8 months off, need support or help

Hi everyone. This is my first time posting. I’m so lost and struggling. That is beyond an understatement.

I am a 42 year old male, a father and husband.

Since being rapid tapered in a detox facility in July of 2022 I have been struggling horribly. I was taking .5-1mg of clonazepam daily, prescribed for sleep, for almost 20 years. I took it without thinking much about it, never abused. I had a pain pill issue that I decided to get help with and the facility said benzos are bad we will taper you off those as well. I agreed without understanding the severity of the idea.

I blame myself for not knowing more. I endure a horrendous acute phase while at the facility for a couple weeks, graduated the program and left. Once I got home things just kept getting worse.

 

Depression

Anxiety

Horrible insane insomnia

Cognitive issues

SI

Ear and balance issues

Pounding and clicking and fullness of ears and inner ear

Fear

Constant worry and uneasiness

Extreme Food sensitivity

Muscle loss

Weight loss

Skin issues

Hair issues

Crushing sadness

Self blame

Zero confidence

Etc etc etc…

 

I guess I just want to know that I can heal. I constantly feel like I’m not doing enough or I’m doing something wrong.  I struggle to just believe that this is because of the benzo w/d and not something that I had in me or something I have manifested and continue to make worse by not solving my problems. Constant confusion and insane stress about what to do for myself to help my situation.

 

I have been working but it is almost impossible and I feel near the end of my ability to do so. I have been to countless Drs, had blood tests, brain scans, mris, cat scans. Nothing. No one has even heard of this madness and it makes it all so so much worse.

 

Intake a couple vitamins as I am oppositely affected by everything I used to take. The only medication I take is 50mg of trazadone for sleep. And I get a few hours a night if I’m lucky.

 

I’m sorry that posted before I was finished.

 

I guess I just need to know what I’m experiencing can improve. Every day seems worse than the previous. Please feel free to offer anything.

 

Thank you all! I look forward to learning and healing, if that is possible.

 

Matt

Hi Robin,

 

I'm really sorry for what has been done to you.

 

Within this website, there is a section for people who finished their taper; you may find more people like you there. However in my opinion, I feel like you should be able to post here aswell.

 

As I am not Benzo free (but in a very good place), I am afraid I can't share any wisdom about post-withdrawal. There are some amazing initiatives and sources out there. There is a podcast called Benzofree, which I believe covers topics for after withdrawal.

 

Benzobuddies can be a great way to connect with others. Perhaps you can find someone as a Benzobuddie.

 

Wishing you all the best. Time does help heal.

 

Lots of love,

Naf1983

 

I’m sorry that posted before I was finished.

 

I guess I just need to know what I’m experiencing can improve. Every day seems worse than the previous. Please feel free to offer anything.

 

Thank you all! I look forward to learning and healing, if that is possible.

 

Matt

Hi Robin,

 

There is a guy who went through much the same as you.  He has a YouTube channel called Philosophical Fishing.  He is a great guy.  I have been in touch with him.  His name is Dan.

 

I know there is much support here on BB for those who are in your situation.  I am not in your situation, so I can't be of much support by way of knowing how this feels for you.  But, I do know that Dan has been to a detox facility, came off of many psych meds cold turkey, for all intents and purposes, and has a very uplifting story and outcome.  You may want to go to his channel.  He is also open to emails. He goes into much detail about the aftermath of the detox facility and what his recovery looked like.

 

The fact that you are still working is quite amazing to me.  Dan went back to work after 6 months.  I think you would benefit from his story along with the help you will receive on this site.  The more support the better.  Dan will also be offering coaching in the near future.  His approach is down to earth and he is incredibly kind.

 

I wish you much healing....as you are healing each and every day.  With each breath, your body is in the process of recovery.  And, I know you didn't anticipate coming off of the benzo, but I think it may have been a blessing in disguise.  But, that is my opinion...just knowing and experiencing what I have.  I know it does not feel that way right now.

 

Warmly,

F

 

 

Hi Robin,

 

There is a guy who went through much the same as you.  He has a YouTube channel called Philosophical Fishing.  He is a great guy.  I have been in touch with him.  His name is Dan.

