I feel so lonely

This drug took away so much from me, but most of all I lost a lot of friends, my brother no longer speaks to me, my mother rarely calls me, I have no partner and my daughter went to live with her father.

I don't have any capacity to try to date while I'm in this situation, so I never get held or hugged or cuddled.

I live alone and I am going through this taper with all the sadness, anxiety, fear, self doubt, shame alone every day.

I try to be strong and say to myself that if those people left me while I'm down at my lowest point, then I should let them go.

But some days I feel the deepest loneliness. And that makes me question my worth or reason to exist.

These past few day have felt intensely lonely and I guess I just wanted to tell someone.

xJen

Jenny, you are not alone. We are all here to support you.

When you are recovered, you will bursting with so much life that you will have too many friends and your daughter will be close again I’m sure.

I have lost friends too, they don’t know what to say or how to help.

These feelings are temporary. I sometimes feel that I don’t actually belong to the human race because no normal human would think or feel like this. It can be terrifying.

I’m glad you can share these feelings. Keep us posted how you’re getting on, you are so worth it.

Hardy x

You are helping so many others with your compassionate posts. Thank you x

Sending a hug your way 

This drug took away so much from me, but most of all I lost a lot of friends, my brother no longer speaks to me, my mother rarely calls me, I have no partner and my daughter went to live with her father.

I don't have any capacity to try to date while I'm in this situation, so I never get held or hugged or cuddled.

I live alone and I am going through this taper with all the sadness, anxiety, fear, self doubt, shame alone every day.

I try to be strong and say to myself that if those people left me while I'm down at my lowest point, then I should let them go.

But some days I feel the deepest loneliness. And that makes me question my worth or reason to exist.

These past few day have felt intensely lonely and I guess I just wanted to tell someone.

xJen

 

I have read some of your posts and you are so kind. You are not alone! I'm so sorry you are feeling that way. This will pass. One day at a time.

Most of us feel lonely going through this even though we're surrounded by loved ones, this is what the drug does to us, it isolates us and cuts us off from the connection with ourselves and others.  Your situation is compounded by the fact that you are alone, I'm so sorry.

 

I'm so glad you reached out to tell us how you're feeling, even though we're only strangers on the internet, we understand and we care about you.  Please keep talking to us, this is what we're here for, to help people like you feel less alone.  Another thing we can offer is hope, hope for recovery even though your mind is telling you there is none. 

 

You have worth and when you recover you'll know that this time in your life was critical for you to make changes that have probably needed to happen for awhile but when we're flat lining through life on the drug, we can't see it.  These people who are gone from your life probably needed to go and when you recover you'll know that even though they left you, it was time for you to get away from them and they did you a favor.

 

Your daughter, once you're well again will see a mom who is present, who is ready and able to step into that role again and hopefully she'll welcome you back into her life.  I have faith in your ability to do this, and if you don't, then hang onto mine.

Hi Jenny,

 

A lot of us had feelings of loneliness during and after taper. Maybe it helps just a tiny bit to know that you have company in that and that friends here relate and care. Also you may find that when you went off benzos that some of the loneliness comes from the benzos messing with your head and telling you that others did not care when they did and do.

 

People do not always do what you would hope they would do as far as support and being there. You may find that some people from your past are better left there. Others may have been reaching out a hand that you just couldn't see for the foggy colored benzo glasses. I will hope that you discover that you have more love out than you are seeing and feeling now.

 

I don't know if you have or can have a pet, but I found that my cat was a real blessing during this mess. She is not super cuddly but seemed to sense when I needed her and still does today. She will sit beside me or on me and her kitty motor is very calming. I know that not everyone can have pets and that not every one can care for a pet during taper, but it is an idea.

 

As you get off benzos and level out, you will have more energy and enthusiasm for life in general and for friends in you life. In the meantime, try to get a good friend to yourself. This is a hard journey and you need your own support.

 

 

Hi Jennytapering,

 

I'm so sorry to hear that. Despite I have a partner, sometimes I think he would been better off without all my drama and withdrawal. I too lost some of my friends, because for many months I was in agony and unable to function. However those friends I do not want, because I want friends to stick with me in my darkest hours.

 

I gave up on making new friends during my taper, because until now my process has been unpredictable. Benzo victims lose so much; life before Benzos is so much different after.

 

But there will be an after and I cannot wait till I'm free of the poison and will fight for a new life, with new people.

 

Stay strong and hang in there.

 

This drug took away so much from me, but most of all I lost a lot of friends, my brother no longer speaks to me, my mother rarely calls me, I have no partner and my daughter went to live with her father.

I don't have any capacity to try to date while I'm in this situation, so I never get held or hugged or cuddled.

I live alone and I am going through this taper with all the sadness, anxiety, fear, self doubt, shame alone every day.

I try to be strong and say to myself that if those people left me while I'm down at my lowest point, then I should let them go.

But some days I feel the deepest loneliness. And that makes me question my worth or reason to exist.

