Jump to content

My Journey


[ma...]

Recommended Posts

My dear friend Margarita!!! Funny I was thinking of you yesterday, and get on here and here you are  :yippee:

 

You were one of the sweetest ladies I had the pleasure of being in contact with and encouraging me in the early days of finding out what was wrong with me on TRAP.

 

I am so glad you are posting here. I loved your poem, made tears stream down my face. It hit me in the heart as if I wrote it myself.

Thank you for being so thoughtful to write me by email when I could no longer get on TRAP. It made me feel like someone truly cared.  :smitten:

Love,

S

 

S :hug: sorry hun I didn't see this post, thank you for your words of kindness. I remember you moved home and had problems logging into Trap! I think its a bit late to reply here, anyway I am so glad you got something from my poems. I know you were doing ok we have pmed since this post lol

 

Hi Margo,

better 2 years late than never. just found your amazing story about your  experience today , so glad you have got your health back and thanks, i needed it today. :smitten:

 

Oh Claudia, you must have dug deep for this  :laugh: 2 years Yikes!!! were has the time gone. Keep hanging in Claudia, it will all come good in the end.

 

I found it was extremely tough for me between 12 to 15 months out...so long away from my last benzo...I expected to be well but I wasn't...A lot of symptoms had improved and some had gone at 12 months out....But they returned soon after, not as severe and I was so grateful and willing to except that, because I had been so ill, coming from being bedridden...at least I was on my feet and could wash my own face, I thanked god for that! I remember saying if it doesn't get any better I will settle for what I had.

 

Around 18 months out was the big turning point for me, That's when I washed the car...in my drive, I was a little nervous at first, It started to rain but I was not put off....I was out and I was bloomin staying out  :laugh:, I wasn't going to be put off by no downpour of rain....I looked like a drowned rat, my hubby said I was crazy!!  Neighbours curtains were moving...slats in the blinds being lifted.....I had to stop myself from giving them all a sign!! lol  I didn't care a jot that day it was magic. The agoraphobia had lifted and I wanted to go out by myself!!! not in the car just yet!!

 

It was an amazing feeling, I took baby steps to the gate first...then end of the road...within a week or so I was up the road and in a shop, it was strange opening my purse to pay for the stuff, I think it was a magazine I bought!! It seemed all so new to me...I had butterflies in my stomach with excitement...I was no longer dependant. I cried coming home :'( not with sadness.... happiness.... if that makes sense lol

 

Try not to get scared if you think you have healed, and then suddenly your back in it again!! that's how it works sometimes. I noticed each time symptoms returned...they were not as bad as before, they were less in intense. I also remember torturing myself with the notion that I was going to be one of the minority that would not get better. I would tell myself, that no one could feel this sick and survive it especially someone like me "24 years on benzos":sick:

 

Then around about 17/18 months symptoms started to disappear one by one and never returned. I do have stomach issues, I have a very sensitive stomach and had this before benzos, I was diagnosed with IBS, it is not as bad today, it was horrendous in withdrawal!!

 

Keep moving forward, stop awhile if you need to...try not to go backwards...why cover old ground. I know its hard but you can do it, believe me you can without a doubt!!! Keep reminding yourself what you are going through is "temporary" it will pass and it does eventually all go away, "It will get better"

 

Love and light to you all

 

 

Magrita aka Margo aka Mags :smitten:

 

 

oh boy, what a story, what a torture story and then the Happy End. this is what will

happen to me as well i think. the neighbours will move their curtains , they have not seen

me for over a year.

everybody will be talking and wondering that i am still alive. (brrrr)

 

you are one special Lady Margo and i am so happy to know you. thanks. :smitten:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

oh boy, what a story, what a torture story and then the Happy End. this is what will

happen to me as well i think. the neighbours will move their curtains , they have not seen

me for over a year.

everybody will be talking and wondering that i am still alive. (brrrr)

 

you are one special Lady Margo and i am so happy to know you. thanks. :smitten:

 

Claudia, it was the same for me....everyone wondering when I would be carried out lol....but to their surprise I walked out :laugh:.

