My soul is tired & other spiritual “symptoms” - can anyone relate?

Hi.

 

I understand that this experience, and life in general, is very unique to everyone. But I have some thoughts that I just need to speak out in hopes someone understands.

 

What has really taken me by surprise is the deep spiritual side of this injury. I think for me it is especially dark and deep because of the total loss of self due to severe dpdr, confusion, dissociation, anhedonia and depression. The amount of time I have been in this state is not months but years (~5 years). Not feeling like this is reality, I am real, that life matters, being engaged with the ups and downs of everyday life or just being interested in things. I have been housebound for almost 2 years now with intense suffering as my main “job” every single day - so there has not been room for anything resembling of normalcy. Even the things I do to distract myself are not pleasant, they are just a way to pass the time until I can go back to sleep.

 

I feel so far remove from anything slightly normal that I just can’t seem to fathom how life could ever come back to this numb, confused and withered body. I feel like I am looking the world from a distance, like an alien new to this earth and hence the world looks really weird to me right now. Everything is too loud, too hectic, too egotistical and just too much.

 

What makes matters worse is that this experience in itself isn’t understood by anyone other than the people going through this, so I have to explain my existence every single day without being really understood. I get unasked for advice from people who are living in a totally different reality.

 

I yearn to hear the words “you are safe, don’t worry and take your time, you are doing so great and I can see why you might feel that way because of all the things you have been through in your life”. Just a place to be with my suffering without being fixed or judged.

 

So my question is - has anyone felt such a deep existential crisis and questioning during this? I do practice gratitude and meditate every day, I just can’t feel anything. I am worn down by this battle and right now I feel I am not strong enough for this world. I always felt out of place in this world because I only saw goodness in people and love and compassions matter to me more than anything else. My heart aches all the time and my soul feels tired.

Your pain brings tears to my eyes but what hurts the most is your faith in the world I'm currently living in and your doubt that its worth rejoining.  Yes, it can be ugly if you focus on the negative (which benzo injury absolutely has us focus on) but the beauty, joy, the selflessness of some and kindness of many is here waiting for you when you recover. 

 

You've suffered too long and I understand your pain and exhaustion but please don't give up on yourself, on us who are standing by your side doing our best to lift you up as you go through this.  Recovery is possible and when it happens it feels like a miracle because all of these thoughts and feelings leave us and we're whole once again. 

I am deeply moved by your thoughts and feelings so eloquently, yet painfully, expressed.  You are unique and one of a kind, and there is a warm and welcoming place for you in this sometimes unforgiving world.  Your physical and emotional suffering is real, it is unfair, and beyond what most people will ever have to endure.  You will endure and you will recover, these are the words that you, me, and our fellow benzo buddies must hang on to, sometimes by the skin of our teeth, or as a senior gentleman once told me, “ I am hanging on by an eyelash”.

 

Thinking of you and sending my most fervent and heartfelt wishes for your recovery.

 

GG

 

Wilding:

 

I read your post with so much empathy and understanding!  This journey is so difficult and at times seems unbearable.  I am so glad you were able to express yourself on this forum where you are understood.    I am about six months ahead of you and I assure you things do get better.  Of course, everyone is different and there is no predicting when you will be healed, but you will be completely healed one day.  When you said "your soul is tired" that resonates with me.  Those of us who have been in this fight for two or more years are so weary and ready for the struggle to end.    All the best to you! 

Wilding,

 

I am so touched by your post. Sending you my heart felt empathy and understanding. The Benzo recovery journey is life altering. I have felt many of the feelings you describe.

 

Sandy

I just wanted to say that I was housebound, agoraphobic and with constant dp/Dr for years. For the better part of five, six years. I’ve regained my ability to do everything that I once could not. Once I felt comfortable in my own head and skin life returned to “normal”. It took a lot of hard work and I definitely had a spiritual crisis but I’m proof that this can be overcome no matter how impossible that it feels right now. You can do this.

Wildling,

 

Your post really touched me because I'm suffering so much myself I'm about three months ahead of you. I'm just waiting to turn a corner and hoping for some relief. But each day is quite a major unbelievable horrific struggle right now. I consider myself a positive person and try to stay that way through this but it's been a challenge. I pray and cry out to my Heavenly Father constantly for strength. Sending you warm love and healing thoughts and hoping we both start to turn a corner soon.

