Healed after very short term Ativan prescription

I think it's time! There have been no symptom flare-ups that I can attribute to the benzo post-withdrawal for about 4 weeks now. It doesn't feel like just a window, and the most persistent symptom - the morning cortisol rushes has disappeared. I'm declaring a success after 9 months since I took last of the 0.5 mg Ativan pills.

 

Background

 

In 2019, 2020, and 2021 I started drinking more and more -- it wasn't affecting my job or relationship, so I thought... why bother changing the routine? After years of "regular" drinking, and this heavy consumption towards the end, obviously my nervous system was not in a good shape. I had my first panic attack that landed me in the ER in May 2021, after a night of heavy drinking and lots of energy drinks and coffee (I loved coffee). It was obvious that it was alcohol and probably the caffeine that's caused my CNS to go haywire, but I resumed drinking and coffee a few weeks later nonetheless.

 

Benzos

 

The panic attacks continued, so I got Ativan prescribed. Just 10 pills of 0.5 mg each. I took a few of them on occasion -- to quell a panic attack, before going to a dentist, etc. The first week of September of 2021 after a few days of heavier than usual drinking, every morning I would wake up in a panic and take Ativan, thinking it would be a good cure for this "hangxiety". It would make me feel pretty nice -- the pill made me an afternoon napper -- I'd never take naps before!

 

After several days of this, I kept waking up every day feeling severe panic that lasted for hours. I had to continuously pace without stopping -- I could not sit still. I was shivering and crying. I took Ativan which subsided it a little bit, but didn't quite stop it. Powering through like this, I'd give up the next morning, and take another Ativan. This lasted for about a week. The Ativan would wear off toward the evening and some times I'd take another one just to "survive".

 

I chalked it up to alcohol WD's at first, but considering everything, it was most likely the Ativan, combined with alcohol that has put me into this state. After some research, I decided to "quit while I'm ahead" and stopped Ativan -- I only took 10 pills in the course of less than 2 weeks. I was already alcohol-free for over a week now, so technically I should have been through the worst of the alcohol wd's anyways, right? Well the benzo took hold...

 

Post Withdrawal (TW)

 

Next weeks was your regular benzo acute hell. I have discovered a new feeling that wasn't pain, but much much worse. I had to research to put what I'm feeling into words -- akathisia, anhedonia, depression, constant unrelenting panic attacks. I dealt with this by walking outside for hours on end. Keeping my HR through exercise to match the rhythm of my adrenalin-soaked heart. I could not eat. My bowels were a mess. Laying down would immediately jolt me up with a cortisol rush. After exhausting my body, I would able to get 4-5 hours of sleep, just to wake up with another cortisol rush, and another day-long panic. I developed visual snow, tinnitus, head and chest pressure, coat-hanger pain, random pains, neuropathy, fasciculations, tension headaches, and daily panic attacks. I could concentrate on nothing. I could not work or sleep or distract myself. The brain fog was unrelenting. I would forget why I would enter rooms, where my keys were... Just writing about it is difficult.

 

I discovered this forum and it put everything in perspective. What followed was the long wait and dealing with it. Because of my short term use, I thought I will recover quickly, but I didn't mentally rush it -- let it take as long as it needed to take. I told my work that I will be performing at 10% capacity for the foreseeable future due to a health concern, and took 3 weeks off.

 

The health anxiety was debilitating. I thought I had B6 toxicity, parkinson's, MS, adrenal issues, thyroid issues, brain tumor, etc... I decided I'd take the informed route and tested for everything -- vitamin and mineral deficiencies, hormones, adrenals, sugar, thyroid, holter, a heart ultrasound, and a full body MRI. I had a complete understanding of my body. Every pimple and mole was accounted for. I'd pester my doctor about everything. Of course they couldn't understand how this could have been the benzo.

 

Improvement

 

For months I'd log my symptoms every day just to see if things are improving over time. Things got better. The last major panic attack was on day 35 since cessation... before that they were daily. Old symptoms like depression went away as well, but new ones, like PVCs appeared and disappeared over the next months.

