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No windows. Just suffering all day.


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been over a month and absolutely no windows just tourment and suffering.

 

I can see mild cases able to work and severe cases unable tovwork and dont heal. very very distressing

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No not even close to okay. I have no calm im in absolute misery and pain all day morning untill night. amy body is just in complete distress and then my mind becomes full of intrusive bad thoughts.
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No not even close to okay. I have no calm im in absolute misery and pain all day morning untill night. amy body is just in complete distress and then my mind becomes full of intrusive bad thoughts.

I quit cold and it wasn't until a couple months ago that I could even function without severe fear and anxiety, it's normal but I know it's really bad. My physical symptoms are greater now that the mental ones beyond the still obsessing over what is wrong with me which seems impossible not to do. It's so hard to distract when you're in the high anxiety state, you're not alone,  it's so hard I'm really sorry. If you need to talk you can pm me.

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truth is we all heal differently, and time is the only cure, do progressive muscle tension and relaxation, do diaphragmatic breathing, do meditation, do anything you can, and always remember even though your brain will try to convince you otherwise this will one day allpass and everything that's happening to you is because of the benzodiazepine withdrawal, I thought for years that I had a mental issue, the truth is I was on benzodiazepine's daily for over 16 years, it took a long time for me to feel any kind of inner peace, but it happened for me, and it will definitely happen for you, I know it's hard but try to be patient with yourself and anytime you have any type of strange or crazy thoughts just keep on telling yourself, this is not me, this is the benzodiazepine's
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If it makes you feel any better, as far as I know everyone does eventually heal from taking benzos.  There are certainly people out there who in no way think they are going to get better but eventually you see those same people posting on here that they've healed.  Your brain is always seeking equilibrium and is continuously working on reconstructing itself.  You can take heart in that at least.  Benzo brain will typically tell a person that they're the exception to the rule, that everyone else will heal except them.  So sorry to hear that you are in pain though.   
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Hello, Bedbound here. I could not talk to people.  I was in so much pain and didn't want my family to see me like this. I could not leave my room, I could not shower. I could not do any chores or even get my own food. I was afraid of everything and everyone. I did not want to be looked at. Everything I ate, water included triggered burning, pain throughout, trouble breathing. It was so painful I begged for them to stop force feeding me. My legs were in pain and could not stop moving. I cried and cried from the pain and the fear. It was a mental battle to get out of my bed to turn off my light much less go out to buy anything. Anxiety 24/7. I thought I am so bad I will not make it a month. I thought if I am never going to get better its not worth it. I made it by continuing to exist and only focus on making it to the next hour. For a long time minute by minute. And you probably know how long a F'n minute can be. I had no windows.

 

Yes it takes a long time for bad cases to heal. But you are still in acute, you won't know how bad your case is until you get out.

 

Now I can eat with it hurting less. I have malabsorption issues. I can talk to people and I am not afraid off things around me as much. I can take showers. My legs hurt but a heavy weighted blanket helps a lot. I have very bad sleep. Acute is HELL. I don't know anyones chances. But I know when you are in acute you think you have none.

So my question is, why do you need to go out now? Is it for a job? Is it for friends?

 

 

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Hello, Bedbound here. I could not talk to people. I was badly highly suicidal. I was threatened into staying alive by my partner, who said if I died on purpose then they would too. I'm sure that is the reason I am not dead.  I wanted to because I was in so much pain and didn't want my family to see me like this. I could not leave my room, I could not shower. I could not do any chores or even get my own food. I was afraid of everything and everyone. I did not want to be looked at. Everything I ate, water included triggered burning, pain throughout, trouble breathing. It was so painful I begged for them to stop force feeding me. My legs were in pain and could not stop moving. I cried and cried from the pain and the fear. It was a mental battle to get out of my bed to turn off my light much less go out to buy anything. Anxiety 24/7. I thought I am so bad I will not make it a month. I thought if I am never going to get better its not worth it. I made it by continuing to exist and only focus on making it to the next hour. For a long time minute by minute. And you probably know how long a F'n minute can be.

 

Now I can eat with it hurting less. I have malabsorption issues. I can talk to people and I am not afraid off things around me as much. I can take showers. My legs hurt but a heavy weighted blanket helps a lot. I have very bad sleep. Acute is HELL. I don't know anyones chances. But I know when you are in acute you think you have none.

