Cry for help

I have not been posting lately because of the way I feel..... Very, very very anxious. I tapered a very low dose of Klonopin for 13 months. I jumped April 24th of this year. That makes me off of Benzos for a little over three months. Those three months have been treacherous for me. I came here for help. You welcomed and accepted me with opened arms.  I wanted to help others and I tried. I am not quite sure what to do. I have been on benzodiazepines for over forty years. The last 6 1/2 years on Klonopin. I was put on them for anxiety. My brain is always in an anxious mode so it fires faster when I get nervous or excited. No, I never had seizures.  Though out the years I heard how bad benzos were and many times I tried to quit but couldn't. Then last year, I gave it another try. I began a very slow taper and finally I was off. Next I survived the acute withdrawal part of the horror. ( I never have anxiety like that ) Since then, I have been trying very hard to remain optimistic by saying things will get better BUT..... I am now just existing. I still have anxiety, I still am agoraphobic, I am still very tensed and rigid, I really don't do much of anything because of the anxiety. My supportive husband does everything I should normally do but can't. I stopped being social. I HATE BEING ALONE. It is very lonely to look out the window and see the rest of the world living and I am so isolated because of anxiety. In all fairness, I do have a family issue concerning a son with a drinking problem which I want to help but can't

because I have my problem. Is my anxiety due to the family issue, is it due to withdrawal, or is it due to the anxiety I had even before the benzos that I physically can not overcome. When benzos helped my anxiety, I could help others but right now I'm unfit to help anyone.  Throughout the forty years, I never felt I had to

increase the low dose, I never had brain fog, I never had so many of the symptoms so many here speak of, that makes it hard for me to understand but I do believe you because they are anxiety symptoms. I had anxiety that occasionally brought anxiety symptoms. Klonopin helped. I never had to increase from my daily .5 mg. The occasional anxiety that came up under strenuous situations while on the medication was easier on my

body than the all the time anxiety that I am experiencing now. But I am getting confused because so many of you keep telling me to hang in there. Please BB, you mean well but when you are experiencing off the charts anxiety yourself and then telling me to be well, it is beginning to scare me. I really really really want to feel better without the benzodiazepines but I'm beginning to wonder if I really can. Some of you are taking other medications that are helping and I am still searching for a medication without some side effects that make me

scared to take it. After looking up the medications mentioned above, I'm scared there is none. Please help me figure this one out. What do you honestly think about your journey through this and what do you intend to do?

Hi Lucy - I don't know if I can help you or not.  I was on a small dose of Klonopin for 17 years for anxiety over a heart operation.  I didn't realize how addictive the drug was or I would have stopped long ago.  I was put on Neurontin in 2009 for back pain, it made me terribly depressed, I tried to get off it, the doctor told me there was no w/d from Neurontin so I thought I was going crazy.  Went to the hospital and they updosed my Klonopin to 1.5.  Cold-turkeyed me off the Neurontin and then was off the 1.5 K in 3 weeks.  Way too fast.  I reinstated back onto my small dose of .125K for two-three months - it didn't work anymore and so I started tapering.  I got down to .098K and then jumped.  I should have kept tapering, I guess.  But you did a slow 13 month taper and you are having anxiety as well. 

      My anxiety in w/d was off the wall - I am now 10.5 months free and I can tell you that it IS getting better.  It is taking a long time, I have no patience for this....I just want my life back.  But I have no choice but to keep going.  I have thought often, that it is just me and that I must need to be on the drug.  But somehow, with the help and encouragement of folks here on BB and my husband and daughter, I have stuck it out. I don't know how I did it....I am now getting more windows than ever, the waves are very cruel when they come and I still doubt that I will ever get better and that throws me into terrible depression.  But I hang onto the words of other folks here on BB that the doubts and scary thoughts are part of the withdrawal......I read the success stories here and on other sites, over and over....that is what gives me hope.  We must look to those who have gone before us and succeeded.  Be careful what you read on here as some of the stories are scary and overwhelming....try always to look for support and encouragement, even if you feel you are being a pest.  Sometimes I feel that way and then I just stay away from BB because I feel I am whining and there is just nothing anyone can say to me.  I am tired of hanging on...so tired of it...but it's all I can do and it's all you can do.....I don't know if anything I said has helped you, but you are not alone in this fight.  This is the fight of my life and I am too old to be doing this and just hope I get to have some life back before I die.  The folks on here are very supportive....keep writing to them.....

