Jump to content

4-6 month club. How are you doing?


[re...]

Recommended Posts

Hey gang

I mirror the concerns as to what is wd and what is old stuff. I am battling anxiety big time. Along with the obsessive thoughts. I lay on the couch to use my laptop and my whole body is tense, like I am waiting for something awful to happen. I still watch my every feeling and thought. I am exhausted to be honest. I was having some decent windows for a few hours where I felt better, never 100% but they left. I wake up to burning, tingling, jaw pain, head tingles, fear, anxiety, depression etc. I am SO ready to be healed. I hope that my emotional roller coaster is just wd and that life will sort itself out soon enough. But at 6 months out I am getting concerned that this may be what life is like from here on out. I pray not. I talk to Zoe who reassures me this is just wd and I believe her, but after a day of high anxiety and depression and my obsessive thoughts, it is hard to hold onto hope. Will I really ever feel safe and comfortable again?  I cant remember the last time I felt safe. It feels like something awful is just waiting in the wings for me every day.

 

Sorry to be a downer tonight. I had had some good moments, but they are fading. I ran out of Deplin and that may be contributing as I know I have the MTHFR mutation. I started it back up today.

 

Any one else at 6 months struggling with anxiety/depression? Did you have it pre benzo?

 

I am so sorry you are feeling this way.  I am 5.5 months out and everything you just wrote could have come out of my mouth tonight.  I too lay on the couch right now w/ the laptop...reading into every sensation in my body...my heart racing and body cold.  Deep down I know we'll pull through, and it could be sooner than later.  But on a night like tonight I feel "hopeless". 

 

Hang in there...I'll hang along with you. 

 

I did battle anxiety before benzos...but it was NOTHING like this.  I also had depression, but it was caused more by the several SSRI's I went on (that made me worse instead of better).  The anxiety these benzos have created with me is ridiculous.  It's the most "unnatural" anxiety - that's the only way to describe it.  I have crazy fears I never had pre-benzos...although some of those fears are slowly fading which is a good sign.

 

I'm right along with you tonight...know you are not alone.  We'll pull through.

 

Big hugs,

Schatje

Sorry to hear you are struggling too. Yes, we will pull through. One day we will laugh and sing and be in the glorious moment. But for now, ugh!  I am getting decent (broken) sleep, but I dread waking up to the sx. My coping skills run thin at times, ya know?? I guess I'll get out a hammer and some nails and see about building a window. Or better,  a door!!  :yippee:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 252
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

  • [re...]

    52

  • [no...]

    31

  • [Sc...]

    23

  • [br...]

    16

Um, yeah, 6 months off today and, as you know, right there with you in anxiety hell.  Still.  Ugh.  I hate that this is an anniversary date.  I hoped that 6 months would be the charm.  Not!

 

Oh Mary I hate that you are still suffering too. There should be a limit. You paid your dues ages ago.

Love to you. I'll call you this weekend.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

RFB- in regards to building windows and doors- I have started a new series of work, and it is all about windows and doors. (should say I am an artist). I didn't start exploring that subject with w/d in mind, but it has definitely informed my work lately.

Hope some peace has crept in to everyone's day today.

Was my husbands bday, went out for dinner, and I literally thought I was coming unglued with terror, sitting at the darn restaurant eating tempura! I battled it, and it let up a bit. This stupid beast is hard to keep at bay!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

RFB- in regards to building windows and doors- I have started a new series of work, and it is all about windows and doors. (should say I am an artist). I didn't start exploring that subject with w/d in mind, but it has definitely informed my work lately.

Hope some peace has crept in to everyone's day today.

Was my husbands bday, went out for dinner, and I literally thought I was coming unglued with terror, sitting at the darn restaurant eating tempura! I battled it, and it let up a bit. This stupid beast is hard to keep at bay!

 

Interesting topic to delve into. Sounds wonderful actually. Enjoy

Sorry to hear you were terror gripped. It just sucks. I know all too well.