These past few day have felt intensely lonely and I guess I just wanted to tell someone.

xJen

Hi Jenny

This is a hug in a message.

I have read through everyones responses here and agree with them.

This is a tricky and often lonely road but we do have each other. I reached out earlier this week and it just made me feel better that others understood how I feel.

Unless you have walked in our shoes people would never really understand what it is like.

Sending you best wishes and a wee scottish hug x

We understand, Jenny! It can be a lonely road.  We all care and we get it.  Life will come back and new and better relationships can develop when you are healthier in body and mind. 

Jenny, you are not alone. We are all here to support you.

When you are recovered, you will bursting with so much life that you will have too many friends and your daughter will be close again I’m sure.

I have lost friends too, they don’t know what to say or how to help.

These feelings are temporary. I sometimes feel that I don’t actually belong to the human race because no normal human would think or feel like this. It can be terrifying.

I’m glad you can share these feelings. Keep us posted how you’re getting on, you are so worth it.

Hardy x

Thank you Hardy66,

Yes, I have the same feeling that no one has any idea how I'm feeling inside.

I will try to keep going.What else can I do? I appreciate the words of support,

Thank you,

xJenny

Sending a hug your way 

Thank you for the hug Rocknroll,

xJenny

This drug took away so much from me, but most of all I lost a lot of friends, my brother no longer speaks to me, my mother rarely calls me, I have no partner and my daughter went to live with her father.

I don't have any capacity to try to date while I'm in this situation, so I never get held or hugged or cuddled.

I live alone and I am going through this taper with all the sadness, anxiety, fear, self doubt, shame alone every day.

I try to be strong and say to myself that if those people left me while I'm down at my lowest point, then I should let them go.

But some days I feel the deepest loneliness. And that makes me question my worth or reason to exist.

These past few day have felt intensely lonely and I guess I just wanted to tell someone.

xJen

 

I have read some of your posts and you are so kind. You are not alone! I'm so sorry you are feeling that way. This will pass. One day at a time.

Thank you Livingwell22,

I believe I have gone into a wave, I hope it passes soon. It is hard to even type a message at this point.

Thank you for your reply and encouragement,

xJenny

 

We are all here for you Jenny.  Big hugs!

 

Most of us feel lonely going through this even though we're surrounded by loved ones, this is what the drug does to us, it isolates us and cuts us off from the connection with ourselves and others.  Your situation is compounded by the fact that you are alone, I'm so sorry.

 

I'm so glad you reached out to tell us how you're feeling, even though we're only strangers on the internet, we understand and we care about you.  Please keep talking to us, this is what we're here for, to help people like you feel less alone.  Another thing we can offer is hope, hope for recovery even though your mind is telling you there is none. 

 

You have worth and when you recover you'll know that this time in your life was critical for you to make changes that have probably needed to happen for awhile but when we're flat lining through life on the drug, we can't see it.  These people who are gone from your life probably needed to go and when you recover you'll know that even though they left you, it was time for you to get away from them and they did you a favor.

 

Your daughter, once you're well again will see a mom who is present, who is ready and able to step into that role again and hopefully she'll welcome you back into her life.  I have faith in your ability to do this, and if you don't, then hang onto mine.

Thank you Pamster,

I believe this is a wave. I haven't had such a dramatic fall into depression from one day to the next since my taper began.

It was like one day I was struggling along as usual and the next morning I woke up feeling a thousand times worse in every way emotionally..(with no change in medicine). I just woke up consumed with the feeling that I am unloved, unwanted and worthless. When only the days before I was feeling some hope!? It's extremely disheartening, so thank you for always replying and trying to remind me that it is the drug.

Right now it's been 3 days of hopelessness, so I will have to rely on your words as you suggested.

Thank you for always replying and offering your best advice, it is truly all I have sometimes.

Thank you,

xJenny

 

Hi Jennytapering,

 

I'm so sorry to hear that. Despite I have a partner, sometimes I think he would been better off without all my drama and withdrawal. I too lost some of my friends, because for many months I was in agony and unable to function. However those friends I do not want, because I want friends to stick with me in my darkest hours.

 

I gave up on making new friends during my taper, because until now my process has been unpredictable. Benzo victims lose so much; life before Benzos is so much different after.

 

But there will be an after and I cannot wait till I'm free of the poison and will fight for a new life, with new people.

 

Stay strong and hang in there.

Thank you Naf1983,

It helps so much to hear from you and everyone here.

I feel like I am fighting just to live right now, so your words mean a lot to me. I will try to hang in.

Thank you!

xJenny

 

This drug took away so much from me, but most of all I lost a lot of friends, my brother no longer speaks to me, my mother rarely calls me, I have no partner and my daughter went to live with her father.

I don't have any capacity to try to date while I'm in this situation, so I never get held or hugged or cuddled.

I live alone and I am going through this taper with all the sadness, anxiety, fear, self doubt, shame alone every day.

