I'm ok.... finally...

Hello everyone...

 

I started on Xanax the week of March 28th, 2011.  I had been sick for 3 1/2 weeks prior to my first dose of xanax.   At some point during the sickness I became anxious. I did not know that as I assumed it was the illness.

My doctor finally said you are physically ok, I think this is anxiety... By that time I was in full adrenal fatigue and was wanting relief so bad...  I was not sleeping and that just made things worse.

I remember walking and feeling so heavy... I had no energy and was at the lowest point in my life...  

Little did I know that I would reach new lows....

 

My doctor prescribed xanax .25 to help me sleep at night and take the edge off....  To understand how sick I was, I went from 180 pounds to 165 in a month... I thought I was dying so I took it hoping for the best.  I stayed on .25 for a week. I slept, but right away i would get these huge pressure headaches in the day and would feel so tired...  My wife was prescribed Klonopin .5 around this same time because her doc said she seemed edgy ( my god this is not a medicine you just give to people cause they seem stressed. Thank God she did not take it ).   Anyway, I was told my doc to try that as it's the same medicine except it has less side effects.  I started on .5 of Klonopin the first week of April. I was still sleeping but I felt so drugged during the day and my head was not as tight but it still gave me some head pressure.  I was told that these would go away in a couple of weeks...  It never did.  

 

What made things worse was that I would've come off of it sooner but my therapist said it's a small dose and you need to catch up on sleep.  SIGH!!! After one week on Klonopin I cut the pill in 3/4 and took that instead.  I had more energy after a couple of days of feeling sick, this is when i started to think that this drug was hurting me.  I waited a few days and cut down to .25. I had more WD but I started to feel a bit better in the energy dept.. I was on .25 for a few days and then cut to .125 for one day and and jumped.  I took melatonin that night to help me sleep.   the next day i felt like my head was going to explode.  Something told me I went too fast and it was at this point that I got on Benzo Buddies.   I jumped back to .25 and stabilized for a few days.  I began a dry taper in the month of May that got me off pretty aggressively by May 21st. I went from .25 to .125 ( I got a prescription for a .125 wafer and cut down to .03)  In total I was on Benzo's for 8 weeks.  That's not a long time right? Wrong, its long enough for most of us to get hooked...  I endured WD at work and it was so hard to pretend to be focused.  My family and friends did not understand what I was going thru and so my wife was so scared that she really couldn't help me... She would almost get angry and frustrated that I was getting better fast enough! But she since has come around and understands and with your help I was able to get her off of Zoloft this past week... We are both drug free.

 

Well, back to my WD story. The wheels came off when I got to .06 , I had these crazy thoughts, some sexual or just bizarre.  Let's just say that this state of mind is what a lunatic must feel... Crazy urges that scared me so much.  They were brief, but the list suddenly went from tired and head pressure to everything under the sun...

Here they are...

Sudden and severe depression

Cold spells

Dizzy

Anxiety ( so piercing, in my gut, very diff from the anxiety I had when i was sick. THIS WAS ANXIETY)

Light sensitivity

Sound sensitivity

high blood pressure

head pressure

head aches

Head tightness

numbness in my left arm

chest tightness

severe neck pain

GI (really bad)

Jelly Legs

Overall Weakness

Cog Fog (my head would dip and I would suddenly feel slow)

Shakes in the morning

Night anxiety (just before i would go to sleep would wake up in a terrible state of fear)

Fear

Intrusive thoughts ( almost always at night)  

Some ringing in the ears but not so bad

feeling ill ( can't describe it, like flu)

Stuffy nose

Stuffy ears

Insomnia!!!! How many cups of chamomile tea did I drink? Only God knows...

Little by little they started to leave... Some would return but not as intense or rather a really bad 3 days, then 2 , then 1 followed by longer windows and overall feeling better.  

I am not 100% cause before I got sick I was finishing my 90X workout DVD's like a boss.  I had a 4 pack, lol and was in great shape.. So, I am not there. If I try to do any of those dvd's now I will not make it thru...

