Nearly 36 months off and terrible

Hi, buddies. I don’t want this post to scare anyone who isn’t as far off from the benzo as I am, but I’m feeling really desperate and need some input and support. I know that most people don’t have the prolonged withdraw as long as I have had it. So please don’t be scared if you’re more recently tapered.

I am having horrible symptoms. Extreme anxiety, paranoia, air hunger, absolute terror, agoraphobia, blurred vision, difficulty focusing or concentrating on anything. I recently was diagnosed with ADHD by my psychiatrist and I just don’t buy it. I think this is all protracted benzo withdrawal-all of the symptoms. Most of my symptoms throughout my taper and protracted have been mental. I mean absolute mental torture. I’ve had some physical stuff like the air hunger, and weird chest pains, and weird muscle pains etc. But primarily mental.

I’ve tried a little bit of edible Indica here in there and it helps a little bit but it mainly just makes me feel weird. I started taking Lexapro a couple of months ago and I really don’t think it’s doing anything except maybe helping me sleep a little. I should probably get off of it.

I have a good life in so many respects. A new job, good friends, but I just can’t feel anything. I can’t feel anyone’s love or affection, I rarely feel anything towards anyone else except for negativity. My thoughts are constantly racing with negative messages and I’m just exhausted.

I have worked a pretty stressful job throughout my taper and protracted, but I don’t have an option because I have to survive. To an extent I feel like having to be in the world and interact and participate is helpful, but at this point I’m just so tired of doing anything. I feel like my body and mind are just so exhausted from having to fight just to survive every day that everything just feels hopeless and pointless.

If my life is going to be about just survival then that is a very miserable prospect.

Anyone this far out and still struggling this much? Any input that could give me some kind of help would be greatly appreciated.❤️😢

Anyone?

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of this. I'm in a setback myself right now.

 

When I read your list of symptoms, I have never seen them listed as signs of ADHD. I don't understand how your doctor arrived at that diagnosis. I think your gut feeling that this they are related to withdrawal seems right.

 

If the Lexapro isn't helping that much after two months, I wonder if your doc would support you in tapering off of it sooner rather than later?

 

I'm so glad that you're able to participate out in the world, as you said. I'm sure no one would know what a struggle you've been having. It sounds really difficult. It seems like the trend on this site is toward people feeling much better with occasional symptoms that seem to come up out of nowhere and then they continue to feel more like themselves with more energy.

 

It's good that you are checking back here for feedback. Mine is only the first response but others can weigh in.

 

Liz

Thank you, Barroness. As you and everyone on this site knows this is an unprecedented experience. I can’t imagine describing this with any kind of real clarity to anyone except for you guys.

I’m sorry you have had such a severe setback. I also feel like in this last wave I’m worse than when I was tapering. It’s so hard because I feel like I did everything “right“ I tapered slowly over a year and a half and I somehow believed– had this false hope – that I would be better within a few months after I jumped.

I think you’re right that those symptoms are not ADHD. My difficulty concentrating and racing mind are definitely benzodiazepine withdrawal symptoms. I also think you’re right about considering getting off the Lexapro. I’ve only been on it for a couple of months so I can’t think that the taper would be that difficult.

Thank you for reaching out and responding. As you know it can feel so hopeless and dark. I hope you get a window soon.

It’s also the not feeling anything towards anyone. I really don’t even feel anything towards my animals. It makes me feel like I’m dead inside. Usually I’m just irritated and angry. And I feel so awful about it. Like I’m just a robot with no feelings. I get irritated with people and feel like I don’t have any compassion anymore. My job takes a lot of compassion, and I help a lot of people, but I feel nothing. Well I don’t feel nothing I feel angry and irritated and hopeless.

I'm pretty much same Foolscap.  Surviving at 39 months.  Exhausted by the mental stuff.  Recent weeks have been really bad.  Might be reaction to flu shot idk.

 

Feel too tired to detail more specifically, just wanted you to know you are not alone. 

 

I can relate to all you describe. 

 

 

Thanks, Deadwood. It’s truly horrific that people have to suffer this far out. I’m sorry you’re in the same spot.

Just a thought Foolscap.  Could the Lexapro be doing more harm than good? 

 

The only reason I mention it is that I have had some very severe reactions to SSRI's.  Psych said I should never take them again. 

 

I don't really know Foolscap, maybe they do help.  Just my own experience. 