Hang in there. The beast has to let up at some point. If not, I am going to pry his fingers out of my back and shove the sob off.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Keep plugging along boys and girls! My 6th month anniversary December 24th was pretty rough. But I've finally made that 6 month turn I've read about so many times. I'll call it the 6.5 month turn. I'm still getting waves but they are mostly just tingling and numbness with a little anxious feeling. I slept well the past two nights and even had a colonoscopy last Friday that was supposed to include the fix to my ongoing recovery from anal-rectal surgery last March, May and June. I was nervous going in and the week before but it was a normal level of anxiety for me. Had a little nausea over the weekend with pins and needles that may have been from the anesthesia or just a wave that was due anyhow. Going back to the OR next Wednesday for more stitches up the horn. I'm not really nervous about it. Six months ago I was terrified to the point I had my wife lock up my firearms as I was honestly afraid I might go over the edge. I can't believe I was in that state of mind. It was the benzos no doubt. So while it does come and go and it seems like it will never end, it does. It's not over yet for me but I can feel the warmth from the sunshine at the end of the tunnel. The beast is barely a whimper now. I wish I could drag him up and finish him off in a horrible way. He has made my life miserable the past nine months. Never again will I allow the beast to enter my veins. Y'all hang in there. Good days are definitely coming!
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm at 4 months off as of this coming Thursday. Well, technically I am counting weeks, and it will be 16 weeks exactly.

 

I wish I could say I am 75% or better, but I still feel psychologically as though I am at 50% on a good day, and lower on a bad day.

 

I just feel such anxiety and depressive s/x that it feels hopeless some days. I just want my life to return to the way it was pre-benzos. At least it was manageable.

I would say my physical s/x are about 70-80% better though.

 

I guess that's something.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi Guys,

 

I am almost 6 months off...getting there.  Things got even a bit worse this past week and yesterday was SUCH a bad day to work through, BUT I can still see clearly, that it is better than my taper.  I have made progress in one area BIG TIME, and that area is:  Anxiety.  Although I still have a lot of physical anxiety, I'm not really nervous about anything.  Things that use to make me nervous, doesn't now.  I can DO more...it just takes work b/c of the existing physical s/x.  The mental stuff that is the worse is the DP/DR.  But it's not a constant by any means. 

 

The 6 month "breakthrough" that some people get is something I HOPE for so badly, but realistically I know it doesn't happen for everyone.  But I can hope...and hope and hope. 

 

Really, I was on these pills for SO MANY years.  I was put on them when I was 15 years old...and now in my 30's I am finally MED FREE.  I have had med-free moments since my teens and was fine...but was always prescribed meds at the first sign of anxiety.  I think considering how many times i've been on/off them, maybe I am doing okay then...it could be worse.  But I also know that as soon as a really bad day comes on I'll be here to panic and "let it out".  :laugh:

 

All the best to you all...we are getting there...slowly but surely. 

 

Love and hugs to all,

Schatje

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi buddies,

 

Did anyone else have dizziness return this far out(6mos.). The dizziness for me was the first sx to go when I finished the taper.

Today I seem to be having some cog fog and not really dizziness, but coordination off, bumping into things. It worries me, because I thought I was done with these and am battling others. (currently head pressure). Should I be concerned it's something else?

 

Thanks

 

:smitten:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Kimba- my dizziness returns for me now and then, mostly when I am really anxious. or early in the day. its common for symptoms to reappear, usually diminishing a bit each time.

StevieD! Have wondered about you, and your surgery. You were one of the first support systems I had jumping...I am SO joyful you are over the hump, and seeing the end of this trip. It is so good to see healing among us.

Schatje- I think its so amazing to hear that things that used to bring on anxiety no longer do for you. I kind of think I will always be carrying some sort of anxiety around. It was there before benzos..but then yours was too?

i have squirmed and pushed mt way through the first two days of classes and return to work. Early in the day I feel inner hysteria, the only way I can describe the anxiety I get these days, and when I am trying to get things done, feel totally overwhelmed. But it is, I tell myself, just a feeling, and I keep on.

Physically I am way better, but mentally, still pretty messed up, waiting to join Stevie and Tuscon on the bright side

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Northofhere,

 

Yes, I went on Benzos/SSRI's for anxiety, and I've always dealt w/ it pre-benzos, so I am pleasantly surprised by how much it is diminishing.  I did go to CBT therapy last year and I do think that helped a lot. 

 

My big issue now mentally is the OCD thinking.  Germs especially.  I didn't have that till I was on benzos, so I'm hoping it goes at some point.  It's hard having an 8 yr. old kid who obviously is around germs all day..and then I feel like I have to Lysol everything around me.  I'm getting better w/ it, but it's still in the back of my brain to haunt me.  I am always stressed about getting sick...ugh. 