 

I know there is much support here on BB for those who are in your situation.  I am not in your situation, so I can't be of much support by way of knowing how this feels for you.  But, I do know that Dan has been to a detox facility, came off of many psych meds cold turkey, for all intents and purposes, and has a very uplifting story and outcome.  You may want to go to his channel.  He is also open to emails. He goes into much detail about the aftermath of the detox facility and what his recovery looked like.

 

The fact that you are still working is quite amazing to me.  Dan went back to work after 6 months.  I think you would benefit from his story along with the help you will receive on this site.  The more support the better.  Dan will also be offering coaching in the near future.  His approach is down to earth and he is incredibly kind.

 

I wish you much healing....as you are healing each and every day.  With each breath, your body is in the process of recovery.  And, I know you didn't anticipate coming off of the benzo, but I think it may have been a blessing in disguise.  But, that is my opinion...just knowing and experiencing what I have.  I know it does not feel that way right now.

 

Warmly,

F

 

So sorry you are going through this difficult time. Angela Peacock is an additional resource if you want to speak with someone about what you are going through who has been there. She is an MSW and drug withdrawal coach. She was CT'd overnight off of 10 psych meds in a psych hospital and went through benzo hell after slow tapering off of eight more psych drugs.

 

Jason Anthony and Dr. Jenn Leigh have some good YouTube videos on benzo recovery.

 

We all just have to hang in there I guess.

Sorry to hear that you are going thru this hellish situation.  I understand somewhat?  While I don't have a problem with the same drug clonazepam, I've been taking a small dose of Lorazepam, nightly for 13 years, and like you, I never thought about it, would take it every night, and I would sleep nicely.  Never craved more, nor did I increase my dosage over the years, in fact I even went down.  My doctor had no problem prescribing them over the years, but just before he retired, he pulled the carpet from under my feet telling me I don't need them anymore? I wasn't too happy about that, so figured okay, I was only on a small dose, so I won't have trouble coming off, well i slowly tapered myself off to mere crumbs,  to my surprise I still got symptoms of withdrawal.  I have been fighting it ever since.  I am now off a 118 days or 4 months, and I expected to sleep by now, I think if I  slept, then I would feel better in so many other areas, but no, the worst symptom for me is insomnia, now out of no where I have memory loss and thinking maybe my lack of sleep is causing it?  I hope that you are able to get  some good sleep real soon?  Maybe that's the answer for both of us?  Wish u the best!

Today is my first day here. Trying to understand this site. Hoping you get this,,, I’m experiencing the same horrors as you. I need help with heart pounding and others.  For now be positive,,, seek comfort from your wife and family. It’s terribly hard, do different things. Be calm…..

Hi there,

I'm at about seven months post-jump. Today I'm in an awful wave, but for a few days I was decent. Decent being not feeling great but I could still laugh at something funny, which wasn't the case a month ago.

 

I can see you're in a tough place and believe it or not, I get it 100%. Now let me tell you what I've learned. First, our poor sick benzo brains somehow turn on us and we go to a place of deep shame and despair. For me it was virtually impossible to believe in any light on earth. Everything seemed to be heading in a dreadful direction. When I heard someone's 'good news' all I could see were the pitfalls ahead of them, and felt sure they'd fall into them all.

 

The benzos lie to us and tell us horrible 'truths' that aren't true at all. I've learned (although I'm not always able to do it) to disengage my brain from that stuff. I can't really fight it so I step away and distract myself with what ever will actually distract me! TV, gardening, chores, whatever.

 

I keep a list of things to do. I make the list when I'm feeling better, knowing when I'm not feeling better I won't be able to find anything worth putting down. I use that list also for things I can do for others; a kindness here, a letter there, a gift somewhere else, anything.

 

You've actually made it through the hardest part. NOT saying you don't have strains and stresses and difficulties ahead, but you've made it well into the healing process, which impresses the heck out of me. I had a LOT of support, or I wouldn't have made it. You're the head of your home and I'm guessing it's a weight and a blessing at the same time. You're strong. You'll make it! You've already done so, so much.