I feel so much shame

Hi,

I wanted to write about one of the hardest emotional symptoms i suffer from (besides constant fear) and that is shame.

I feel so ashamed of myself. It makes me suffer and cry so much because I feel ashamed that I got to this place.

I feel so ashamed that I am not the mother I want to be, I feel ashamed that I lost my job.I feel so ashamed of how low functioning i am.

I want to hide from the world, I don't want them to see me. I feel pathetic. I have never in my life had these feelings.

I see people walking on the streets and I feel so inferior to them, like I am worthless and a failure.

I try my best to recognize the small things I do, swim laps, paint, wash dishes, grocery shop.

But this is a tiny fraction of what I used to get done in a day.

It hurts so much ..and I try to tell myself I did not do this on purpose, I followed doctors orders and that is how I got here.

But the shame comes back every day. I cry so much from feeling so deeply ashamed of who I am now compared to who I used to be.

Does anyone have any words of advice to fight this feeling?

Thank you for any thoughts,

xJen

2 thoughts. 

1.  You can only do what you can do.  You can't compare yourself to anyone or even your old self.  You can't over do it.  Be kind to yourself and ask for help if you need.

2.  None of this is your fault.  Period.  You didn't choose this.  So be kind to yourself.  Go to bed every night knowing you did what you could that day, even if it was nothing. 

Best of luck!

I know what you mean. I too can no longer work because of this and accomplish so little in a day compared to my old self. I don’t know whether or not you are spiritual or believe in God, but my faith helps with my feelings of shame. I read the Bible regularly and learn from the Bible that God loves me just how I am. And that He wants the best for me in all circumstances. My supportive wife also makes me feel validated despite me not being able to do much. All my other family members and friends have long since left as I became more housebound. Faith is just a matter of choosing to believe in something we can’t yet see.

jennytapering, I hope you can hear my words because I'll be speaking the truth while the drug is lying to you.  You are a good person and a good mother but you're going through a rough time right now and you deserve all the love and support anyone suffering from a terrible illness deserves.  You've done nothing wrong, in fact you're doing everything right because when you recover, you're going to be the best version of yourself.  You're going to be present in your family's life, you won't have dulled senses, you'll be there for them in every way possible.

 

The thoughts you're having are not you, not who you are and won't be you when you recover.  All of these negative and intrusive thoughts are generated by the drug and when you recover they'll be gone so please, don't torture yourself thinking this is who you are. 

 

As the others have said, be kind to yourself and don't let the drug drag you down any lower.  Fight for yourself because you're worth it, I believe in you.

Jen congratulations for having the courage to begin this journey.   

It seems harsh that you would beat yourself up right now......  surely if you saw someone else struggling with a brain injury, you wouldn't kick them when they are down!    You are healing from a brain injury....  maybe this could be a time where you learn loving kindness to yourself.

 

It was so hard for me to cut myself any slack.  I've always been very self sufficient and hard working.  I didn't know how treat mrself with softness either.  So I hope this doesn't  sound too weird or preachy.

 

At first, I had to develop a fictitious character in my head....  let's call him Gepetto... Pinocchio's father.  Gepetto would speak kindly to me (yes in a grandfather's German accent) when I was faltering and suffering....  saying, "oh my girl....  you need to take a rest"....etc.....

I invented a kind caring Grandmother too.  She would gather me in her arms and tell me "I love you,  you're healing.... I would visualize her rocking me.

So my characters intervened and over time,  I have integrated them and it's just me now....  telling myself to slow down,  lay down...  I love you....words and messages of love.  If you can do this... your version, it can make you strong now, and after the worst is over..... 

Big big hugs..

 

 

 

 

 

Try not to think about that right now I am proud of you for the fact alone that you are going through this !! proud that you are a mother.

 

Once this is over you can think about rebuilding your life for you and your loved onces. like taking another job, or doing some of the things that you want to do as a mother.

See it as goals for after. and look forward to that. you know this will be long but still temporarily. everything is temporarily.

(swim laps, paint, wash dishes, grocery shop.) gooooooooodd do those things thats more then some dare to do like swimming.

sure the contrast is not comparable to what you did before. the process you are in with this drug lol its suppose to feel exactly like that.

I have struggled with the same emotions. take the battle day by day and count your blessing that you can do like swimming or bike cycling.

Put on sunglasses if that helps for now. but dont forget to get some exposure every now and then so these emotions dont take you out for a walk.