 

LiveLife

Cried. You are very articulated, much respect for you reading this, reminded me of a poem by Rainer

Like one who has traveled distant oceans

am I among those who are forever at home.

The crowded days are spread across their tables,

but to me the far-off holds more life.

 

Behind my face stretches a world

no more lived in, perhaps, than the moon.

But the others leave no feeling alone

and all their words are inhabited.

 

The things I brought back with me

seem strange here and out of place.

In their own land they moved like animals,

but here they hold their breath in shame

 

 

Thank you all so much for taking the time and answers. 💜

 

Really. I know how rough this can be and the fact that so many of you choose to write encouragement for others in the midst of your own suffering is just such a beautiful act of compassion.

 

I am trying to hold onto hope and do the right things. I feel less alone knowing that some of you can relate and that for some it has gotten better with time. I am sending each and everyone the same love back.

Cried. You are very articulated, much respect for you reading this, reminded me of a poem by Rainer

Like one who has traveled distant oceans

am I among those who are forever at home.

The crowded days are spread across their tables,

but to me the far-off holds more life.

 

Behind my face stretches a world

no more lived in, perhaps, than the moon.

But the others leave no feeling alone

and all their words are inhabited.

 

The things I brought back with me

seem strange here and out of place.

In their own land they moved like animals,

but here they hold their breath in shame

 

 

I absolutely love this poem. It is so touching!! Thank you for sharing.

 

There  is something about Rilkes work. Have you heard the poem “panther”? It also describes so well the feeling of isolation that we suffer.

Dear Wildling,

Teary eyed. I understand. We understand. It's like being in battle with fellow soldiers. Those back home think they can understand, but they never truly can.

What this journey does to our souls and spirits is indescribable. My journey from start to finish was actually over 2 years. 2 years of my life stolen. And 2 years of my soul being ripped right out.

I know I am on here often encouraging people to keep going, because I know it's worth it on the other side. I'm almost always happy and positive. That is real and it's the real me. But I don't often speak of what this did to me spiritually. It is true that I came out the other side with zero anxiety, greater appreciation for all things, and a more vivid version of myself. But the dark part I went through very much caused existential issues in me.

It's that place where you have suffered so long and so deep, and you feel utterly helpless. Trapped. It is what happens when someone is help captive. I was beyond hanging by a thread. I actually gave up. I just chose to stay alive and thats it. It took me to a place where I no longer believed in the things(faith) I have had since a child. It changed me. To say that we can go through this much suffering and not be changed in certain ways would be ridiculous.

I am different. But I am recovered! I completely enjoy life and my family and friends. I love my sports and hobbies and anything and everything I can do. I laugh and have fun.

It was totally worth staying alive for.

Even if I am a bit different.

I'm so sorry you are still in the battle

Keep going

It's worth it

 

PS, also one thing I just told a buddy the other day that is sometimes helpful:. The more things you can do that remind you of yourself the better. Like he was a golfer so I told him if he can swing the club 1 time, just 1 time ....do it. Or hit one ball....do it. Even if you don't enjoy it....do it. Because when you do come back to yourself.....and you will ....your body won't feel quite as far away from itself, it will remember.

I had a friend that would text me funny stories or memories about myself. I would read them and feel nothing during the suffering. But she kept sending them. Anything that would remind me of the real me. What I was really like. Again, so I wouldn't feel so far away later. It helped.

When I was finally out of the wheelchair, I pushed a basketball against the wall 1 time. Thats all I could do. Then eventually 2 times. It made me feel close to myself.

Now every time I hit the court and swish 3 pointers for an hour......I feel really close to myself.

Wilding

 

Hello, and nice to meet you. I read this post and a little bit of your buddie blog. I wish this had never happened to you. But since it did, I just wanted to share some thoughts-- not advice or anything like that, because I don't fully understand what you've been going through. I have burning nerve pain (and other bizarre sensations) and go through spells of feeling emotionally blunted. But I don't think "blunted" comes close to what you are experiencing.

