Author Topic: No windows. Just suffering all day.  (Read 595 times)

[Buddie]

Re: No windows. Just suffering all day.
« Reply #10 on: May 30, 2022, 10:00:01 pm »
Hello, Bedbound here. I could not talk to people. I was badly highly suicidal. I was threatened into staying alive by my partner, who said if I died on purpose then they would too. I'm sure that is the reason I am not dead.  I wanted to because I was in so much pain and didn't want my family to see me like this. I could not leave my room, I could not shower. I could not do any chores or even get my own food. I was afraid of everything and everyone. I did not want to be looked at. Everything I ate, water included triggered burning, pain throughout, trouble breathing. It was so painful I begged for them to stop force feeding me. My legs were in pain and could not stop moving. I cried and cried from the pain and the fear. It was a mental battle to get out of my bed to turn off my light much less go out to buy anything. Anxiety 24/7. I thought I am so bad I will not make it a month. I thought if I am never going to get better its not worth it. I made it by continuing to exist and only focus on making it to the next hour. For a long time minute by minute. And you probably know how long a F'n minute can be. I had no windows.

Yes it takes a long time for bad cases to heal. But you are still in acute, you won't know how bad your case is until you get out.

Now I can eat with it hurting less. I have malabsorption issues. I can talk to people and I am not afraid off things around me as much. I can take showers. My legs hurt but a heavy weighted blanket helps a lot. I have very bad sleep. Acute is HELL. I don't know anyones chances. But I know when you are in acute you think you have none.
So my question is, why do you need to go out now? Is it for a job? Is it for friends?

so you went from suffering  and being bedbound  to still being bedbound but not suffering?

i am so sorry to hear this and i am like this right now so i feel your pain. we will not heal like the mild cases

Yes, Physically I can not leave my bed because my body is a bit of a wreak. You are right. I do not know how much we can heal. I'm not great but I am nowhere in the pain I was. I am not suicidal, I am for the most part a normal person who has body problems. My emotions are  a little flat but I still care about people and spending time with my partner.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: No windows. Just suffering all day.
« Reply #11 on: May 30, 2022, 10:03:36 pm »
Hello, Bedbound here. I could not talk to people. I was badly highly suicidal. I was threatened into staying alive by my partner, who said if I died on purpose then they would too. I'm sure that is the reason I am not dead.  I wanted to because I was in so much pain and didn't want my family to see me like this. I could not leave my room, I could not shower. I could not do any chores or even get my own food. I was afraid of everything and everyone. I did not want to be looked at. Everything I ate, water included triggered burning, pain throughout, trouble breathing. It was so painful I begged for them to stop force feeding me. My legs were in pain and could not stop moving. I cried and cried from the pain and the fear. It was a mental battle to get out of my bed to turn off my light much less go out to buy anything. Anxiety 24/7. I thought I am so bad I will not make it a month. I thought if I am never going to get better its not worth it. I made it by continuing to exist and only focus on making it to the next hour. For a long time minute by minute. And you probably know how long a F'n minute can be. I had no windows.

Yes it takes a long time for bad cases to heal. But you are still in acute, you won't know how bad your case is until you get out.

Now I can eat with it hurting less. I have malabsorption issues. I can talk to people and I am not afraid off things around me as much. I can take showers. My legs hurt but a heavy weighted blanket helps a lot. I have very bad sleep. Acute is HELL. I don't know anyones chances. But I know when you are in acute you think you have none.
So my question is, why do you need to go out now? Is it for a job? Is it for friends?

so you went from suffering  and being bedbound  to still being bedbound but not suffering?

i am so sorry to hear this and i am like this right now so i feel your pain. we will not heal like the mild cases

Yes, Physically I can not leave my bed because my body is a bit of a wreak. You are right. I do not know how much we can heal. I'm not great but I am nowhere in the pain I was. I am not suicidal, I am for the most part a normal person who has body problems. My emotions are  a little flat but I still care about people and spending time with my partner.

wow just reading this makes me one step closer to deciding if i can live like this. this is terrible ao so terrible. i cannot live to support my future wife that is unn acceptable  for me.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: No windows. Just suffering all day.
« Reply #12 on: May 30, 2022, 10:06:41 pm »
It took me about a few months to get out of the bed and not want to be in the bed, or gravitate back to the bed, at about 5 months I didn't want to be in the bed anymore and I forced myself to use the elliptical,  my symptoms are more muscle pain than anything else at this time and I have been able to leave the house even with symptoms.  Just sharing a time line.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: No windows. Just suffering all day.
« Reply #13 on: May 30, 2022, 10:09:07 pm »
I'm not healed and I post everyday almost , but I think you have to get up and move as much as you can to get energy, it's really hard I remember at 3 I felt that I was sick and weak and forced myself to get on the elliptical [ which I hate ]
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: No windows. Just suffering all day.
« Reply #14 on: May 30, 2022, 10:16:36 pm »
Hello, Bedbound here. I could not talk to people. I was badly highly suicidal. I was threatened into staying alive by my partner, who said if I died on purpose then they would too. I'm sure that is the reason I am not dead.  I wanted to because I was in so much pain and didn't want my family to see me like this. I could not leave my room, I could not shower. I could not do any chores or even get my own food. I was afraid of everything and everyone. I did not want to be looked at. Everything I ate, water included triggered burning, pain throughout, trouble breathing. It was so painful I begged for them to stop force feeding me. My legs were in pain and could not stop moving. I cried and cried from the pain and the fear. It was a mental battle to get out of my bed to turn off my light much less go out to buy anything. Anxiety 24/7. I thought I am so bad I will not make it a month. I thought if I am never going to get better its not worth it. I made it by continuing to exist and only focus on making it to the next hour. For a long time minute by minute. And you probably know how long a F'n minute can be. I had no windows.

