6 month hiatus back and not good (long post fyi)

Back after a 6 month hiatus ( long story). To be completely blunt and transparent I'll say this , I've been in HELL. Not just with my own WD illness but a few other things going on behind the scenes with my physical health and some other non health related that I really don't feel like discussing now.

 

I look at my last post 6 months ago and see the fear,  desperation, pain and uncertainty for my future.  I really thought December 2021 would be my rock bottom. I hoped and prayed for a better 2022, I cried and prayed for healing as I was literally grasping my cross necklace watching the ball drop on New Years Eve. Just the opposite is happening.

 

I told my therapist I feel like I already died, compared to the person I was a few years ago. Nothing is the same, nothing. The world is different. I feel like I'm in a prison or being held captive, my physical and mental pain is constant. No matter what nothing is good enough.

 

My BP is elevating still, I'm back to waking up in the middle of the night with major anxiety and a speedy heart rate,  sometimes its so bad I'm having diarrhea some mornings before work ( nothing bothers me at work so what is that?).

 

I sleep too much and my fatigue is crushing, most nights I'm in bed at 6:30-7:30pm and it's still light out. I hear people outside having fun,  kids laughing ,yelling and enjoying summer and I can't do anything else except work.

 

I don't know what the **** has happened to my life. I'm mourning my old self and my old life. I never had these worries  before. If it's not one worry or obsessive thought than another one's rolling in ruminating quiets down and another appears. It seems summer and hot temps amplify my anxiety as well. I feel this pain and torture will be with me forever and my best years are long gone and well behind me.

 

 

I'm trying to interpret your signature, are you Clonazepam free?  I'm sorry its been so rough, but glad to know you can still work and you say you don't have these attacks while there?

Yes can't remember the time line. Long time ago.  Paxil was the longest, prob the most damaging but who knows. Tapering very slowely off Zoloft now. Every happy or reprieve moment is short and temporary. My pain and misery is not

 

 

 

Sorry forgot to answer your last question, I'm fine at work yes. Only time I feel "normal" but there are times it sneaks up on me. I still feel like crap and exhausted beyond hell there.

 

I found work to be a good distraction even though I was miserable, do you think that's what helps you is the distraction?  I don't doubt you're exhausted, do you need to slow your Zoloft taper down or possibly hold it for a time?

I honestly don't know anymore. That med did ZERO to help me. Holding or slowing more would be pointless. I've been going slow enough. Started tapering on my birthday in March, ( originally started in October then stopped and continued the original dose)

In almost 4 months I've gone from 100mg to 80mg. I even thought of just saying the hell with it and going CT.  I don't know anymore. I have other health problems too and getting pushed in all directions. Scared what is what. Throwing all this money out just to find answers because I cannot settle and accept feeling this ill anymore and doing a "wait and see"

Taking another "break". I don't know if even online message boards do me any good, for some they are a blessing but for me create more anxiety. Not crazy about any form of social media any more call me old fashioned. If there was a local actual in-person support group I'd jump to it and interconnect with others that way but sometimes don't even think those will even help. I'm having crazy intrusive thoughts and worry, alot of these seem real and very realistic no matter how many times ppl tell me to calm down it's my mind messing with me. I'm really scared for my future short and long term. I truly think my better days are behind me.  I always said I don't regret things in life but looking back I do with a few things. I don't think PWS and long history with psych drugs did me any good but I do have other stuff glimg on in my health. I feel it makes my misery 10x worse. What's causing what?

 

I"m away for a long holiday weekend for the July 4th holiday with a family menber and actually having a nice time, there are times I get hit with these horrible fear mental waves,  pain and brutal fatigue.

 

I want to really enjoy summer for once and really try to live life that's why this unplugging online break will do good.

 

They say God only gives the hardest battles to his strongest ppl but after a while how much is enough? Hang in there guys.

 

 

 

hey kid text me I cant find you in my phone

hey kid text me I cant find you in my phone

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