The hardest thing I ever did

The celexa did not hurt or help. I was hoping it would help with my w/d anxiety. But it turned out that getting off the NSAIDs did the trick. I intended to stay on Celexa another month and slowly taper off, but I dropped dose for a few days and then just forgot to take it. No problem getting off the Celexa.

 

It defies logic that the SSRIs don't help, at least not the anxiety. If they helped, people would be getting on them in droves. There is just nothing to satisfy our ailing GABA receptors until they get better on their own. Although I've read that people who are withdrawing from benzos have low serotonin, dopamine and norepinephrine.

 

Now that I have been symptom free for about two months, I'm finding that I am sleeping amazingly well. Stopped taking OTC sleep aids about 3 weeks ago. Also, my mental acuity is returning. I actually feel as if I have a working brain again!!

Yram,

Thanks for the success story I am almost 13 months post taper and still suffering.  I had a turn for the worst at 11 months and started tapering my a/d 10 days ago and the things that were happening at the 11 month mark has started to go away so I'm thinking that was hindering my progress. It really helps to read the success stories and I'm glad you have your life back hopefully soon I will follow.

Hugs

Kmarie

hey y if u get a chance could u hit my blog?  phew tough morning; went to a yard sale - saw a rabbit in a small cage and it about tore me up; it did tear me  up.  now i am big time on the outside looking in.  feeel so lost and alone.  just crying;  i am so scared i will never feel like myself again.i'm really  scared and stuck xoxo

Pan, it's been a while! I will go check your blog I'm hopes you're much improved.

 

Had a big shot of benzo yesterday, versed, which was necessary for a medical procedure. All went well, no w/d. Must admit I enjoyed the sweet nap afterward.

 

Overall doing very well. Sleeping well which is a big plus. A little sensitive to stress. Still get edgy if I take NSAIDs.

 

Please know that no matter whether this moment is a window or a storm, you are getting closer and closer to full health. Hope is everything.

 

Thanks for sharing your story, yram!

 

fg

yram - geez i sure did pour my heart out to you on here over these past months.  i can use it now to see that my desperation has lessened;  thank goodness -i am so glad u r doing so well.  in my windows i am in awe of us - that we have been able to handle all of this...what a process.

thanks so much for being there yram.  that name will be remembered by me forever

 

:thumbsup: :thumbsup:

Update:

 

It took a few months after all the symptoms disappeared for my systems to really really work well again, notably sleeping and digesting. I am still sensitive to NSAIDs but very infrequently when I hurt like heck all over, such as today, I'll pop some advil in the daytime so that by night it's worn off. Aleve and celebrex seem to affect me the most.

 

Pan, I'm glad you are able to say that things are definitely getting better. I remind myself almost every day what things were like when I was suffering. The day I felt the worst, I think, was the day I went and scouted out the area where I had taken a 3-week job. I was terrified to think how I'd be able to perform in that role. But by the time the job started, my symptoms had vanished.

 

I was also very very relieved to discover that I could be given benzos (versed for colonoscopy), and not be thrown into a tailspin.

 

YOU WILL GET 100% BETTER.

 

You are so right!  This was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through.  Two natural child births were a picnic compared to this!  Glad your healed!  Life is good again!  It will be for every single one of us here!!!!  Stay strong everyone and your day will be here soon!

Putting things in perspective is a big part of tolerating the withdrawal. Nann66 you mention the two natural births that were easy by comparison. Ditto! I don't think many of us will encounter anything else in life that is harder than benzo withdrawal.

 

Even four plus months after my symptoms disappeared, I find my sleep is still improving. I compare each day now to a typical day last June or July when my w/d symptoms seemed to be getting worse, and I was scared out of my skull. It was nearly impossible to believe I would ever be OK again.

 

Time is healing, there are no shortcuts. The rewards are huge.

