Open window day

Let me preface this by saying that I have used and abused Benzos for years. At my worse, I was taking, probably, 15 to 20 mg of Xanax per day. Additionally, when I finally started tapering myself down, I did not stick to the regimen as closely as I should have, often taking more in moments of weakness. I am only 10 days benzo free. Most of my days, recently, are spent either pacing madly or in the fetal position on the couch.

 

That being said, I am feeling strangely OK today. I still have a lot of the physical symptoms, but, hey, bring those on! I am NOT as anxious and depressed. The fog has deemed to NOT grace me with its presence today. I feel........OK! And I am probably jinxing myself here. I've heard about the days when the "window" opens a bit, offering a kind of emotional oasis in a desert of pain.

 

I posted this in the anxiety section, um, for lack of a better place (so, moderators, feel free to move it). Although, it might have some relevance here. I woke up this morning to the worst panic in a long time. The rush of adrenaline hit me like a punch. I knew at once the kind of day it was going to be. Then, I just repeated to myself that it was going to be OK. I said, repeatedly, "THIS IS NOT REAL." And, after a little while the panic seemed to subside a bit. It is now 1:30pm my time. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this feeling continues. I know it won't last indefinitly, but I'm going to try to enjoy it for as long as it's here.

 

 

 

 

Jafar, you make me jealous! I'd give anything for even an hour with an "open window." I CT on April 2, went back on for 3-1/2 days April 18, and resumed CT at noon on April 21. I'm now on my 19th benzo-free day since April 2 and I'd give anything for a few minutes of clarity. My thinking has been clear, but emotionally I am just totally anxious all the time and feel a buzzing in my head as if there's a low level of electricity going through and shorting out. All I can say is that I keep reading from the "old-timers" that we all cure at different rates and in different ways, so enjoy today and hope it stays like this. If not, know at least that you ARE healing and that if you've had one "open window" day that there will be more ahead. Hang in there -- and happy Easter!

 

Your amigo in the fog,

 

Jac

 

Thanks Jac, and happy easter back at you. I don't feel as good today, which means I'm probably cycling back around to withdrawal. Looking back on my post, I guess I sound kind of smug, but it was just such a relief to have that day relatively symptom-free. I hear this every time I try to get off of this crap, that benzo withdrawal is like a rollercoaster ride, with all its peaks and dips. This is only day 11 for me benzo-free, but it is the longest I have been off this stuff since I put that very first pill in my mouth more than 5 years ago. I guess, amidst the pain and angst, we need to focus on those little triumphs. Every day that you are off this stuff is another victory. Just take it day by day, and so will I. OK? And I'll be here to support you.

congrats on being benzo free.

 

Those windows are absolutely great.  Just remember them, they are important. 

Thank you wellness,

I will try to remember them when I am once again in the mire. 

jafar,

 

Congrats on your "Open Window"... 

 

 

S#

Thanks Jac, and happy easter back at you. I don't feel as good today, which means I'm probably cycling back around to withdrawal. Looking back on my post, I guess I sound kind of smug, but it was just such a relief to have that day relatively symptom-free. I hear this every time I try to get off of this crap, that benzo withdrawal is like a rollercoaster ride, with all its peaks and dips. This is only day 11 for me benzo-free, but it is the longest I have been off this stuff since I put that very first pill in my mouth more than 5 years ago. I guess, amidst the pain and angst, we need to focus on those little triumphs. Every day that you are off this stuff is another victory. Just take it day by day, and so will I. OK? And I'll be here to support you.

 

Hi Jafar, Jac, Al,

 

You don't sound smug at all, Jafar. You sound like someone who is thoughtful enough to share your joy (never believed there was much future in holding on to joy, not sharing it). I'm new here, but my sense is most people over here are really decent, very caring people. Just as we share joy, we share the load of one another's pain. This makes us uniquely human.