 

Here are some objective things I've observed in your posts and interactions here:

 

You are a good writer and are consistently clear and expressive throughout your posts. That is real. That comes from somewhere through you. Your communications are poetic, so that is still true about you.

 

You are sensitive to the feelings of the other people on the forum and always express gratitude and support in return. That isn't someone else doing that, that is all you.

 

You have made connections with other buddies on here and it appears to me that they love you. Even if you can't feel it, you've made those connections and they know it's you they're writing to, and not someone else. You're real to all of us who read your thoughts.

 

You might feel detached, but other people clearly feel an attachment to you. That will probably continue until the day you can feel it.

 

In spite of everything that is causing you to suffer, you're a distinct person with a personality that doesn't get erased.

 

There is a symbol in the I Ching translated as "Brilliance Injured". I think that is what happened to you. You are still suffering from the injury, but you're also still brilliant. Even when you are describing how dim everything seems, you still have a light that others can see.

 

When you recover, and mostly likely even before that is complete, you will be able to participate in life faster than you imagine. It won't all be uphill. I think this is because there is muscle memory and neural pathways that pick up the pace without us having to think about it. I have had a chronic pain and fatigue condition my whole adult life (am now about to turn 54) and I have experienced remissions over and over again where I couldn't believe how quickly liberation and renewal showed up.

 

Certain behaviors and emotions are activated in clusters, and just like our current painful ones, many good ones come along together, not just one at a time. Joy and gratitude arrive as a flood. But for now, going through the motions, even if it's just one thing, as Southern Belle shared, that is enough.

 

I'm going to have to remind myself of all of this before the day is over, because I'm struggling too.

Liz

 

You are safe, don’t worry and take your time, you are doing so great and I can see why you might feel that way because of all the things you have been through in your life.

Cried. You are very articulated, much respect for you reading this, reminded me of a poem by Rainer

Like one who has traveled distant oceans

am I among those who are forever at home.

The crowded days are spread across their tables,

but to me the far-off holds more life.

 

Behind my face stretches a world

no more lived in, perhaps, than the moon.

But the others leave no feeling alone

and all their words are inhabited.

 

The things I brought back with me

seem strange here and out of place.

In their own land they moved like animals,

but here they hold their breath in shame

 

 

I absolutely love this poem. It is so touching!! Thank you for sharing.

 

There  is something about Rilkes work. Have you heard the poem “panther”? It also describes so well the feeling of isolation that we suffer.

Yes!!! It's framed and on my wall, it is beautiful.  You express yourself very well, it makes me jealous I couldn't have written what you did,  it's the way I feel but couldn't word and I'm glad I got to read it.  It's been the hardest part in a way,  because it's like grief and so painful.

Dear Wildling,

Teary eyed. I understand. We understand. It's like being in battle with fellow soldiers. Those back home think they can understand, but they never truly can.

What this journey does to our souls and spirits is indescribable. My journey from start to finish was actually over 2 years. 2 years of my life stolen. And 2 years of my soul being ripped right out.

I know I am on here often encouraging people to keep going, because I know it's worth it on the other side. I'm almost always happy and positive. That is real and it's the real me. But I don't often speak of what this did to me spiritually. It is true that I came out the other side with zero anxiety, greater appreciation for all things, and a more vivid version of myself. But the dark part I went through very much caused existential issues in me.

It's that place where you have suffered so long and so deep, and you feel utterly helpless. Trapped. It is what happens when someone is help captive. I was beyond hanging by a thread. I actually gave up. I just chose to stay alive and thats it. It took me to a place where I no longer believed in the things(faith) I have had since a child. It changed me. To say that we can go through this much suffering and not be changed in certain ways would be ridiculous.

I am different. But I am recovered! I completely enjoy life and my family and friends. I love my sports and hobbies and anything and everything I can do. I laugh and have fun.

It was totally worth staying alive for.

Even if I am a bit different.

I'm so sorry you are still in the battle

Keep going

It's worth it

 

PS, also one thing I just told a buddy the other day that is sometimes helpful:. The more things you can do that remind you of yourself the better. Like he was a golfer so I told him if he can swing the club 1 time, just 1 time ....do it. Or hit one ball....do it. Even if you don't enjoy it....do it. Because when you do come back to yourself.....and you will ....your body won't feel quite as far away from itself, it will remember.

