Author Topic: Protracted, need hope and support  (Read 1414 times)

[Buddie]

Protracted, need hope and support
« on: May 21, 2022, 05:02:49 pm »
Hello I'll try to be honest with you and write as much as i remember. Iíve  been a member few years ago under a different name here, even wrote success story but that was far from truth, i thought weed was helping me at the time  but that wasnt true at all. I came here for support mainly and to try explain my situation, which i think is terrible. It started with Xanax prescription and some Antidepressant i dont remember in summer of 2011. I refused to believe in his diagnosis which was mixed anxiety-depression disorder. and was kind of mad at my family cause they took me to doctors. I was 18 at the time. I'm sure if i didn't go there everything would be different and leave on its own. I dont like write much about this because it triggers my thoughts. After That i soon started self medicating first with xanax if i remember well, as needed, took it like i needed it, when i needed it. Then i ordered Ritalin in first months of 2012 over the internet, till that period I still didnt have many problems or i think so. 2012 was like a turning point in summer. I tried to still find what could help me best, from Concerta, same as Ritalin, but not really same, completely different, again self medicating, i believe i even asked for that alone, thats it for that prescription, right because ritalin helped me with concetracion at the time. started smoking also at the same period of time, again concetracion, something because of that. As time went I started more and more to change into completely opposite person I am. I forgot to add  turning point , was still in high school and last day at celebrations or prom what you call it, took 1 or 2 tabs of xanax all in once and drank alcohol with it that night, to this day i dont remember what happened exactly, friends recorded me, i didnt know where i was, i was mad at them, real friends for sure like many of them.. That was all during that period, at the end of 2012  some dr prescribed me Rivotril, and that was my main problem. Before rivotril I was ordering again from internet, searching even vicodin and opiates, benzodiazepines, from various sites, still im not sure what was going on with me. Even try to lie to doctors I'm in paint and everything to try to get Vicodin or Oxycodone, now when i look at it, can't believe. Statred drinking also, going to city more openly, no limits at all. At first with this rivotril i was better sociallly, maybe more confident more energetic in terms of behaviour, weird reaction. All time i would search for different drugs on the internet, what a sickness, what a mess. I lost inhibiton little by little i chose my own dosages becase small dosages didnt help me at all i had to take always double dose or if i remember he sad 0.5 of rivotril i tried 2mg, trying to order again ritalin cause it helped me in school, i though i had concetracion problems but that was  all anxiety. In summer 2013 i was abusing all kinds of benzos, buying them and abusing for few months daily, smoked weed, drinking. it felt like i always needed much bigger dosages and thus started to heavily abuse, was it all just in my mind that i need twice or more bigger? I got in relationship with this girl at the end of that year, 2014 and onwards was waaay even worse. Abuse of everything, drugs even weed combined with alcohol, pills, i was extreme mess and had no control at all. I remember when I went to see this girl first time, she was from another city, I needed to smoke weed, drink and take benzos, ambien to be able to do that, what the hell was that all? One friend, former and I abused Ambien, it gave us hallucinations, its the only drug gave me hallucinations and gave me confidence, but i had to take soon much more and it didnt have any effect. I was addicted to rivotril i figured out later why was that. You would think I was dependant on Sanval or Amben also or any other drug that i mentioned but not, my only addiction was Rivotril, I'm not sure now on that period when i heavily abused all sort of them for few months was i dependant on all of them? What a distaster. In 2014, 9th month I went to psychiatry, my parents thought that would help me to get clean, when I returned, thats when even worse, true hell started. I was on 14 tablets or so, I was taking what he prescriped, what other doctors prescribed, I didnt't know what I was doing,  for years I wasn't aware of myself, changed personality completely. I was still with this girl, she loved me, but she was a mess also, I had a car at the time, wasn't working, periodically but nothing like a real job, worked