 

Anyway that does not matter anymore,...I am so grateful for what I have today, I really do appreciate the small things in life. I see everything different...I remember reading someone saying " Its as if a veil has been lifted" that is so true, I had dresses in my wardrobe I bought a long time ago...the colours looked different!! So it was like I had a new wardrobe  :laugh:

 

We are all of us special here those who are still tapering and those in withdrawal and those recovered.

 

Your going to be ok :thumbsup:

 

((hugs))

 

Margo :smitten:

 

 

edit: typo

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Mags,

 

It was so nice to come back and read this.

 

You have done such an amazing job here, donating your time and keeping your spirits up when at times it was difficult for you.

 

Keep on rockin ;)

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Magrita,

 

  I am glad this story was bumped, it is very encouraging to me, especially when you say you didn't feel much improvement until after a year.....I am almost 10 months and my baseline has not improved, I am very discouraged. I cannot drive or work, I am in a trance-like state with severly impaired cognitive abilities, memory, ect. I also have EXTREME body and head pressure and intense boaty feelings which NEVER leave. I have stopped looking for little glimmers, they just don't happen.

 

Did you have the DR that bad? I walk around in a daze forgetting what I am doing from minute to minute, I feel like a zombie in another world, I have no connection to who I am or my life, I am scared.

 

Any encouragement would be really appreciated.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Magrita,

 

  I am glad this story was bumped, it is very encouraging to me, especially when you say you didn't feel much improvement until after a year.....I am almost 10 months and my baseline has not improved, I am very discouraged. I cannot drive or work, I am in a trance-like state with severly impaired cognitive abilities, memory, ect. I also have EXTREME body and head pressure and intense boaty feelings which NEVER leave. I have stopped looking for little glimmers, they just don't happen.

 

Did you have the DR that bad? I walk around in a daze forgetting what I am doing from minute to minute, I feel like a zombie in another world, I have no connection to who I am or my life, I am scared.

 

Any encouragement would be really appreciated.

 

Hi Hopeful-One :hug:

 

Yes I did, I know how scary it is...you have to keep reminding yourself...its a symptom of withdrawal and it will go eventually. Oh my goodness that horrid boaty feeling too. swaying from side to side, grabbing hold of things thinking your going to fall. sorry your having a rotten time of it at the moment, I promise you it will get better

 

Well done on 10 months free, I think the second year will be better for you, so you just hang in there.

 

Magrita :smitten: 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

[27...]

My benzo story started with a panic attack, I was a very active person with a busy social life who loved socialising, i had stopped drinking but it never stopped me having fun. Then out of the blue these panics started i thought i was about to die . I went to my GP and was given 60 diazepam 2mg pills she said take one twice a day That was 26 years ago and the same doctor had also seen my battle with booze.

 

I had no idea they were addictive. We didn't have a computer at that time, we just trusted our GPs. Anyhow i started taking the diazepam I took one pill a day to start with. Got on with life panic attacks stopped I was taking a 2mg pill per day. Over the years I did have bouts of depression and other complaints.Things I couldn't quite put my finger on I know now it was the diazepam 

 

About 7 years ago the panic attacks started again but far worse than before, awful anxiety, I could not function, the GP increased my dose and it went up and up till it got to 20 mgs I started getting very depressed, crying all day, the GP added a/ds to the mix I was a complete mess and I lost the will to live.  :'( I became housebound I could not wash myself or dress myself. I was so sick  my husband had to take care of me.  I was scared of the phone i used to get electric shocks when the phone rang or the doorbell and I could not open my front door.(agoraphobia) I was in fear of everything,  i had muscle pains and severe stomach problems, along with every symptom in the book some were extremely scary.I had tests done,  endoscopies xrays, bloods all came back negative.

