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Hope for those still fighting


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It has been 17 months since my last benzo and I am totally healed.  Here is my story:

 

I went to detox because I did not know how to get off the pills. (They were initially prescribed for insomnia but I've never had trouble sleeping, I was just a night owl.)  When I asked my doctor for help, he advised me to just quit c/t which landed me in the ER three days later.  :idiot: 

So I sought the help of a team of "benzo experts" at a detox in Malibu, CA.  Their idea of a "taper" lasted less than two weeks. They sent me home in worse shape with a lot of money down the drain.

 

(If I had to do it over again, knowing what I know now, I would have done a slow taper from home.  But I am here to tell even those of you that c/t or went to detox that complete healing still happens for us, too!)  :yippee:

 

Without going into all the details, here are just some of the symptoms I had: severe insomnia, hallucinations (due to inability to fall asleep for 5 days straight), high BP, panic/anxiety, heart palpitations, constant fear/terror (for the first 6 weeks), restlessness and the need to constantly be moving my body, RLS at night, severe depression/apathy, loss of appetite resulting in weight loss causing me to be very skinny and frail, episodes of rage, moodiness, crying spells, sensitivity to light/sound/movement/smell, agoraphobia, hormonal changes, loss of balance, clumsiness, cog fog, fuzzy head feeling, muscle spasms, ice cold feet, burning torso/legs/face, temperature fluctuations, frequent urination, morning anxiety/stomach cramping/diarrhea, dp (I guess that's what it was, I would look in the mirror and not recognize my face), intolerance to being with or without people at the same time, paranoia...the list goes on.

 

There were three phases in my recovery: the first two months after rapid detox was insufferable with mostly the insomnia and extreme anxiety.  Month 3-9 were less intense physically but the mental symptoms are just indescribable.  For those of you with the mental stuff, you know what I'm talking about.  I was suicidal during that time and by the grace of God and this forum, I was able to just put one foot in front of the other and survive each day.  I had very little hope that I would ever be a normal person again.  I clung to the success stories and God.  I lived alone so BB and God were really my only support.  :angel:

 

I had to go back to work full time (at 5 months off) even though I was very sick.  I was to the point of losing my home.  Looking back the only way I could have made it through work each day was by God's strength.  I had to leave work several times a day and go to my car and cry.  I spent the rest of my free time in bed up until month 10.

 

The third phase was month 10-16.  I started having good and bad days.  By this point, though, I was so worn out from the battle that it was still rough going due to fatigue even though I was healing.

 

For those of you still recovering, we do heal.  I have no idea how it happened...it just does over time.  I have been completely med free for 17 months now.  I ate healthy and exercised, didn't smoke or drink or anything like that...but really, the only thing that is going to help is time. 

 

I plan to go back to private practice soon now that I am healthy.  I will specialize in psychotropic medication withdrawal syndrome.  My goal is to eventually open a clinic to help people with a slow taper, individual, family and group therapy.  It's unfortunate that there are no organizations like this already.

 

Thank you to Colin and Pam who were supportive of me throughout my entire recovery, the moderators here and other benzobuddies (many of whom have already healed and are no longer around this site) Leena, uwdawg, starbird, mbr, sigma, vertigo, saraann, helpme123, kmarie, kc lee, pangelingua, cupcake, dpete, and stoneyco are just a few of the old timers still around but truly the list goes on.  I am certain I missed many others.

 

Without a doubt, I am a better person for having endured this.  As long as you continue your taper, get off the benzos, and continue to put time in away from the drug, you WILL get better and eventually TOTALLY recover from this.  I know it doesn't feel like it in the midst of it, but it is true.

 

Hold on to that glimmer of hope and don't let go of it.  Life is golden on the other side.  :smitten:

 

Leslie

 

RIP Darrin "stepbystep"

 

 

 

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Leslie,

 

I remember you when I first joined.

I remember how sick you were and knowing that you are healed gives us all hope.

 

Hope you keep feeling better.

