A Time of Thanks Giving - Two Years Out

Two years ago today I took that last little bit of clonazepam... and waited for my world to turn around. Instead it turned upside down. Inside out. My mind fragmented into a zillion pieces as the hours went by after that ‘last little dose’. Two Thanksgivings ago I was holding onto the walls in my home just to navigate through the house.

 

I want to be honest with anyone reading this... I don’t want to pretend that it was in any way just up and out after I got off the stuff. It totally was not. I lost all sense of smell, taste, touch. Not so much lost it, I have come to learn... but those senses became so incredibly heightened that all the sensory paths in my brain just could not handle the input. So.... they basically shut down.

 

I couldn’t feel the shower on my body... tell the temperature of the water. Taste food or smell food burning as I attempted to cook. I could not tell wet from cold anywhere on my body. My feet were numb as were my fingers and most of my skin. Also my internal organs. No sense of internal processes. No sense of anything. Nothing MADE any sense. Anymore. At all.

 

And my cognitive function took an even harder hit. It was as though I had had a stroke... the symptoms I experienced were so similar to many of those in Jill Bolte Taylor’s Book, ‘My Stroke of Insight’, that I still equate my experience with having had a ‘chemical stroke’. That is still the comparison I use today when sharing with people about my experience.

 

I lost almost all memory of events, experiences and learning. From my entire life. My sense of linear time evaporated into some sort of suspended animation that went on for months. I sat in a near catatonic state by the hour. I lost all sense of visual depth perception, my eyesight clouded over... I could not sleep, I had no appetite, I was in a constant state of internal agitation and was nearly drowning in negative thought patterns that replayed 24/7, 24/7, 24/7.

 

There was no respite, no relief. As the first weeks went by I was less and less able to communicate verbally. I huddled in my tiny bath with the space heater on full bore to try to combat the deep penetrating bone chill. I could never get warm. I became phonaphobic as I call it... unable to answer or speak on the phone. Nearly unable to do so in real life and my brain could not process conversation or adequately respond.

 

I sat quietly in a dreamy lost sort of way that others interpreted as calm and collected. I withdrew wherever I could and only took part in brief activities that allowed me to talk little or not at all. And I emailed... women who I met on this site. Every dang day. Page after page of outpourings from my heart.

 

One person... Shelleyr (who jumped from the same drug from nearly the same amount at almost the exact same time)... and I spilled it all out and held each other up and shared... and challenged one another and supported each other unreservedly. Day in and day out. Week after week. Month after month. Year... after year. We held nothing back... sharing the misery... the hope... the signs of healing as they began... the setbacks... the anger. We let it all out.

 

Shell was a total LIFE LINE for me... and she still is. As she stated in her story... I can only hope that some of you will find someone like that to share the journey of recovery with. We don’t... CAN’T... get that from our families, our friends, our physicians, our spiritual guides. The ONLY people who can truly share this exhaustive process of recovery are those who have been through it or are going through it.

 

Others from this site also came alongside... on the outside. They were not in the dire straits I was... so they were able to pray for me when I could not do so for myself... they gave me strength and added humor to my dark days. They helped ME see good things where everything seemed so bleak and dark. They never left me... even though it was a long slog of dark days and negative thinking that I subjected them too. They were invaluable to the process of recovery for me. I love each one of them and they will always be sisters of my heart.

 

I stopped posting on BB... because my experience was just SO hard... and SO bad. I had not read any posts that talked about what I was going through. The unendingness of it... the incredible difficulty. The heart ache and break and brokenness of it all. I worried about newbies and people tapering and could not post about how bad it was. I didn’t want them to read it and see themselves in my story. I didn’t want to bump anyone off the path of getting off the benzo.

 

Now... two years later... I want EVERYONE who comes to this site to KNOW that even when the experience is as severe and as crippling as mine... that is NOT the end of the story. Our bodies are marvelously made... wonderfully complex... and possessed of a limitless reserve of intrinsic health. Even with the severe brain bashing from the benzo... my recovery is happening and... life... is good again.