Love and Patience and Courage to you Lucy......  Hoping2BFree

I have not been posting lately because of the way I feel..... Very, very very anxious. I tapered a very low dose of Klonopin for 13 months. I jumped April 24th of this year. That makes me off of Benzos for a little over three months. Those three months have been treacherous for me. I came here for help. You welcomed and accepted me with opened arms.  I wanted to help others and I tried. I am not quite sure what to do. I have been on benzodiazepines for over forty years. The last 6 1/2 years on Klonopin. I was put on them for anxiety. My brain is always in an anxious mode so it fires faster when I get nervous or excited. No, I never had seizures.  Though out the years I heard how bad benzos were and many times I tried to quit but couldn't. Then last year, I gave it another try. I began a very slow taper and finally I was off. Next I survived the acute withdrawal part of the horror. ( I never have anxiety like that ) Since then, I have been trying very hard to remain optimistic by saying things will get better BUT..... I am now just existing. I still have anxiety, I still am agoraphobic, I am still very tensed and rigid, I really don't do much of anything because of the anxiety. My supportive husband does everything I should normally do but can't. I stopped being social. I HATE BEING ALONE. It is very lonely to look out the window and see the rest of the world living and I am so isolated because of anxiety. In all fairness, I do have a family issue concerning a son with a drinking problem which I want to help but can't

because I have my problem. Is my anxiety due to the family issue, is it due to withdrawal, or is it due to the anxiety I had even before the benzos that I physically can not overcome. When benzos helped my anxiety, I could help others but right now I'm unfit to help anyone.  Throughout the forty years, I never felt I had to

increase the low dose, I never had brain fog, I never had so many of the symptoms so many here speak of, that makes it hard for me to understand but I do believe you because they are anxiety symptoms. I had anxiety that occasionally brought anxiety symptoms. Klonopin helped. I never had to increase from my daily .5 mg. The occasional anxiety that came up under strenuous situations while on the medication was easier on my

body than the all the time anxiety that I am experiencing now. But I am getting confused because so many of you keep telling me to hang in there. Please BB, you mean well but when you are experiencing off the charts anxiety yourself and then telling me to be well, it is beginning to scare me. I really really really want to feel better without the benzodiazepines but I'm beginning to wonder if I really can. Some of you are taking other medications that are helping and I am still searching for a medication without some side effects that make me

scared to take it. After looking up the medications mentioned above, I'm scared there is none. Please help me figure this one out. What do you honestly think about your journey through this and what do you intend to do?

 

Lucy God, I hear you cry for help... I want to save you and reach out to you right now.. I hear the suffering from far.

 

I cry to you right now because I feel the pain from your heart..

 

I want to take it away from you right now.. I pray for you right now... I will continue to do that every night.

 

thinking of you right and and wishing so hard the anxiety goes away.

 

All of luv to you

Mishi

Lucy, stay strong.  You haven't been off that long.  My first 3 months off were horrible.  things are starting to slowly improve.    You can do this!  Linder

Hi Lucy, just dropping by to say hello and lend support.

 

When YOUR BB's say "all will be okay" it is because we have all been where you are and some of us still are! We speak from experience, have been in the thick of it and have survived. When I first joined the site, I researched the posts from members who joined when this site launched and I tracked their progress. There are long term users that have succesfully pulled through their struggles with symptoms I could not imagine having. What I discovered through reading all of the posts is that they all had determination - they turned the corner when they started looking forward to their new lives.

