Where were you at 2 1/2 months free??

How were you doing?

 

Some days I do ok. I am still rarely happy, I cannot even think of holding a job, I can only socialize for a few hours before burning out. I cannot hold conversations well at all, and I still act drunk all the time. The apathy and lethargy is out of control. I've had 2 windows, the first one lasted for only an hour, and the second lasted a few hours but that was it. They were both preceded by horrible waves. I want to hear other people's experiences at 2 1/2 months off because my nature is telling me that I should be feeling better.

 

Also, this was my journal entry in my progress log today, and I wanted to see if anyone could please offer me some advice around it. I'm really having a huge identity crisis. Sounds melodramatic, but it's so true:

 

The lethargy is still so bad. My brain feels like it's asleep all the time. I slur and mess up my words constantly. And I still have this major lethargy symptom of feeling like I can't even see straight. It's hell!

 

I cannot wait to start feeling better, but....... I am afraid to heal. I'm afraid to heal because what if all my symptoms from before come back, and I'm left with my usual emotional agony. What if I still cannot hold a job even after I heal? What if I still have depression that I cannot shake, and my only resort will be to go back to drugs? Then all this hope I have around "healing" will be wasted... because it would turn out I'm just naturally made to be miserable.  

 

I know it's unrealistic to expect everything to be perfect after all this is over, but I don't know what "normal" is (how much depression is normal? What do normal people do to get rid of it besides drugs??) I never learned these things!! So I'm sure when I'm healed from K, if I get depressed I'm going to think I'm defective again and want to go back to drugs!

I'm at two and a half months off and doing well.  Blurred vision is gone.  Body librations are gone.  Still feel a few burning sensations here and there.  Mornings are getting better.  Feel little nervous in the mornings.  No more anxiety, dizziness, lost lots of weight, gained a few pounds.  I'm not scared to leave the house.  Working full time job and going to school full time.  Every s/x I had is faded so much that its not really noticable at this point.  Only thing concerning now is hair still falling out ( not as much as before).  I am sorry you are still having problems.  I had a hard time after returning to work from a three week leave but thank goodness it is all fading away now.  Hope this helps you to keep going.     

2.5 months off I was a mess but started to improve soon after.

Hello Holly. Sorry your struggling. Remember healing is not a linear process at all with this drug. My process has been odd to say the least. 2 month taper that was nothing short of hell. Then magically had a window after my taper for a month and thought I was healed. Then the window slammed shut and the next two months were pretty rough and now I am in month 4. Things are much better than a month ago but I still have my days. I completely understand when you say that your nature is telling you that you should be better or further along in this process than you are. I fight that on a daily basis because my whole life I have always been a much faster healer than many people and I was hardly ever sick before I was on K.

 

As far as your journal entry I understand that all to well also. I still slur my words and I forget things constantly to the point of saying my name, my kids names, birthdays, phone numbers in my head to make sure Im not going insane.

 

My advice on how your feeling about healing, my grandfather use to say this to me and still does sometimes. Stop trying to build the roof before you build the foundation...lol... By nature I get ahead of myself all the time. I am thinking three steps ahead before I have thought through the step that is in front of me and that is what you are doing to yourself. Your thinking 12 steps ahead and causing yourself a lot of unnecessary stress and anxiety. Take a deep breath and focus your time and energy on the here and now and let those questions your asking your self be answered when that time comes.  

Hi Holly:

 

...my fellow horse person.  A few benzo recovery tips of solid truth for what/where you are now in your recovery:

 

- When people are in recovery, they have a lot of fears.  One is that they will never get better.  Another is that their symptoms are really what they are like - perhaps what they have always been like.  Both of these fears are stimulated by benzo withdrawal.  In other words they are the thought components of benzo withdrawal, just as insomnia is a physical component.

 

- Recovery from being an accidental addict to benzos is serious business.  It takes time for the central nervous system to heal and for neurotransmitters to stop being sensitive.  None of us had the faintest idea that this kind of situation lay in front of us.  So we are dealing with shock at what has happened as well as the real physical and mental/emotional symptoms of withdrawal.  

 

- Recovery is not linear, as it is with other illnesses or injuries.  If we cut our hands, we can actually see the cut heal and the pain diminish over time.  In benzo withdrawal we can be well one day and very sick the next.  This is normal and we have to look at our healing differently.

 

I am 4 months post benzo and it has "peaks and valleys" as Vertigo mentioned in one of his posts.  I am having longer windows and can see my somewhat slow recovery occurring.  Even during the setbacks we are healing.  I look back at some of my aggressive behavior very recently and know that it was driven by benzo withdrawal.   You will start firing those neurons again and feeling sharp.  I know I couldn't have been working either during this benzo ordeal.  I feel very blessed I didn't have to.  

 

Hang on -  better days are ahead for both of us.  

 

GBYB,

Rocko

Hi Holly,I am 9 weeks off tommorrow so close to where you are. I'm still having so many symptoms. For me the physical is sooo bad because i am used to being really active. So i also get fustrated because it hurts so much to do anything. That usually does a number on my mood and emotions. I don't know if i have true windows but yesterday for a while i felt a little better. I am trying to be less driven and accept that i will heal and am healing. So are you. Hang in there BB.