 

I do still have many residual symptoms from the brain toxin I was on. Sensory integration is an area that just does not function correctly for me even yet. I purged my wardrobe of anything that ‘felt’ odd or didn’t ‘lay right’ on my body. I gave away most of my colorful clothing and wear only calm and soft and flowing subdued shades now. Even Wikipedia has an entry about this ‘leftover’ from benzos.

 

I have a compromised immune system still... GI issues that are not yet resolved but ARE slowly slowly improving. After all... the gut has more neuroreceptors than our brains... so the benzos totally mess with digestion, absorption, all of that. My diet is strict and not all that interesting... but it is totally doable and keeps me gut well. I have gained nearly ten pounds in the past two years. A good thing.




I am ultra sensitive still to sounds... some days more so than others. I got fitted for a pair of musicians earplugs to filter and dampen loud environments. I am figuring out how to adapt to my world as it is while I continue to heal. I walk more slowly... I take my time... I do not subject myself to people, places, situations or information sources that do not facilitate my recovery. I am VERY aware of me... and my needs... for the first time in my life. I value... me.

 

At two years out... I sleep up to seven hours at a time. Often. I wake without that horrible agitation. Almost always. I have a clean house. Most of the time. My garden is beautiful. I am involved in activities outside my home... I have new hobbies and interests that have taken the place of things my brain is no longer able to do or interested in. I have learned to pay bills online... I have an iPhone. I have lost friends and gained new ones. Life... is good.

 

And what I haven’t yet figured out... my brain is dealing with. Although I have not regained much of the physical sense of my body... I am still sort of fluid as Jill Bolte Taylor would say... my brain is adapting where it is not healing... and is allowing me to function even with those missing pieces. My brain is a MARVEL of biological engineering and continues to find ways to piece me back together in a new form of wholeness.

 

And huge part of that new wholeness for me has been on a spiritual level. I have undergone a very deep internal journey of transformation and healing that has changed everything about the way I interact with my world. The change has been profound and I am internally... and eternally grateful for this unexpected gift that emerged from that pit of chemical darkness. I am more alive and aware than ever before. I am blessed.

 

The time of Thanksgiving for me will forever be a time of personal celebration. My own version of the new year so-to-speak. My anniversary of anniversaries. The yearly reminder of the one most important step I have ever taken in my life. And the one I hope anyone reading this is taking... or has taken... or will take.

 

s and  always ~~~

 

GG

 

 

GG, thank you for this update on your progress.  It is so beautiful and so inspirational that it nearly brought me to tears.  I'm so glad you continue to regain the pieces of your life.  You give me hope.  Love to you, ~~mbr

congrats on your recovery, you deserve to be happy and well after all you have been through.

 

may your healing continue until you have reached and restored your full health

 

kd

How many times have I told you how much you amaze me...that I'm proud of you...that I admire your strength?

Add this one to the tally.

Hope to hear from you elsewhere.

g

Wow,  you are amazing,  thanks for sharing all of this.

 

Continued health and healing to you.

 

much love zoe

hi gg

thanks for your courage and your honesty; so sorry for what you had to go thru

i am having these days where i just feel sick and cry.  did that happen to you?

i am also in this fear that i won't get well.

if u have any thoughts i'd be so thankful

really struggling

i just got 5 months off klon

Wow Gustsydal, between your story and shellyr's story, I could have written either one almost word for word. That is both comforting and tragic. I thank you for coming back and posting this. I soooo needed to read this story. I am at 22 months off just as of 2 days ago. I am still very symptomatic. Little things come back to me hear and there and I am thankful for what little improvements I get, but sometimes they vanish as quickly as they appear. That can be discouraging. I was wondering (I asked shelleyr this same question) if you noticed a rather quick turn around in symptoms there towards the end. I mean...were you just pounded with symptoms for th majority of w/d then the symptoms diminished fairly quickly over a few days to weeks ?  Or was it just gradual improvement with symptoms only retreating one by one in a long gruelingly slow pace until you healed ? 

 

I am just try to gt some hope to keep going. Lately I have been running on fumes.  Thanks again for posting this Gutsygal.  It will help a lot of people, including myself, to pull hope and inspiration from it. 

 

Chrisw

Thanks for sharing you're story it gives us all hope, may you're days continue to get better and better.

