No windows. Just suffering all day.

[[Buddie]]

Hello, Bedbound here. I could not talk to people. I was badly highly suicidal. I was threatened into staying alive by my partner, who said if I died on purpose then they would too. I'm sure that is the reason I am not dead.  I wanted to because I was in so much pain and didn't want my family to see me like this. I could not leave my room, I could not shower. I could not do any chores or even get my own food. I was afraid of everything and everyone. I did not want to be looked at. Everything I ate, water included triggered burning, pain throughout, trouble breathing. It was so painful I begged for them to stop force feeding me. My legs were in pain and could not stop moving. I cried and cried from the pain and the fear. It was a mental battle to get out of my bed to turn off my light much less go out to buy anything. Anxiety 24/7. I thought I am so bad I will not make it a month. I thought if I am never going to get better its not worth it. I made it by continuing to exist and only focus on making it to the next hour. For a long time minute by minute. And you probably know how long a F'n minute can be. I had no windows.

Yes it takes a long time for bad cases to heal. But you are still in acute, you won't know how bad your case is until you get out.

Now I can eat with it hurting less. I have malabsorption issues. I can talk to people and I am not afraid off things around me as much. I can take showers. My legs hurt but a heavy weighted blanket helps a lot. I have very bad sleep. Acute is HELL. I don't know anyones chances. But I know when you are in acute you think you have none.
So my question is, why do you need to go out now? Is it for a job? Is it for friends?

so you went from suffering  and being bedbound  to still being bedbound but not suffering?

i am so sorry to hear this and i am like this right now so i feel your pain. we will not heal like the mild cases

Yes, Physically I can not leave my bed because my body is a bit of a wreak. You are right. I do not know how much we can heal. I'm not great but I am nowhere in the pain I was. I am not suicidal, I am for the most part a normal person who has body problems. My emotions are  a little flat but I still care about people and spending time with my partner.

[[Buddie]]

Hello, Bedbound here. I could not talk to people. I was badly highly suicidal. I was threatened into staying alive by my partner, who said if I died on purpose then they would too. I'm sure that is the reason I am not dead.  I wanted to because I was in so much pain and didn't want my family to see me like this. I could not leave my room, I could not shower. I could not do any chores or even get my own food. I was afraid of everything and everyone. I did not want to be looked at. Everything I ate, water included triggered burning, pain throughout, trouble breathing. It was so painful I begged for them to stop force feeding me. My legs were in pain and could not stop moving. I cried and cried from the pain and the fear. It was a mental battle to get out of my bed to turn off my light much less go out to buy anything. Anxiety 24/7. I thought I am so bad I will not make it a month. I thought if I am never going to get better its not worth it. I made it by continuing to exist and only focus on making it to the next hour. For a long time minute by minute. And you probably know how long a F'n minute can be. I had no windows.

Yes it takes a long time for bad cases to heal. But you are still in acute, you won't know how bad your case is until you get out.

Now I can eat with it hurting less. I have malabsorption issues. I can talk to people and I am not afraid off things around me as much. I can take showers. My legs hurt but a heavy weighted blanket helps a lot. I have very bad sleep. Acute is HELL. I don't know anyones chances. But I know when you are in acute you think you have none.
So my question is, why do you need to go out now? Is it for a job? Is it for friends?

so you went from suffering  and being bedbound  to still being bedbound but not suffering?

i am so sorry to hear this and i am like this right now so i feel your pain. we will not heal like the mild cases

Yes, Physically I can not leave my bed because my body is a bit of a wreak. You are right. I do not know how much we can heal. I'm not great but I am nowhere in the pain I was. I am not suicidal, I am for the most part a normal person who has body problems. My emotions are  a little flat but I still care about people and spending time with my partner.

wow just reading this makes me one step closer to deciding if i can live like this. this is terrible ao so terrible. i cannot live to support my future wife that is unn acceptable  for me.

[[Buddie]]

It took me about a few months to get out of the bed and not want to be in the bed, or gravitate back to the bed, at about 5 months I didn't want to be in the bed anymore and I forced myself to use the elliptical,  my symptoms are more muscle pain than anything else at this time and I have been able to leave the house even with symptoms.  Just sharing a time line.

[[Buddie]]

I'm not healed and I post everyday almost , but I think you have to get up and move as much as you can to get energy, it's really hard I remember at 3 I felt that I was sick and weak and forced myself to get on the elliptical [ which I hate ]

[[Buddie]]

Hello, Bedbound here. I could not talk to people. I was badly highly suicidal. I was threatened into staying alive by my partner, who said if I died on purpose then they would too. I'm sure that is the reason I am not dead.  I wanted to because I was in so much pain and didn't want my family to see me like this. I could not leave my room, I could not shower. I could not do any chores or even get my own food. I was afraid of everything and everyone. I did not want to be looked at. Everything I ate, water included triggered burning, pain throughout, trouble breathing. It was so painful I begged for them to stop force feeding me. My legs were in pain and could not stop moving. I cried and cried from the pain and the fear. It was a mental battle to get out of my bed to turn off my light much less go out to buy anything. Anxiety 24/7. I thought I am so bad I will not make it a month. I thought if I am never going to get better its not worth it. I made it by continuing to exist and only focus on making it to the next hour. For a long time minute by minute. And you probably know how long a F'n minute can be. I had no windows.