 

But look at that list ...  I have been sick in some way since the beginning of March!!!!!  So although I am not 100%, I know that being able to do a cardio workout from hell does not mean you are ok.  Having this list of hell sensations out of my life is 100%.  I can get back into shape. I can get back into all my hobbies. I can be the husband and Father that my family needs. I can do all these things now because I am better. That my dear friends is 100%.  

What have I learned during all of this?

 

To believe even when your own mind shows you the darkest dark, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  As you inch towards it, it will get bigger and brighter, until you stumble out into the sun as a whole human being again.  

I have learned that fear is a sensation, I have learned to ignore the impossible.

I know what it is to stand alone and how valuable it is to stand with friends.  I count you as my friends.  I wish PM was back

I have learned that life is precious, short and a gift.  Treasure each moment even on the bad days because they are your moments and no one else's..  

 

Love yourself. Sometimes all I had was myself.  I had to do so much self talk, massage my own neck and arms.   I almost hugged myself on a few days.   I forgave myself.  I taught myself.  

Also, get up and get outside.  Even if you  no longer remember the joy of the sun's light on your face.

Be like the sun... Shine because that's what it does... Try and shine like the sun in defiance to the feelings of WD.   Rebuke the sensations and be like the Sun.  

If you see yourself from the outside in, well... learn from that moment.

If you are afraid and going out of your mind. Cling to that small voice in your head that is still you and talk to it.

Do what you have to do but always remember that you will get better... It does happen...

I have so many other things to say but it does not matter now.  What is better to say than I am healed?

There is nothing better than that...

 

Love to all of you from the most sincere place in my heart.

 

Luis

 

Congrats Luis on your healing! I am so very happy for you that you are doing so well. Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful story, it gives so many hope to read it. Take care and enjoy life 

Hooray LP!

 

This makes me teary - I'm so happy for you  You walked through the fire and made it out  Well done....You've kept me inspired as I've tracked your progress (you're a few weeks in front of me)......I'm gonna be right behind you posting here soon

 

Congratulations - I'm proud of you!

 

Clem 

Wow LP

 

I am so happy for you! My God its amazing you helped your wife of Zoloft to.You are so very

Inspiring to me and many in sure. I know your about live life and live so good! May you continue

to be Blessed and a Blessing Always

 

~Jenny

Thanks Guys I wanted to wait another couple of weeks but decided to do it now. I've come really far so it was time to post an update and share....

All your support is greatly appreciated!

Hi Sigma,

 

I see you are down to 10mg! Good man!

My spirits lift everytime I read a success story. So, thank you so much for posting.  It gives me hope that this awful journey will end.  Congratulations on conquering the benzo beast.

LP....You Are A BB Hero Thank-you, ever so much. It's stories like yours that keep us going forward. I was so surprised to see, just how many of your symptoms, I've had or am having now. Nevertheless. We can heal!!! Thanks again. Please come back and post more when you can.

T2

Remember back when, when you and I were trying to estimate when we'd be all better? Would you be first, or me?

 

What a blinding maze that was! And here we are "on the other side" encouraging others to keep their hope.

 

I'm so glad you posted your success story. I'm so glad the day arrived when I got to read it. I don't know what the 90x workout is but I'd be happy to complete a 2x workout!!! Today we no longer suffer. That's the point.

Yes YRAM I remember for some reason i just clung to you from the first post you responded too.

I'm glad I did and happy we will be friends for life!

LP!!!   

 

I am SO happy for you!!!  Thank you for taking the time to write such a detailed Success Story - it will help SO many people understand the true ups and downs of healing...as well as knowing that we DO heal.

 

You were always someone I looked up to on the forum...you always gave great advice and had kind words for everyone.  You are a very positive person.

 

All the best to you in the future and enjoy the "healed life".  I am so happy for both you and your wife being med-free.  Awesome!

 

Take care and congrats again,

Schatje

Oh LP, I am in tears; no worries, they are tears of joy!