with my father and older brother a little, but left soon, came back briefly in 2015, left again. Between 2014-2016 I tried Speed, Ecstasy, had thoughts about heroin, trying heroin, still have them, those were one of my first intrusive thoughts, I didn't know at the time. Smoked weed, but wasn't dependent on any on them. Got into problems with dealers, they tried to take money from me, selling fake cocaine or whatever. In Summer 2015 I went to Germany, mixing everything, can't even mention any more anyway doctor there told problem wasnt in pills. When I returned I quit CT all and everything i took, except Rivotril, I knew I was addicted to it. Soon started tolerance withdrawal all withdrawal, 2016 was bad that was beggining took Speed, had numbmness in my left side I thought I was paralyzed, but I wanted to change, I wanted to stop everything. In 2016 i broke up with that girl, couldnt handle that anymore, was too toxic for me. I got rid of that dealers, anyway still I wasn't clean but tried, was lost still on so many levels, smoking weed. Anyway to cut story had one more Ct from doctors when I went againt to psychiatry and then I finally went to Germany, my family send me there and in the city which was full of Drug addicts, junkies. I was at rock bottom, but I wasn't junkie. Anyway I finally CT in 7th month 2016 from Rivotril 8 or 10 mg at the time and Lamictal. Had one of the worst withdrawals ever. Couldnt walk, get up first few months, still didn't go to the hospital. Criminals, doctors. I was in Germany frist 8, 9 months far from home, my family is dysfuntcional. I survived there another torture, woman I was with at the time was crazy. I survived even that, I went home and this withdrawal kept going pretty much the same, non stop 24/7 torture first 20 months, then I tried cannabis oild in 3rd months 2018, developed even bigger problems, started drinking beer in 7th months, againt without control for 5, 6 months, do I count that as a withdrawall still or what? I ended up in psychiatry again at the end of 2018, at 2.5 years out but I was drinking and used oil before, does it count? Anyway they put me on Valium(Apaurin here) and some antypsychotic. When I got there he said I have acute psychosis, I had severe intrusive thoughts amongst other sxs because I drank...
Again I tried to get off, was so dissappointed, I quit again CT first AP then Apaurin, took that maybe 2, 3 months, got off ct 20 Mgs or more, 25. I survived somehow and went on like that for 5, 6 more months more, things just went worse, extreme DP and everything other, couldnt sleep and I had no choice but to go to doctor in 9tj month 2019, she prescribed me some andidepressant and Apaurin again, I took that for 2, 3 months, was smoking weed also, i wont write much about this period cause I dont want.
In 2020 I was heavily medicated, was in psychaitry again, again on medications, it was even worse when I was self medicating, doctors changed every 15, 20 days prescriptions and that lasted a year. I was at my worst, another rock bottom at that that.
I got off everything again in 2021, in the begining.
All in all im 6 years out or so since first withdrawal, i struggle with hope for my healing because im so protracted and lost case i think im truly worst case. in terms of my abuse of medications and drugs, many many withdrawals and everything.  Lost every friend and family also, they don't understand anything of this i try to understand to them what is going on, but Iappear a victim and lunatic everytime, and when i go to anger they just all go away, they all blame it on me, i dont trust them anything, have terrible intrusive thoughts, feel totaly lost with them like im not aware or something cant cope with them of intensity i guess.
I don't expect anything no more, I just dont care and just want to adopt that mentality because i only know suffer and pain, im tired of hearing i'm victim i play victim and everything else, i feel like nobody is on my side and feel so lonely, have severe monopohobia... Nothing changes from day to day right now, in 2021 I was better or i think so for couple of months. then it came back last year again.. right now, im so dissapointed,
Forgot to say i had anxiety before i got sick at 13 years old, first few years i didnt even know, but i dont care anymore, anyway i didnt wanna go to doctor, and when i got there he diagnosed me with anxiety and depression and i didn't believe him, couldnt accept that or what, that i was sick, that is what i tink it was but i honestly dont care and dont remember anymore, it led me to self medicating and heavy use and polydrug and everything. Anyway, hope to find maybe some support here, maybe not. Doesn't matter.