Yes it takes a long time for bad cases to heal. But you are still in acute, you won't know how bad your case is until you get out.

Now I can eat with it hurting less. I have malabsorption issues. I can talk to people and I am not afraid off things around me as much. I can take showers. My legs hurt but a heavy weighted blanket helps a lot. I have very bad sleep. Acute is HELL. I don't know anyones chances. But I know when you are in acute you think you have none.
So my question is, why do you need to go out now? Is it for a job? Is it for friends?

so you went from suffering  and being bedbound  to still being bedbound but not suffering?

i am so sorry to hear this and i am like this right now so i feel your pain. we will not heal like the mild cases

Yes, Physically I can not leave my bed because my body is a bit of a wreak. You are right. I do not know how much we can heal. I'm not great but I am nowhere in the pain I was. I am not suicidal, I am for the most part a normal person who has body problems. My emotions are  a little flat but I still care about people and spending time with my partner.

wow just reading this makes me one step closer to deciding if i can live like this. this is terrible ao so terrible. i cannot live to support my future wife that is unn acceptable  for me.
I was for me too. I had nothing to give and didn't want to be a burden. But I do still have a chance at healing more and being able to get a job. My partner said in sickness and in health. I don't understand them on that. But apparently I have value being alive.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: No windows. Just suffering all day.
« Reply #15 on: May 30, 2022, 10:24:27 pm »
Hello, Bedbound here. I could not talk to people. I was badly highly suicidal. I was threatened into staying alive by my partner, who said if I died on purpose then they would too. I'm sure that is the reason I am not dead.  I wanted to because I was in so much pain and didn't want my family to see me like this. I could not leave my room, I could not shower. I could not do any chores or even get my own food. I was afraid of everything and everyone. I did not want to be looked at. Everything I ate, water included triggered burning, pain throughout, trouble breathing. It was so painful I begged for them to stop force feeding me. My legs were in pain and could not stop moving. I cried and cried from the pain and the fear. It was a mental battle to get out of my bed to turn off my light much less go out to buy anything. Anxiety 24/7. I thought I am so bad I will not make it a month. I thought if I am never going to get better its not worth it. I made it by continuing to exist and only focus on making it to the next hour. For a long time minute by minute. And you probably know how long a F'n minute can be. I had no windows.

Yes it takes a long time for bad cases to heal. But you are still in acute, you won't know how bad your case is until you get out.

Now I can eat with it hurting less. I have malabsorption issues. I can talk to people and I am not afraid off things around me as much. I can take showers. My legs hurt but a heavy weighted blanket helps a lot. I have very bad sleep. Acute is HELL. I don't know anyones chances. But I know when you are in acute you think you have none.
So my question is, why do you need to go out now? Is it for a job? Is it for friends?

so you went from suffering  and being bedbound  to still being bedbound but not suffering?

i am so sorry to hear this and i am like this right now so i feel your pain. we will not heal like the mild cases

Yes, Physically I can not leave my bed because my body is a bit of a wreak. You are right. I do not know how much we can heal. I'm not great but I am nowhere in the pain I was. I am not suicidal, I am for the most part a normal person who has body problems. My emotions are  a little flat but I still care about people and spending time with my partner.

wow just reading this makes me one step closer to deciding if i can live like this. this is terrible ao so terrible. i cannot live to support my future wife that is unn acceptable  for me.
I was for me too. I had nothing to give and didn't want to be a burden. But I do still have a chance at healing more and being able to get a job. My partner said in sickness and in health. I don't understand them on that. But apparently I have value being alive.
Yah this different than any sickness. id honestly rather be blind and paralyzed than deal with how i feel another day atleast i could still love and appreciate if that was the case
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: No windows. Just suffering all day.
« Reply #16 on: May 31, 2022, 07:14:36 pm »
I'd like to remind the participants on this thread about our forum policy, I don't want to call out any one person, this is a general reminder.  Policy Concerning Suicide, Self harm and Threatening Behavior
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: No windows. Just suffering all day.
« Reply #17 on: June 01, 2022, 01:43:43 am »
Hang in there!!!!! You are going in the right direction and are at the right place. When I first came home from detox I watched secret life at the zoo on Disney…all the seasons…made me feel kinda good. Time is the only healer of withdrawl and Netflix. Pm me if your feeling low.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: No windows. Just suffering all day.
« Reply #18 on: June 03, 2022, 09:45:09 pm »
been over a month and absolutely no windows just tourment and suffering.

I can see mild cases able to work and severe cases unable tovwork and dont heal. very very distressing

Hang in there plad!  You are still way early in the game.  I still don't know what a window is, but I'm way better than I was at just 1 month out (seems like forever ago!).  "Relentless" was my one-word description for this for a LONG time.  But even with lingering benzo "scars" now, I don't have that relentless feeling any more. Don't worry about social stuff.  If they don't understand, they aren't your friend anyway.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.