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Healing is Happening - Hope for those in a Taper


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Just a quick note of encouragement for all of us. :)  First of all - I want to thank so many people who linger here on behalf of those of us who have had or are having a tough time.  They are saints. They aren't paid - and they spend SO much time writing and encouraging us over and over again. Since I've been on these boards about 6 weeks now, I've seen how it works - and for those of you that are already healed or almost healed and are spending time here supporting other people - you rock. And thank you. :)  I know you know who you are - and you deserve every good thing for volunteering to help others.

 

It's been almost 5 weeks for me - and while I can tell I still have subtle deficits, I CAN report big healing is taking place in my memory, attention, awareness, sleep, mood, ability to laugh at things that are actually funny (and to understand the joke!) - and just reclaiming my own personality. Even during the subtle cog fog here and there, I can tell that even that has improved. I can now almost not tell a difference between a "hard day" and  window.  The window feels great - but even the off days now are starting to feel subtly okay.  It's a slow improvement that isn't obvious until I look back and realize how hard it WAS.

 

5 weeks ago, I jumped.  My toughest symptoms were 2-3 weeks after that. But now, 5 weeks out, I really am beginning to feel like my "old self" - only this "self" is not who I was. I'm wiser, even more thankful for just being "normal" (I'll never complain of being bored again!) and I appreciate things on a whole new level.  It makes doign things like "losing weight" and putting forth effort towards certain goals SO easy compared to the lack of control felt in withdrawal.  How many times did I say - if I could JUST feel like myself, I'd do _____ in a way I never thought of before.  Well - while I'm sure I'm not 100% yet, I'm to that point where I'm starting to not be able to tel that I'm "off" anymore - and that makes me so excited to do some of those things!  Today,for instance, I'm going to buy ALL new clothes! When I say "reinvent myself", I'm not kidding!  We deserve medals for getting through this stuff!

 

I hope that even though I guess I can't say I'm 100% healed, even if I stayed HERE, I'd be happy.  And I know it's only going to improve.  :)  It does get MUCH better.  I can barely remember much from my taper - just had no memory to reallly work with.  I know it was hard, but I can't quite remember how it was hard if that makes much sense.  At any rate, I'm connecting with myself again - and it feels so safe.  It gets better.  And it doesn't HAVE to take a long long time.  There is a point in time where "enough healed" feels great.  And it can be closer than you think!

 

Finally, I want to say that while I had trouble sleeping for the first few days after my jump, I haven't had insomnia yet.  Some days I have been sleeping even longer than normal - which maybe is helping me heal? I did take an OTC sleep aid 1/2 of one) and that helped just with my security in sleeping. I'm not sure. I don't know if insomnia is in my future, but so far so good.  I can remember Ashton saying in her manual that you don't have to expect to get ALL the symptoms - and that might be true.  I know I have a way to go until I'm fully healed, but I won't get all the symptoms. You won't either. :)  And by the way, some of the symptoms - like extreme tingling - I only got for like 4 minutes one day! :)  So - "getting" a symptom during healing does not mean you are doomed to have it forever.  It can be one time - and it is NOT a predictor of bad days to come. That was hard to know for sure - and I worried about it.  But some things just never came back -and may never. :)

 

Anyhow - like I said, I'm not 100% - but I am SO much better.  If you're feeling realy, really bad - just know that it can change literaly - in a number of days.  There was a time I felt almost suicidal - that's how depressed I felt for those hours and moments one day after another. And then one day, I just didn't cry AS much as the day before - and the next day was the same - until one day, I just realized, hey - I haven't cried in like a week.    And it all passed.  It will all pass, for all of us. 

 

Our bodies DO know how to heal.  It can just take a while. I know some of us have a tough time and with different symptoms for quite some time.  I'm sure it will take a number of months to be 100%, but there is a time that will come sooner than you think, where we will find 80% to feel pretty darn good in comparison to what it WAS!  Like I said, I can't say I'm 100% - I still have tinitus and some bright lights, etc., but things are getting so much better!I used to worry about the posts that said "I'm only at 90%" - but I now understand those.  It's not something to fear.  At least for me, 80% or so feels really great! I can handle the subtle issues while I wait to heal.  It's better than it was - and that makes me KNOW I'm healing - which is so positive.And maybe just being able to "dwell on" subtle improvements is a healthy psychological thing we can do to help ourselves.  Healing is happening. For all of us.  Even when we can't feel it - time is passing and the brain is doing its thing.  Hang in there. 