 

All the best,

Schatje

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey 6 month gang!

 

Sunday, I was an anxious mess.  Monday I was so depressed I told my kids if I am not well in a year they have to let me go (clearly the lowest moment in my 16 years of parenting)  Today I woke to my usual "stuff" but by noon I was in an emotional window .still have the body stuff, but I felt like ME. It was strange and scary too, as I dont recall who I used to be. I kept waiting for the window to close and hit hit with something crappy, but so far so good.

 

Its bittersweet to feel this as I know it may go away, but for a awhile today  I did not feel mentally ill. I was happy! in the moment. Singing to the radio, I even let out two loud wwooooot woooooots in the car!  :yippee:  It's been SOOOOOO long since I felt this happy.

 

Jennifer 202(days) Klonopin 0

 

Hang in there everyone. It gets better!! The veterans were not lying.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi buddies,

 

Did anyone else have dizziness return this far out(6mos.). The dizziness for me was the first sx to go when I finished the taper.

Today I seem to be having some cog fog and not really dizziness, but coordination off, bumping into things. It worries me, because I thought I was done with these and am battling others. (currently head pressure). Should I be concerned it's something else?

 

Thanks

 

:smitten:

 

Hi Kimba,

 

Just a quick response to this... I'm 7 or 8 months out (depending on how you do the math) and I've had a bout of dizziness and mild vertigo this week. It sparked some anxiety/panic. Could it be related to WD? Sure, I think so. Yours could too.

 

But, don't discount it being Anxiety or TMS, either. (Same thing, really.) I'm always suspicious of my symptoms this far out as potentially being  my brain (anxiety/tms) looking for a clever excuse of places to put new symptoms that I might buy as WD.  YES, I think we absolutely have WD effects this far out... but try not to let it worry you.

 

That said, I'm not a doctor and any sustained dizziness of a notable sort should at least be discussed with your doctor.  But, purely my opinion is that it's likely WD, mixed with a little anxiety and tms.

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Stevie and Recovering...

 

Glad to hear you guys have had some windows, but sorry for the continued suffering.  We're all close. Think back 4 months about where you were.

Now, each day that passes can potentially bring real healing. VERY few people seem to have significant post-acute symptoms outside of a year.

So, we're all on the good side of the half-way to a year mark at this point. Benzos can't turn back the clock, either. Time is on our side.

 

Hang in there, and do not even think about quitting. Actually, you won't quit.  You're way too strong. We all just forget how strong we are when

WD is playing with our brains.

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Stevie and Recovering...

 

Glad to hear you guys have had some windows, but sorry for the continued suffering.  We're all close. Think back 4 months about where you were.

Now, each day that passes can potentially bring real healing. VERY few people seem to have significant post-acute symptoms outside of a year.

So, we're all on the good side of the half-way to a year mark at this point. Benzos can't turn back the clock, either. Time is on our side.

 

Hang in there, and do not even think about quitting. Actually, you won't quit.  You're way too strong. We all just forget how strong we are when

WD is playing with our brains.

 

Bryan no  way I will quit. I just got a new weapon in this war to reclaim my brain: REAL HOPE. I  have been running on faith, which was wearing thin, but to taste this joy, this freedom is magically delicious. I have more than faith, I have proof positive life gets really good. I have miles to go, but who cares? I can do this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

But, don't discount it being Anxiety or TMS, either. (Same thing, really.) I'm always suspicious of my symptoms this far out as potentially being  my brain (anxiety/tms) looking for a clever excuse of places to put new symptoms that I might buy as WD.  YES, I think we absolutely have WD effects this far out... but try not to let it worry you.

Thanks Bryan, I find when I develop a new sx and start to worry about it, it seems an old sx leaves. Possibly because I'm not giving it the attention that it craves  :P

 

Schatje I the ocd thinking is one of my biggest problems, not only of my health but of external things like my house not being in order. I find myself rushing around trying to get things straightened up with so much urgency, like the pope's coming to visit. This leads to so much stress which I think precipitates the physical and mental sx. Odor hypersensitivity is still a problem for me, those scented trash bags are a killer.  :D

 

I went on benzos for anxiety also, but in hindsight I really don't think it was that bad. I had more anxiety on benzos with interdose w/d.