 

Thank God for a virtual world!

 

Your healing means so much to me - I am so happy for you! If we learn nothing else from this experience, we should at least learn how to take care and love ourselves and appreciate our families. Everyday is precious  - we cannot get it back once tomorrow gets here!

 

Please take care and know you will forever be in my prayers!

 

Always,

 

Lida

LP,

 

I remember posting with you from the beginning...unbelievable how hard you were hit with w/d when you look at the 'short' amount of time you were on benzos.  Just goes to show how powerful these drug really are.

 

My mouth dropped wide open when I read what you said about your wife's doctor prescribing her K because she seemed a little edgy.  Borders on criminality, if it wasn't legal right?

 

I am so happy for you, and I really think in time you will be the workout boss again.  People continue healing beyond their success stories.

 

I have really enjoyed knowing you...I wish you all the best!

Congrads hun !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! so happy for you keep  :smitten: smiling

I'm glad to hear you're doing better. We interacted in a couple of posts and I kinda remember you being there in the beginning when I signed up with BB. I didn't know that you had taken the medicine for such a short time though. 8 weeks is nothing and it still messed you up pretty bad but I'm glad you got through it. I took this stuff for fifteen years and didn't even realize it was a problem until it came time to get off of it. Good luck and it's time for you to move on. This whole thing has been very difficult but I think it has taught me a lesson about the way I think and feel. I really appreciate my sanity now and I know what REAL anxiety feels like. Getting nervous is a walk in the park now. BTW... I work in NYC and it was good to know that someone else in the vicinity was going through hell too at the time. Lol !!!

 

Skippy/Steve

Congrats for making it through the maze and coming out the other end being able to help your wife too!  Amazing   

 

Popcornlady

Hi LP. Thanks for your encouraging shout out today!  I am a little behind you in time (benzo free end of April) and even shorter-term than you (26 days) but high-dosage C/Ts as you know.

 

I have a window today, the first in 3 weeks of a really strong wave and a few sx's remaining.

 

Am so happy you are healed LP and I hope I will be writing my own success story in the near future.

 

Angel xxx

LP -

 

Congrats on healing and thanks for posting your success story.  I have followed your progress and was excited to read that you are finished with all the symptoms, especially the head pressure that lingered (if I remember correctly).

 

Just curious - did you adhere to a specific diet or take any vitamins, etc. during withdrawal?  Did you drink anything with caffeine?

 

Once again, congrats on healing!

 

Rico

Hi Guys,

 

I can say that i was big on vitamins and fish oil but I cannot tell you if it helped. Once I started to feel better I would forget to take them anyway.

I drank a lot of water and walked a lot. Exercise would make my WD worse.  Walking always gave me what I needed.

I also took up photography which helped me focus on other things. The important thing is to focus elsewhere.

In the morning I would know if a day was going to be bad, so I would just say, burn thru this day and hope for a better one tomorrow.

On bad days, I listened to music, walked, thought of my children, photographed.

 

When i saw something beautiful, it reminded me that my mind was hurt but that beauty was still all around me, just my ability to appreciate was damaged.

So I would say to myself.. It's still there, force yourself to look...

 

I had my routine and you need a routine that helps you.  

 

Our bodies are going thru a lot and even when you heal, you still need to let your body adjust. I still get tired and just going through all of this will leave you a little blue some days BUT I am better...  And I will be damned if fighting so hard to get to this place and finally feeling better, I will allow myself to feel sorry for myself ...

 

Move fwd...

 

Lida , you da best!    

 

I want to keep in touch with you.

 

 

Edit: Removed personal information

 

Angel & Rico, email me as well. Would like to keep in touch.

Would love to LP. Is your email on view?

Sorry. Yes noted it before it gets renmoved!

 

Take care

 

Angel xx

@Skippy, a fellow New Yorker, lol  Its a true exp. to be in the hustle and bustle of NYC and feeling like crap... lol

Congratulations, LP! I remember seeing your posts when I first joined in June. Your story gives me hope!