Take it or leave this nugget of advice...

Take some advice from someone who is 40 months off and 95% healed wooohoo. Me and benzos have a tangled past. Was on them for 11 years and CT 3 times. The last time almost killed me. I went to a detox facility, I tried other medications and antidepressants. I fast tapered, I updosed....I've done it all. Now as I look back over the process I have more clarity.

  In the beginning, and in my experience the first 2.5 years; do as little as possible to assist your body in the healing process. We tend to want to hurry the process, to make the pain of the physical and mental synptoms go away faster. We try other meds, we try tons of supplements or intense exercise. Do none of that while you are doing the majority of your healing.  All these things did nothing but rev me up.

  Other meds made me pass out or gave me crazy side effects, supplements made me anxious and hullucinate. Exercise made my akathesia 100x worse. Finally after a year of trial and error (mostly error), I decided to stop everything. What helped me was being still. Eating when I could, as healthy as I could even when I wanted to die. Drinking water even though my body only wanted to throw it up. That is all I did. My body was trying so hard to repair and reach homeostasis. Everything I added only confused it or made it harder to sort through. Trusting my body was the best thing I ever did. At 2.5 years off I started slowly intoducing one supplement at a time, then a kids multivitamin, then an adult multivitamin.  3 years off I started exercising again. First 1 lap around the block, then 2, then a mile. Now spin and bootcamp classes 4 to 5 times a week.

  Your body will figure it out. At 40 months off I am mostly there. At 4 years off I will be 100%... do I know for sure, no. Although there is something to positive self talk!

Thank you, needed to read this really badly right now. I'm going to take it way easier.

Broken Petal, when did you start healing, was it slow progress. I’m 42 months off zopiclone, 2 years off  AD’s, still not healed. Any supplement I’ve tried revs up my symptoms. I don’t believe we all heal anymore.

Very sloooowwww, but every day our body and brain is repairing, even if we don't feel it. I used to hate waves...now I look at them as more work that my body is doing, and that I'm not done yet. Honestly, the key to my healing was my self talk. In the beginning it was so very negative, now I use it to encourage and comfort myself. I was very bad until 2.5 years off. Then I started having long windows followed by long waves. Then I was able to assist my body with supplements. I remember going to my naturopath when I was in the thick of it and got a vitamins and minerals test, surprisingly everything came back in decent range. My vitamin D was very low, but I didnt start supplementing until awhile later. Now I am working on a liver cleanse since these meds go through our liver. The things I have learned about health and wellness, the negative things I have cut out of my life, the boundaries I now have set...honestly it has sucked, but has made it worth it. I am and will know so much going forward.  I am 95% there.  Hang on, it gets good.

Thanks for letting us know what has worked for you, I love your attitude and can see it has served you well.  I agree that more isn't necessarily better, sometimes we need to sit back and let our body do what it knows how to do. 

Very sloooowwww, but every day our body and brain is repairing, even if we don't feel it. I used to hate waves...now I look at them as more work that my body is doing, and that I'm not done yet. Honestly, the key to my healing was my self talk. In the beginning it was so very negative, now I use it to encourage and comfort myself. I was very bad until 2.5 years off. Then I started having long windows followed by long waves. Then I was able to assist my body with supplements. I remember going to my naturopath when I was in the thick of it and got a vitamins and minerals test, surprisingly everything came back in decent range. My vitamin D was very low, but I didnt start supplementing until awhile later. Now I am working on a liver cleanse since these meds go through our liver. The things I have learned about health and wellness, the negative things I have cut out of my life, the boundaries I now have set...honestly it has sucked, but has made it worth it. I am and will know so much going forward.  I am 95% there.  Hang on, it gets good.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Did you feel bad in withdrawal at all. Just as over 3 and half years off and not getting better am giving up hope. Have wondered whether I need to count from when I stopped all meds. As had such bad reaction to AD’s the withdrawal from them was pretty grim. Don’t get windows, but did feel bit better until this  virus. Everyone seems have some progress by this stage.

Broken Petals!

