Author Topic: Monophobia anybody?  (Read 606 times)

[Buddie]

Re: Monophobia anybody?
« Reply #10 on: May 27, 2022, 02:49:58 pm »
I forgot to say I have Depersonalization as well, Derealization don't know what it is, I also have something I could explain it like whatever I'm talking about I fear may get worse or come back or haunt me when I talk about it.
Fear, whatevever along with these horrible monophobia, also everything else intensify when I'm alone and as time goes by, worse.
Like when I talk about something or think I will get that symptom?
So i fear of like mentioning things or what?
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Monophobia anybody?
« Reply #11 on: May 27, 2022, 06:59:51 pm »
Idk if this counts but I ended developing a great deal of anxiety around being by myself because I used to get random high blood pressure and/or tachycardia very frequently. To make things worse, in the months after acute w/d I ended up going to the ER 3x (dehydration from intestinal infections and an allergic reaction to ciprofloxacin).

I was afraid to be alone because it can take a while for an ambulance to get where I lived and I didn't want to drive myself to the ER. Eventually, I started forcing myself to do stuff that scared me alone and just spending time alone at my house. It takes a while to readjust. I think like most things with benzo w/d it feels impossible while you're going through it but eventually it gets easier.

Hell, I think with the right guidance, folks that go through benzo w/d are probably some of the most emotionally resilient out there.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Monophobia anybody?
« Reply #12 on: May 27, 2022, 08:52:17 pm »
I do too, but Jesus does this stop ever?
Always the same.
It doesn't we are emotionaly strongest and everything, bravest but does it stop?
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Monophobia anybody?
« Reply #13 on: May 29, 2022, 03:04:39 pm »
It may not feel like it will right now but it does. It's slow but it does get better.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Monophobia anybody?
« Reply #14 on: May 30, 2022, 07:23:20 am »
Hi there [...], thank you for answering in detail to my question. Along with these thoughts my worst symptom. How lond did you have it, did it go away? For 36 months, do you understand what is this fear of people? Did you had problems going to bathroom on yourself and that during these, its kind of other symtomps somehow improve during this. It's not really fear, you're right but something like staying on myself in one room is difficult, I don't know how to explain that better. If you don't understand me please ask me. I'm glad I see good people here, who want to help and offer advice. I hope to see even better. Did you live alone or with your brother, you were mentioning him coming late from work.
I started 4, 5 months ago going to work but don't work just going to my father's company and staying there till work finishes because of being alone. I do follow them sometimes what they do, mostly too distract. I'd love to work for real and to build my life if that's possible. Here where I live I'm sure meetup isn't available, but I got the idea.
I will follow your blog, I'm glad someone else has this(not in bad way).
Thank you for answering and offering me maybe some kind of hope. I see a lot of people here have similar problems with this loneness. You're right it's not fear, it's more of panic and losing sense of yourself, like lost or something, it is with these thoughts my worst symptom, but this one possibly the worst.
You too keep fighting and going, how are you doing now?

Hey [...],

I hope this finds you on a bit of a better day today. I get that you are going through one helluva time, this ain't easy in the least. If only it was about symptoms and dealing with those with adequate help and support 'in real life', but add to this the fact that so very few people will be able to understand - and actually want to understand! - so you end up feeling even more alone with all your symptoms and in this journey which seems to make no sense at all. I know... I know. I think many of us here in BBs know this harrowing situation. So you are not alone here  :therethere:
I see you have some good support already on the boards, that is really great  :thumbs-up:

So, to this monophobia. Do you get fluctuations of it through the day, or from day to day? Or is the intensity of it more or less constant? Do you live alone? When did you notice it starting?
To me, it was a bit weird. I didn't see it begin clearly. And it wasn't constant throughout the day. I could be alone in the morning until mid-afternoon, but late afternoons I would NEED to get out of the house and join something, people. Because being inside my brain alone would become pure torture between, let's say, 5pm to 10pm or so. I think my monophobia was linked to mental akathisia (and akathisia all round). I could not 'just be'. Those few hours a day would be close to impossible to navigate on my own. I would sometimes just go walking alone for hours aimlessly, so yeah I would be out and so with lots of people around me, but as I wasn't connecting to people and actually following and using their sense of emotional direction to get a sense of what to do with myself, get out of that head of mine, it would be really horrible. Better than being at home waiting for time to pass doing nothing or trying to distract on my own (oh boy, such horror!) but definitely not the best option either.