 

On my next visit  to see the doctor  I asked her if the medication could be the problem My GP laughed, kept telling me it was all in my head, I was too weak to argue. What was worse for me was when my family and friends told me to pull myself together, that's when I convinced myself it was in my head.  I dragged myself onto the computer one day and did a search on diazepam(Valium). How I managed it I do not know I was so ill, and wanted to die. I learned that  Valium belonged to a group called benzodiazepines, i eventually came across a forum called Benzoisland and could not believe how my story was common knowledge.  People like me with the same complaints, it was so sad but at the same time it was also a huge RELIEF to me to learn I wasn't going mad, it wasn't all in my head. They told me on the forum it gets better. I didn't believe them but I did what they suggested me to do.

 

I did my taper there before it closed  I did 10%  cuts until I got to 6Mg's I then did 5% cuts, it was hard cutting the pills, I ended up with powder most of the time.  Anyhow I managed it it was hell, but oh so worth it. and here I am  20 mths free 99% healed.  I noticed huge improvements after the first year (we are all different)  I have seen some recover sooner and some later but what is for certain WE ALL DO RECOVER. I NEVER thought I would make it, we all make it in the end its just time.  My only regret is that i didn't get off the benzos sooner, i have lost 5 years of my life. I am trying to make up for it know, i am out most of the time. I was also pretty cheap for a while but today it is costing my poor dear loyal husband :laugh::thumbsup:

 

I  joined Trap after BI closed, that got me through this last 6 months. I made some amazing friendships and got to know some of the bravest people I have ever met. Now I have been welcomed at Benzobuddies. And meeting more brave people

 

Thank you all you amazing mods, admins, volunteers and technicians for giving us these life saving forums.

 

Love

Margarita xx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edit: Personal info

 

Thank you for staying here to help us  :smitten: :smitten: :smitten: :smitten:

You are a great person.  :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you for staying here to help us  :smitten: :smitten: :smitten: :smitten:

You are a great person.  :)

 

Thank you Brenda :hug: for you words of kindness, I know its up and down for you at the moment but It will get better, keep moving forward :thumbsup:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Hi Magrita,

 

It is Freefrom. 

I appreciate your every story.  It was an inspiration.

I have brain zaps.  Have you heard of them?  Just tell me again things will get better and these symptoms will end.  I see the psych this Saturday who started me on these pills.

 

Thanks so much for being there for me.  I hope your day is going well. it is 8:45 pm here in Asia.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Magrita,

 

It is Freefrom. 

I appreciate your every story.  It was an inspiration.

I have brain zaps.  Have you heard of them?  Just tell me again things will get better and these symptoms will end.  I see the psych this Saturday who started me on these pills.

 

Thanks so much for being there for me.  I hope your day is going well. it is 8:45 pm here in Asia.

 

Hi freefrom :hug:

 

It will get better I promise you, you are not alone, Its a common symptom, I had electric shock like feelings head to toe it is frightening but remember its temporary!!  I hope the weather is good were you are :thumbsup:

 

Brain Zaps

 

Keep hanging in

 

Magrita

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear Magrita,

  One of my rituals to manage this process is to read the success stories. I woke today feeling like I did not have the strength to do this one more day. I turned to your story, read it multiple times and now feel I can keep walking.

  Knowing you were so ill and now are living a full life free from symptoms is encouraging. When the symptoms are severe is hard to believe it will ever end. I am grateful for the brave people who come here to tell their stories.

  Thank you Magrita....I am so happy for you. I am deeply grateful for your words.

Warmly,

Carita

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear Magrita,

  One of my rituals to manage this process is to read the success stories. I woke today feeling like I did not have the strength to do this one more day. I turned to your story, read it multiple times and now feel I can keep walking.

  Knowing you were so ill and now are living a full life free from symptoms is encouraging. When the symptoms are severe is hard to believe it will ever end. I am grateful for the brave people who come here to tell their stories.

  Thank you Magrita....I am so happy for you. I am deeply grateful for your words.

