post did.  I still love Tess.  My dog that is 11 and had been an outdoor dog - living with another dog we had but lost this pass year, so Pal has become an indoor dog and my companion.  The difference in relationship between indoor dog and outdoor is big.  I have never experienced an indoor dog before.  Reading Tess today had a different light from having Pal in with me all the time. I'm thankful to have this relationship now in my life.

 

You give me encouragement Magrita that healing will happen for me, it is getting closer - many sxs have gone away - the others will eventually.

 

May healing happen for all of us,

Sally  :angel:

 

Hi Sally :hug:

 

Thank you for your wonderful words of kindness, I do remember you from Trap, I was way ahead in my withdrawal when I arrived at Trap!!  I did my taper on the Benzoisland forum 2008, when it closed I joined TRAP.  When trap closed we all piled over here to Colin lol. 

 

Being on the team now, I can see just what Hope did for us the day we arrived, she was on her own,  I would have been in a state of panic http://i110.photobucket.com/albums/n94/elmondohummus/smiley-scared002.gif she was superwoman that day she did a wonderful job!!

 

Stay positive, Sal your doing great at the moment, it is up and down sometimes but it will continue to get better and you will eventually heal and claim back your life. I am pleased you liked the the “Tess poem” lol, she helped me get through a lot of suffering.

 

Its so awesome to hear about Pal being your companion, I don’t know were I would be without Tess.  I am glad I have been able to help you, that’s how I got better with support from some wonderful members and  I will always be indebted to the members who stayed around after recovery to pay it forward.

 

((hugs))

 

Magrita :smitten:

 

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