 

This post is SO valuable and really speaks to me.  I've been off for 13 months but in the process of yo-yoing with various meds (mostly Z drugs) for YEARS on end. I made many, many mistakes and tried every possible alternative and Western method imaginable and like you...they all made me worse.  I am totally of the mind set to keep it as simple as is possible from now on.  I agree that our bodies don't need anything else to deal with right now.  I'm staying out of the doctor's office as I'm very fortunate to be healthy underneath all this painful nonsense. Of course, I would go if really thought something was wrong but I've been tested up, down, left, right and inside and out for years.  All seems in reasonably good working order.  No alarm bells. You've just solidified for me the best approach for me. I know some people have other health issues or just can't tolerate certain symptoms so I don't judge anyone else's methods. Just wanted to say thanks because I'm following this same path as you.  Oh and yeah...overdoing the exercise gets me every time. I'm so eager to get in shape again as I was a competitive tennis player before this and did other sports but I'm going to keep on doing what I can without pushing it. It'll come...I'm so happy for you that you are 95% healed. That's amazing and a testament to your good thoughts and underlying good health and habits.  Thank you and all the best to you.

Broken petals,

 

Love your post. Thank you for coming here to give us hope and some great info on what helped you.

 

I was just about to post a topic about exercise. I'm at 38 months... just a tad behind you. I had a wave after being wave free for half a year this past spring. It took two months to pull through it. After that wave..  I felt incredible! The best yet. So naturally I ramped things up. Walking at least 5 miles daily (which i have been doing on and off since winter this year) , going to festivals, going to the beach, sometimes in the heat .

 

Then last week I golfed twice. We took a cart, but I still played all 9 holes with just a day break in between. I would have golfed more, but felt I better not overdo it. During it all it felt fantastic! So happy and excited to have fun & golf. .... Then about two days later I started to have symptoms creep back in after feeling pretty darn fantastic for the last month & a half after that last wave ended.

 

Here's the thing, I feel like I always get "bit in the ass" when I get excited & do more. I seem to handle my nature walks in parks just fine,  and have been throughout all of this, but as soon as I get into a sport (& I really take it easy during) anyway, as soon as I start to put in some extra fun, because I feel like my body is totally ready, I get reminded I'm still in withdrawal. And, for me the symptom flare from this doesn't last just a couple days, or a week. .... This time last year I started to play pickle ball and I ended up in a 51 day wave. This spring I started challenging my brain/vestibular system more by walking over tall bridges (I have had consistent balance and dizziness issues throughout all of this that come and go). Those last two waves had me so unsteady that I had to use a cane for a bit here & there.

 

Now with the golf I felt ready for sure to take on the course , but here I am four days later sitting in the chair, in my house feeling like I have benzo flu, feeling wobbly again and not sleeping well the past two nights. So frustrating!

 

I know I did a lot because I feel my legs are stronger, and sore, but in a good way. But, I want my legs to get stronger. I feel like with waves that are long,  with sitting around & recuperating, it doesn't take long for my muscles to get flabby.

 

I'm thankful I've been able to walk throughout the entire last three years of this. During the rough patches, walking wasn't daily, but I would get at it again as soon as I could. Even if it meant just in the yard or on my street.

 

Just a month & a half ago I was using a cane. Now I'm out golfing. I guess my ambition is bigger than my body can handle just yet.

 

When we feel better it's so hard to not to get back at life & be normal.

 

I guess golfing last Wednesday,  then Friday -- then two days later it hits me, is my sign to pare it back. I get fearful that it's too late, & not only will I be just sitting in a chair resting a bunch again, but symptoms will flare up so much that even just sitting is uncomfortable, along with going to bed at night not being able to sleep afraid another wave is coming while I lay there starting to feel like crap again. I hope it does not get to that point this time & this is just "a blip" 

 

How did you know it was ok to ramp it up more with exercise & how long have you been able to do more?

 

Thanks

Fortitude

So figuring out when to exercise was a lot of trial and error! I loved doing spin classes before withdrawal, so I felt like I should be able to do them during this process. Boy was I wrong! I would finish a spin class and spiral. So I thought I couldn't work out anymore... but then one day I was thinking about how I had to go so slow with supplements; then thought why don't I try that with exercising. I started with 15 minutes of spin, then if I felt ok I would go to 20 minutes. If that was too much I stayed at 15 minutes for another week or two, then tried 20 minutes again. From 20 minutes I moved up to 25. Now I can do 60- 75 minute endurance classes, but it took a long time to get here! Go slow, listen to your body. I did get to a point that even though I felt worked up I continued to workout anyways. It got to be a little spike of anxiety afterwards, but nothing I couldn't handle. Exercise is so good for the body, so I pushed through. Be proud of any accomplishment when it comes to withdrawal. Walking an extra half mile or so should be a celebration!!