Holly - I'm two days shy of three months off Lorazepam.  Months two and three have been the most difficult for me, and I've seen others here make similar statements.  However, I am just now starting to see some of the symptoms weaken somewhat (anxiety, depression, awful thoughts).  Things will get better for you too.

 

Rocko - it was good to read your reply to Holly this morning - very reaffirming for me - thanks.  Really good to hear that you are having longer windows!

Rocko and Firefly - yes, both sets of comments very reaffirming.  Thanks so much.

 

Holly it does get easier with time.  It's such a rotten thing to go through at your age but you will look back at this one day soon as a bad experience you got through.

2 1/2 months off I was a mess, it's so early yet in the process.  I can clearly remember I was out partying doing things I shouldn't of been doing a.k.a drinking.  I know for the whole third month my brain felt as if it was on fire, sleeping was bad, I would cry sometimes because the pain was so intense.  Had depersonalization as well.  I completely understand about how hard it is to hold conversations with people.  I would force myself to go out with friends, and say things that mad no sense, or other ridiculous things because of all this.  I act like a completely different person, and I just gave all of the social things up for now because I can't do anything anymore like drink, or even speak properly.  Hopefully I get it all back sometime in my life lol, it def gets old after a while, and it's killing all my confidence!!!!!!

 

Seems like everything in life is intensified a million times more due to this, and the funny thing is that this is an invisible problem that no one believes.  

 

Hope your feeling better today, and it does get better.  I've been feeling better the last few days, but I know I'm no where near healed yet...

Hi Guys

 

Just bumping this one up...I'm at the 2 month mark.  I have seen huge improvement in certain areas.  Far less panic attacks (and I had horrible ones during my taper).  Intrusive thoughts aren't as bad either.  All and all there are MANY changes...for the better.

 

One thing I continue to struggle w/ though, are the GI issues.  I don't have my full appetite back, and when I DO eat, I often feel like I have to gag.  I'll have to breath through the eating.  Then there is the nausea.    I feel like it's driving me mad.  I don't have it every day, and when I do have it, it's not always horrible - sometimes just little waves here and there.  But on a day like today, I have a hard time deciding if I just have a stomach bug...which terrifies me beyond belief b/c I am SO fearful of vomiting, and haven't had a stomach bug in 8+ years.  My stomach is just turning and gurgling like crazy, and I KNOW this has happened many times before...but I find that every time I have a nasty wave, I SWEAR it's different from the last one...so I doubt myself.  Does anyone else feel this?  Like you know somewhere in the back of your mind you are just feeling what you felt last time you panicked...but you can't get yourself to fully believe it. 

 

Also, for those who experience a lot of nausea, when did it improve.  This was the one s/x I HOPED would be the first to go, but instead it's almost as though it's getting worse.  :'( :'( :'(

 

Not wanting to scare anyone, b/c many things have improved for me...but this one s/x does not want to let go at all...and it scares me and exhausts me. 

 

Hugs,

Schatje

2.5 months off I was still pretty raw and banged up.  I'll be at 4 months on Sat., and while I still have a ways to go I am so grateful to no longer be where I once was (6 weeks off was the absolute nadir).  I'm getting better, there is absolutely no doubt about it.

Hi Schatje

 

Glad to see things have started to improve for you.

 

I suffered terribly with nausea - I just checked my log which I have kept religiously.  I see that by the 3rd month my nausea had gone.  By the way I found that ginger root tablets helped a lot with that symptom. I agree that nausea and anxiety are the two symptoms I hope I will never see back.

 

Good luck with your healing.

 

Angel

Xx

 

 

 

sweet g and angel...those are just the words I needed to hear. 

 

Even if I'm not on the same route as you two, just knowing that things have eased up for you both makes me feel more calm.  I have had two really bad days recently and it has scared me a bit...now worrying I'll get worse suddenly.  I have ready so many talk about the "2-4 months" or "3-6 months' being horrendous...so I worry that's whats beginning for me now.  But I'll just embrace the good moments and hold on to the fact I'm still healing - and can at least see some improvement.

 

Angel, did your nausea just kind of disappear?  Or did it gradually get less intense.  I'm still surprised how intense it can be at 2 months off.  Ugh.

 

Love and hugs,

schatje

I was really sick at 2.5 months off. I C/T from .6 mgs of clonazapam. I had stopped hallucinating at that point but the intrusive thoughts and fears were bad. Really bad. Along with a host of other things.  Things are getting better in many ways now that I am pushing into month 4. Hang in there. 2 1/2 months off is still early in the healing game.

 

 

I'm at 2 1/2 months.  I'm currently experiencing about a week long window, preceeded by a 2-week wave from hell.  I'd like to think the window will continue, but every time I think that it gets slammed shut. Cautiously optimistic!  That being said, I'm much better than I was even a month ago.  Still very fatigued and depression is severe at times. More psychological than physical at this point.  Hang in there, Holly!

Hi again Schatje

 

I had the intense nausea for about 3 or 4 weeks solid - then it just went - I had the odd bout after that but not as intense.  Month 2 - 3 for me were not very nice.  Month 3 was better but not brilliant. Things started to get better for me when I was into Month 4.

 

You will get there Schatje

 

Kisses

Angel

At  2 1/2 months free i would in a pretty horrible place.  I believe myself and many people peak around the 3rd month mark (don't quote me on this).