"Spinny ceiling fan with colours coming off it" LOL 

Night Swimming. ;)

 

Billy (Keryn)

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Leslie,

 

I remember you when I first joined.

I remember how sick you were and knowing that you are healed gives us all hope.

 

Hope you keep feeling better.

"Spinny ceiling fan with colours coming off it" LOL 

Night Swimming. ;)

 

Billy (Keryn)

 

Thank you so much l123 so much luck to you... All the best in your new life

thank you for you story you are the best

Luv

Mishi

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As a Detoxer myself, I want to thank you for giving us rapid w/d people this hope.  What a great thing you are going to do...and so desperately needed.  You will do great, no one understands more than someone who has been there.  I am sure many many people will benefit from your help and personal experience.  I wish you the best of everything!
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Dear Leslie,

 

As one who remembers the HARD, DARK days that you endured (so hard and dark that you felt very hopeless...and many of here were so worried about you), I am just thrilled that you are able today to write such an amazing success story!  Your story is going to encourage so many here on BB's and I am sure it will equally encourage your future patients.  Though I am very sad at all that you had to go through, I am glad that rising up out of that experience will be a tremendously competent AND compassionate psychotropic drug withdrawal therapist.  This is just tremendous news, to know that this is your goal and that you are going to turn what was "evil" into something very, very good (by the grace of God).  You have been such an encouragement to me in my journey here, particularly in those hard days following Darrin's death.

 

Congratulations!  (and I hope that practice will be here in Austin  :) )

 

Much love to you,

Leena :smitten:

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Leslie - so happy to read your Success Story - you have been such a help to me, always encouraging ....I know you will be a wonderful therapist and what a wonderful goal - wish I could help you accomplish it in some way.  I too remember your dark, suffering days and it is so wonderful to know that you are enjoying a light-filled life and reaching out to help others.  It really is the only way we survive - by talking with fellow sufferers and survivors, and we all know how much reading a success story like yours keeps us putting one foot in front of the other.  I am SO HAPPY for you!!!!! 

I'll be in touch. 

Lots of Love Hoping2BFree

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Leslie, thank you so much for writing your story  :yippee:

 

 

I'm so glad to hear that this journey is finally over for you and you have such noble goals set. So many things that you have posted here have helped me more than you know and I thank you for that.

 

Congratulation Leslie  :smitten:

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Hi Leslie,

 

Wow...  Thank you for taking the time to share your success story.  It certainly gives us hope!

 

Take care,

NYClady

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Thanks so much for writing your story. It is so nice to read success stories.  It gives us all hope that we will eventually be able to write our own. I have read your blog and am amazed at your recovery.  You suffered so much.  I am also glad to hear you are going to use your experience to help others going through this awful journey.  I am a social worker and would love to get involved with a program like that.  Maybe when I have finally recovered I can follow your example to help others also. Good luck! ;) 
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Oh, Leslie, what a wonderful post!  I am so glad you're feeling well these days.  Knowing what you went through and how you came out the other side gives hope to those of us still in the battle.  Thank you.  L., ~~mbr
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This is great news L :yippee:

 

I know things were rough for you but, at the sametime you also supported others, me included. Thank you. :)

 

This was so nice to read. :thumbsup:

 

Savor your victory!

 

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Hi Leslie.  You are one of the heroic warriors on the benzo journey.  I recall very well those dark days when you were in the height of withdrawal and all seemed so hopeless.  You truly battled some very tough situations (prospect of losing your home, going back to work and  more).  One of the things I recall is how you left one job when you were not feeling well but did not let that keep you down and found another job when you were able to do so, only a month or two later.  You must be very proud of how far you've come and not just by osmosis but also by your own fortitude and determination to not give up in the midst of some very strong withdrawal.  I am happy to read that you will one day have a private practice devoted to helping others who need help. 

 

All my best,

 

Vertigo

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Hello Leslie,

 

Thank you for giving while you suffered, for helping as you healed and for writing your success story.  There are so few success stories for those who quit cold turkey or do rapid tapers, I used to hunger for them.  We already feel set apart from others here who taper, we don't quite fit in, so you writing this story will give hope to the poor people who will follow in our footsteps.  Thank you.