You talk about fears of abandonment when you were a child - did your family connect the dots for you, or did you ask them whether this has happened and got this answer? Because to me, it really didn't feel like it was ever about abandonment. It was about having a route out of my spiraling thoughts. Actually, it felt like I was free-falling. You know, like when you are about to fall asleep, and you feel like you've just jumped out of a plane? And you open your eyes with a start? Well, with monophobia, I would never open my eyes. I would just free-fall, free-fall and free-fall without ever hitting the ground. That is how it felt, mentally and physically. That's the best way I can explain the feeling...
I didn't see a clear beginning to monophobia, and I didn't see a clear ending to it either. But that is just my healing journey which has been slow and gradual on all fronts. This does absolutely not mean that this is how things will unfold for you. The only one thing I am sure of is that if you let yourself heal without putting any more drugs into your system, this will all go away. I believe that the most horrific symptoms fade or go first, because your CNS and brain need to establish some priorities. Just my theory... But I have often read of symptoms like DP/DR, intense terror, akathisia or monophobia being the first symptoms to start letting go... again, I am adding my own interpretation to it. But monophobia was the first big symptom of mine to start showing signs of weakening and when I began taking stock of this, well, it would often wonder whether it had been as hellish as I thought it had been (it had) and so if I was really making progress and getting better (I was). But I also strongly believe that finding ways to cope, leading me to get into new activities, meeting new people and so adding to my contacts lots of numbers I could call to suggest meeting up for a drink or a walk, making friends, getting a sense of belonging...  I didn't only belong inside my family anymore! Which was a good thing for the monophobia in itself too as it was becoming a serious burden to them. I could feel the strain it was putting on our relationships and it was becoming clear that I could not rely on them for the company I needed to survive this torture. Because they were sick of it and looking for ways to get out of it. Because they could, but I couldn't. Now, that doesn't mean that I resent them for that anymore. I probably did at the time because of how dreadful I felt on my own, but time heals in many ways, and I found a path of my own.
 
So, you say you go to work but actually just to be there, playing video games? How do you feel when you play video games knowing that your dad and probably other people are around? Could other settings serve the same purpose, without the company of your dad? Like say, sitting in a cafe playing those same video games?

Another question for you (a question to ask yourself, perhaps, more than giving me an answer), could you do some work? It doesn't have to be a job with huge responsibilities or even a huge salary, a job doesn't have to be full-time either, it can just be a few hours a day, or even a few hours a week. Something to get you involved in a structure, with people, giving you a sense of responsibility without overwhelming you... a little money for you, and also give you a sense of worth. I read your other thread about family, and it seems that the situation has been really complicated for a long time. Having a dad who owns a company you can work in may seem like a good thing, but such things have ways they can backfire on us... I don't know if my interpretation is right in any way (it's not easy to get a grasp on a situation after reading a couple of online posts), but you seem to be expressing some kind of mental hold on you with some beliefs that may be deeply rooted inside of you. That your dad will always be 'above' and that you will never be able to do anything with your life. Again, I might be over-reaching, tell me if I am wrong! But if it's anything like that, I also think that showing yourself that you can build something of your own outside of your family can help you rebuild your sense of self and worth. Now, that may be a very long journey, and I still am on some kind of journey like that myself (my dad doesn't own his company lol but I can relate in some ways to the vision I have of your situation, if ever I am not totally mistaken because of over-projecting lol...). I'm just trying to share what seems to help me, giving meaning and purpose to the journey beyond symptoms. Becoming drug-free is about becoming free, having the freedom to finally become who you are  :thumbs-up: And let me tell you this feels good!

Another possibility for you, aside from joining a group or structure that exists (sports/going to the gym, acting, a job...) is to create your own! You say Meetup isn't available where you live, but I'm sure there are other ways to promote such an endeavor. What about creating a group for video game players to meet and socialize? Or just play together? I'm sure there is a world of possibilities here.

Sorry, I am going in all directions here, but I hope some of this helps, at least giving you hope and making you feel you are not alone.