I had a friend that would text me funny stories or memories about myself. I would read them and feel nothing during the suffering. But she kept sending them. Anything that would remind me of the real me. What I was really like. Again, so I wouldn't feel so far away later. It helped.

When I was finally out of the wheelchair, I pushed a basketball against the wall 1 time. Thats all I could do. Then eventually 2 times. It made me feel close to myself.

Now every time I hit the court and swish 3 pointers for an hour......I feel really close to myself.

 

Thank you so much for answering, truly. Did you feel, at any point of your recovery, so depressed, numb and tired that you thought, what’s the point of healing and trying anymore? I just feel like I will never be able to integrate back to society after this experience. I am happy you are better and on the other side knowing how rough your journey was to get there!

Much love

Wilding

 

Hello, and nice to meet you. I read this post and a little bit of your buddie blog. I wish this had never happened to you. But since it did, I just wanted to share some thoughts-- not advice or anything like that, because I don't fully understand what you've been going through. I have burning nerve pain (and other bizarre sensations) and go through spells of feeling emotionally blunted. But I don't think "blunted" comes close to what you are experiencing.

 

Here are some objective things I've observed in your posts and interactions here:

 

You are a good writer and are consistently clear and expressive throughout your posts. That is real. That comes from somewhere through you. Your communications are poetic, so that is still true about you.

 

You are sensitive to the feelings of the other people on the forum and always express gratitude and support in return. That isn't someone else doing that, that is all you.

 

You have made connections with other buddies on here and it appears to me that they love you. Even if you can't feel it, you've made those connections and they know it's you they're writing to, and not someone else. You're real to all of us who read your thoughts.

 

You might feel detached, but other people clearly feel an attachment to you. That will probably continue until the day you can feel it.

 

In spite of everything that is causing you to suffer, you're a distinct person with a personality that doesn't get erased.

 

There is a symbol in the I Ching translated as "Brilliance Injured". I think that is what happened to you. You are still suffering from the injury, but you're also still brilliant. Even when you are describing how dim everything seems, you still have a light that others can see.

 

When you recover, and mostly likely even before that is complete, you will be able to participate in life faster than you imagine. It won't all be uphill. I think this is because there is muscle memory and neural pathways that pick up the pace without us having to think about it. I have had a chronic pain and fatigue condition my whole adult life (am now about to turn 54) and I have experienced remissions over and over again where I couldn't believe how quickly liberation and renewal showed up.

 

Certain behaviors and emotions are activated in clusters, and just like our current painful ones, many good ones come along together, not just one at a time. Joy and gratitude arrive as a flood. But for now, going through the motions, even if it's just one thing, as Southern Belle shared, that is enough.

 

I'm going to have to remind myself of all of this before the day is over, because I'm struggling too.

Liz

 

Hi Liz and thank you so much for taking the time to write such a beautiful answer to my distress and I am so sorry you are struggling as well!

 

I simply adore the I Ching symbol! That is so profound. It is close to the native archetype of the wounded healer. Which we certainly all are.

 

I share the same experience with you about having chronic conditions long time and having remissions from them for time to time. I’ve had them for the past 10 years, but it seems you have been on this journey for quite a long time and it certainly shows as the wisdoms that is so present in your words.

 

I don’t have enough energy to say all the things I wishes, but I truly appreciate your response. All the best to you

Cried. You are very articulated, much respect for you reading this, reminded me of a poem by Rainer

Like one who has traveled distant oceans

am I among those who are forever at home.

The crowded days are spread across their tables,

but to me the far-off holds more life.

 

Behind my face stretches a world

no more lived in, perhaps, than the moon.

But the others leave no feeling alone

and all their words are inhabited.

 

The things I brought back with me

seem strange here and out of place.

In their own land they moved like animals,

but here they hold their breath in shame

 

 

I absolutely love this poem. It is so touching!! Thank you for sharing.

 

There  is something about Rilkes work. Have you heard the poem “panther”? It also describes so well the feeling of isolation that we suffer.