 

Pam

 

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Leslie, thank you so much for sharing your story. I am SO happy to hear about your career aspirations!! It is something I am thinking about for myself later down the road as well. It is so, so needed, and I look forward to maybe hearing about how it goes?? I am so happy to hear that you are healed and doing well.

 

All the best to you-

 

Libby

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Congrats on being 100% healed - this made my day to be able to read such a positive story.  There aren't too many of these "completely healed without minor side effects" stories on this site.  Thanks so very much for sharing your story with everyone.  I hope you are able to get your new practice up and running, as it will make a tremendous difference in the lives of suffering benzo victims.
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I would like to add, those people that healed that I know, they have not bothered to post a story..why I don't know..and they ALL CT or rapid tapered. I can think of 10 off the top of my head, several that had blogs here!

 

They stayed off the boards because it frightened them, and when they recovered they never looked back..and I think a few were afraid to "jinx" it .

 

 

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Sigma (Keryn):  Yes, I remember those days well.  I'll need to listen to night swimming again.  And I definitely remember the night you were seeing those colors flying off your ceiling fan.  You've come so far in this and suffered well.  I wish you healing soon.  :smitten:

 

Mishi:  It was nice talking with you in chat.  I know you're having a rough time of it right now.  Keep coming to this forum for support.  Wonderful people here.  :)

 

Perseverance: I'm so glad I could offer hope to a fellow detoxer.  Oh my...don't we know how hellish that experience is.  I've enjoyed your humor in many of your posts about it.  Wouldn't recommend that route to anyone for benzo withdrawal.  So glad that's in the past! 

 

Leena:  Thanks for all your encouragement.  And, although I did not know Darrin in person, I am so grateful he had you for support in some of his darkest times.  And thank you for helping me through the loss.  It was a dark time, indeed.  I shudder to think of it.  On a lighter note, hopefully soon we can meet in Austin.  I will keep you posted.  ;)

 

Hoping2Bfree:  I am so glad I could offer you some hope.  You have struggled for way too long and I pray you have some relief and good solid recovery soon.  You deserve it.  Please keep in touch.  I know I will be reading your success story soon.  And I would love to have a whole bunch of good-hearted benzo withdrawal warriors along with me to help with this practice.  I know you will pay it forward when you are well.  You have a wonderful heart.  :angel:

 

Starbird: I'm so glad some of my posts have helped you somehow.  I remember last summer when we were both in the thick of it all.  Thanks for offering your time as senior moderator now.  It is much appreciated.  :thumbsup:

 

NYClady: It was nice talking with you in chat.  I'm glad my story can give you some hope.  Congrats on being benzo free.

 

Armslynd59: Social workers and therapist unite!  ;D

 

mbr:  Thank you.  I know how unrelenting the depression can be.  I wish you healing soon. 

 

BYBYMatrix: It's nice to know I was somehow able to support you, too.  As I said with Starbird, thank you for the time and dedication you take as Senior Moderator here.  I appreciate all you do.

 

Vertigo: ACTUALLY, that first job I took, I ended up getting fired!  I kept getting overwhelmed by every little thing and had to keep going in my office and crying.  I simply could not pull it together, my CNS was still way too fragile.  But I do remember you supporting me through that on my blog.  Thank you.  You, me and Leena...Austin BBQ??  :yippee:

 

Popcornlady11: Thank you.  I'm glad I could offer some hope.  Best wishes on your continued taper.  You're doing it the smart way.  ;)

 

Pamster:  Thanks for your encouragement always.  I do wish more people would post their success stories...especially us detoxers.  Thank you again for all your dedication to this site.  It's weird, when I first came here, many of the avatars scared me.  Your kitty avatar always made me feel safe.  It sounds silly to say that now...but it was true back then.  ::)

 

Libby: I will definitely come back here and update and let everyone know about the practice.  Maybe all us therapist/social workers need to get together and open up this non-profit clinic together!  Best wishes to you on your continued healing. 