You asked how I was, well, to be honest, things are still a bit difficult for me in terms of symptoms but I can see how far I've come. My daily struggles have NOTHING to do with the ordeal of the first months or first year and a half. Monophobia was the hardest thing to cope with. It took me a whole year after jumping before I managed to have dinner on my own, but slowly yet definitely, the next six months to a year gave me more and more freedom that way. I still needed things to do outside the house or people to meet up with in the late afternoons/evenings, but I could come home, fix dinner for myself and eat while watching some TV. Which was impossible to do in the first year. Nowadays, I don't believe I have monophobia anymore. But I have plenty friends and a much deeper sense of belonging, not just within my family - with which things are also getting better  :thumbs-up: Well, not with my Dad yet, but I have every belief that things will improve when he sees that I am indeed getting better and rebuilding my life. Let me also say that not all problems are inside of us, but our current situations can trigger things inside of those who love us, and they can't cope. Don't resent them for that, I know this is easy to say. You are on your journey of healing and growth because you decided to embark on this path. Kudos to you! No one can force people around you to self-reflect. But you are moving forward with yourself, that's the main thing. I can see some good things coming your way  :)

Last but not least: you have the worst screen name ever  :D Not Important?! You are anything BUT not important! And I believe you will start seeing that for yourself soon  :thumbs-up:

Hold on, one day at a time, and you will begin to look back and see how far you have come too. It all comes to us, healing from benzos and all the hurt in our lives  :thumbs-up:

Warm wishes,
[...]
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Monophobia anybody?
« Reply #15 on: June 02, 2022, 02:10:54 pm »
Hi there [...], thank you for answering in detail to my question. Along with these thoughts my worst symptom. How lond did you have it, did it go away? For 36 months, do you understand what is this fear of people? Did you had problems going to bathroom on yourself and that during these, its kind of other symtomps somehow improve during this. It's not really fear, you're right but something like staying on myself in one room is difficult, I don't know how to explain that better. If you don't understand me please ask me. I'm glad I see good people here, who want to help and offer advice. I hope to see even better. Did you live alone or with your brother, you were mentioning him coming late from work.
I started 4, 5 months ago going to work but don't work just going to my father's company and staying there till work finishes because of being alone. I do follow them sometimes what they do, mostly too distract. I'd love to work for real and to build my life if that's possible. Here where I live I'm sure meetup isn't available, but I got the idea.
I will follow your blog, I'm glad someone else has this(not in bad way).
Thank you for answering and offering me maybe some kind of hope. I see a lot of people here have similar problems with this loneness. You're right it's not fear, it's more of panic and losing sense of yourself, like lost or something, it is with these thoughts my worst symptom, but this one possibly the worst.
You too keep fighting and going, how are you doing now?

Hey [...],

I hope this finds you on a bit of a better day today. I get that you are going through one helluva time, this ain't easy in the least. If only it was about symptoms and dealing with those with adequate help and support 'in real life', but add to this the fact that so very few people will be able to understand - and actually want to understand! - so you end up feeling even more alone with all your symptoms and in this journey which seems to make no sense at all. I know... I know. I think many of us here in BBs know this harrowing situation. So you are not alone here  :therethere:
I see you have some good support already on the boards, that is really great  :thumbs-up:

So, to this monophobia. Do you get fluctuations of it through the day, or from day to day? Or is the intensity of it more or less constant? Do you live alone? When did you notice it starting?
To me, it was a bit weird. I didn't see it begin clearly. And it wasn't constant throughout the day. I could be alone in the morning until mid-afternoon, but late afternoons I would NEED to get out of the house and join something, people. Because being inside my brain alone would become pure torture between, let's say, 5pm to 10pm or so. I think my monophobia was linked to mental akathisia (and akathisia all round). I could not 'just be'. Those few hours a day would be close to impossible to navigate on my own. I would sometimes just go walking alone for hours aimlessly, so yeah I would be out and so with lots of people around me, but as I wasn't connecting to people and actually following and using their sense of emotional direction to get a sense of what to do with myself, get out of that head of mine, it would be really horrible. Better than being at home waiting for time to pass doing nothing or trying to distract on my own (oh boy, such horror!) but definitely not the best option either.

You talk about fears of abandonment when you were a child - did your family connect the dots for you, or did you ask them whether this has happened and got this answer? Because to me, it really didn't feel like it was ever about abandonment. It was about having a route out of my spiraling thoughts. Actually, it felt like I was free-falling. You know, like when you are about to fall asleep, and you feel like you've just jumped out of a plane? And you open your eyes with a start? Well, with monophobia, I would never open my eyes. I would just free-fall, free-fall and free-fall without ever hitting the ground. That is how it felt, mentally and physically. That's the best way I can explain the feeling...
I didn't see a clear beginning to monophobia, and I didn't see a clear ending to it either. But that is just my healing journey which has been slow and gradual on all fronts. This does absolutely not mean that this is how things will unfold for you. The only one thing I am sure of is that if you let yourself heal without putting any more drugs into your system, this will all go away. I believe that the most horrific symptoms fade or go first, because your CNS and brain need to establish some priorities. Just my theory... But I have often read of symptoms like DP/DR, intense terror, akathisia or monophobia being the first symptoms to start letting go... again, I am adding my own interpretation to it. But monophobia was the first big symptom of mine to start showing signs of weakening and when I began taking stock of this, well, it would often wonder whether it had been as hellish as I thought it had been (it had) and so if I was really making progress and getting better (I was). But I also strongly believe that finding ways to cope, leading me to get into new activities, meeting new people and so adding to my contacts lots of numbers I could call to suggest meeting up for a drink or a walk, making friends, getting a sense of belonging...  I didn't only belong inside my family anymore! Which was a good thing for the monophobia in itself too as it was becoming a serious burden to them. I could feel the strain it was putting on our relationships and it was becoming clear that I could not rely on them for the company I needed to survive this torture. Because they were sick of it and looking for ways to get out of it. Because they could, but I couldn't. Now, that doesn't mean that I resent them for that anymore. I probably did at the time because of how dreadful I felt on my own, but time heals in many ways, and I found a path of my own.
 