Warmly,

Carita

 

Hello Carita :hug:

 

I know its hard for you at the moment, there were many times I thought it would not get better for me. I read success stories too,  I give thanks to the wonderful brave people who had gone before me, without them I might not be here.  The suffering is so bad you think no way can you recover...but you do.

 

You keep moving forward, you will soon be free then you will start to heal from this and get back to life. I am rooting for you.

 

Magrita

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hello Magrita  :smitten:

 

I have read this story and your replies again and again, What an inspiration you are.

 

Thank you for keeping us going.

 

I was feeling that I couldn't do this for another day and your story makes me know that I can.

 

So pleased that you are well and thankful for everything that you do!!  :)

 

Thank you !!! 

 

Love from Lib x x    :smitten:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just reread your success story and noted that things started to get better for you in the 17/18th month. I am almost 2 weeks into my 16th month and left with nerve pain. It doesn't seem to be getting better. The lenght of time is less, though, some days. Just very disappointed that this stuff is not gone. Thanks for your encouraging posts.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hello Magrita  :smitten:

 

I have read this story and your replies again and again, What an inspiration you are.

 

Thank you for keeping us going.

 

I was feeling that I couldn't do this for another day and your story makes me know that I can.

 

So pleased that you are well and thankful for everything that you do!!  :)

 

Thank you !!! 

 

Love from Lib x x    :smitten:

 

Hello Liberty :hug:

 

I know its up and down at the moment, it is so easy to lose hope at any stage on this journey, but especially now in  year two, This is the time I really started to  question if I would make it, and convinced myself I would be one of a minority, and would take a few more years to heal.  I know you have had some improvements along the way, coming from being bedridden to sitting downstairs, that was huge, as it was for me!  Then it seemed to halt,  but what I found with benzo withdrawal is, as slow as recovery was in the first year, in year 2 a lot can happen in a short space of time.

 

Hang in there

 

Magrita :smitten:

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just reread your success story and noted that things started to get better for you in the 17/18th month. I am almost 2 weeks into my 16th month and left with nerve pain. It doesn't seem to be getting better. The lenght of time is less, though, some days. Just very disappointed that this stuff is not gone. Thanks for your encouraging posts.

 

Hi Jazzy :hug:  thanks for posting, I am sorry your suffering with nerve pain.  It sounds like its improving at the moment, I promise you with a bit more time it will get less and less and eventually it will disappear, just keep hanging in and don’t lose hope. Yes things did start to improve around 17/18 months and pretty quickly too, It was so slow up until that point.

 

((hugs))

 

Magrita :smitten:

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks Magrita. I can't wait until this ends. Trying not to lose hope. Working and am totally functional, but when the pain hits it brings me to my knees, still.

 

hugs to you too.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hello Magrita

 

Thanks so much for everything that you do on here! 

 

just reading your story and your replies makes me so reassured and it keeps me going! 

Thanks so much for being here for us all with all your encouragement and wise words

( not forgetting the brilliant pictures that always make me smile) 

 

love from Lib x

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks Magrita. I can't wait until this ends. Trying not to lose hope. Working and am totally functional, but when the pain hits it brings me to my knees, still.

 

hugs to you too.

 

Jazzy :hug:

 

Well done to you getting to work, you should be proud of yourself!!

 

Keep positive...your going to be ok

 

Magrita :smitten:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hello Magrita

 

Thanks so much for everything that you do on here! 

 

just reading your story and your replies makes me so reassured and it keeps me going! 

Thanks so much for being here for us all with all your encouragement and wise words

( not forgetting the brilliant pictures that always make me smile) 

 

love from Lib x

 

Hello Liberty :hug:

 

Thank you for your kind words, I am so pleased I have helped in some small way. The same thing was done for me, when I was going through this. I met some of the bravest people I have ever met in my life on these forums, and wonderful genuine moderators and members who stuck around well after recovery to support people like me who was struggling, I am just paying it forward like they did, I would never had made it without them.

 

((hugs))

 

Magrita :smitten:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

×
×
  • Create New...