 

I'm coming up on my third month C/T from Xanax. I thought I'd only had one Window (lasted about a day), but my partner was reading my Detox Journal and alerted me to the fact that I had, indeed, had a handful of Windows, each lasting different periods of time. I was thrilled to reread my journal and discover he was right. The deal is, as was so aptly stated, we're all in the same fog and it is very difficult to see the complete reality of our own experience through that fog.

 

I, too, had a galoomphing panic attack this morning. Really harrrowing. But I put my Panic Buster techniques to work and it passed. You will be fine, Jafar, and you will have more Windows. Enjoy each one to the utmost; and always feel free to share. I am sure we all will with you. Best to all, MAJIKMAN

Thanks sigma and majikman for responding. MY panic-buster techniques didn't work as well this morning, at least, not for a while. I woke up and within thirty seconds my mind AND heart were racing. God, what an aweful feeling. No wonder I put off going to bed at night, staying up to the wee small hours. No wonder I was popping tranqs like tic-tacs for half a decade. Augh! I feel a tirade coming on so I'll quit writing now. Thanks all for your support.

14 days benzo free now. Still waking up every morning in a state of panic (I do not look forward to sleep anymore). It does eventually subside, but the agoraphobia and depression linger...all...day...long. 

Day 17 benzo free. Pardon my replies to my own post. I guess I'm just journaling at this point. The thing that is the most difficult thing to deal with right now (besides the morning panic, the agoraphobia, the feeling of complete and utter uselessness, having no sense of self, etc, etc, etc...) is the complete inability to relax. I am always so amped. When I was on the benzos, I was miserable, but at least I could achieve relaxation. God, I miss that. Fortunately, I don't miss it enough to ever get back on that shit.

Wow, 2 posts in one day! Again, forgive me, but I need to get this stuff out, and, in the mean time, if somebody feels like they want provide input to what I'm bitching about... feel free.

 

Right now, I am frustrated with those around me, namely, my family. I know, I know, God grant the serenity..... But nobody understands what I am going through. Nor will the people who claim that they love me take the time to research my condition. I tell them where to find on-line resources that discuss the benzo withdrawal syndrome: the Ashton Manual, Benzo-buddies, etc. I want to use words like "hellish" and "nightmarish" to discribe what I am experiencing, but I refrain. I want them to draw their own conclusions based on what they read, if they were to read it. But they still seem clueless and dismissive. They tell me things, like, "you need to get it together" and "go to a meeting (meaning AA or NA)." I have mentioned the latter of those two quotes on my other post in the chewing the fat section. Don't get me started. 

 

I'm sorry to ramble on like this, and I know I shouldn't expect anybody who has not gone through this to understand in the slightest. I feel like, if I live through this, which I'm pretty sure I will, that, not only will I NEVER be the same, but I will never have the same relationship with anybody close to me, ever again. This experience has forever plowed a permenent rift between me and my parents and siblings. Again, I know it is not their fault, but I can't help but feel angry toward them. Their ignorance feels like indifference!

jafar,

 

you are in the thick of it.  Anger is "normal" at this time.  I don't even try to explain to my family, what for?  What I do ask of them is to give me 6 to 18 months of healing, and I repeat this often.  They get that somehow and believe me.  When they ask me how I'm going and if I'm having a bad day, I'll say week 11, or week 12 etc.  Of course it does not mean anything to them, but even so, they get that.  Congrats on being benzo free.  The road may be a little bumpy for a while, but you are on the right side. 

Thanks wellness. I'm at 3 weeks today. Last few days have been rough. Agoraphobia (and pretty much an insanely irrational fear of....everything), has been the worst part. Plus that whole inability to relax thing.  Sucks to be us. 

Ok. I'm at one month today. Well, 4 weeks. Not TOO symptomatic. Morning panic has not been as intense the last few mornings. I am so anxious, bored, and restless, but too agoraphobic still to get out of the house for an extended period of time. It is still really hard to be around anybody.