  The other question was did I feel bad during withdrawal? I think everyone on this site feels terrible during withdrawal. There is a mentality on this site that no one else understands because they are the worst and the one that wont heal. Everyone struggles... sometimes its more mental and sometimes its more physical. I suffered from 99% mental symptoms. I wasn't kidding when I said the 3rd cold turkey almost killed me. I was baker acted, almost lost my marriage, was paranoid and scared of everything, couldn't function, etc. I try not to go back there. My brain does a wonderful job of protecting me and shielding me from that pain by burying deep and not letting me access it fully. I used to only be able to talk about withdrawal, it was all I could think about. Now I don't really ever think about it. I forget my monthly jumping "anniversary," and only remember it when something triggers me to think about withdrawal. You will get here. It is coming. Hang on Hang on.

BrokenPetals:  I love that you posted this.  So agree with what you said.  Our body/brains are very good at healing and really don't need much help.  When we try to throw all kinds of stuff at it to "help", I think it gets in the way of what the brain is trying to do on its own. 

 

I am 28 months and some change down the road.  I agree that 2.5 years is probably where things start to turn a corner; even though I am not quite there yet, I can sense that things are shifting a bit. 

 

This has been quite a journey, and one I would not wish on anyone, but I am hopeful that in the end I will take away some good stuff from having gone through this.    I know my coping skills are much improved and I am already infinitely more patient that I was before.   

 

Thanks again for your post.  Very wise!

So figuring out when to exercise was a lot of trial and error! I loved doing spin classes before withdrawal, so I felt like I should be able to do them during this process. Boy was I wrong! I would finish a spin class and spiral. So I thought I couldn't work out anymore... but then one day I was thinking about how I had to go so slow with supplements; then thought why don't I try that with exercising. I started with 15 minutes of spin, then if I felt ok I would go to 20 minutes. If that was too much I stayed at 15 minutes for another week or two, then tried 20 minutes again. From 20 minutes I moved up to 25. Now I can do 60- 75 minute endurance classes, but it took a long time to get here! Go slow, listen to your body. I did get to a point that even though I felt worked up I continued to workout anyways. It got to be a little spike of anxiety afterwards, but nothing I couldn't handle. Exercise is so good for the body, so I pushed through. Be proud of any accomplishment when it comes to withdrawal. Walking an extra half mile or so should be a celebration!!

  The other question was did I feel bad during withdrawal? I think everyone on this site feels terrible during withdrawal. There is a mentality on this site that no one else understands because they are the worst and the one that wont heal. Everyone struggles... sometimes its more mental and sometimes its more physical. I suffered from 99% mental symptoms. I wasn't kidding when I said the 3rd cold turkey almost killed me. I was baker acted, almost lost my marriage, was paranoid and scared of everything, couldn't function, etc. I try not to go back there. My brain does a wonderful job of protecting me and shielding me from that pain by burying deep and not letting me access it fully. I used to only be able to talk about withdrawal, it was all I could think about. Now I don't really ever think about it. I forget my monthly jumping "anniversary," and only remember it when something triggers me to think about withdrawal. You will get here. It is coming. Hang on Hang on.

 

Thank you so much broken petals for your detailed reply . So very helpful. Yes, any accomplishment is a celebration. You are so right.  I appreciate it. I'm so happy for you and your healing!

 

- Fortitude 

Broken petals didn’t word it very well. Meant to say did you feel bad when tapering. Just trying to find out how long in total you felt bad . I know you said was 2 and half years after final CT, but did you feel bad when tapering and after the other CT’s if you get my meaning. I was forced to CT  so couldn’t taper so been 42 months in total. I know some people feel bad before stopping and during taper, whereas I was feeling great on zopiclone. Just trying gauge how long others take whether there is still hope this long off.

Yes I felt awful tapering because I had gone through a CT of klonopin, went on a different benzo at the hospital, then went to a detox facility to get off that( another cold turkey), went back on klonopin and paxil, then fast tapered off of that. I finally got off klonopin and 3 month later went off paxil. It was awful, just awful. I am 40 months off klonopin and about 37 months off paxil. I was non functional. I have 2 kids who are young, but I was the one who felt like the child. Just trying to cook dinner was too complicated. Trying to help them get ready in the morning made me want to lose my mind. Daily tasks that seem so easy now, felt like rocketscience back then. Multi step processes...forget it. These drugs do a lot of harm, and it seems that some people heal slowly with minor changes until one day they are healed, and others wake up one day healed. I have seen both in my long journey on this site. Folks were on here for years and then one day they were like " ok I'm good. Im canceling my account and living my life!" Hang in there Leann. I know you have been with me since the beginning, but this gets better.