 

You will be okay. Things will get better if you believe it! When we give birth to certain words and emotions they start to live inside of us - they become us! Claim healing. Everytime you experience a symptom, know it will pass and that you will survive it.

 

Take care,

 

Lida

 

 

 

 

Hi Lucy, the problem with post benzo withdrawal is, it takes time !  I am 6 months clean and feel better than i did 3 months

ago but i am still way off from being like my old self. It is really hard but all i can do is keep going forward and i hope you

do the same.

 

Taking benzos for 40 years is an incredibly long time and it is going to take a while for things to settle down. 3 months is still

pretty early days. But what i do know is, as long as we do not take any more benzos we will heal and have our lives back, this is

a given 100 percent. Like i said, the only problem is it takes time.

 

You can get through this, you are a lot stronger than you think. Try to stay positive and not think about the future, just get through one day at a time, things will get better, just keep on fighting.

 

All the best, Kev x

Hi Lucy,

 

I'm a long term user too and it's been almost a year for me now. So many symptoms have left for the most part and the other symptoms I have have greatly decreased. The thing I keep thinking to myself is that - I took benzos for over 20 years so I figure I can't expect to be 'cured' in an instant. Three months is still a bit early considering the duration. I was a mess at three months off and I could never imagine that I would feel better, but I am and I continue to. Studies have indicated the 6 to 18 months is a reasonable time frame to expect to recover.

 

It will get better for you Lucy, it just takes a little time. 

 

 

Lucy, I know that feeling of loneliness. No one except here on the forum truly understands. Friends don't know what to do with us. We look out and see people enjoying themselves. We envy even people who are miserable because they aren't stricken with anxiety they have no control over.

 

It is a long and bumpy road, this withdrawal. I have 2 plus months and it's already been long and bumpy, and I'm braced for it possibly going many more months. Your brain has to fix its GABA receptors. The timeline is unknown for each of us.

 

Regarding your son, if he has a drinking problem and needs help, to be frank, we as parents have nothing to offer but our love. What he needs is AA, and he'll get there when he's ready. You can pray for his safety until he does.

 

I also feel helpless regarding my grown sons. I have had little interest in them because I'm so tied up with my own misery!

 

I now call myself an "addict" and attend open AA meetings because there's one every day in my area, and I get a lot of hope and strength and wisdom attending the meetings. On a bad day, it's something I can look forward to. I almost always leave meetings feeling much better. Otherwise, there's no support for us, we who have the worst withdrawals of all the addictions.

 

Keep reaching deep inside for inner strength, take it one day or one hour at a time, work on coping techniques, stay away from the scary benzo stories.

Lucy, I'm sorry that you are having such a tough time with your anxiety. I was on Xanax for over 8 years and did a cold turkey off of it. I had anxiety for probably 3-4 months, and this I think was due to my GABA receptors healing. I feel you really begin to heal after being off them. Be gentle to yourself. Another thing is, you are now experiencing feelings--- and the good news is you will be able to feel joy and happiness again too besides the anxiety.

 

I read a daily meditation book every morning it calms me and helps to redirect my thinking away from worries, and toward solutions. They have all different kinds in the book stores, you can go skim through them and see which one you like the best. It works wonders for me.

 

Also, I want to say that I went back on Xanax after 18 months off, and it is one of the biggest regrets of my life. Now I'm tapering off, thanks to finding BB.

 

Come here for support and comfort...we are all in this together.

Lucy,

 

I was about to lay down and try to calm down.

 

I seen your post and I cannot help but to have much compassion for you.

 

You are not alone in this.

 

Please hang in there.

 

I will write more later when I feel good.

 

Please take it easy, this is a nightmare!

 

 

 

Thank you for being here for my and giving me encouragement and support. It means a lot!

 

Dear Hope2be free, Your story heps and it reminds me not to give up. When I hear of others surviving their journey and reaching back for me it gives me reason to carry on. Your heart is pure and beautiful.