You have stated it all so well my friend! 

 

SO much remains that still there are no words to describe but you did such a great job of telling it as it IS and how the world has become for us now.

Learning to live differently and being able to share all the struggles together has been a blessing that I am forever grateful.

Thanksgiving will always be a reminder of all the yearly accumulations of all we endured~along with the glimmers of hope and healing that we fought SO hard for and to finally now receive the gifts of seeing/feeling them. So thankful!

The healing has been unbearably slow..not in bits and pieces..or chunks~more like a shadow slowly fading in & out over many weeks and months and finding it hard to believe the good would ever last or trust it...and now clarity is coming in on things that were completely dark to us and realizing that we are INDEED healing.

 

Holding on to only a dream of hope while flailing in the benzostorm for the last 2 years~We NEVER gave up...never settled for "this" as forever~always pushing towards total recovery each and every day.

 

Even though it may have seemed to you that you were only a ghost of yourself..I always saw your inner soul..your strength, beauty and courage and have admired you from the first day I met you.

 

You never gave up on those things in life that are important to you..no matter what it took..you held on strong!

 

One day this too shall only be a memory but so happy to have an account of what we have gone through as we will never ever forget this benzo journey we have shared. Never.

 

Love, Hugs and healing to you always my very dear friend!

 

Looking closer, breathing deeper and finding a new & magical life without Benzo's!!!

XXX :smitten:

Shelley

 

 

Thank you so much Gutsygal for sharing your story.  It is so cool that you and Shelley had each other thru this process and both decided to post your stories even though the story is not over.  May the next year bring a resolution to the remaining symptoms. 

Shelley and I were really really fortunate to have connected when we did.

Of course... this site made that possible. I will be forever grateful to BB for being here.

 

Thank you to all who have posted. It was so hard to even try to come up with enough words

to even barely partially try to convey what this has been like. I left so much out... it would have filled

a book if I had typed all that happened and all that is on my heart about this experience.

 

It was actually painful to try to go back and review and evaluate and condense and TRY to leave

some sort of sense of the difficulty but also the tremendous hope in the healing process.

 

And for those of you who have asked... no... no windows for me. Ever. Just a slow slow back and forth

progression and regression of symptom after reoccurring symptom. Ever so slowly improving. The word

that best describes it for both Shell and myself is definitely... SLOW.

 

I have read that you can expect CNS (Central Nervous System) healing from the benzos to take a year

for each year you were on them. So I figure I have at least another year and half to go before I

can truly consider the main bulk of the healing to be in place.

 

This is not a concern as anything from here on out is gravy. I can live like this... very well... and enjoy

life on a new basis of internal harmony that has never existed for me before. I do think it is not helpful to

put ourselves on any sort of timeline though. Healing happens when healing happens. End of story.

Mine... yours... every last one of us on this site.

 

The important thing to take away is... that healing happens.

 

s &  to each one of you on your journey to wellness.

 

GG

 

Shelley and I were really really fortunate to have connected when we did.

Of course... this site made that possible. I will be forever grateful to BB for being here.

 

Thank you to all who have posted. It was so hard to even try to come up with enough words

to even barely partially try to convey what this has been like. I left so much out... it would have filled

a book if I had typed all that happened and all that is on my heart about this experience.

 

It was actually painful to try to go back and review and evaluate and condense and TRY to leave

some sort of sense of the difficulty but also the tremendous hope in the healing process.

 

And for those of you who have asked... no... no windows for me. Ever. Just a slow slow back and forth

progression and regression of symptom after reoccurring symptom. Ever so slowly improving. The word

that best describes it for both Shell and myself is definitely... SLOW.

 

I have read that you can expect CNS (Central Nervous System) healing from the benzos to take a year

for each year you were on them. So I figure I have at least another year and half to go before I

can truly consider the main bulk of the healing to be in place.

 

This is not a concern as anything from here on out is gravy. I can live like this... very well... and enjoy

life on a new basis of internal harmony that has never existed for me before. I do think it is not helpful to

put ourselves on any sort of timeline though. Healing happens when healing happens. End of story.

Mine... yours... every last one of us on this site.