 

I learned how to be patient and follow a healthy routine. I quit alcohol, coffee, and most sugar. Walking became running -- what started out as a daily 3-4 miles of walking became a daily 5k, or a 3-times-a-week 10k. I kept improving my health every day. Even with the post-withdrawal symptoms still plaguing me, I had a lot of things to be proud of. The daily immersion in nature, the sleep routine, the runners high, gave me enough endorphins to have 1-3 hours every day of feeling like myself. The lows were annoying, but that's just what I told myself -- it's just like a leg cramp you get at night -- really painful but temporary. Just gotta power through it.

 

Advice

 

Obviously, thank you all so much for reiterating how this is temporary and we all heal. It's hard to see the process day to day, but if you log your symptoms, and then go back and re-read what you wrote months ago, you'll see how far you're moving.

 

The most important and effective things for me were 1. figuring out sleep and 2. exercise. Sleep was tough especially with the morning cortisol rushes. In order to facilitate sleep, I established a healthy routine -- exercise enough to exhaust myself during the day, then take a hot bath in the evening, follow by sleepy time tea with l-theanine, and occasional melatonin. Lights out at 9. I'd still wake up at 4-5 am, but at least I'd get enough sleep to function.

 

Exercise basically saved me. Brought the recovery difficulty from 11 to maybe 7. I spent hours every day walking and running the local neighborhoods, parks, and trails. Rain or shine. Cold or heat. Sometime I'd feel nothing, but oftentimes I would get a burst of happiness while on my morning walk. When I started running as a routine, I started experiencing runner's high from a long 1+ hours of running, which was basically euphoric. Highly recommend. Just watch your knees.

 

Supplement-wise, I experimented with various magnesiums, GABA, L-theanine, but nothing brought really noticeable results. Occasional rescue valerian really helped. Now I take Heart Calm, which is Mag Taurate, and Calm Aid, which is Lavender Oil / Silexan. It doesn't seen to have any side effects for me, and I can have weeks without it with no noticeable changes. Maybe it's a placebo at this point.

 

The End

 

Over all, I came out of this basically repaired and improved. I am equipped with patience, reason, empathy for others' pain, and loads of coping strategies for anxiety that I share with my loved ones and strangers online. I have lost 75 lbs and got to my high school weight. I'm no longer pre-diabetic. I no longer have high blood pressure. I no longer crave instant gratification. I no longer drink coffee and alcohol and I don't really miss it. I do have an occasional NA beer and decaf coffee, but neither substance is a part of my life.

 

To everyone going through withdrawal taper, or post-withdrawal after taper or CT, I wish you the best in your recovery, and I hope you can internalize that the things that are happening to you are a part of the healing process, and eventually, after what seems like a long time (but actually is a relatively brief period in your life), you also will heal.

 

 

 

 

I am so happy to read this and for your recovery!  I have been following you due to similar usage and timeline and hope to write a success story in the near future.  Sincere heartfelt congrats!

Thanks, Newbie! Wishing you a speedy recovery. You're probably at the tail end of it now.

Thanks for sharing your story kzw, you were so smart to record your symptoms, I so wish I'd have done that so I could have recognized I was recovering instead of relying on the lies my benzo brain was telling me.

 

Congratulations on your newfound health and lifestyle, you're a phoenix who has risen from the ashes of a benzodiazepine nightmare.

Great to hear, KZW! I remember meeting you here when were both in fairly bad shape. So glad to see you're getting on with life! Enjoy it!

I’m happy for your recovery. I hope you continue to improve and go on to live a nice symptom free life. I wish I could exercise or go on walks past 5 minutes. My symptoms won’t let me. But it’s slowly improving. 

Thanks for this reminder. Even though you were a short time user and short recovery, the hell this gives us is still hellacious. So congrats to you.

@[...] you only took 10 pills of Ativan? Wow. And you went through all this. I've taken 50 at most. Over a 4 months period. Are you your old self again? You feel all emotions?. 

@[...] was it only ten pills you took? Or was it more.?