Congrats yram!! I've been through 4 kidney stone surgeries (unbelievable pain) but they still didn't suck nearly as bad as this w/d crap! Thanks for posting your story I love to see that people have healed and are out living life again!   

 

Sassy

I have been very lucky with the meds that have been used on me since my withdrawals have gone.  Nothing has kicked it back in so far.  I am having another surgery on the 22nd and I am free of the fears that I once had about the effects it might have on me.  Life is good even though new problems have arisen.  I have learned a great lesson during all of this.  Live life ONE DAY AT A TIME!  It's time for me to leave this forum and carry on.  Thank you all for every word that has been written here!  God Bless you all with the same healing that I have received.  Have a great New Year! 

this gives me hope - yes the perspective.  i think every minute "what can I do for God?" to get me out of me; there is a self centered in this that has me tizz-i-fied. 

 

here i am at month 6 and amped from morn til night;  odd; had restful nights before

 

plus so weak - does that get better?  i am so darn weak; every move is an effort most days

 

luv u; thanks for being there dear ones

Sassy

I hear ya on the kidney stones I've had 3 and would rather have those then this w/d any day of the week.

Hugs

Kristin

Thank you, yram!  Gives me hope.

Hi Pann, Nann, Kmarie, Roberr, Sassy

 

YES IT DOES GET BETTER. In fact, it all goes away!!

 

I am on vacation right now with my husband. My last vacation was in a virtual Paradise in the Caribbean but we bailed early because I was on that roller coaster of withdrawal without fully understanding what was going on, and I just had to go back home. On this vacation, I remind myself every day what hell it was, and how lucky I am to feel good again. How lucky that we are actually programmed (for the most part) to feel good, to return to that state even after the nightmare of benzos.

 

I do notice that when I am experiencing stress, I am more prone to anxiety . . . or perhaps I am more observant when I have anxiety. But because of the interminable days practicing dealing with anxiety that was out of control, I simply observe, with distance, my anxiety, rather than let myself be lost in it.

 

I still reflect back and wonder what my withdrawal had been like had I not been taking NSAIDs (which I discovered significantly aggravated my withdrawal). We're each different. Each withdrawal is different. The unpredictability absolutely sucks!

I love reading your updates.  Today I am trying to remember that fun-loving girl I was.  I know she is there, I just can't find her.  I want to cry for her, but no tears come.  Hope is all we have right now.  THANK YOU for giving that to us

Tina and everyone else still suffering,

 

When in withdrawal, hope is something we create from faith because in the moment there seems to be little or no evidence to base a positive outcome on.

 

Rarely do I not reflect on the bad times with gratitude that I made it.

 

My GABA receptors continue to be fragile. I imagine in time they will be as they were. But I have found, for instance, if I drink alcohol, the morning anxiety comes back. Who needs that!!??

 

Keep the faith.

thanks so much for your hope.  did u have a big slam before you felt better?  this past month - has been a toughie xoxo

Yes, it got worse before I got better. Confusing!

Until last year, the hardest thing I ever did was give birth to my first born. Now that's in 3rd place, followed by total knee replacement in 2nd place and benzo withdrawal in first place.

 

Derealization and depersonalization were not that difficult for me, but they made me feel like an alien in my own life and nearly destroyed my will to live.

 

In my opinion, HOPELESSNESS is a withdrawal symptom. In withdrawal, we don't feel like ourselves, the lives we knew seem to have vanished, and no one can tell us how long this will go on. I worried every day that my coping ability would not hold out. After I had passed the two month mark being benzo free and still suffering terribly with anxiety, DP, DR, insomnia, burning arms, crying spells, some lingering GI symptoms, tinnitus, etc., I made myself start accepting that I could be into it for a long time, possibly even 18 months. At that point I had suffered withdrawal symptoms for six months -- roughly two having interdose withdrawal without knowing it, two months tapering, and two months benzo free withdrawal.