 

The important thing to take away is... that healing happens.

 

s &   to each one of you on your journey to wellness.

 

GG

 

 

 

So I have 7 more years?????    and a person coming off from being it on for 20 years has another 20 years before they feel better???  omg  I can do another 5 more years of this.....I just can't 

hi Chris,

 

I was on for 2 years and off for 3. I'm about 95% physically and 75% cognitively healed. Gutsy never had any windows, and I had 6 during my first 18 months - and none since then.

 

None of it makes sense. Like she said, it happens when it happens.

 

hang in there.

 

ginger

hi Chris,

 

I was on for 2 years and off for 3. I'm about 95% physically and 75% cognitively healed. Gutsy never had any windows, and I had 6 during my first 18 months - and none since then.

 

None of it makes sense. Like she said, it happens when it happens.

 

hang in there.

 

ginger

 

 

Weren't you on other meds that caused problems too , Ginger ?  Don't you have other health issues, as well ?  Just curious, its so hard to keep up with everyone's health history. I would imagine that other medications and other health issues can also affect the duration and intenisty of w/d, but I am not a doctor.

Like Chris, I worry about the one year of healing for every year of benzo use.  I was on for 17 years.  That leaves me 16 years to go - I probably won't even live that long....so what do I do? 

    In Dr. Peter Breggin's book - Your Drug may be your Problem - he states one month of healing for every month you were on the benzo.  I like that a whole lot better.....and also somewhere else, cannot remember where, the same time line was stated.  I hope they are right.

    But I do want to thank you GG for your success post......I am 14 months off now and to know that healing IS possible is a bright light for me.  I know people tell us this every day- "you will heal" but to read it in a success story from one who has been there is so much more hopeful.

My recovery is going very slowly - I do get windows but the waves that come back are so awful....and I just lose hope so quickly.  Thank you for taking the time to post your story.  I wish you many good good days ahead and if you can find where you read that info about one year of healing for every year of being on the drug, I would surely like to know.  Thank you

Hoping2BFree

The one year of healing or whatever for every other year is a myth.

In that case I will not be healed until 2021.

 

I think it just happens when it happens like Ginger said because it is strange that some people can be on the Benzo for a short amount of time and have troubles for a long time, yet someone who was on them for years can heal before the short time user. I have seen too much of it.

 

 

Hello All ~~~

 

THIS is what is important to take away with you from my last post....

 

'I do think it is not helpful to put ourselves on any sort of timeline though.

Healing happens when healing happens. End of story.

Mine... yours... every last one of us on this site.

 

The important thing to take away is... that healing happens.'

 

Don't let fear control your healing journey. Just take it a day and week and month

at a time. Find things to enrich your life AS IT IS NOW... let your healing

unfold on its on timeline. It will all work out....

 

s &     to each one of you on your journey to wellness.

 

GG

i am not able to find very much that  enriches me right now and i am hoping that is ok for now.  i find myself overwhelmed with how little i feel like doing.  i cannot do much aerobic exercise and i know that would help.  i used to love the gym but have no energy and high bp and can't take much

i teach high school during the week so that is my accomplishment - good distraction

i worry that i will not get out of my  rut but i think i will because i will be so thankful to feel normal.

i hope it is ok  i watch tv a lot

i don't feel like talking much

 

it is scary for us over how non linear this is and afraid it will last forever.  that is a sx.  i try to not feed into those thoughts; they just undo me.

pamster wrote it takes about a year .  neurologists says new gaba receptors grow back in 18 - 24 month.  so our old ones can heal and get new ones too; once they did not think they re-grew i guess

 

i am so glad u r well; and thanks too for showing me how much my buds on here mean to me.  it is my life line

I am Proud of you Gutsy gal. Everyday.

 

:smitten: to you and Shell, RM.... always....

Pan... it is REMARKABLE to me that you have been holding down a job at ALL.

Much less teaching school! Give yourself some huge congratulatory whallops on your back!

I can't imagine how you would be able to do much more THAN recover on the couch

after that kind of work day. Just. Wow. 

