thinking of reinstating after 6 mos. off

After almost 6 mos. off I am seriously considering reinstating.  In short, the last 6 mos of my life have been pretty horrendous and I just can't take it anymore.  I feel like a total failure at this point but I don't know what else to do because I certainly can't go on as I have been. 

 

First of all, my anxiety level is through the roof.  I'm able to go out and run basic errands but I have stopped socializing completely.  I have too much trouble talking to people because I can't follow what they say, can't remember what they say, and my mind frequently goes blank because of the anxiety.  This constant anxiety prevents me from enjoying other people even a little bit subsequently I am very lonely.

 

Another issue I'm having that has not let up since I got off benzos is loose bowels and GI upset.  This continues despite my healthy diet and I'm so fed up with it.

 

By far the worst problem is chronic, relentless insomnia.  I sleep 2-4 hours a night, and this is the way it's been night after night after night.  I've kept a sleep log since June, and in all that time I've only had 6 nights where I slept more than 5 hours.  Now, because of my cumulative insomnia I'm so tired that I can't exercise like I was only a month or two ago, and to add insult to injury I'm gaining weight.  This weight gain is of course adding to the moderate to severe depression I already feel as a result of 15 months of benzo w/d with very little relief.  I've never had a problem with my weight until now and I know it's because the w/d, insomnia, etc. has altered my system in a way that I don't even recognize my own body anymore.  It's awful to say the least.

 

I saw an improvement in my symptoms back in September, but no improvement since then.  Three months with no improvement leads me to believe that this is as good as it gets for me.  I can't function in this current state.  It is not worth being alive feeling like this.  I don't want to go back on Valium but I see no other alternative.  Believe me, I have tried just about everything for the insomnia along with my other problems and nothing's worked.  I feel damaged beyond repair.

 

Mal

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hi,

I am sorry to hear that it is still such a struggle!

 

Have a look at the post 'sleep helped by this' - its about calcium AEP - it has been a great help for a post benzo recovery! You will find it in the insomnia tab. Chat to her, she is coming out and getting better

Dear Mal

 

I am sorry it is so rough for you right now. I too think about going back on klonopin. But every day I resist because I know that I'll never be healthy if I am back on it. I was in tolerance a very long time and I cant imagine having to keep adding more, or worse, hitting total tolerance where adding more doesn't fix it. At some point your GABBA receptors can must poop out from long term benzo use.

 

I have anxiety too, and horrible thoughts about death, life, God....my mind takes me to some very dark places these days, every day. I just keep reminding myself its a process. I am healing, slowly. I was on the crap for a very long time. It is going to take a while to heal. I get help from other people who have healed and they reassure me my feelings now are normal for withdrawal and that if I hold on, I will heal. Your anxiety will lessen! You WILL get your life back. But you have to be patient. If you reinstate, you may never have your life back as the health problems from long term use will most likely plague you.

 

I have not had a "life" in 14 months when I started my taper. I live alone, and spend many many many hours on my couch. I havent been able to work, and I worry what the future holds. But, I keep trusting the process. I have to believe it gets better. 6 months out is still early in the process.

 

What might you do to help you cope? Can you see a very good therapist? Do you have a support team?

 

I hope you consider holding on. I KNOW it is hard. My depression is dark and deep on top of my anxiety. Like you I can only run simple errands and sometimes they are too much. I used to fly all over the country, give big lectures  and was on radio and tv for my work. Now my world is miniscule. But, it will change. This is a brutal process. None of us deserved this. But we have to do our best to reclaim our brains.

 

Let us know how we can help you.

After almost 6 mos. off I am seriously considering reinstating.  In short, the last 6 mos of my life have been pretty horrendous and I just can't take it anymore.  I feel like a total failure at this point but I don't know what else to do because I certainly can't go on as I have been. 

 

First of all, my anxiety level is through the roof.  I'm able to go out and run basic errands but I have stopped socializing completely.  I have too much trouble talking to people because I can't follow what they say, can't remember what they say, and my mind frequently goes blank because of the anxiety.  This constant anxiety prevents me from enjoying other people even a little bit subsequently I am very lonely.

 

Another issue I'm having that has not let up since I got off benzos is loose bowels and GI upset.  This continues despite my healthy diet and I'm so fed up with it.

 

By far the worst problem is chronic, relentless insomnia.  I sleep 2-4 hours a night, and this is the way it's been night after night after night.  I've kept a sleep log since June, and in all that time I've only had 6 nights where I slept more than 5 hours.  Now, because of my cumulative insomnia I'm so tired that I can't exercise like I was only a month or two ago, and to add insult to injury I'm gaining weight.  This weight gain is of course adding to the moderate to severe depression I already feel as a result of 15 months of benzo w/d with very little relief.  I've never had a problem with my weight until now and I know it's because the w/d, insomnia, etc. has altered my system in a way that I don't even recognize my own body anymore.  It's awful to say the least.