So my question is, why do you need to go out now? Is it for a job? Is it for friends?

 

For one i am getting married soon  have engagement parties, bachelor parties and then a wedding in next few months. I am so beyond bed bound i dont know how i am going to do any of those things. I am not even working right now or doing anything that required me getting out of my bed. i have been disbaked for almost 3 months now and no one in my life knows this accept my fiance who sees me cry almost everday and she is hopeful i will recover to the point where i can atleast pretend to be okay. but i am no where near that point but at this point i have no choice  i lose eveythjng regardless there is so much on the line. so ill atleast die trying

 

all of these plans were made pre benzo damage so yah im so fucked. my life is just waiting to collapse at this point. everyone is about to find out how mentally ill i am

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Hello, Bedbound here. I could not talk to people. I was badly highly suicidal. I was threatened into staying alive by my partner, who said if I died on purpose then they would too. I'm sure that is the reason I am not dead.  I wanted to because I was in so much pain and didn't want my family to see me like this. I could not leave my room, I could not shower. I could not do any chores or even get my own food. I was afraid of everything and everyone. I did not want to be looked at. Everything I ate, water included triggered burning, pain throughout, trouble breathing. It was so painful I begged for them to stop force feeding me. My legs were in pain and could not stop moving. I cried and cried from the pain and the fear. It was a mental battle to get out of my bed to turn off my light much less go out to buy anything. Anxiety 24/7. I thought I am so bad I will not make it a month. I thought if I am never going to get better its not worth it. I made it by continuing to exist and only focus on making it to the next hour. For a long time minute by minute. And you probably know how long a F'n minute can be.

 

Now I can eat with it hurting less. I have malabsorption issues. I can talk to people and I am not afraid off things around me as much. I can take showers. My legs hurt but a heavy weighted blanket helps a lot. I have very bad sleep. Acute is HELL. I don't know anyones chances. But I know when you are in acute you think you have none.

So my question is, why do you need to go out now? Is it for a job? Is it for friends?

 

For one i am getting married soon  have engagement parties, bachelor parties and then a wedding in next few months. I am so beyond bed bound i dont know how i am going to do any of those things. I am not even working right now or doing anything that required me getting out of my bed. i have been disbaked for almost 3 months now and no one in my life knows this accept my fiance who sees me cry almost everday and she is hopeful i will recover to the point where i can atleast pretend to be okay. but i am no where near that point but at this point i have no choice  i lose eveythjng regardless there is so much on the line. so ill atleast die trying

Holy Cr@p

I was just about to get married! Everything you said! For me everything was canceled.  It killed me, but staying alive was important. My partner was the only one to have hope. They for some crazy far out reason thought  I had the ablity to get better When all I wanted to do was die and leave them what money I had. They cried everyday because they saw me in pain and there was nothing they could do.

 

I just told my partner what you said and they gapped at you wrote. I don't know how similar our stories actually are and it would be pretentious of me to assume. It just surprised me. But I do understand losing everything because you can not leave your bed. But even with just being left with a roof over my head and my partner, right now it is ok.

 

I admire your die trying attitude. I wasn't planning on the trying part. You do what is best for you.

 

I asked my partner how long did it take for me to talk to people again. They told me about 4-5 months. Things got better around month 6. The first few months were hell. dpdr hell with everything else.

 

 

 

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Hello, Bedbound here. I could not talk to people. I was badly highly suicidal. I was threatened into staying alive by my partner, who said if I died on purpose then they would too. I'm sure that is the reason I am not dead.  I wanted to because I was in so much pain and didn't want my family to see me like this. I could not leave my room, I could not shower. I could not do any chores or even get my own food. I was afraid of everything and everyone. I did not want to be looked at. Everything I ate, water included triggered burning, pain throughout, trouble breathing. It was so painful I begged for them to stop force feeding me. My legs were in pain and could not stop moving. I cried and cried from the pain and the fear. It was a mental battle to get out of my bed to turn off my light much less go out to buy anything. Anxiety 24/7. I thought I am so bad I will not make it a month. I thought if I am never going to get better its not worth it. I made it by continuing to exist and only focus on making it to the next hour. For a long time minute by minute. And you probably know how long a F'n minute can be. I had no windows.

 

Yes it takes a long time for bad cases to heal. But you are still in acute, you won't know how bad your case is until you get out.

