20 months of Zero-K after a 10.5-mo taper. HEALED.

In 2004, a script doctor began prescribing me Adderall. 30 mg per day. It pepped me up in the mornings, but made me really want to drink booze and smoke cigarettes.

 

In 2009, she added 10 mg of Zolpidem. It helped with sleep, but I began taking 2-3 an evening, refusing to sleep, and just watching TV while “enjoying” its hypnotic affect.

 

In 2013, she added 2 mg of Klonopin per day, since I told her that I needed an antidepressant, but something that didn’t take a month to start working, or a month to get out of my system when I wanted to quit it, like Zoloft. She told me about the short half-life of Klonopin and told me it would be simple to quit anytime I felt like.

 

I loved Klonopin. Within 6 months, I was up to 3 mg per day.

 

On Mondays, I would wake up, take 1/2 of my Adderall, tamp down some of the resulting anxiety with 1-2 mg of Klonopin, be productive, and push myself to the end of the work day when I could binge-drink vodka. I’d drink a ridiculous amount until 2:00 am, and feel like garbage the next day. Upon waking, I’d take 2 mg of Klonopin to fight the hangover, and I’d be good to get through another day. That night, I would take 2-3 Zolpidem to chill out with, and another mg of Klonopin, and end up passing out. The next day, I’d wake up and go back to the Adderall, which caused me to end the evening binge-drinking again. This cycle continued for 6.5 years.

 

I nearly lost everything. I did the bare minimum to get by at my job. My girlfriend of 11 years got fed up and left. I’d spend 16+ hours a day in bed, on my iPad. I gained 100 lbs. I stopped speaking to my mother for 1.5 years. I ended up living in filth.

 

I started taking CBD oil when it became legal in my state (Georgia). I liked it so much that I stopped taking so much Klonopin. Instead of having 2 or 3 pills left over at the end of the month, I’d have 20. Within a few weeks, I cut down to using Klonopin only 2 or 3 days each week, while still abusing the Zolpidem and alcohol. My sleep started suffering and my dreams were strange but I figured it was some passing phase. In October 2019, I woke up one morning, and thought I was in hell. I knew I NEEDED a Klonopin, but I didn’t know how to find one. I walked around my home in a stupor for two hours before I found a bottle right next to my bed. I downed about 4 mg, and the symptoms faded until I felt almost normal again by nightfall.

 

I started reading up on Klonopin and withdrawal and tapering. I found this site, and I read Dr. Ashton’s manual. I knew I had to get off of this drug ASAP, but safely. I stabilized myself at 2.5 mg per day for the next week or two, then began my taper.

 

On 10/9/2019, I started my taper, cutting to 2 mg/day. That day, I also quit smoking cigarettes, quit Zolpidem C/T, and quit caffeine. Tapering the Klonopin was rough, but nothing I couldn’t handle. I’m very motivated and goal-oriented, and I planned to cut .25 mg every 2 weeks until I was off of Klonopin. It didn’t quite work that way.

 

I got down to 1 mg/day by 12/5/2019, and actually reconnected with my mother. This is when the too-rapid taper caught up with me, and the bottom fell out. I went through absolute hell during my taper. If it weren’t for COVID, there is no way I could have kept my job. I lay in bed as much as I possibly could from December 2019 through December 2021.

 

I had intense anxiety, audio hallucinations (gunshots any time I began to drift off to sleep), unbelievable insomnia (not the kind where you’re just not sleepy, but the kind where you’re sleepier than you’ve ever been, but every time you begin to doze off, jolts go through your body keeping you from sleeping). I’d go weeks with almost no sleep. When I did sleep, I had nightmares that I was being suffocated. I had terrible trouble breathing. I felt like I was drowning when I lay down flat. I had to sleep on a ramp I’d make out of pillows on my bed to keep my head up to get rid of the drowning sensation. While I tapered, I would have one week where I didn’t make much sense when I spoke to or texted anyone, and I’d black out the entire week and remember nothing. I was terrified, depressed and had never felt so alone.

 

I thank god for so many people on this site who helped me at my lowest points. If it weren’t for @Bob7, I don’t know if I would have made it. His advice about slowing down my taper was invaluable.

 

The two worst times of my taper were in February and July 2020. I got severe ear infections in both ears during both of those months. Both ears were swollen shut, and filled with liquid. I couldn’t hear, and there was a sense of fullness I couldn’t get rid of, like when your ears clog up on an airplane. I felt like I was losing my mind. To combat the infections, I had to go on antibiotics, which threw me into acute withdrawal. This ushered in the shallow breathing and insomnia. At one point, I passed out and hit the floor as I dozed off while standing up in my bedroom, propped up against the wall.

 

Bob7’s taper advice saved me. I started pulverizing and weighing my pills, and cutting .003 mg every 2 days. This smoothed everything out for me, and allowed me to step off at .0147 mg on 8/19/2020. I was scared about acute withdrawal after quitting, but it never happened. In fact, after about 36 hours, I felt all of my systems “go back online” and I felt like I was 18 again. My lungs immediately cleared up; I felt happy; I drove across town to a bookstore and drank coffee and felt fine in public. About 2 days later, I didn’t feel as great. But those 2 days showed me that I was, in fact, capable of healing.