Yes it takes a long time for bad cases to heal. But you are still in acute, you won't know how bad your case is until you get out.

Now I can eat with it hurting less. I have malabsorption issues. I can talk to people and I am not afraid off things around me as much. I can take showers. My legs hurt but a heavy weighted blanket helps a lot. I have very bad sleep. Acute is HELL. I don't know anyones chances. But I know when you are in acute you think you have none.
So my question is, why do you need to go out now? Is it for a job? Is it for friends?

so you went from suffering  and being bedbound  to still being bedbound but not suffering?

i am so sorry to hear this and i am like this right now so i feel your pain. we will not heal like the mild cases

Yes, Physically I can not leave my bed because my body is a bit of a wreak. You are right. I do not know how much we can heal. I'm not great but I am nowhere in the pain I was. I am not suicidal, I am for the most part a normal person who has body problems. My emotions are  a little flat but I still care about people and spending time with my partner.

wow just reading this makes me one step closer to deciding if i can live like this. this is terrible ao so terrible. i cannot live to support my future wife that is unn acceptable  for me.

I was for me too. I had nothing to give and didn't want to be a burden. But I do still have a chance at healing more and being able to get a job. My partner said in sickness and in health. I don't understand them on that. But apparently I have value being alive.

[[Buddie]]

Hello, Bedbound here. I could not talk to people. I was badly highly suicidal. I was threatened into staying alive by my partner, who said if I died on purpose then they would too. I'm sure that is the reason I am not dead.  I wanted to because I was in so much pain and didn't want my family to see me like this. I could not leave my room, I could not shower. I could not do any chores or even get my own food. I was afraid of everything and everyone. I did not want to be looked at. Everything I ate, water included triggered burning, pain throughout, trouble breathing. It was so painful I begged for them to stop force feeding me. My legs were in pain and could not stop moving. I cried and cried from the pain and the fear. It was a mental battle to get out of my bed to turn off my light much less go out to buy anything. Anxiety 24/7. I thought I am so bad I will not make it a month. I thought if I am never going to get better its not worth it. I made it by continuing to exist and only focus on making it to the next hour. For a long time minute by minute. And you probably know how long a F'n minute can be. I had no windows.

Yes it takes a long time for bad cases to heal. But you are still in acute, you won't know how bad your case is until you get out.

Now I can eat with it hurting less. I have malabsorption issues. I can talk to people and I am not afraid off things around me as much. I can take showers. My legs hurt but a heavy weighted blanket helps a lot. I have very bad sleep. Acute is HELL. I don't know anyones chances. But I know when you are in acute you think you have none.
So my question is, why do you need to go out now? Is it for a job? Is it for friends?

so you went from suffering  and being bedbound  to still being bedbound but not suffering?

i am so sorry to hear this and i am like this right now so i feel your pain. we will not heal like the mild cases

Yes, Physically I can not leave my bed because my body is a bit of a wreak. You are right. I do not know how much we can heal. I'm not great but I am nowhere in the pain I was. I am not suicidal, I am for the most part a normal person who has body problems. My emotions are  a little flat but I still care about people and spending time with my partner.

wow just reading this makes me one step closer to deciding if i can live like this. this is terrible ao so terrible. i cannot live to support my future wife that is unn acceptable  for me.

I was for me too. I had nothing to give and didn't want to be a burden. But I do still have a chance at healing more and being able to get a job. My partner said in sickness and in health. I don't understand them on that. But apparently I have value being alive.

Yah this different than any sickness. id honestly rather be blind and paralyzed than deal with how i feel another day atleast i could still love and appreciate if that was the case

[[Buddie]]

I'd like to remind the participants on this thread about our forum policy, I don't want to call out any one person, this is a general reminder.  Policy Concerning Suicide, Self harm and Threatening Behavior

[[Buddie]]

Hang in there!!!!! You are going in the right direction and are at the right place. When I first came home from detox I watched secret life at the zoo on Disney…all the seasons…made me feel kinda good. Time is the only healer of withdrawl and Netflix. Pm me if your feeling low.

[[Buddie]]

been over a month and absolutely no windows just tourment and suffering.

I can see mild cases able to work and severe cases unable tovwork and dont heal. very very distressing

Hang in there plad!  You are still way early in the game.  I still don't know what a window is, but I'm way better than I was at just 1 month out (seems like forever ago!).  "Relentless" was my one-word description for this for a LONG time.  But even with lingering benzo "scars" now, I don't have that relentless feeling any more. Don't worry about social stuff.  If they don't understand, they aren't your friend anyway.