So, you say you go to work but actually just to be there, playing video games? How do you feel when you play video games knowing that your dad and probably other people are around? Could other settings serve the same purpose, without the company of your dad? Like say, sitting in a cafe playing those same video games?

Another question for you (a question to ask yourself, perhaps, more than giving me an answer), could you do some work? It doesn't have to be a job with huge responsibilities or even a huge salary, a job doesn't have to be full-time either, it can just be a few hours a day, or even a few hours a week. Something to get you involved in a structure, with people, giving you a sense of responsibility without overwhelming you... a little money for you, and also give you a sense of worth. I read your other thread about family, and it seems that the situation has been really complicated for a long time. Having a dad who owns a company you can work in may seem like a good thing, but such things have ways they can backfire on us... I don't know if my interpretation is right in any way (it's not easy to get a grasp on a situation after reading a couple of online posts), but you seem to be expressing some kind of mental hold on you with some beliefs that may be deeply rooted inside of you. That your dad will always be 'above' and that you will never be able to do anything with your life. Again, I might be over-reaching, tell me if I am wrong! But if it's anything like that, I also think that showing yourself that you can build something of your own outside of your family can help you rebuild your sense of self and worth. Now, that may be a very long journey, and I still am on some kind of journey like that myself (my dad doesn't own his company lol but I can relate in some ways to the vision I have of your situation, if ever I am not totally mistaken because of over-projecting lol...). I'm just trying to share what seems to help me, giving meaning and purpose to the journey beyond symptoms. Becoming drug-free is about becoming free, having the freedom to finally become who you are  :thumbs-up: And let me tell you this feels good!

Another possibility for you, aside from joining a group or structure that exists (sports/going to the gym, acting, a job...) is to create your own! You say Meetup isn't available where you live, but I'm sure there are other ways to promote such an endeavor. What about creating a group for video game players to meet and socialize? Or just play together? I'm sure there is a world of possibilities here.

Sorry, I am going in all directions here, but I hope some of this helps, at least giving you hope and making you feel you are not alone.

You asked how I was, well, to be honest, things are still a bit difficult for me in terms of symptoms but I can see how far I've come. My daily struggles have NOTHING to do with the ordeal of the first months or first year and a half. Monophobia was the hardest thing to cope with. It took me a whole year after jumping before I managed to have dinner on my own, but slowly yet definitely, the next six months to a year gave me more and more freedom that way. I still needed things to do outside the house or people to meet up with in the late afternoons/evenings, but I could come home, fix dinner for myself and eat while watching some TV. Which was impossible to do in the first year. Nowadays, I don't believe I have monophobia anymore. But I have plenty friends and a much deeper sense of belonging, not just within my family - with which things are also getting better  :thumbs-up: Well, not with my Dad yet, but I have every belief that things will improve when he sees that I am indeed getting better and rebuilding my life. Let me also say that not all problems are inside of us, but our current situations can trigger things inside of those who love us, and they can't cope. Don't resent them for that, I know this is easy to say. You are on your journey of healing and growth because you decided to embark on this path. Kudos to you! No one can force people around you to self-reflect. But you are moving forward with yourself, that's the main thing. I can see some good things coming your way  :)

Last but not least: you have the worst screen name ever  :D Not Important?! You are anything BUT not important! And I believe you will start seeing that for yourself soon  :thumbs-up:

Hold on, one day at a time, and you will begin to look back and see how far you have come too. It all comes to us, healing from benzos and all the hurt in our lives  :thumbs-up:

Warm wishes,
[...]