 

Rico:  I'm glad my story gave you some encouragement.  I waited a couple months after full healing just to be sure I was totally recovered.  I think what happens is that the healing is so gradual and most people feel ready to consider themselves recovered when only a few mild symptoms remain.  It doesn't mean they don't go on to complete healing, too.  From all I have seen everyone eventually totally recovers.  :)

 

Cupcake:  Thank you.  We came here roughly the same time.  I know you have had some setbacks but you are a very strong woman with a strong faith.  I have no doubt you will be submitting a success story soon, too.  Thanks for gathering those who have healed and submitting success stories here on their behalf.  It's too bad some people were frightened away.  I knew I was healed when the confidence came back and I wasn't in fear of jinxing anything.  After awhile you just KNOW when it's over.  I'm looking forward to reading your recovery story.  :smitten:

 

Leslie

 

 

 

 

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Thank you. Leslie

 

 

One of the most inspiring stories here.

 

I went back and read your early posts and saw how much you suffered.

 

So happy you've healed & so grateful you shared your story.

 

Hugs,

Becca

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Awesome post Leslie!  Thanks for coming back and posting. I am right at 11 months off and mostly suffer from the mental s/x. The first 6 months were physical and mental (month 4/5--whew!); 7-10 were by far more mental than anything (what horror! what pain! what insecurity! what dread!). However, I have had a ton of good windows the last month and am feeling more normal than I have in years.  For the most part, I feel normal; I do have occasional setbacks and they seem to hit pretty hard when the come (but are shorter in duration usually).

 

Anyway, I too am going to open up a place where people can come and receive help; in fact, I am working on my Master's degree in counseling now (I had to change it over) and should graduate by the end of 2012. I am putting together information, etc. on the model and I know the Lord is going to bless it; He is bringing me through and I am going to help others find their way through this horrible experience too.

 

Blessings,

 

Sir William

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Vertigo: ACTUALLY, that first job I took, I ended up getting fired!  I kept getting overwhelmed by every little thing and had to keep going in my office and crying.  I simply could not pull it together, my CNS was still way too fragile.  But I do remember you supporting me through that on my blog.  Thank you.  You, me and Leena...Austin BBQ??   :yippee:

Leslie

 

Hi Leslie. I did recall that about that first job but was trying to be subtle about it in case you did not want to relive that on your success thread ;).  You have a great attitude about it and I really think it was remarkable how you handled that and got back on the horse and got another job so quickly.  Regarding Austin, I posted some of my fave Austin restaurants on Leena's blog. Sounds good about the bbq :).

 

V

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Thank you so much for sharing your success story with us Leslie ... it was so nice to meet you in chat and receive your empathy and encouragement to keep going.  With all my heart I want to do something too.  I don't have a "professional" label but do have lots of business experience including self-employment.  I have learnt alot in my 56 years and want to use this experience to help others.  I'm thinking of a low-cost residence where people could come and stay and be provided a bed, meals and 24 hour around the clock support.  I know that this is needed.  I told my pdoc when I chose to go off the drugs that in five years time I'm going to show other people how to do it too!!!  He was so mad !!!  LOL  It has been three years already and I have work to do but have learnt to take all things in stride and keep myself in balance as a priority.  The detox center I went to was set up in such a way that I would model it after them.  It was run by addicts and was the ideal place for me to be with the exception of them pushing drug treatment (rehab).  I have pulled off much bigger things than this in the past.  Any idea's from anyone are more than welcome.  I was excited to see that Sir William is putting in effort as well to see what he can do to help.  As the sickness leaves me the call to action is coming to the fore.  I'm proud to know you and others who are going to use this experience for the betterment of humanity.
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It was wonderful to read your success story Leslie.  Congratulations!!!  I suspect that you like so many of us that have come through this fight will have a greater appreciation for living, something that others take for granted.  Enjoy the rest of your life - you certainly earned it.  :thumbsup:

 

RV

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