 

TV works... walking works.... WHATEVER works. And I didn't feel like... wasn't ABLE to...

talk to anyone including the hub... for months and months and months. All part of

the brain piecing back together. Then one day... I laughed out loud and was SHOCKED that

that had come out of MY mouth.

 

I felt EXACTLY the way you described... that 'this' would last forever. It is the continuation of

the black benzo thinking... to me... for me... the worst part of this whole thing. But EVEN THAT

goes away. Can you imagine? Well... it DOES!

 

Don't be concerned about whether your gaba guys are on schedule or not... they will get there

right when they are supposed to. When YOU... can handle the sensory input they will allow

then.

 

Sit back... cocoon... watch TV.... and be at as much peace as possible while your body does

its thing. Heals.

 

s & 

 

GG

Thanks Gutsy Gal 

Shelley and I were really really fortunate to have connected when we did.

Of course... this site made that possible. I will be forever grateful to BB for being here.

 

Thank you to all who have posted. It was so hard to even try to come up with enough words

to even barely partially try to convey what this has been like. I left so much out... it would have filled

a book if I had typed all that happened and all that is on my heart about this experience.

 

It was actually painful to try to go back and review and evaluate and condense and TRY to leave

some sort of sense of the difficulty but also the tremendous hope in the healing process.

 

And for those of you who have asked... no... no windows for me. Ever. Just a slow slow back and forth

progression and regression of symptom after reoccurring symptom. Ever so slowly improving. The word

that best describes it for both Shell and myself is definitely... SLOW.

 

I have read that you can expect CNS (Central Nervous System) healing from the benzos to take a year

for each year you were on them. So I figure I have at least another year and half to go before I

can truly consider the main bulk of the healing to be in place.

 

This is not a concern as anything from here on out is gravy. I can live like this... very well... and enjoy

life on a new basis of internal harmony that has never existed for me before. I do think it is not helpful to

put ourselves on any sort of timeline though. Healing happens when healing happens. End of story.

Mine... yours... every last one of us on this site.

 

The important thing to take away is... that healing happens.

 

s &  to each one of you on your journey to wellness.

 

GG

 

 

 

So I have 7 more years?????    and a person coming off from being it on for 20 years has another 20 years before they feel better???  omg  I can do another 5 more years of this.....I just can't

One year or one month to heal for every year you were on is total Bull.  You heal when you heal.  Chris and I were both on Clonazepam 4 MGS.  I was on it for a few years longer than him.  We both did a CT a month or two apart.  I've healed except for some tinnitus and Chris still has a way to go.  It just depends on the person.  Don't let anyone discourage or tell you how long it will take to heal.  Nobody and I mean NOBODY knows. 

 

I'm in huge agreement with Kenneth.

 

There is absolutely no and I mean no evidence that states that comment ..

If that's the case there would be little to no No Hope of recovery.

Hope is the most important here and Healing yes Gusty Ur rt 100% WE HEAL..ALL OF US.

Time frame that we cant say. That would be  great.Wish there was 1 for real that would carry so many so far.But as far as saying it takes 1 yr per yr Ur on them to heal is quiet Harmful to say.Especially for every1 who is Holding on with a Death Grip to these Success Story's.Its food for them and these story's are so Huge In there Day to Day .Min to Min Life LINE...I just feel real strong ..If Ur gonna give Hope then it should be done with 0 Fear in the backround of it.

 

I'm so happy for you that Ur feeling so much better and Pray for Ur continued Recovery

 

~Jenny

 

OH DEAR... OH DEAR... OH DEAR... 

 

PLEASE.... Buddies... none of us needs the drama of anyone latching onto ONE statement that was really only intended as an inner musing on my OWN situation and condition. NONE of us knows our timeline. NONE of us.

 

Please go back and read the difficulty of my story and my journey... and believe me... the version I wrote reads like a day at the lake versus the incredible difficulty of those actual months. 

 

And YET.... STILL.... I have been healing... am healing... will continue to heal.

 

THIS IS WHAT IS IMPORTANT TO TAKE AWAY FROM THIS POSTING.

 

WE HEAL.... WE HEAL... WE HEAL....

 

THIS is what I want ANYONE to read... to hear... to take in... to think about... to hold onto.

 

s & 

 

GG