 

The fact that you feel this deeply only goes to show how much you want the opposite. you wish to turn this around you got the will power to build this up step by step.

but not now, now any tiny step is good during this withdrawal process.

 

I am nearly there ffs and I cant wait to hang out the flag for the day that comes!

I agree with the others: as Pamster said- the drug is lying to you!  It's easier said then done to fight this and everyone on this board knows what that feels like- to fight this evil drug.  We all see and hear you and especially support you!

 

Keep on keeping on because you can do this!

Hi Jenny,

I completely understand where you are coming from and I have those feelings too. Like a lot. A LOT.

You explained yourself so well, why you are having them, and the others here explained very well how to reframe your thoughts to try to move past those shame feelings when they arise. Let them come and go like water. It's normal to feel those feelings but try not to fixate too long...which is very hard given the benzo-driven imbalances we are going through. You will heal and you will become a better version of yourself through this. Do your best to be patient and love yourself through all of this. Good advice for myself as well. I know it's hard.

Jennytapering

 

Yes you are definitely not alone.  I feel the same.  Like a slacker.  The logical part of my brain knows it’s not true but the benzo brain says otherwise.  It’s unimaginably hard but we will get to the other side .  Success stories tell us so!

2 thoughts. 

1.  You can only do what you can do.  You can't compare yourself to anyone or even your old self.  You can't over do it.  Be kind to yourself and ask for help if you need.

2.  None of this is your fault.  Period.  You didn't choose this.  So be kind to yourself.  Go to bed every night knowing you did what you could that day, even if it was nothing. 

Best of luck!

Thank you Snoop44,

I did not choose this, I will try to remember not to compare myself to others and tell myself I did the best I could.

Thank you very much,

xJen

I know what you mean. I too can no longer work because of this and accomplish so little in a day compared to my old self. I don’t know whether or not you are spiritual or believe in God, but my faith helps with my feelings of shame. I read the Bible regularly and learn from the Bible that God loves me just how I am. And that He wants the best for me in all circumstances. My supportive wife also makes me feel validated despite me not being able to do much. All my other family members and friends have long since left as I became more housebound. Faith is just a matter of choosing to believe in something we can’t yet see.

Thank you Apple123,

Sadly I was not raised with religion and I live alone with no partner. However I will try to have faith in the others here who swear that I will get better. And maybe I will say some prayers to see if it helps.

Thank you for taking time to reply to me,

xJen

jennytapering, I hope you can hear my words because I'll be speaking the truth while the drug is lying to you.  You are a good person and a good mother but you're going through a rough time right now and you deserve all the love and support anyone suffering from a terrible illness deserves.  You've done nothing wrong, in fact you're doing everything right because when you recover, you're going to be the best version of yourself.  You're going to be present in your family's life, you won't have dulled senses, you'll be there for them in every way possible.

 

The thoughts you're having are not you, not who you are and won't be you when you recover.  All of these negative and intrusive thoughts are generated by the drug and when you recover they'll be gone so please, don't torture yourself thinking this is who you are. 

 

As the others have said, be kind to yourself and don't let the drug drag you down any lower.  Fight for yourself because you're worth it, I believe in you.

Thank you Pamster,

Your encouragement means so much to me.

For the past few days I have been doing very badly, feeling so ashamed of myself and thinking I am worthless.

I have to believe that is the drugs talking, it just is so hard not to feel it is the truth.

Your reply helps to remind me that some day I will not be thinking this thought.

It is very hard to see how I will get through many more months of this. But I will try to remember your words.

Thank you so much, I feel you are a very caring person and I appreciate it so much right now,

xJenny

Jen congratulations for having the courage to begin this journey.   

It seems harsh that you would beat yourself up right now......  surely if you saw someone else struggling with a brain injury, you wouldn't kick them when they are down!    You are healing from a brain injury....  maybe this could be a time where you learn loving kindness to yourself.

 

It was so hard for me to cut myself any slack.  I've always been very self sufficient and hard working.  I didn't know how treat mrself with softness either.  So I hope this doesn't  sound too weird or preachy.

 

At first, I had to develop a fictitious character in my head....  let's call him Gepetto... Pinocchio's father.  Gepetto would speak kindly to me (yes in a grandfather's German accent) when I was faltering and suffering....  saying, "oh my girl....  you need to take a rest"....etc.....