 

This, from someone whose bp was always 120/80 pre benzos now, 39 months later, I'm looking at 190/90 and having big problems finding a bp medication that works. 

 

I now feel like one of those people who say, "benzos have ruined my life."  I'm not like I was in Acute, but I am a different person. 

I’m 39 months off zopiclone and in the same boat. I think mental symptoms by far the hardest thing to deal with, you are constantly fighting your own brain. Wish I could suggest something to help, but J’ve tried everything. You aren’t alone think there are few of us this far out still struggling. You are amazing to have worked through this so well done.

Hi

 

I’m 39 months off and I’m still not fully healed. I’m soooooo much better but a few lingering symptoms remain and do get me down . I find if I’m stressed or trying to hard it knocks me back and I feel frightened again that I’ll never recover but it passes and I’m grateful for feeling ok ish again.

 

I still have physical symptoms but the mental ones creep in when I’m feeling off .

 

Don’t be disheartened, it’s a marathon as the say and things will improve, it just takes time.

 

PO

 

 

I don’t know, Deadwood. I guess I was just so desperate back in April that I thought I would give them a try. I’ve taken Lexapro before without a problem but of course that was before I started tapering off of Clonopin. I really feel like I can’t tell anymore what’s what you know? I mean it’s so hard for me to believe that this is still benzo withdrawal this far out. I have often thought throughout this process that I’m just bat shit crazy you know?

I’m sorry that you’re still struggling so much and that you can’t find a good BP medication. I hope we both find some peace soon.

And I don’t think that we’re not ever going to recover, Deadwood. Everything I’ve read is that everyone recovers. But right now this is hard to believe.

Just a thought Foolscap.  Could the Lexapro be doing more harm than good? 

 

The only reason I mention it is that I have had some very severe reactions to SSRI's.  Psych said I should never take them again. 

 

I don't really know Foolscap, maybe they do help.  Just my own experience. 

 

This, from someone whose bp was always 120/80 pre benzos now, 39 months later, I'm looking at 190/90 and having big problems finding a bp medication that works. 

 

I now feel like one of those people who say, "benzos have ruined my life."  I'm not like I was in Acute, but I am a different person.

I’m 39 months off zopiclone and in the same boat. I think mental symptoms by far the hardest thing to deal with, you are constantly fighting your own brain. Wish I could suggest something to help, but J’ve tried everything. You aren’t alone think there are few of us this far out still struggling. You are amazing to have worked through this so well done.

Oh my God I’m so sorry that you’re still going through it this severely as well. This is freaking horrible. And thanks, I really feel like I didn’t have a choice. It’s really hard to get disability here for a “mental health issue“. And there’s no doctor that would diagnose me with protracted withdrawal syndrome from benzodiazepines!

Hi

 

I’m 39 months off and I’m still not fully healed. I’m soooooo much better but a few lingering symptoms remain and do get me down . I find if I’m stressed or trying to hard it knocks me back and I feel frightened again that I’ll never recover but it passes and I’m grateful for feeling ok ish again.

 

I still have physical symptoms but the mental ones creep in when I’m feeling off .

 

Don’t be disheartened, it’s a marathon as the say and things will improve, it just takes time.

 

PO

I’m glad that you are having improvement. Yeah I think stress and “trying to hard“ are my enemies as well but I’m just so used to pushing through you know? I’ve been surviving really hard shit since I was a little kid so it’s like I don’t know anything else but to keep pushing. However, I know that this is detrimental to benzodiazepine recovery.

Thank you for your kind words and I hope you completely recover soon.

Dang... there's a lot of us in that 36-39 months range who are still suffering. Sending good thoughts to everyone in this thread. I'm experimenting with stopping drinking a cup of coffee in the morning for awhile to see if it helps my symptoms at all. Yesterday was absolutely brutal and I had to spend most of the day at home laying down.

Dang... there's a lot of us in that 36-39 months range who are still suffering. Sending good thoughts to everyone in this thread. I'm experimenting with stopping drinking a cup of coffee in the morning for awhile to see if it helps my symptoms at all. Yesterday was absolutely brutal and I had to spend most of the day at home laying down.

Well I’m glad I’m not alone even though I’m not glad that all of you are suffering at this point as well. And you know what? I spent the whole day in bed yesterday! I did get up and take a walk in the evening and throw some laundry in and that’s it. Same plan for today.