 

Thank you to everyone who spends their time being a support to others  That is just wonderful. :)

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BTW, please don't let all the subtle typos and weird sentences in this last post scare anyone into thinking "She doesn't even know she's not all there." :)  I dont' know why, but in my browser window, when I'm typing a post, after the first 5 lines of type, the window "hides" what I'm typing.  So - I'm actually typing blind.  If you see continuity and spelling issues - just know that it's not post-withdrawal syndrome.  I may have OTHER issues, but I can actually compose a sentence. LOL  :laugh:
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.... but in my browser window, when I'm typing a post, after the first 5 lines of type, the window "hides" what I'm typing.  So - I'm actually typing blind. .

 

Yes, I have the same problem, so if I'm trying to put up a long post, I type it into a Word or WordPad document, then copy/paste it into the forum window.

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.... but in my browser window, when I'm typing a post, after the first 5 lines of type, the window "hides" what I'm typing.  So - I'm actually typing blind. .

 

Yes, I have the same problem, so if I'm trying to put up a long post, I type it into a Word or WordPad document, then copy/paste it into the forum window.

 

If you'll switch to Firefox as your browser for BenzoBuddies, you can eliminate this problem.  ;)  For some reason, IE8 doesn't work well here.

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Meredith - thanks for the very thoughtful, encouraging post.  You are right on many counts, and first among them is how great the folks here are on encouragement - very unconditional and reliable.  I know that more than a few times (since I signed on here in December) a kind word and encouragement has helped me beyond measure from these folks.

 

Your story is also inspiring to me, as I'm just past two week from jump off, and am working through some anxiety and depression.  I am so hopeful to be as you are, getting better every day......

 

Thanks for taking the time to post that. I really appreciated it.

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Hey there ReadyTBW, :)

 

Hang in there!  I won't lie. There were some very hard moments for me (and maybe NOT you) - after my jump.  The depression hit me so hard on some days that I just couldn't even describe the hurt.  It was a deep mind hurt.  I felt like those commercials you see -- "depression hurts EVERYWHERE!"  But that inevitably led to a LOT of crying  when I just felt I couldn't take that pain anymore.  And the crying ALWAYS made me feel better in that moment.  Later that day, it may hit again - and I'd cry again. At this point, when I feel I have to cry - I have learned not to look at that as a sign that I'm NOT healing - or that something is really wrong. I've learned to look at it as a healthy sign that I AM healing.  Crying is a way that the brain releases toxins as well as induces endorphins and calming hormones.  There were even times that I felt I probably needed to cry and just couldn't. Inevitably, I'd start talking to my husband or my mom about how terrible I felt - and through the talking, I'd begin to cry.  That always felt just so much better.

I say this because IF you feel this way, it is nothing to be scared of. It will pass.  I still have times in my week where I do cry - or feel moody.  But they are typically just for a few minutes (a wave) - and nothing like depression. (More like PMS) :)  Just know that your brain's hormones are in flux and while it can feel so uncertain and not like you USED to be - it's normal - and a sign that healing is taking place.

Lots of love to you - and CONGRATULATIONS!!! You are almost done!!!  And you are closer to putting this all behind you every minute. Do not fear what is to come - because you are going to heal and leave these drugs behind!

:)Meredith

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Oh - duh. :) Sorry ReadyTBW - I just realized you ARE benzo-free (I thought you meant you were 2 weeks from jumping.) :)  Well- congratulations then!  :yippee:  The depression is not permanant.  It can't hurt you.  It can only do as much as it is doing RIGHT NOW.  And it will pass.  It will pass. Hang in there.  You are healing in every moment.
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Thanks, Meredith!  What a wonderful, encouraging note!  I appreciated it.  I did have some really low moments this week with both this and PMS.  I even bought cigarettes and smoked this week - I've been long over smoking, quit years ago,  but it somehow comforted me.  Didn't comfort my husband, however - he was unthrilled.  :tickedoff:  But I'm feeling better today and with support like you passed along, I doubt I will buy a 2nd pack....

 

Benzos should come with a warning label, like the "black box" label on AD now.  It's unreal.

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I've got to say that with so many people talking about having so many problems so far out from jumping it's really a relief to hear someone feeling so happy with things after 5 weeks.  I may be able to do the math that people without problems aren't posting and the people who still having problems are, but it's just nice to see a post where someone's feeling so much better after 5 weeks.  I'm going to be there, soon, myself.  Thanks.

 

:)

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