Bad day. Need reassurance and DPDR question.

I'm having a horrible day. I'm about 4.5 months off and things are awful.

I feel discouraged that I haven't made any progress, and things seem to be getting worse. I'm scared and terrified this will never leave or I will never recover, and then feel desperate. I don't really have any windows. I'm starting to wonder if I have brain damage or something other than withdrawal from psychiatric meds because others seem to be doing better by now.

 

One thing I can't wrap my head around is this feeling in my soul/emotions/head that seems like everything is "gone" or "empty". Like, literally. There always seems to be a block in my head that prevents me from thinking or feeling the way I used to. I feel like it's there but it's distant or in the back of my head where I can't reach it or feel it. If I just look out into the world, it feels like I'm not connected to it or "there" with it. Like I'm looking at a blank canvas and all I have is everything I used to know or the emotions and feelings I have in my mind already but I can't attach them to anything. It feels like I'm "not here" or "can't think".

 

Even things like panic attacks, and depression... all feel different. It doesn't feel like normal anxiety or depression, or something I can wrap my head around. It feels more toxic, and inhuman, and it all happens somewhere else in my brain where I can't really connect to it or reach it to process it. So it's worse because it's like I'll have severe anxiety but it won't register emotionally as anxiety, and instead, it just feels like something horrible is happening in my body but I can't feel or identify it without consciously thinking about it.

 

Is this part of DPDR? Am I just going nuts? I'm having a hard time today finding the will to keep going. I feel like everyone hates me, I hate myself, everything feels bad, and dark, and scary, and I don't want to live in this kind of world.

I know what you mean with all that,  it's is a blockage but you are going trough a process and  this will ease up and get better with time, given time you will feel more like yourself regarding everything you pointed, at 5 months I was in severe, very severe distress... you can't be and feel human when you are in completely shock, this shocking state will dissipate as your brain is readapting..  , aside of that, I don't know about how bad you are feeling, but from personal experience it can be very bad, complete terror .. that was what I was dealing with at 5 months, Terrorific symptoms and anxiety...

 

what I can suggest is a trial with dimethylsulfoxide to address neurotoxicity in general, It won't change that you are going through a process that takes time but its a way to address neuroi- inflamattion and neurotoxicity, something important to address in my point of view .. ways to address neuroinflamartion in my pov are dimethylsulfoxide, or rapamycin weekly witch is not so easy to have access and may be more risky  , another one that I don't have personal experience with yet is alpha lipoic acid , those are my best bets in this regard ....just a word,  it's very easy to get desperate, very easy to lose it daily and very difficult to endure this process, and thats how it went for me for endless months ..so don't judge yourself, distract as you can if you can.. just don't give up because it will get better

I appreciate the reassurance feedback.

 

I, personally, will not be taking any supplements due to poor experiences.

 

Maybe they work for some but not willing to take the risk.

I know what you mean with all that,  it's is a blockage but you are going trough a process and  this will ease up and get better with time, given time you will feel more like yourself regarding everything you pointed, at 5 months I was in severe, very severe distress... you can't be and feel human when you are in completely shock, this shocking state will dissipate as your brain is readapting..  , aside of that, I don't know about how bad you are feeling, but from personal experience it can be very bad, complete terror .. that was what I was dealing with at 5 months, Terrorific symptoms and anxiety...

 

what I can suggest is a trial with dimethylsulfoxide to address neurotoxicity in general, It won't change that you are going through a process that takes time but its a way to address neuroi- inflamattion and neurotoxicity, something important to address in my point of view .. ways to address neuroinflamartion in my pov are dimethylsulfoxide, or rapamycin weekly witch is not so easy to have access and may be more risky  , another one that I don't have personal experience with yet is alpha lipoic acid , those are my best bets in this regard ....just a word,  it's very easy to get desperate, very easy to lose it daily and very difficult to endure this process, and thats how it went for me for endless months ..so don't judge yourself, distract as you can if you can.. just don't give up because it will get better

 

Denizthekid,

 

While you take care to use the word "suggest", its inappropriate to recommend supplements to someone who was looking for reassurance.  If this member were on the Alternate Therapies board looking for recommendations it would be different as long as the you phrased your suggestion appropriately, used your own experience and provided credible documentation or citations to back up your claims.

 

Please familiarize yourself with our policy and this additional guidance when discussing supplements.

 

Pamster

 

Please adopt a non-prescriptive writing style. Relating your experiences, stating options, or posting suggestions of what other members might do are all welcome. However, advising members of what they should or must do is against the ethos of the BenzoBuddies Community. Nor should you attempt to 'diagnose' medical problems or suggest medical treatments to other members. This policy also applies to members with medical qualifications. A more detailed explanation of this policy can be found in our Guidelines Regarding the Giving of Medical Advice document.

 

POSTING ADVICE - Updated 2011-04-26

 

BenzoBuddies does not endorse any unconventional medicine, therapy, or treatment. Nor do we endorse the use of supplements or 'herbs'. You might ask why we have an Alternative Therapies and Supplements board at all!? Well, BenzoBuddies is a discussion forum, and there is quite a lot of interest in these subjects within the membership. Or, at least, members often come across references and suggestions for non-mainstream treatments. It is better that they have the opportunity to discuss these matters, where others might reference reliable information and clarifications, rather than be left in the dark. Surely, some alternative therapies/treatments/supplements are harmless and some even might be of benefit, but without the opportunity for discussion, some members might be tempted into trying something they should avoid.

 

Because these topics often discuss matters outside of the mainstream, and are of largely unproven efficacy, or even possibly dangerous, we have decided that they should be posted to a separate area of the forum. We do not mean to elevate the importance of these topics by assigning them to their own dedicated board. It is purely about us keeping the forum organised, these topics away from the more mainstream content, and away from the majority of skeptical or uninterested members.

 

Posts to this board must not promote the use of alternative therapies and treatments. Keep threads discussional in tone. Where possible, link to credible research to back up your claims of efficacy. Wikipedia is great resource for many topics that might arise on this board. If you come across any questionable claims on this board, you are encouraged to counter-post with reliable information from trusted sources.

 

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SpeakZarathrusta,

 

I know how terrifying it is to lose your connection to yourself, we don't recognize who we are anymore because we can't feel what we used to.  Because we lose ourselves, we also lose our connection to others, we're strangers to ourselves, and unable to take comfort from the love of our family and friends, this is one of most cruel aspects of this nightmare.  But we return, I know it seems hopeless but it isn't so please hang on to my words and trust those who have gone before you, you will know love and peace again.

 

The discouraging aspect of this process is the games it plays with our minds in terms of recovery.  Why do we seem to go backwards, how can an injury not heal in a linear fashion?  I don't know the answer to this but I do know that even if it feels like we're going backwards, healing is still happening.  As your brain knits back together the pathways the drug disrupted it can feel like we're going in reverse but we aren't.  I'm reminded of projects I've taken on around my house, anyone who has ever done a plumbing project understands that trips to the plumbing store no matter how prepared you are happen.  Your brain is prepared, it has all the tools to complete the job but sometimes it has to make that trip.

 

I know I'm oversimplifying but every cell in your body knows what to do, we can throw the kitchen sink at the problem or we can trust that the way our magnificent bodies were designed will see us through, and I absolutely believe yours will see you through. 

Thank you for responding to this Pamster. Did you ever feel agitated after eating, regardless of the food?

I didn't have any food issues that I can recall, I was nauseous much of the time so I only ate what sounded palatable and that was usually peanut butter.  I was agitated all of the time though, restless, inner trembling, couldn't sit still, no peace, you know how it is.