Loosing hope

I think that I’m defeated.

 

During horryfing taper and acute phase I was having one thing that was helping me - The Hope.

 

Right now it’s gone.

 

I am waking up extremly tired, sleepy and dizzy. Making breakfast is an achievement.

 

Later the thoughts about deadly disease arrives, and energy is still below functiong levels.

 

At nights I have those horrifying bad lsd trip sensations or headaches.

 

I can’t be alone for a moment and I feel guilty for my wife who sacrifices everything to help me.

 

I should be looking for a job but right now it’s impossible

 

Acute phase was fun comparing to this - I could distract any symptom by playing video games or reading comic books. Now I lost even that.

 

Everything became unbearable after 3,5 months. It’s not my life. I was happy go lucky person with so many hobbies and stuff to do. Right now I’m a suffering vegetable with a constant thoughts of dying.

 

There are occasional better days but they are not as good as good days that I was having month ago. And on top of that that moments become a rarity these days.

 

I don’t know if that struggle is worth anything if it’s going backwards. What kind of healing is that?

 

I should be there for my familly but how can I do it?

 

Sorry everyone for constant nagging but I’ve never suffered so much in my life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello onceanormalhuman,

 

I know this is a bitter pill to swallow, but it seems like you are just about 4 months off benzos.  This is really very early in recovery. I was quite symptomatic at 4 months, in fact, new symptoms showed up around that time.

 

You are still the person you were, it's just hidden behind benzo withdrawal.  I felt very much the same. Where was the person who played tennis at l3ast 3 times a week, socialized and went anywhere and everywhere without a thought about whether I could tolerate it. 

 

I finally had to accept that I needed to go through this process. I quit/forbade myself from using Dr. Google. I used distraction, all day and sometimes through the night.  I developed patience, this was a hard one. I was playing tennis 2 weeks after having my gallbladded removed, so why was I still sick after 4, 5, 6 months off benzos. 

 

I believe healing is ongoing, even when you feel badly.  I developed a mantra, I would say 'what I'm feeling is my healing'. 

 

Little by little things improved. Sometimes it was 2 steps forward and one step back, other times it was the reverse. I persevered and as time went on, I did continue to heal. My recovery took a while, each of us will have our own paths, trajectory of healing.  I had some windows and also some very strong waves.  In the end, I'm so happy I saw it through, I did heal, completely and totally.  Once healed, there was no return of any symptoms. 

 

You aren't alone in this, others have walked the path to wellness and left big footprints for you to follow. 

 

pianogirl 

Hi normalhuman, I call you that because you are. You are a person suffering torture because you are doing the right thing for yourself and your family.

I am 4 months off and having horrendous panic attacks for the first time in my life. I am literally frozen in fear and then I sob.

I too, was a very sporty person with a great social life. Not any more.

I don’t think your wife is sacrificing anything. When you love someone, caring for them is a privilege.

I hate being away from my sister. I said to her…..you’re going to get fed up with me. She said she never would because I was showing such bravery!

You are being so very brave. Very, very brave, just hang on a bit longer and you’ll be in recovery. The science dictates that you will recover, no doubt about it.

Here to help. Hardy.

Thank you pianogirl and Hardy!

 

Those days are really though, I was more comfortable with my previous set of symptoms.

 

Worst part about them is I don’t have a clue how to distract them. They are too vicious.

 

In my country benzodiazepin are not popular, so there are no articles on web how to deal with them. Even psychiatrist don’t have a clue. When I was tapering I was told to decrease 1 mg weekly. Lucky for me I didn’t listened to that.

 

Month ago another psychistrist told me that wd from benzo is only 10 days max and this is only anxiety. But what kind of anxiety does something like that? I feel psychically dying

 

I heard that 6 month is a turning point for many, so maybe I will survive in one piece to that moment.

 

Thanks everyone for good words, It’s really mean a lot for me

 

 

 

 

Month 4 was the worst for me.  By month 6 things started to improve and by month 8 I was feeling pretty good tho not healed.  Stay with it my friend.  There is hope.  It is just masked right now by all thoses nasty symptoms.  You are getting there!

Right now I’ve survived the radical wave that felt like a mixture between dissociation, heart failure, brain shutting off and fainting.

 

I wanted to call ER, but my wife was holding my hand and telling me that in 15 minutes it will pass.

 

And yes, it passed but I feel devastaded about it.

 

The concept of surviving another months of fear about my life is something that’s hard to digest. Especially after 3 months of living semi-normal life where every week was an improvement.

 

My only wish is to be healed and live again. The thought of writing my success story seems like sci fi for now. But deep down in my heart I know that someday I will.

Its so sad that just when you emerge from this horrific experience you're already in fear of it happening again?  I so wish this process didn't beat us down into people we hardly recognize anymore.  I see so many strong, courageous and determined people here, going through the worst experience of their lives and they can't see what I can.  You're all warriors who will not only survive this but will thrive as well. 

 

Major kudos to your loving wife for getting you through this, please give her a big hug from me. 

Sometimes sci fi stories come true……a man DID walk on the moon…..and you will be well again. It may not be months of suffering, your recovery may come sooner than you know. I hope mine does too. We are BRAVE!

