Hi everyone.
Im so surprised by how I’ve found myself in this situation. In June of 2020, I got a chemical in my eye and was in white hot, searing pain. While being seen by a doctor who prescribed me steroids and antibiotics for my eye, he also prescribed me about 20 pills of Lorazepam. I went home and took a tiny fraction of a pill and knocked out. Maybe another tiny piece the following day, and I don’t think I touched them again for awhile.
At some point over the winter of 2020/2021, I started having some trouble sleeping and I can’t remember whether it was unprompted or whether it was prompted by taking some more lorazepam in response to a traumatic event in November of 2020. Either way, when a friend offered to sell me a couple bottles of Xanax, I bought a couple bottles for emergencies, thinking they’d last me a lifetime. He warned me about the high risk of addiction but I’ve never had any issues with addiction and have had a very, very strong self discipline with substances.
Over the course of 2021, my sleep got worse and I would use small amounts of Xanax to deal with it, maybe .5 mg once every week or so and then increased frequency and dosage as my sleep got worse. I think my peak was from December 2021 through end of March 2022, taking about an average of 1.5 mg about 4-5 nights a week for sleep. Ironically it was never for anxiety as I had finally healed my lifelong chronic anxiety using hypnotherapy in 2019 (huge advocate). But as I noticed anxiety coming back, I knew it was the Xanax and I stopped cold turkey at the end of March 2022. I didn’t know about tapering until about a month later.
I thankfully have avoided most of the symptoms except absolutely crippling insomnia. Also my usually great memory is suddenly very spotty which is frightening since I’ve been paranoid about some day getting the Alzheimer’s that destroyed my grandmother.
But this insomnia is completely upending my life. I’m operating at a fraction of the functionality I normally would be, which would be unfortunate no matter what, but I work for myself as an artist, by myself, living by and supporting myself in the most expensive city in the country, without any family close by. I also quit right as I transitioned from accepting paid commissions to creating a new business model that requires me to be on top of my game more than ever before, hustling like never before. Instead, I’m crippled. I’ve been working toward this shift for so long, and now that it’s here, I’m devastated that I can’t act on it. It’s hard to not blame myself for not knowing better.
Prior to putting 2 and 2 together, I had a physical with my first primary care physician in a couple years. I didn’t realize at the time why this was happening and asked for something to help with sleep, and also asked for benzos. She prescribed me Trazodone for sleep and Gabapentin instead of benzos. I switch back and forth between the two these days since otherwise I’d be getting no perceived sleep or about 30 min before waking up. Some days I get acupuncture, hypnotherapy, and/or a vitamin injection aimed toward sleep which can sometimes help me sleep a bit more, or without the prescriptions and instead with heavy doses of natural supplements, but it’s usually a one off and not consistent. Ironically, I started taking Xanax for sleep because natural supplements like CBD, melatonin, 5htp, magnesium, chamomile worked TOO well and would leave me groggy the next day while Xanax would not. Now, of course, taking 10x the dosage of these natural suppplements and all of them together still doesn’t work.
I don’t drink coffee. I eat very a clean, organic, diet. I also do intermittent fasting with occasional fasts of about 3-4 days just drinking bone broth. I also start most mornings with breath work and a few minutes of meditation. I’ve been trying to stay positive. I haven’t been exercising as much recently because of lack of energy from lack of sleep.
I’m trying to research as much as I can and have already learned a great deal from Reddit and YouTube. I haven’t updated my doctor on what I now know to be true about the cause of my insomnia. I’m trying to cut out anything that would further damage my GABAA receptors (it’s hard to sift through conflicting information and may have already been taking things that further down regulate).
I just wish I could move through this process so much faster than I have been. I can toss and turn for a couple hours while staying positive before the utter despair eventually settles in. Maybe if I didn’t have to support myself I could relax into this process more. Or if I wasn’t at such a major crossroads. I fear that the next year of my life will be a wash and I will have lost everything I’ve worked so hard for, and miss out on some huge opportunities. I already am.
Thanks in advance for any advice and support. I’m already really grateful for finding this forum.
Best.