I invented a kind caring Grandmother too.  She would gather me in her arms and tell me "I love you,  you're healing.... I would visualize her rocking me.

So my characters intervened and over time,  I have integrated them and it's just me now....  telling myself to slow down,  lay down...  I love you....words and messages of love.  If you can do this... your version, it can make you strong now, and after the worst is over..... 

Big big hugs..

Thank you Janiceh,

I do have a very hard time being kind to myself, I always have been this way, worked hard all my life, very clean home, always dress neatly etc.

I think it comes from my upbringing. So the way I speak to myself is very harsh now.

I will try your way of being my own father or mother and speak to myself with loving words. I hope I can allow this to help me.

Thank you for the idea for a coping method.

I appreciate you sharing with me, big hugs to you too,

xJenny

Try not to think about that right now I am proud of you for the fact alone that you are going through this !! proud that you are a mother.

 

Once this is over you can think about rebuilding your life for you and your loved onces. like taking another job, or doing some of the things that you want to do as a mother.

See it as goals for after. and look forward to that. you know this will be long but still temporarily. everything is temporarily.

(swim laps, paint, wash dishes, grocery shop.) gooooooooodd do those things thats more then some dare to do like swimming.

sure the contrast is not comparable to what you did before. the process you are in with this drug lol its suppose to feel exactly like that.

I have struggled with the same emotions. take the battle day by day and count your blessing that you can do like swimming or bike cycling.

Put on sunglasses if that helps for now. but dont forget to get some exposure every now and then so these emotions dont take you out for a walk.

 

The fact that you feel this deeply only goes to show how much you want the opposite. you wish to turn this around you got the will power to build this up step by step.

but not now, now any tiny step is good during this withdrawal process.

 

I am nearly there ffs and I cant wait to hang out the flag for the day that comes!

Thank you Sirdeepfry,

Your attitude is very encouraging. And I'm so happy for you that you are near the end of this suffering.

It does feel like a battle with a demon in my head every day! That demon tells me to be ashamed and to give up.

So every day I try to do as much as possible to not give in to that thought.

But many times I breakdown, I cry and I beat myself up inside.

I will try to remember what you said, these are tiny steps...and I have to accept that.

Thank you so much for the support,

xJen

 

 

I agree with the others: as Pamster said- the drug is lying to you!  It's easier said then done to fight this and everyone on this board knows what that feels like- to fight this evil drug.  We all see and hear you and especially support you!

 

Keep on keeping on because you can do this!

Thank you Cooper5,

Especially for saying you see me and hear me, that brought tears to my eyes because I often feel like I'm nothing anymore.

To be seen and heard is so basic but makes me feel less alone.

 

So thank you very much,

xJen

Hi Jenny,

I completely understand where you are coming from and I have those feelings too. Like a lot. A LOT.

You explained yourself so well, why you are having them, and the others here explained very well how to reframe your thoughts to try to move past those shame feelings when they arise. Let them come and go like water. It's normal to feel those feelings but try not to fixate too long...which is very hard given the benzo-driven imbalances we are going through. You will heal and you will become a better version of yourself through this. Do your best to be patient and love yourself through all of this. Good advice for myself as well. I know it's hard.

Thank you Tatertot91

I helps so much to just hear others like you have the same feelings. I don't know anyone in real life who has been through this, so I feel it's impossible for them to understand that horrible thoughts I have. Knowing that you know what I experience is validating to me and I appreciate it, I feel a bit less alone.

Thank you so much,

xJen

I feel very similar to you. I was high functioning and sociable. I am ashamed and embarrassed. I feel like everyones life is moving on and if I had not listened to the doctor and researched the meds earlier I would not be in this mess. I feel like at every possible t junction I took the wrong turn due to lack of knowledge.

It is affecting my relationships with friends and family and my confidence is rock bottom.

So I promise you, your feelings are normal.

Sending my best wishes, big hugs and bravery MP

I feel this sooo much right now! I feel so ashamed and pathetic and keep trying to tell myself it's not my fault but dang it's soooo hard. Currently tapering as well. I have 2 young girls and it kills me I'm not the mom I want to be. I feel like I'm missing out. When I'm off this crap (which I have kicked before so I know I can do it again!) I feel like a normal human being and am a fantastic mother and have so much energy! We can do this!! Day by day i keep telling myself. Some days are so hard and so a bit easier . Can't wait for this to all.be a distant memory