Sorry for this long post, I really needed to be honest as I could.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Protracted, need hope and support
« Reply #1 on: May 21, 2022, 05:06:23 pm »
Hello [...], welcome back to BenzoBuddies,

You've had a terrible journey and I can see you've suffered and are suffering a lot but it's wonderful to know you've stopped the drugs, that's a great accomplishment.  If you've only been drug free since 2021 its quite possible you're still recovering and will continue to as time goes on.  Do you record your symptoms and their severity so you can see your progress on paper?  I neglected to do this when I quit and my poor sick brain could never let me acknowledge I was getting better even though I was.

I hope we can help you feel less alone and understood, you might want to post on the Post-withdrawal Recovery Support to get the support you need.

[...]
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Protracted, need hope and support
« Reply #2 on: May 21, 2022, 06:53:14 pm »
Hello [...], welcome back to BenzoBuddies,

You've had a terrible journey and I can see you've suffered and are suffering a lot but it's wonderful to know you've stopped the drugs, that's a great accomplishment.  If you've only been drug free since 2021 its quite possible you're still recovering and will continue to as time goes on.  Do you record your symptoms and their severity so you can see your progress on paper?  I neglected to do this when I quit and my poor sick brain could never let me acknowledge I was getting better even though I was.

I hope we can help you feel less alone and understood, you might want to post on the Post-withdrawal Recovery Support to get the support you need.

[...]

Thank you [...] very much for everything. I did actually today wrote them down first time. Was too neglecting it. I was better two months ago, self confidence, like a window or better I dont know, now again  I am terrible, wave or what? I can't even talk about it triggers me so much how to deal with it? Worse than ever few days ago..and nothing seems to change.
What i wrote down today: intrusive thoughts my worst symptom(very severe), fear of height, thinking I will never recover, monophobia(also very severe), fear of symptoms, mentioning sxs, reading about them, irritation(around family and other people, fear of writing it as anger(or being mad), thoughts get crazy when I say it more directly...extreme isolation and loneliness, really i have nobody, no life built, soon 29 years old and ive lost everything.
I also quit nicotine, i dont see any benefit from it at the moment, only worse anxiety and anger maybe? I have always these thoughts which tell me what to do, intrusive thoughts also?
My symptoms are all very intense, 24/7 I'd say and they are always the same, always the same, every day same more or less, this is truly real torture.
I'm possibly the worst case? Or these thoughts say so, I have a fear of writing in detail more about what im going through and don't wanna mention it.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Protracted, need hope and support
« Reply #3 on: May 21, 2022, 09:25:44 pm »
The drug makes us think in worst case scenario's, no joy or love, only negativity and pain, its excruciating I know.  Have you seen this thread, it talks about the lies benzo's tell us, you might recognize some of them.  Benzo Lies That Have Been Busted

I'm glad you're writing your symptoms down, be sure to number them in relation to their severity, wouldn't it be wonderful to see in writing that they're lessening?  This seems to be the only way we can tell because we're so overwhelmed by them all.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Protracted, need hope and support
« Reply #4 on: May 22, 2022, 08:46:33 am »
I didn't know that, thank you, it was so reassuring to read this morning, until i had I fight with my dad, my family, they just throw and put me in anger, this is all unbeliavable still. Maybe of nicotine withdrawal this anger is intensified?
Thank you very much [...] I will look at the thread more today I apologise if I sound mad right now I need to calm down.
« Last Edit: May 22, 2022, 09:58:28 am by [Buddie] »
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Protracted, need hope and support
« Reply #5 on: May 22, 2022, 12:40:11 pm »
I know nicotine is a powerful substance and stopping that while going through this is major, typically we suggest not making changes because we're so sensitive but it's good you recognize that it may be playing a part in how you're feeling.

Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Protracted, need hope and support
« Reply #6 on: May 22, 2022, 01:03:34 pm »
Yes, I see my anxiety didn't improve because of stopping yet. Then I don't see so many positives about that.
This monophobia is pretty bad and severe I start breathing fast, other symptoms got worse because of that, can't do much to distract myself, surviving like always, barely. I hope someday this ends or gets to manageable level so I can try to build some kind of life.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Protracted, need hope and support
« Reply #7 on: May 22, 2022, 03:32:24 pm »
I just dont feel I can recover. Another terrible day. I dont see end to this, unfortunately.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Protracted, need hope and support
« Reply #8 on: May 22, 2022, 03:56:18 pm »

You have to keep going, it will get better, It doesnít matter if you believe it or not, you will recover eventually.  I know you don't have much on the ground support..I didnt, many of us were on our own with this..thankfully we have this forum.

Try and distract, try going for a walk, listen to some music, do anything to take your mind off symptoms.

You can do this!

[...] :smitten:
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Protracted, need hope and support
« Reply #9 on: May 23, 2022, 09:09:03 am »

You have to keep going, it will get better, It doesnít matter if you believe it or not, you will recover eventually.  I know you don't have much on the ground support..I didnt, many of us were on our own with this..thankfully we have this forum.

Try and distract, try going for a walk, listen to some music, do anything to take your mind off symptoms.

You can do this!

[...] :smitten:

Thank you for kind words and support. I hope it will, I was better for a few months last year, really better, then I started to drink coffee, eat sugar, icecream,  and some pizza food or kind of junk food, what a terrible mistake, and was so disciplined in it till then. Like I forgot what I went through, and last Sept ovestimulated myself physically too much with helping my brother. That is maybe main reason? After that hell again, same like before, or what?Yet nobody understands and we have little support. Could this be reason for my symptoms and setback or maybe not.
Again, thank you very much for kindndess, encouragment and support.  :smitten:
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.