Yes!!! It's framed and on my wall, it is beautiful.  You express yourself very well, it makes me jealous I couldn't have written what you did,  it's the way I feel but couldn't word and I'm glad I got to read it.  It's been the hardest part in a way,  because it's like grief and so painful.

 

Thank you dear foxclover

I am so sorry you can relate to this. It is hard. I am hoping we will soon get some relief from this emotional pain and grief

Sending you much love

Dear Wildling,

Teary eyed. I understand. We understand. It's like being in battle with fellow soldiers. Those back home think they can understand, but they never truly can.

What this journey does to our souls and spirits is indescribable. My journey from start to finish was actually over 2 years. 2 years of my life stolen. And 2 years of my soul being ripped right out.

I know I am on here often encouraging people to keep going, because I know it's worth it on the other side. I'm almost always happy and positive. That is real and it's the real me. But I don't often speak of what this did to me spiritually. It is true that I came out the other side with zero anxiety, greater appreciation for all things, and a more vivid version of myself. But the dark part I went through very much caused existential issues in me.

It's that place where you have suffered so long and so deep, and you feel utterly helpless. Trapped. It is what happens when someone is help captive. I was beyond hanging by a thread. I actually gave up. I just chose to stay alive and thats it. It took me to a place where I no longer believed in the things(faith) I have had since a child. It changed me. To say that we can go through this much suffering and not be changed in certain ways would be ridiculous.

I am different. But I am recovered! I completely enjoy life and my family and friends. I love my sports and hobbies and anything and everything I can do. I laugh and have fun.

It was totally worth staying alive for.

Even if I am a bit different.

I'm so sorry you are still in the battle

Keep going

It's worth it

 

PS, also one thing I just told a buddy the other day that is sometimes helpful:. The more things you can do that remind you of yourself the better. Like he was a golfer so I told him if he can swing the club 1 time, just 1 time ....do it. Or hit one ball....do it. Even if you don't enjoy it....do it. Because when you do come back to yourself.....and you will ....your body won't feel quite as far away from itself, it will remember.

I had a friend that would text me funny stories or memories about myself. I would read them and feel nothing during the suffering. But she kept sending them. Anything that would remind me of the real me. What I was really like. Again, so I wouldn't feel so far away later. It helped.

When I was finally out of the wheelchair, I pushed a basketball against the wall 1 time. Thats all I could do. Then eventually 2 times. It made me feel close to myself.

Now every time I hit the court and swish 3 pointers for an hour......I feel really close to myself.

 

Thank you so much for answering, truly. Did you feel, at any point of your recovery, so depressed, numb and tired that you thought, what’s the point of healing and trying anymore? I just feel like I will never be able to integrate back to society after this experience. I am happy you are better and on the other side knowing how rough your journey was to get there!

Much love

 

Yes, I absolutely felt that way. But the point is that I chose to stay alive. It was a very basic thing to choose really, like I decided there was no other option. So I was essentially stripped of all hope, but just chose every day to eat, drink, and stay alive. It is basically how I survived it. That and I have an incredible husband and parents who told me to keep going.

It was worth surviving! I reintegrated back into the world with profound joy.

I hope that comes soon for you!!!

You are safe, don’t worry and take your time, you are doing so great and I can see why you might feel that way because of all the things you have been through in your life.

 

Thank you for saying that ❤️

Yes, I absolutely felt that way. But the point is that I chose to stay alive. It was a very basic thing to choose really, like I decided there was no other option. So I was essentially stripped of all hope, but just chose every day to eat, drink, and stay alive. It is basically how I survived it. That and I have an incredible husband and parents who told me to keep going.

It was worth surviving! I reintegrated back into the world with profound joy.

I hope that comes soon for you!!!

 

Thank you ❤️ It makes me feel a little less hopeless to know that someone can relate to this exhaustion. That is what I have been doing for the past 6 months - just staying alive. Waking up, eating when I can, distracting when I can, sleeping, going through the motions of life and that way trying to keep my body alive. My parents are my reason. I have lost hope of ever healing or feeling good in this body but I am letting time and god be the judge of that.

 

Wow, so great that you feel profound joy!! It’s so weird how I can’t even phantom that right now, like it’s a totally foreign concept.