I try to be strong and say to myself that if those people left me while I'm down at my lowest point, then I should let them go.

But some days I feel the deepest loneliness. And that makes me question my worth or reason to exist.

These past few day have felt intensely lonely and I guess I just wanted to tell someone.

xJen

Hi Jenny,

 

A lot of us had feelings of loneliness during and after taper. Maybe it helps just a tiny bit to know that you have company in that and that friends here relate and care. Also you may find that when you went off benzos that some of the loneliness comes from the benzos messing with your head and telling you that others did not care when they did and do.

 

People do not always do what you would hope they would do as far as support and being there. You may find that some people from your past are better left there. Others may have been reaching out a hand that you just couldn't see for the foggy colored benzo glasses. I will hope that you discover that you have more love out than you are seeing and feeling now.

 

I don't know if you have or can have a pet, but I found that my cat was a real blessing during this mess. She is not super cuddly but seemed to sense when I needed her and still does today. She will sit beside me or on me and her kitty motor is very calming. I know that not everyone can have pets and that not every one can care for a pet during taper, but it is an idea.

 

As you get off benzos and level out, you will have more energy and enthusiasm for life in general and for friends in you life. In the meantime, try to get a good friend to yourself. This is a hard journey and you need your own support.

Thank you Lilyann,

I wish I could have a pet, but I do think it might be an added task that I may not be able to manage alone.

I know they need to go to the vet, be fed, liiter box cleaned.. and I would want to be able to care for it properly.

I'm glad your kitty gives you comfort!

I also do realize I make myself more lonely because I isolate when I feel my sadness will scare people.

I have to give myself the love I need as you suggest. I'm trying.

Thank you for taking time to reply, it means a lot to me,

xJenny

 

Hi Jenny

This is a hug in a message.

I have read through everyones responses here and agree with them.

This is a tricky and often lonely road but we do have each other. I reached out earlier this week and it just made me feel better that others understood how I feel.

Unless you have walked in our shoes people would never really understand what it is like.

Sending you best wishes and a wee scottish hug x

Thank you Miss piggy,

I agree, I feel like no one can imagine how I feel inside, and I can't even get my own mother to really grasp it, so It makes me feel I have to just rely on myself, unfortunately there is not always a lot there to lean on. so thank you for listening and understanding. It means a lot to me.

xJenny

We understand, Jenny! It can be a lonely road.  We all care and we get it.  Life will come back and new and better relationships can develop when you are healthier in body and mind.

Thank you Helen,

Just knowing you are listening, understand and want to send support means so much to me.

xJenny

We are all here for you Jenny.  Big hugs!

 

Thank you for the hugs JBen021,

I really need them.

xJenny

Hi Jenny,

I’m so sorry and I truly understand. It’s such an isolating journey and often the pain makes it even more so. All I could do in the past months is try to survive the day. 

 

My best friend who actually talked me into getting back on an AD which my doc gave me Xanax to start up with, has slowly distanced himself from me. I didn’t even know what Xanax was, and once I figured out the horrible symptoms it was giving me, I had to get off.

 

My body has been burning for months, and he is the very one that I thought would be there for me, sadly, is not very supportive..

 

It’s been all I can do to survive the day. Socializing and entertainment is not possible for me because of the pain and anxiety I’ve been enduring.

 

Its disappointing to think of all I’ve done for him, and here I am suffering alone.

The crazy thing is he lives in the same condominium complex, yet I rarely see him anymore. We used to have dinner and hang out most every night before this horrific journey began. He feels like a stranger now and when I do see him or get a text, it is very different now. I have been in such agony and hardly able to function at times, much less be available.

 

He has moved on and has new friends that fill his life with new adventures that he pursues. I wish I could move because I’m reminded of the abandonment by him when I happen to see him coming and going with his new friends. I don’t blame him though because I haven’t been available. It just hurts because he seems happier.

 

Perhaps he feels guilty for pressing me to start an AD/Xanax that ended up hurting my body and has  caused me great pain. He enjoys other company now so it probably doesn’t even matter to him now. It’s been hard to see that he’s moved on. I suppose I have nothing to offer him now, but, maybe it’s best.

 

My family members passed away tragically years ago, so the only support I have is a few church friends that pray for me and one co worker who knows what I’m going through. I work remote, thank goodness. I’ve been very private about this and what I’m going through. I have no idea how I’ve been able to get through it so far, but I’ve had to do all I can to do so with God’s help. 

 

My evenings are spent alone and in pain begging for mercy. Nobody can understand the pain or what we are going through and some people just can’t deal. It has been hurtful to feel rejected and left alone by my friend who I thought would be my greatest support.  Once I heal, things will be even more clear in the friends that are true.

 

I’m so grateful for the support on this forum.

You will find people here that care and will support you.

I’ve met some very kind and loving people on here.

 

I’m so sorry you’ve been hurt by the feeling of abandonment or loneliness, but rest assured, you are not alone. 

We all care.

I’m sending you big hugs. 

Bless you!