 

I saw an improvement in my symptoms back in September, but no improvement since then.  Three months with no improvement leads me to believe that this is as good as it gets for me.  I can't function in this current state.  It is not worth being alive feeling like this.  I don't want to go back on Valium but I see no other alternative.  Believe me, I have tried just about everything for the insomnia along with my other problems and nothing's worked.  I feel damaged beyond repair.

 

Mal

 

At this point, reinstating might not be a good idea. It could be like flipping a coin. It MIGHT work, and it Might cause a whole lot of misery too.

 

I can relate with you on the weight gain. Im about 45 pounds heavier than I was before withdrawal. I expect to lose it fast after im able to get around better.

 

Try your best to hang on, buddy. I still have bad waves at 20 months out, but I am FAR, FAR BETTER than I was at 6 months out!

 

Try your best to hang on, buddy. I still have bad waves at 20 months out, but I am FAR, FAR BETTER than I was at 6 months out!

 

 

Thanks for this ray of hope!

The next time you try to quit could be a lot worse.  It's best to stick it out.

Just had to add my 2 cents as I'm a reinstater myself.

 

I reinstated at 6 months after  cold turkey and I regret it everyday.  Had I stuck with it I would be 3 years off and living life again. I thought if I reinstated and did a very slow taper all would be well but that was so wrong and here I am 15 months post benzo and still not doing very well and I think it's because of the reinstatement.  I think it was a terrible mistake and made my body and head in a bigger tailspin.  If you can hand in there I know this is brutal but the re-instatement did nothing for me except prolong this.  I never stablized so even though you may think it will help it could backfire.  I can't tell you what to do just let you know what happened to me. Good luck in your decision.

Hugs

Kmarie

What wonderful replies!

 

I can't add much more than these very well informed and compassionate member have written, only that you could start turning the corner very soon, at 6 months out. Please read and re-read the comments here, Mal. These folks know what they're talking about. I'd hate to see you worse off due to a bad result from reinstatement.

 

 

Thanks everyone for your responses.  I am having a really bad day and don't have the concentration to write an intelligent reply.  Hopefully tomorrow I will be more capable of writing.

 

Thanks again,

 

Mal

Perhaps make a deal with yourself.  Agree to not reinstate before your six month anniversary on January 4th.  I've read so many stories that 6 months was the turning point and that months four and five were hard.  You're almost there.

Perhaps make a deal with yourself.  Agree to not reinstate before your six month anniversary on January 4th.  I've read so many stories that 6 months was the turning point and that months four and five were hard.  You're almost there.

 

I pray this is true Betty. I am 6 months out on the 22nd of this month and I am worse mentally than ever before. The anxiety, fear, and depression is just unbearable. I was NOT this bad at 4 months. I pray these sx pass soon.

Hang in there Mal just keep telling yourself you have put in 6 months so far and you don't want to waste that long hard 6 months.  As someone once told me thru the hard days "just keep swimming"

Hugs

Kmarie

There must've been a good reason for you to want to get off the benzodiazepines in the first place. I know that for me, I had a bad reaction to the drug, so reinstatement has never been an option.

 

Depending on how shocked your body is, reinstating may or may not help. My central nervous system was so shocked that the damage done could  not have been reversed by reinstating. 

 

Like another member talready said, if you do reinstate, you will probably have a lot more difficulty coming off the next time, if there is a next time.

 

At six months off, putting on my shoes with still a challenge. At seven months off, I started sleeping 5+ hours twice a week. That was my turning point. In my desperation to sleep, I have asked probably 100 people when their sleep came back. Very many of them told me that around 10 months off  they were sleeping quite well, I am now sleeping three or four times a week 5+ hours. It's not great, but it's getting better.

 

You've come this far, why not hang around for another couple of months before considering reinstatement.  What the heck! If you've seen improvement up to now, it probably just keep on going in the same direction.  It's just darn slow.

Sorry to be so blunt, but you don't really believe that getting back on the brain poison is going to solve anything long term, do you?

 

Six months off might still be early in the game but at the same time your brain has probably had a chance to do a lot more healing than it feels like. I was miserable up until about 4 months off, then at 5 months off things changed completely. You have to get over that hump. Unfortunately no one can say when that will happen. But when it does you will be glad you stuck it out.