 

Yesterday, I was so desperate for relief from my head pressure that I took a sinus pill that had pseudoephedrine in it, and I was shocked it didn't make me anymore anxious and I slept OK.  :yippee: Had I taken one 2 years ago, my anxiety would of skyrocketed. So I guess that's proof that I am healing!

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hello everyone.

Do you girls have lot of problems during PMS and when this gets better. I am dying during those few days of the month. Have lot of problems. Before benzos I was just a little nervous during PMS and now is hell.

Take care

 

Marry

Link to comment
Share on other sites

SOOO glad to hear of your window, RFB. And the reports of things getting better from all of you a bit ahead of me. However, for me thinking back to where I was a few months ago, just makes me more frightened, as it is much worse for me now, at 4.5 months out. I just constantly have this high level of fear and a steady voice telling me how bad it is,is going to get, what if and you can't. Even when it seems like a window is starting to happen, the ocd voice squashes it with doubt and fear.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

SOOO glad to hear of your window, RFB. And the reports of things getting better from all of you a bit ahead of me. However, for me thinking back to where I was a few months ago, just makes me more frightened, as it is much worse for me now, at 4.5 months out. I just constantly have this high level of fear and a steady voice telling me how bad it is,is going to get, what if and you can't. Even when it seems like a window is starting to happen, the ocd voice squashes it with doubt and fear.

 

Do your best to ignore that lying voice in your head. Just observe you having the thought and let it pass. It is just a thought. it is not real for heavens sake nor does it reflect reality. It is just a chemical ignition in your brain. Nothing more. When you realize how powerless thoughts are if we ignore them you realize you can control more of your life.  Easier said than in wd I know, but we can still try.

 

It will not get worse than where you are now. It may change, but it will not get "worse." I thought I had gotten worse but when I look back I realize I was just different. But I didnt like the new sx and thought they were worse. NOTHING was worse than the first month after my c/t!!

 

We are all healing. It just takes time, patience and a shot of courage to stay the course. You can do this!! You are doing it every day.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi all,

 

Great news recovering!  That is awesome! 

 

I had a pretty good day yesterday but today has been awful.  The fatigue and benzo flu are back again!  Sooo wiped out!  I hate this!  I want throw up!  I can't eat!  The beast has my mind again after giving it back to me for the better part of day. 

 

I read some scary posts early today and they got me really upset.  God, I hope this w/d wave will end soon.  I feel like I'm going nuts! 

 

Support would be greatly appreciated from those who can give it. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

SOOO glad to hear of your window, RFB. And the reports of things getting better from all of you a bit ahead of me. However, for me thinking back to where I was a few months ago, just makes me more frightened, as it is much worse for me now, at 4.5 months out. I just constantly have this high level of fear and a steady voice telling me how bad it is,is going to get, what if and you can't. Even when it seems like a window is starting to happen, the ocd voice squashes it with doubt and fear.

 

Hey North,

 

Let me just say I feel for you and deeply relate to where you are. But, just a few thoughts...

 

Thinking now about my own experience, 4 months out would have put me somewhere in September, I believe. (Thereabouts.) While the worst of it for me was definitely in June/July/August... I still had signifcantly worse problems in Sept. than I do now. That said, I just recently had a bad wave (or anxiety setback) a few weeks ago that featured the most intrusive thought I've had to date.  So, just try to understand that you're healing, but for most post-acute sufferers, 4.5 months is still on the tail end of the worst of it.  So, the upside there is... you are ABSOLUTELY getting close to some kind of relief. Almost 100% of people seem to have SOME kind of major window or symptom set improvement between 4-8 months. My improvement has been very slow and I've had very few "aha" moments. But, I have improved greatly. The unbearable anxiety and blasts of chemical depression have mostly subsided. Most of what I have now ranges between harmless and manageable. I do have a few hours each day that are rough, but I had that with my general anxiety before I ever got into this benzo mess.

 

So, hang in there. I read your words and it just hits so close to home. I remember being in a place where I didn't know if I would get better. It's part of healing.