Hey [...],

Sorry for not answering immediately, I feel some kind of tiredness, resistance and low self esteem to answer at the moment. All mixed together.
I need some kind of refresh to be able to put quality post or some kind of trigger but most of times just can't do it.
No way of getting any help and support, someone who's gone through something similar can.
I hope I'm not alone in this, neither are you. :)
Yes it is really great to have that, I hope it will continue.
Monophobia is one of the worst symtomps alongside my childhood symptoms, fears, insecurites, all at once. I don't know I just kind of accepted everything(almost everything) and stopped fighting against sxs and other stuff, maybe they are also just sxs?
Before was constant, now as I accepted I don't see what it is really. Everything stays the same. I do live alone, was with my mother then moved to this apartment of my dad, which is his and thats it. Last night I went to my mother's place again to sleep there.
Last 3 days he left me home twice, didn't take me to the work. So I quit going there anymore. I probably won't go anymore. Humiliation.
I noticed it after I got home from hospital, where they drugged me again after I had attack. Didn't have it before, I had agoraphobia and that morphed or changed to this, went away. So for 2, 5 years now?
I followed the same routine as you, I was alone like 10 hours a day before and thats the reason I started going there at work, to his company.
I don't what to say, you're strong, you seem doing better this and past problems and everything, did your parents divorce. My did, that wouldn't be a real problem, they didn't talk for 20 years at all. Have you heard about that. I got over it. I don't care. So this anger wants to show in front of them and brother and sister. So that I lose it, look like complete lunatic.
I understand what it is to be tortured, have tortured brain, lose everything, I've had a lot of potential and was pretty great before got anxiety. It ruined me in so many thing.
I still go aimlessly around the city, I get you. It is hell, all of this accompanied by this monophobia especially. These, intrusive thoughts and DP. Recipe for distaster.
Yes try to distract ourselves is impossible with this symptom. I also complete utter loneniness, symptom or not, that I'm never get better. I would be lost forever.
They said this to me, my family. Grandmother and Grandfather would take me to school because I didn't want to go alone or so. They also said a lot of other things, not to mention now, all terrible choices.
I just remember those times from these intrusive thoughts.
That's a good explanation, free fall, can't articulize right now to answer okay.
I was abandoned by all of them in my life, and always feel feel that way but that is not fear. I've got over it. It's more of a nothing can't touch me anymore feelings.
I just get tired when I try to write a sentence, that's why I also didn't answer to you right away.
Anyway, you think it will one day all go away?
You didn't have anxiety and fears to go into new activites? I want to something, then this anxiety comes up end I give up, I'm tired of fighting all the time, other people look without worry. That's what always was so unexplainable to me.
I understand that all of your family gave up and got sick of it, I'm thing about caffes and video games, just to go there. I did appointed with this woment therapy, dont' expect much but I did all that myself and I was feeling good, thanks to all of you.
I am thinking more and more about doing some work, but I stopped going to dad's company. I definitely won't go there anymore, doubt I'll stay in contact with him at all. We'll see what this women says.
Where else to work, I can use my english knowledge to earn money? I have to thing, but I have to do something. Nothing of this helps at all.
He prefers others instead of his children, he has another son with that other women and I really don't believe he will left me anything or my mother. I want to succeed on my own.
I probaly have some mental hold, what you mean exactly?
Feel free to say what you thing, yes I can't expect you to understand out of few pages online..
I don't know it's too much to be who you are, with these parents, no friends, not much belief in yourself. I hope it will be good but you too just keep going.
I could create online at least, but in person would be better.
Thank you very much for you care and understaning. I also accepted what tortured for long how nobody understands nothing out of people. So i accepted and moved on, well I'm getting better at it.
What symptomps do you have now, you say it's not bad as it was. Monophobia was the hardest, did you live alone or, did you work? Have you worked before all this happened.
Congratulations on every step forward, every day. I know how hard this is. Not a lot of people can do this.
Could you distract when this monophobia weakened? Or more able to do it.
Now you don't have it, I understand this confusion is it better or not, how did you acknowledge to diferentiate is it really better and progressing?
I'm glad really things got better for you, I hope with your dad it will get better if you want so. Trust yourself.
No, they are not, many of these problems are not from us or? I'm just defending myself.
It's a yourney to stay calm. But we can do it.
I'm hoping even better things are coming out your way. For me too I hope.
I just didn't care too much about screen name : )
Thank you for you constant kind words.
I hope it does, you too stay strong keep going and I wish you all the best. :) :smitten:
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Monophobia anybody?
« Reply #16 on: June 09, 2022, 03:21:05 am »
Mine is gone completely after about 10 months
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.