 

 

You are not beyond repair. My downward spiral ended at around the beginning of month 7. Things didn’t get better rapidly by any means, but I had at least bottomed out then. I would just keep hanging on if I were you. You really don’t want to re-travel the same ground you already covered. You are probably approaching a time when you will notice at least some modest improvement.

 

eli 

 

Perhaps make a deal with yourself.  Agree to not reinstate before your six month anniversary on January 4th.  I've read so many stories that 6 months was the turning point and that months four and five were hard.  You're almost there.

 

I pray this is true Betty. I am 6 months out on the 22nd of this month and I am worse mentally than ever before. The anxiety, fear, and depression is just unbearable. I was NOT this bad at 4 months. I pray these sx pass soon.

 

My worst months were from 3 - 7 months off. It really does get better after that, just very slowly. 

I  think that anyone who reinstates after 6 months off has to also consider that they may get on and never get off again.  It might be too hard.  It's a chance that you take.  If you don't mind the thought of the pills the rest of your life, well that's different.  But just think how hard you worked to get where you are. 

Please keep going.  Your so early in recovery.  It won't work anyway.  Don't let these drugs win. 

Haven't read all your replies verbatim so don't know if someone suggested this, but my heart goes out to you. If you're feeling like I did the 8th day of my cold turkey before I reinstated and started the taper, you are most miserable!

 

Just a suggestion--How about asking for a prescription for ambien so you can get some rest and take the smallest dose that allows you to get some sleep.

 

Years and years before I ever used a benzo or sleep med and still had normal sleep, the times I would go through a streak of insomnia made me extremely anxious and wired in the daytime. I was tired, but wired.

 

Going without sleep can make you crazy and wear down your immune system. I know sleep meds are not good either, but it would be a shame if you have to give up your "progress" so far having gotten off the benzos.

 

Maybe some nights of good sleep would restore you to a certain level of calmness???

 

 

Don't give up!

Look into possible nutrient deficiency, especially magnesium and iodine.

Greens and seafood can supply these nutrients and get sunshine.

hi mal,

I can tell you are really depressed. I can tell you I never intend to go through this Hell again.

I am now determined to say: Im benzo free and I will learn how to handle anxiety.

I have moments when it is like there is a tight band around my midsection and its very uncomfortable but I tell myself it is w/d and wont always be there.

I was on xanax for 20 plus yrs. It feel kind of good now to tell myself I am now benzo free! And I know it will get better, it just takes time.

Hang in there Buddy believe me, if I can do it, you can:) Im sure you never want to go thru w/d again, right? I know I sure dont. We got thru the worst we will make it thru the healing, too.

 

*benzo free since Sept 2011

I agree about the nutrient deficiency, but it does take a while to build up.

 

Interesting about the suggestion for iodine. I've been on it for my thyroid for about 2 weeks and have just started to be able to take only a part of ambien instead of a whole one.

 

I've also upped my magnesium to morning and before bed instead of just  before bed as before.

 

Thanks for the iodine info!

What does iodine do? I googled it but not sure how it plays into wd. Would be great to add anything natural that helps.

From my experience, getting off every next time is harder.

 

- First time I was on K for 6 weeks + 2 week taper -- it took me 1 month to feel ok.

 

- Two years later I was on the same dose for the same time -- it took me approx 9 months to feel ok, but I was experiencing waves from time to time long after that (waves lasted several days, with several months window periods in between).

 

- The last time I was on it for about 5-6 months (including slow taper) -- knowing all this I don't know how the things will roll out for me. I had good days and bad days so far, but now I'm 9 months off and the last 2 months were VERY hard.

 

If I only knew how this stuff works, and that it's the cause of all the weird symptoms (even for more than a year after stopping it), I would never reinstated. Now I know, but it is too late and I cannot rewind back time.

Hi Mal,

 

I completely understand where you are coming from. I'm almost at 6 months of and the insomnia is as bad as ever. The good news is the anxiety you describe has gotten considerably better, and yours will too. Most days I have no anxiety until bedtime. I have bad sleep anxiety.

 

I often feel defeated, but reinstating for me is not the answer. As many buddies will tell you, reinstating this far out often brings no relief and will just undo the healing you've endured. Many people speak of three significant turn arounds: 6 months, 10 months, and 1 year out. I have not experienced a significant turn around in the last month, although I had a great window. We just have to keep trying. Time will pass regardless if you reinstate or not. So where do you want to be in 10 months? 10 months out or back on the benzo? It's up to you. No one can decide for you.

 

 

I do know how miserable you are with the insomnia. I wish I knew how to fix that. Lack of sleep makes the other sxs so much worse.