 

That said, I do highly, highly recommend reading the works of Dr. Claire Weekes... anything you can find. I also strongly recommend looking deeply into TMS and Mindbody Syndromes. (Read John Sarno and Howard Schubiner's work.) You sound a lot like me, and I think you will need tools to help yourself realize that you can defeat this fear... and that what's going on is ultimately harmless. Now that my WD is subsiding some, I can feel my TMS/Anxiety starting to take over. Anxiety is very sneaky. (It's there to protect us, it's not TRYING to be harmful or sneaky.) But, such is the human biochemical condition.

 

Start doing what you can now to strenghten yourself and learn about how the brain processes fear and how anxiety works. I highly recommend reading this...

 

http://nothingworks.weebly.com/

 

This is an excellent approach to anxiety. It's dead-on. Now, given... some of your symptoms are physical from WD, but these approaches still work... and once you heal from the physical aspects of WD, you'll be able to keep these tools with you and defeat anxiety.

 

You're afraid of what MIGHT happen. Just like me. (And most of us.) What IS currently happening is bad, but you are handling it moment by moment. It's the fear of the future that creates suffering. TMS is built on fear. We all will have to learn to lose fear of our bodies' strange actions, and learn to flow with the mind as it goes through chemical changes... and then uses normal chemical reactions to "protect" us.

 

Trust me, I'm not preaching. I have a LONG way to go before I learn to disregard the fear of symptoms, but I'm getting there. I'm walking right into the fire now, and realizing that it's all a bluff. I just need more practice to reach that point where I'm simply not concerned with the symptoms. At that point... something awesome happens... they start to go away.

 

So, start thinking about life after WD, becuase you're getting close. You're going to start seeing some windows soon, and they'll close again... but you'll rememebr what life was like. That will be all you need to motivate you.  Hang in there. It's coming.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for the above post.

I too have to not get caught up in the fear of the sx. I felt SO good last night, almost manic I was so thrilled to feel better mentally. went to bed and WHAM of course wake up with all my sx. I have NEVER had a morning without them in over a year. SO tiring. I just want to be out of wd and into life. One day. We are all getting there. Healing has to happen, right?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

We all need to work on it, RFB. Even those with organic anxiety problems sit around and fear their symptoms. It's what anxiety was biologically designed to do... make you feel as if you are in danger.  But, in the case of anxiety disorders and benzo WD... it's not functioning properly, so it's up to us to shut it off over time. (Of course, WD needs to run most of its course before it's truly just you against your anxiety, but it will come to that.)

 

I had awful, dreadful... horrific mornings BEFORE I ever took a single benzo. It's part of anxiety. As Dr. Weekes says in her books... morning anxiety is a "legacy of tension".... "worry/churning/worry."  Our bodies produce more serotonin at night, and more cortisol in the morning. So, it's all nature.

 

The extreme morning anxiety is simply the result of sustained anxiety and the impact on the body. Once we can flow, relax and reduce our general anxiety... the mornings get better. This mechanism can be shut off. But, we have to let the benzo chemical thing run its course.... and then get to work ourselves on ridding ourselves of the fear of symptoms.

 

It's amazing. I read people on message boards who have had anxiety for 10 years, and they're still afraid of the symptoms. The know they can't hurt them.... yet they're afraid.

It's easy to fall into that trap. Those who recover are those who finally realize.... "hell, this is happening by design in my body.... this can't hurt me!"

 

I think I'm to the point where I know my anxiety is harmless, just frustrating. It does still scare me at times, though. So, overcoming the last bits of fear is my next mission.

I may still have a few benzo waves which make that mission tougher, but it won't derail me.

 

I'm just saying that YES... we will all heal, but there is also a commitment here on our parts, and there is a big payoff once we make it. For me, it's a work in progress but

there IS progress.

 

I look forward to reading all the stories about you all (and me) returning to complete normalcy.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi BBs...I was 6 months free on the 11th..I'm laying here on my couch with my laptop feeling just like you!No big change came on my 6 month date..Bad couple days.No Windows since Nov.You guys know how I'm feeling..YUCK.I just keep pushing forward.Thinking about Spring time.Ice rain here tonight that dosnt help things.I think I would feel better if I could lay outside in the sunshine,feel the fresh air..Being housebound adds to my problems.Just gotta hang in there with you guys..Cant wait to tell you when I feel better..Also cant wait for you to tell me when you feel better!
Link to comment
Share on other sites


×
×
  • Create New...