 

Now I can eat with it hurting less. I have malabsorption issues. I can talk to people and I am not afraid off things around me as much. I can take showers. My legs hurt but a heavy weighted blanket helps a lot. I have very bad sleep. Acute is HELL. I don't know anyones chances. But I know when you are in acute you think you have none.

So my question is, why do you need to go out now? Is it for a job? Is it for friends?

 

so you went from suffering  and being bedbound  to still being bedbound but not suffering?

 

i am so sorry to hear this and i am like this right now so i feel your pain. we will not heal like the mild cases

 

Yes, Physically I can not leave my bed because my body is a bit of a wreak. You are right. I do not know how much we can heal. I'm not great but I am nowhere in the pain I was. I am not suicidal, I am for the most part a normal person who has body problems. My emotions are  a little flat but I still care about people and spending time with my partner.

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Hello, Bedbound here. I could not talk to people. I was badly highly suicidal. I was threatened into staying alive by my partner, who said if I died on purpose then they would too. I'm sure that is the reason I am not dead.  I wanted to because I was in so much pain and didn't want my family to see me like this. I could not leave my room, I could not shower. I could not do any chores or even get my own food. I was afraid of everything and everyone. I did not want to be looked at. Everything I ate, water included triggered burning, pain throughout, trouble breathing. It was so painful I begged for them to stop force feeding me. My legs were in pain and could not stop moving. I cried and cried from the pain and the fear. It was a mental battle to get out of my bed to turn off my light much less go out to buy anything. Anxiety 24/7. I thought I am so bad I will not make it a month. I thought if I am never going to get better its not worth it. I made it by continuing to exist and only focus on making it to the next hour. For a long time minute by minute. And you probably know how long a F'n minute can be. I had no windows.

 

Yes it takes a long time for bad cases to heal. But you are still in acute, you won't know how bad your case is until you get out.

 

Now I can eat with it hurting less. I have malabsorption issues. I can talk to people and I am not afraid off things around me as much. I can take showers. My legs hurt but a heavy weighted blanket helps a lot. I have very bad sleep. Acute is HELL. I don't know anyones chances. But I know when you are in acute you think you have none.

So my question is, why do you need to go out now? Is it for a job? Is it for friends?

 

so you went from suffering  and being bedbound  to still being bedbound but not suffering?

 

i am so sorry to hear this and i am like this right now so i feel your pain. we will not heal like the mild cases

 

Yes, Physically I can not leave my bed because my body is a bit of a wreak. You are right. I do not know how much we can heal. I'm not great but I am nowhere in the pain I was. I am not suicidal, I am for the most part a normal person who has body problems. My emotions are  a little flat but I still care about people and spending time with my partner.

 

wow just reading this makes me one step closer to deciding if i can live like this. this is terrible ao so terrible. i cannot live to support my future wife that is unn acceptable  for me.

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It took me about a few months to get out of the bed and not want to be in the bed, or gravitate back to the bed, at about 5 months I didn't want to be in the bed anymore and I forced myself to use the elliptical,  my symptoms are more muscle pain than anything else at this time and I have been able to leave the house even with symptoms.  Just sharing a time line.
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I'm not healed and I post everyday almost , but I think you have to get up and move as much as you can to get energy, it's really hard I remember at 3 I felt that I was sick and weak and forced myself to get on the elliptical [ which I hate ]
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Hello, Bedbound here. I could not talk to people. I was badly highly suicidal. I was threatened into staying alive by my partner, who said if I died on purpose then they would too. I'm sure that is the reason I am not dead.  I wanted to because I was in so much pain and didn't want my family to see me like this. I could not leave my room, I could not shower. I could not do any chores or even get my own food. I was afraid of everything and everyone. I did not want to be looked at. Everything I ate, water included triggered burning, pain throughout, trouble breathing. It was so painful I begged for them to stop force feeding me. My legs were in pain and could not stop moving. I cried and cried from the pain and the fear. It was a mental battle to get out of my bed to turn off my light much less go out to buy anything. Anxiety 24/7. I thought I am so bad I will not make it a month. I thought if I am never going to get better its not worth it. I made it by continuing to exist and only focus on making it to the next hour. For a long time minute by minute. And you probably know how long a F'n minute can be. I had no windows.

