what do I do if it gets really bad?

The last couple days have been unbearable. I wake up and almost instantly start getting obsessive, ruminating, horrible thoughts. I don't know how to make it go away, except by taking xanax. All of my other coping techniques fail when it gets this bad. I am really afraid of it happening again. Should I go to urgent care? I was even thinking a psych ward, that's how bad it is. Like I have no idea what to do, it's pure torture.

You might benefit from some talk therapy, Freewaterfalljr, since you seem to know you are having obsessive, irrational thoughts but feel that you have no control over them.  A good therapist can help you develop some tools to use.  I used distractions a lot (mostly computer games requiring concentration) to keep my mind occupied.  I never felt like going to a psych ward, though.  I figured they just up my dose and I'd be back in the same fix further down the road. 

Try to go for a walk, sit outside, read a book, tidy up, talk to a friend, or anything that will get your mind off of the anxiety.  I used to worry that I would end up in a mental hospital due to my intense anxiety and depression when I was tapering, but, here I am, one year benzo-free and I'm doing great!!!  And with no need to visit a psych ward EVER!  Hold on tight, okay?  This will get better with time.

just .a note to say you are not alone.  it's been really bad for me a lot too.  i just keep telling myself i can get thru it - that i am getting thru it.  but it is terrible. sorry.  i know how you feel;  we are heroes for each day we get thru

I checked myself into a psych hospital because I was looking for any way out, for someone to care for me because I felt that I couldn't care for myself.  They put me on Remeron which helped, and it did help to be around people who were a lot worse off than me. It helped me stop some of my crazy fatalistic thoughts. Still, the only reason that I wanted to check in somewhere was that I was afraid that I was going crazy, and I wanted the relief of knowing that someone else would be taking care of me. The thing is, I never went crazy. I was totally fine to care for myself. The withdrawal wanted to convince me of that. It was a relief to give up control-- it took away some of the worries-- but it also adds worries to give up control because then you have someone else forcing you to take other medicines that you may or may not want to take.

 

The best thing to realize is that you are not losing your mind-- you just feel like it. Just make sure that your body is safe and then distract yourself the best that you can. Color with colored pencils, do easy sudoku, do easy crosswords/scrabble. It's just about letting time pass and knowing that the worst anxiety, panic will pass.

 

It's so hard. It really is. But you're gonna make it.