Goodbye Xanax, Hello Personal Hell

Hi everyone. I'm going to try to do this after being a member for 2 months. Thank you all for sharing what you're going through. I don't know what I'm doing or if what I wrote even makes sense. This brain fog is getting worse at times. It has been almost 4 months since I jumped, and things are getting worse which I didn't think was possible. I am looking for someone to talk to. I've never felt so alone.

My right eye is dry and swollen. My eyes don't water properly when I cry. I have been having pain in my parotid gland when I eat and even think about food. My CT results from October 3rd show a nodule on the right lobe of my thyroid gland, a stone in the left parotid gland, swollen scattered lymph nodes, and spondylosis in my neck. I was only getting it done for a salivary gland issue, but they found all of this wrong. My right side salivary gland area occasionally hurts when I eat. This issue has happened a few times in the past 15 years for a few days, but never for 4 months straight. GP is going to test for Sjogren's. I hate the not knowing why all of this is happening to me. I've never been more scared. All of my symptoms point to an autoimmune disease or cancer. I went to the hospital for my salivary gland issue 11 days into jumping and they sent me home, diagnosing me as still going through withdrawal even though my white blood count was high. Somehow xanax was still in my system after taking the last one 11 days before. I have never been so scared in my life to go to the hospital and then be pushed away. I now know I do have something seriously wrong other than withdrawal, and have since before going to the hospital on July 25th. It's been happening ever since I started my taper the last week of June. I have been a type one diabetic for the past 22 years. My sugar levels have been all over the place, really low then really high. I can't stop crying and when I cry, my left salivary gland gets a little swollen. It's painful, uncomfortable, and scary. When I eat my ear, jaw, and cheek start to hurt. When I move my neck, head, and face it feels as though fluid is moving around in my left inner ear.

My pain has been worse than it was while being prescribed percocet for 18 years. I told my GP that I needed something for the chronic pain I've been in from herniated and slipped discs, a pinched nerve in my neck, 3 in my lower back, and from the growth plate in my left knee being fractured from when I was hit walking across the street in '95, rear ended 5 times and in a car accident in '97 where someone hit us head on. I know, I have the worst luck. All he did was give me a referral for pain management. Now I've been breaking up what I have left of my last percocet prescription and taking that. I am in excruciating pain trying to deal with it myself as it feels like no one can or wants to help. Before I go to pain management, it says I can't take Ibuprofen for 3 days before a pain management appointment. I have pain in my shoulder and arm that is more severe than the chronic pain I have in my neck, back, and left knee. When I move my neck, cough, and breathe the pain goes down my arm, shoulder and back.

I've been extremely depressed, anxious, sad, and lost. I've been on 2 antidepressants since 2005. I'm having a really hard time dealing with the fact that being prescribed xanax for over 16 years messed my entire body and mind up. I feel like I'm never going to go back to feeling ok. I've never felt this way before. I reached out to my new GP over 6 days ago. It was read twice by staff and I haven't heard back. I feel so alone and scared. No one can help me. I have too much wrong with me. I'm having an incredibly hard time dealing with the fact that I have things wrong with me other than the hell I'm in from xanax withdrawal.

I already feel horrible that I now realize that I missed out on over 16 years of special moments, making memories, and so many other things and now they found other things wrong and I feel as though I can't function at all outside of my house. I keep having brain fog where I can't even complete a sentence, let alone interact with people. I was so scared when the pandemic started that I didn't even leave the house other than to go to the doctor and necessary places for some time, and this was while I was still taking xanax. Now I don't want to leave the house, not just because of the pandemic, but because I can't function properly anymore. I know from reading other posts, that because of the duration and amount I was prescribed, I have a long way to go.

I do not want to go back on a benzo, but I feel as if buspirone is not helping, at all. I really feel as though I should not have done the 3 week rapid taper and then jumped. I should have done it slowly. I was so scared that I was going to die if I stopped taking them, and didn't know how long it would take to find a new GP/Therapist/Pain Management so I did what I thought I needed to do. DON'T DO THIS!

No one understands what I am going through when I try to talk to them about it. People say "you'll be fine" or something of that sort. I feel like medical professionals don't understand because of the amount of years I was prescribed xanax. I'm on buspirone now, but it's not really helping. It seems like everyone I try to talk to about what I am going through judges me once they find out that I was prescribed xanax for over 16 years along with percocet for over 18 years. Mainly the close family and friends that I never let know before about being prescribed them. Now they have to know, because of the withdrawal, I can't even show up for most family events. When I can go, it feels like my husband's family thinks so differently of me now. I feel like they judge me. It is so depressing, frustrating, and scary. I don't ever want to take xanax or any benzo ever again.

Most severe withdrawal sx at 3 months 25 days:

All of my clothes are bigger, you can see it in my face too, but it doesn't show that extreme of a weight loss on the scale.

Right calf burns

Skin is dry, red, and itchy

Hair is falling out, turned white, changed color and texture

Gums and teeth are sensitive and hurt

Palpitations

Menstrual irregularities

Chronic pain worse than ever

Rapid, extreme blood sugar fluctuations

Burning tongue

Agoraphobia

Paranoia

Hard time swallowing

Tinnitus in left ear

Mornings are especially horrible, I can't stop crying.

I don't recognize myself anymore when I look in the mirror.

Sounds, smells, and touch are extremely heightened. Having a hard time seeing up close now. I already wear glasses for distance.

Loud sounds are unbearable. So hard to deal with when my husband is a mechanic and fixes things in the garage.

The nerves in the right side of my face hurt and prickle where I had plastic surgery from my accident in '95.

Head, ears, bridge of nose feel so much pressure. It feels like fluid is moving around in my left inner ear.

Thank you for reading my story.

Oops

I started writing this before I had an increase in my chronic pain and realized I had contradicted myself in my post. I had jumped from both xanax and percocet on July 14, 2022. I started taking my pain medicine again on October 22nd. The problems I'm having are mainly from rapid 3 week taper xanax withdrawal and health problems. I think my c/t brought out dormant conditions.

I understand what you are feeling.  You did do a pretty rapid taper in my opinion.

Someone once told me “there is no future in looking at the past”, you have to look forward.  The good news is you have made the jump.  What you are experiencing is your body adjusting to not having the drug. I guess you could look at is as healing.

I am 16 months post, and I am feeling 90 percent better than I did just after discontinuing the drug.  Unfortunately it is a process we all have to go through.  Are you missing out on life?  Absolutely!  But know that this will end, you will recover enough to have a decent life.  It is a slow process, but day by day things will improve.  You will have times when it may seem worse, but shortly after you will feel much, much better.

There is a light at the end of all this.  I’m sorry you are suffering, please know I completely understand and feel your pain.  There are many here experiencing the same, we are all on the same journey.  You have support here.

Today you are one day closer to a full recovery!!

Hang in there!

I don’t think I’ve seen anyone mention this, but it’s just something I’ve noticed over time on this forum. Most of the people who think that what they’re typing doesn’t make sense, actually are some of the most legible and sane sounding people. I think that is testament to how much these medications can mess with you. What you think you sound like, and what you actually sound like, are entirely different. Everything you typed made sense and I understand entirely what you’re going through.

The hardest part for me was the chemical anxiety and the fact that I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. I didn’t have anyone outside of this forum who understood what I was coping with. I had people who supported me, but never truly knew what I was suffering with. I really hope things get better for you. All of what you described sounds like withdrawal symptoms. I know that my chronic back pain returned with a fiery vengeance when I was off the meds. It was such bad pain that standing was just not an option.