 

Yes it takes a long time for bad cases to heal. But you are still in acute, you won't know how bad your case is until you get out.

 

Now I can eat with it hurting less. I have malabsorption issues. I can talk to people and I am not afraid off things around me as much. I can take showers. My legs hurt but a heavy weighted blanket helps a lot. I have very bad sleep. Acute is HELL. I don't know anyones chances. But I know when you are in acute you think you have none.

So my question is, why do you need to go out now? Is it for a job? Is it for friends?

 

so you went from suffering  and being bedbound  to still being bedbound but not suffering?

 

i am so sorry to hear this and i am like this right now so i feel your pain. we will not heal like the mild cases

 

Yes, Physically I can not leave my bed because my body is a bit of a wreak. You are right. I do not know how much we can heal. I'm not great but I am nowhere in the pain I was. I am not suicidal, I am for the most part a normal person who has body problems. My emotions are  a little flat but I still care about people and spending time with my partner.

 

wow just reading this makes me one step closer to deciding if i can live like this. this is terrible ao so terrible. i cannot live to support my future wife that is unn acceptable  for me.

I was for me too. I had nothing to give and didn't want to be a burden. But I do still have a chance at healing more and being able to get a job. My partner said in sickness and in health. I don't understand them on that. But apparently I have value being alive.

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Hello, Bedbound here. I could not talk to people. I was badly highly suicidal. I was threatened into staying alive by my partner, who said if I died on purpose then they would too. I'm sure that is the reason I am not dead.  I wanted to because I was in so much pain and didn't want my family to see me like this. I could not leave my room, I could not shower. I could not do any chores or even get my own food. I was afraid of everything and everyone. I did not want to be looked at. Everything I ate, water included triggered burning, pain throughout, trouble breathing. It was so painful I begged for them to stop force feeding me. My legs were in pain and could not stop moving. I cried and cried from the pain and the fear. It was a mental battle to get out of my bed to turn off my light much less go out to buy anything. Anxiety 24/7. I thought I am so bad I will not make it a month. I thought if I am never going to get better its not worth it. I made it by continuing to exist and only focus on making it to the next hour. For a long time minute by minute. And you probably know how long a F'n minute can be. I had no windows.

 

Yes it takes a long time for bad cases to heal. But you are still in acute, you won't know how bad your case is until you get out.

 

Now I can eat with it hurting less. I have malabsorption issues. I can talk to people and I am not afraid off things around me as much. I can take showers. My legs hurt but a heavy weighted blanket helps a lot. I have very bad sleep. Acute is HELL. I don't know anyones chances. But I know when you are in acute you think you have none.

So my question is, why do you need to go out now? Is it for a job? Is it for friends?

 

so you went from suffering  and being bedbound  to still being bedbound but not suffering?

 

i am so sorry to hear this and i am like this right now so i feel your pain. we will not heal like the mild cases

 

Yes, Physically I can not leave my bed because my body is a bit of a wreak. You are right. I do not know how much we can heal. I'm not great but I am nowhere in the pain I was. I am not suicidal, I am for the most part a normal person who has body problems. My emotions are  a little flat but I still care about people and spending time with my partner.

 

wow just reading this makes me one step closer to deciding if i can live like this. this is terrible ao so terrible. i cannot live to support my future wife that is unn acceptable  for me.

I was for me too. I had nothing to give and didn't want to be a burden. But I do still have a chance at healing more and being able to get a job. My partner said in sickness and in health. I don't understand them on that. But apparently I have value being alive.

Yah this different than any sickness. id honestly rather be blind and paralyzed than deal with how i feel another day atleast i could still love and appreciate if that was the case

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Hang in there!!!!! You are going in the right direction and are at the right place. When I first came home from detox I watched secret life at the zoo on Disney…all the seasons…made me feel kinda good. Time is the only healer of withdrawl and Netflix. Pm me if your feeling low.
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been over a month and absolutely no windows just tourment and suffering.

 

I can see mild cases able to work and severe cases unable tovwork and dont heal. very very distressing

 

Hang in there plad!  You are still way early in the game.  I still don't know what a window is, but I'm way better than I was at just 1 month out (seems like forever ago!).  "Relentless" was my one-word description for this for a LONG time.  But even with lingering benzo "scars" now, I don't have that relentless feeling any more. Don't worry about social stuff.  If they don't understand, they aren't your friend anyway.

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