 

Dear Mishi, I know your story well. You have a lot of love to give. I. Pray your kids see what a great loving mom you are very very soon. The opposite of love is fear. Your kids are just afraid of what's happening. You tell everyone to be strong but you know something??? You are stronger than you think. You have a lot of BB friends. You are lovable.

 

Dear Linder, Three months have been eternity for me but thanks for telling me it hasn't been that long. It changes discouragement to encouragement. I you use the word horrific, another h-- word comes my my mind but with your help, I can think of hope.

 

Dear Lidaboo, My husband calls me the most negative thinker. I guess I am. Maybe with your help, I can change my choice of words. Will you help me work on that? You are in the worse time now and it is so encouraging to have you bethinking of others. Thanks for leading by example.

 

Dear Kev, Thanks for your encouragement also. If 40 years seem like an incredible LONG time what must you think of my age?   Just kidding!! I'm still young enough to work out on an elliptical machine and  a weight machine. I will give myself more time. Thanks for reminding me.

 

Dear Star, Thanks for being a model moderator and good friend. You have supported me in many posts and I thank you for not giving up on me. Now it's time I do the same. Thanks for everything. The journey has seem so long but so much easier to bear with friends at your side.    

 

THANK YOU ALL.  

 

 

Last night when I wrote my first post. I was in another BB blog ( or so I thought ) but somehow My post ended up in a blog of my own. I really don't know what happened but I'm thankful for all the help. Then my power on my iPad ran out so I had to quit. So sorry

 

Dear Yram, I try the meditation but I seem to be just too hyped up for it to do any good. The trouble with my son is not helping but since he lives with us, I can't avoid the situation.  You are doing the right thing by concentrating on you. Keep doing that. I was trying to help our son at the same time I was tapering and it was too much. With my anxiety being so high now, I am so afraid I'm need some medication for me to survive. I am taking it day by day but I don't know how much longer I can endure.

 

Dear Nicolette,

My anxiety is probably more pronounced because I have a physical need for a medication but what I can't understand is the severity of my anxiety is more intense than it was pre-benzos but I'm what I have to figure out is did I get worsen 40 plus years. You should have problem after withdrawal.. You are probably young and your determination will see you through. Keep on plugging in. Keep posting. BB are so caring. Thanks for being one of them for me.

 

Dear Sigma,

You didn't give up on me. Now I see you have serious stomach issues. Take care of you alone now and let us know how you are doing. I'm thinking of you.

Last night when I wrote my first post. I was in another BB blog ( or so I thought ) but somehow My post ended up in a blog of my own. I really don't know what happened but I'm thankful for all the help. Then my power on my iPad ran out so I had to quit. So sorry

 

Dear Yram, I try the meditation but I seem to be just too hyped up for it to do any good. The trouble with my son is not helping but since he lives with us, I can't avoid the situation.  You are doing the right thing by concentrating on you. Keep doing that. I was trying to help our son at the same time I was tapering and it was too much. With my anxiety being so high now, I am so afraid I'm need some medication for me to survive. I am taking it day by day but I don't know how much longer I can endure.

 

Dear Nicolette,

My anxiety is probably more pronounced because I have a physical need for a medication but what I can't understand is the severity of my anxiety is more intense than it was pre-benzos but I'm what I have to figure out is did I get worsen 40 plus years. You should have problem after withdrawal.. You are probably young and your determination will see you through. Keep on plugging in. Keep posting. BB are so caring. Thanks for being one of them for me.

 

Dear Sigma,

You didn't give up on me. Now I see you have serious stomach issues. Take care of you alone now and let us know how you are doing. I'm thinking of you.

 

Hi Lucy,

 

I sent you a PM to let you know I'd split your post from the other thread, and retitled it.  It didn't seem to fit where it was, and you appeared to need some extra support, I hope you're feeling better. 

 

Pam

Pamster, I just read your personal message and now understand why my post got to be where it is. I guess I put it where I did because I'm really scared I might need a medication and I wanted to know what safer and more appropriate choices I had. All the doctors, I see seem pretty h---bent on giving me medication and I'm starting to feel the pressure and feeling like I failed.