Hardy.

Just a moments after last post another two waves hit me.

 

First one was terrible headaches and dread

 

Second one that was right after headaches - light naseua and dpdr.

 

Both have passed so I think that is wd and not some kind of terminal sickness.

 

It’s an extremly rough day,  I’m counting minutes to the bedtime.

 

I want to be brave but im terryfied to exist in that hell for any longer

 

I knew that after having a better night yesterday I will be suffering for the whole next day

 

Thank you for emotional support guys!

 

 

Today I don’t feel psychically sick but dpdr is strong and very scary. I feel disconnected, lightheaded and without body.

 

Everyday something will ruin my wellbeign, but one thing is constant - health anxiety and fear of dying. Im to scarred to take a nap because in my mind I see that my body will be find at living room and puted in plastic bag.

 

Rationally I know that this is only wd because symptoms come and dissapears completly alltogether (except of weird sensations in stomach and lack of apetite)

 

But there is this intrusive voice inside my head that is screaming - you’re dying, you’re dying, you’re dying

 

It’s even hard for me to think about the future because I see my own coffin and graveyard

 

But even this thoughts sometimes dissapears like a wave

 

If I will survive this I’m gonna do something good with my life and will try to help others

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello,

 

You will survive, and if you want to do good and help others, that is a wonderful thing!  Give it some time, it's still very early days. 

 

PG 

Hi piano!

 

The most discouraging stuff for me is that those things happens to me 4 month after jump.

 

During taper and first months I could explain everything that was happening to me because of withdrawal.

 

But right now my mind can’t cope that every success that I had in 2-3 month era (swimming, going out with friends, taking walks) have dissapaired like a dream and I’ve become that pathethic parody of human beign, obsessive with symptoms. It’s like a sickness that progress and don’t decline.

 

I know it’s early on, but I already saw a normal life and it was taken away from me.

 

 

From reading other stories I have to conclude that month 4 is a bad one for many of us. Don’t ask me why!

I have to stay in bed today. 2 months ago I was walking good distances and seeing friends. I quit at the end of Feb and I’m not expecting to feel anything like ok for a year or more.

That way I won’t be disappointed which would be another negative emotion to deal with.

If I get better more quickly, then great, if not, so be it.

It will be a long year but I don’t see any other way forward.

 

Sadly, acceptance seems to be the key but in our over anxious states, acceptance is not easy. It’s tough all round.

I feel for you, hang in there.

Hardy.

I was using benzo for only 6-7 months. I was hoping that I will be much better at that point, and not worse.

 

My plan for today was to clean the house but wave of lethargy/fatigue/sleepiness has arrived so I returned to bed.

 

 

I’m starting to hate my bed, i just lay there and watch the walls.

 

 

 

Once, I'm so sorry. This is very hard. I wish we would hear from more people who are farther down the road as everyone who seems to be answering is in the same time frame - 4 months or so.

 

I would give anything to be a person with friends again, who has things to do, who doesn't wake up just steeling myself to get through a day, who looks forward to anything, who didn't look at myself and my life with disgust every day.

 

It's so discouraging, making it through a long taper and being here. I don't know what's post benzos and what's life, what's real and what's not. I'm so glad you have someone standing by you.

Yes, it’s extreamly discouraging after everything we experienced during taper and jumping off.

 

Right now I am after the worst panic attack ever. It was 2 hours of hell, my hands are twitching like in Parkinson disease.

 

I don’t think it’s a healing process, it’s a damaging process.

 

I don’t know how long I will survive like that

Once,

 

I'm so sorry.

 

Is there any chance you went off too quickly?

Yes, I think that I went off to quickly. First I skipped middle dose (dumb, I know), than I was decreasing dosage by 0,5 mg xanax every 2 weeks. I slowed down in the later phase.

 

But still I was semi functional after 2-3 weeks after jumping.

 

Right now it’s wave after wave, symptoms constantly cycling, and new ones appearing. No life, no life at all.

 

 

Once, I'm so sorry. I know it's so hard.

I can’t do it much longer, waves are getting more intense and last longer. It’s hell. I can’t eat, I can’t do anything. When I think that it can’t get worse - here come another wave that’s literally put me in an agonising state of malaise and dread.

 

I want to live and be healed. But I think that I’m dying and it’s game over for me

Ok, the wave has passed. I’m still living. I’m relaxed, feeling normal, clarity and good mood has magically returned.

 

I need to remember that moment. I know it’s not over, and the hell can return any minute but I will try to make the best of it.

Wonderful! Enjoy!

I was enjoying it, but it was so short. One hour and it’s started to fade.

 

Back to suffering.

 

I don’t know why my windows are getting shorter and waves longer and stronger than ever.

 

It’s used to be exactly opposite

There’s no logic to any of this, we just have to accept what we’re given. It’s very very tough.

Hang in there.

Hardy.

I lost hope a long time ago until I was forced to find it again. I do not wish to disappoint my future self so I just keep plugging along one damn day at a time. You will be amazed by the strength you find to get through this - something to always treasure about yourself. "I can do this" is my mantra over and over again. But it sure as hell ain't easy.