 

Friends and family were sympathetic, but they could not understand, and most of them did not know what to do with me. I stayed to myself a lot. A saving grace was one friend who got together with me nearly every day to walk our dogs. She didn't understand, but she listened while I described what was happening to me without too much whining. Although he didn't understand, my husband was a rock star by taking care of day-to-day matters of our lives and the household.

 

This forum was a god-send. On one hand some of the things I read scared the holy c--p out of me. On the other hand, it was profoundly comforting to interact with people who understood. I needed that. I remember in particular one morning going on chat at 4 am after not sleeping most of the night. My withdrawal lifted while I was in chat. The moderators on this forum have been solid, and are to be commended for the integrity they maintain.

 

Big hugs and thanks go to LP, whose daily contact kept my head above water. He will always feel like family.

 

I turned out to be one of the lucky ones. Like you, I researched and researched my symptoms, benzo withdrawal, and the whole shooting match. Why not? I was not functioning well, and it gave me some purpose. I scrutinized everything I was taking or doing. When I researched side effects of the Celebrex I was taking for my osteoarthritis, I was amazed to learn on the website askapatient.com that people had suffered all my w/d symptoms as side effects to Celebrex. I tried switching to Aleve. I had a brief window before the suffering resumed. Then on July 19th I gave quitting Aleve a try. By the following Monday, ALL my withdrawal was GONE COMPLETELY. It turns out that NSAIDs can antagonize GABA receptors.

 

My joints, especially my total knee replacement, was very unhappy that I gave up NSAIDs. After three weeks I gently re-introduced them without any problem. I can drink alcohol again. It's as if I was Dorothy in Oz for six months, and now I'm back in Kansas without any noticeable change except for some wisdom I hadn't planned on.

 

My advice to you who are still on this difficult journey is to keep telling yourself that you WILL get through it. Be gentle and understanding with yourself. Your withdrawal symptoms do not signal that something is wrong with you. They are only telling you that your body is righting the ship. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. Remember who you were, and remind yourself every day that what's wrong with you is because of withdrawal. Therefore, do not "own" your w/d as being part of you, only as something happening to you. Invest a little creative energy imagining how you will celebrate your success. AND ABOVE ALL, nurture your HOPE, because HOPE can get us through anything.

 

Wow Yram very interesting story, I am glad you passed it, good for you and happy you did

........ I read this today and it lifted my spirits. I feel so horrible some times. I think I have interdose withdrawal from K and I think that makes it more difficult for me than for some others. I've always just seemed to burn through it and had symptoms show up before my next dose. In any case, this was a very well written and thought out work, and I thank you for it very much.

Glad to hear that you are doing better. I remember seeing your screen name (yram) along the way. I just posted my sucess story as well. Your subject line got my attention. I use that same terminology when I tell people about the withdrawal. It has been "The hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life". The sad part is that I usually get a blank stare in return because people just can't relate or understand. I'm getting more reluctant to even mention it. I guess I'm still hoping to find at least one person that can relate. Anyway... it's time to put this bad memory behind us. 

 

Steve

Skippy,

 

I know what you mean.  I've explained to others how hard it's been for me to come off of Klonopin, and most of them just can't relate.  I have found most of my help here on BenzoBuddies.

 

Wishing you well ...

 

fg

Being miserable in withdrawal made me reflect to the many people I'd known who had gone through a really really difficult experience. At the time, I could not truly understand what it felt like for them, and they didn't expect me too. But yet the important friends and family find a way to be with us through the veil of DP/DR and despite our separate world experiences.

 

I attended a lot of 12 step meetings and put the word out that I wanted to talk to someone who had withdrawn from benzos. I found one woman who came off valium so many years ago she couldn't remember the difficulty, and a man who was currently using ativan (recovering alcoholic) who was clueless except that he did know he was hooked. A friend had gotten off 6 months of klonopin with only a mild two week withdrawal. It is indeed a lonely experience for us.

 

I don't try to forget the nightmare, I try to recall it regularly. It keeps life in perspective.