I will say quickly that I think having my young kids really helped push me when maybe I wouldnt have pushed myself. It was a curse and a blessing. Having something that is worth fighting for really gives you an edge.

Ok thanks, so am I right in thinking you probably had about 4 years of feeling rough including the CT’s and tapering. Just seem people either get better about 3 year mark or otherwise seem take lot longer. I know I didn’t help taking other meds that GP recommended. Just when you make so little progress feel like giving up.Sure young kids helped you, they are a distraction, an would imagine give you something to want to still be here for. That’s what I struggle with. I’m retired so have nothing feel worth fighting for. Anyway really pleased for you.

Hi Broken Petals, sorry you didn’t want to receive any PM. You can unblock me I won’t message again sorry to have been a nuisance, just struggling bit  at moment.

Leann it is totally fine. I actually didn't mean to block you, I just don't want to receive personal messages in general. It's not just you, other people have been messaging me too. I am happy to write to you here, it's just too much to get personal messages as well. I apologize, I don't want you to think it was personal. I am happy to provide encouragement, but I am not 100% healed, so dealing with multiple people's immense pain may be too much for me right now. I understand that feeling of desperation to talk to people and to be reassured that it will be ok, I was there not too long ago. You will get there. One day you will be on the other side of this and you will feel joy, not a problem free life, but joy in the struggles and joy in the pain. I promise it will happen. Don't think you are too far out to heal. I felt like so many people were healing faster that me, I felt like things were going too slow. It gets better and the healing speeds up quickly towards the end.

OK I understand. Just in dark place at moment. Can understand why people get to the point when they can’t take it anymore. How can we be sure everyone recovers☹️

OK I understand. Just in dark place at moment. Can understand why people get to the point when they can’t take it anymore. How can we be sure everyone recovers☹️

I'm way behind you but I feel the way you do, I feel at a loss.  Everyday I have anxiety, tachycardia, temp changes, food reactions, rumination,  achey here and there, eye pain, so many things. I'm sorry.

Just feel these drugs ruined my life. Don’t have any hope any more.

Just feel these drugs ruined my life. Don’t have any hope any more.

You can always message me if you need to vent

As a general rule of thumb, I will ask myself out loud " Was I like this before the drugs?" My messed up and damaged brain, even my doctors made me want to believe that this is who I am. It doesn't matter that I know my brain was injured, that I never had this before; I was convincing myself that this was a new ailment that I was stuck with. Then those ailments started to go away... I don't have GAD anymore, my OCD has almost completely vanished. My fear of my house, mold making me sick, etc they have all gone away. So whenever I get a wave (they are little ones now), I actually get excited! I'm like yay I am still improving and getting better, I am actually happy I am not done yet because I know it can only get better. It happens, but sometimes it is so slow that you don't even notice it.

Great message! TY

As a general rule of thumb, I will ask myself out loud " Was I like this before the drugs?" My messed up and damaged brain, even my doctors made me want to believe that this is who I am. It doesn't matter that I know my brain was injured, that I never had this before; I was convincing myself that this was a new ailment that I was stuck with. Then those ailments started to go away... I don't have GAD anymore, my OCD has almost completely vanished. My fear of my house, mold making me sick, etc they have all gone away. So whenever I get a wave (they are little ones now), I actually get excited! I'm like yay I am still improving and getting better, I am actually happy I am not done yet because I know it can only get better. It happens, but sometimes it is so slow that you don't even notice it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes got told by doctors I’ve got OCD, but SSRI’s and CBT did nothing. Think you recovered quicker than me I’m 42 months only ever had brief window recently. Logically think I wasn’t like this before, but start thinking maybe this is me. Reading about Zman did send me into a bad wave. Have thought about making same decisions he did so many times, constantly living in a state of anxiety and fear gets harder  the longer it goes on. Sorry in a bad place at moment

Hang on Leann, you can do this, recovery may be very near. One day at a time. You’ve been strong for so long, be kind to yourself for a few days, you well deserve it.

Hardy.

Just struggle to find anyone having symptoms this long without real windows recovering. Most people like Brokenpetals  seem to have improved sooner than me. Not really strong, been miserable most time, wish I could be more hopeful and supportive to  Other people.