 

Every day of zero Klonopin has felt better than every day of my taper, but it has been trying at times. I caught COVID in August 2021 (thank God I was vaccinated). Three people I work with caught the same strain. One was hospitalized, and another one passed away. My breathing was terrible through the end of last year, and the sleep issues returned, but I made it through.

 

In August, I switched to a gluten-free diet, and my itching and sleep issues improved dramatically. In January, I began limiting my carb intake to 20-30 mg per day, and I felt immensely better. I’ve lost a little weight, but nowhere near as much as I should have, having been on such a drastic diet for four+ months now. My extended Benzo belly is the last symptom that hasn’t gone away yet, although I am seeing some progress.

 

Something magical happened at 18 months off. My anxiety went away. My brain came back. I was able to speak eloquently again, without having to stop to search for words. My short-term memory improved dramatically. My depression lifted.

 

I just got back from a week-long vacation to Montana. I took my 74 year-old father with me, and we drove through Yellowstone National Park, from Montana to Idaho to Wyoming. Six months ago, I lamented the fact that I never saw myself getting on an airplane again. One of the great joys of my life has been traveling. I live to go places I’ve never been. From 10/2019 through 2/2022, I knew that that part of my life was over, due to the sudden onset of claustrophobia, and resulting fear of flying. The four flights I took last week (2 there, 2 back) were absolutely worry-free. My irrational fear disappeared as quickly as it came on.

 

I rented a 4WD to get around Yellowstone and Grand Teton, and the bill they emailed me when I turned it back in says I drove 890 miles. These were tough miles, up and down mountains, overlooking cliffs, and one day (Thursday) through a blizzard. No way I could have done that 6 months ago.

 

One thing I want to mention is that PTSD from the trauma we experience going through taper and withdrawal is REAL. I got very used to lying in my bed, and having people do things for me, not out of laziness, but because of fear and depression. Getting up and doing things is the best thing you can do. There are days when that will be impossible, and that is OK. But on a day when you’ve got even a little bit of energy, get up, and push yourself to do something, even if it’s just going to the mailbox.

 

I’m trying to keep my momentum going from my vacation. In Montana, it was second-nature to wake up early, get breakfast, hop in the car, and set off on the day’s adventure I had planned out the night before. I need to hit my humdrum, everyday life with the same energy now that I’m back at home. I lost 6.5 years to being on this crap, and 2.5 years to getting off of it. Enough is enough.

 

KEEP FIGHTING. WE DO HEAL.

 

Waves are temporary and windows are inevitable.

 

Much Love to all who are doing what they can to fight this beast. You are all my heros.

I'm so happy to read your success story, you fought so hard and you came out whole, thank you for coming back and writing it, this will give hope to others. 

Wonderful success story! Thank you for writing it.  It definitely gives me hope as I prepare to step off this week.

 

Congratulations for your healing ! I am so happy for you! Thank  you for sharing this to us!I really need to hear this today I am  22 months out and still suffering almost everyday , insomnia is killing me I feel so hopeless  but your story really encouraging me . Thank you I wish you continue healing and enjoy the second chance of your life!

Great successtory, you really went through a lot but made it! "Glad" to hear another person had the sound hallucianations when drifting off, its called "exploding head syndrone" (for real), heather ashton mentions it too. I have only found 3 people so far on here that had it. Had it the first 3 months then 2,5 month break now its back with other hypnic stuff again sigh. Also great to read your insomnia got better.

 

Wishing you a great benzo free life!

thank you for the kind words

You went through so much, from being on a lot of medications as well as alcohol. Your fierce determination to let go of all these is amazing, you deserve this life of wellness. Thanks for posting this message of hope.

 

pianogirl 

great ending to a tough fight

What am incredible journey you have had! Congratulations on your success and thanks for sharing your story.

 

One of these days I'm going to have to address my diet... But not today lol.

I love your story!  You are honest and gutsy and generous to share with all of us.  I took a lot of Benzos, Z drugs, migraine meds and later drank a lot of wine to compensate for tolerance withdrawal so knowing you got better helps me to know I can too.  Thank you!! Keep on living and enjoying!

Amazing! Thank you for your honest story of hope. I'm so glad to hear that you're loving life again.

Congratulations and thank you for writing about your journey and success!  Your inspirational story will give others hope! Keep getting better and better 😌

Thanks for taking the time to tell us of your journey. We all could use a little hope. I’m 22 months off and still in the struggle. But I’m slowly getting back to normal. When you were talking about traveling. About driving and getting on a n airplane I was surprised by how foreign that seems to me. I’ve got some major healing to do before I can even dream of traveling. But wow it sounds sooooooo goood. One of these days, that will be me writing about my travel adventures. 

Congrats to you. Have a happy new life.

Bump

On 02/05/2022 at 06:07, [[L...] said:

In 2004, a script doctor began prescribing me Adderall. 30 mg per day. It pepped me up in the mornings, but made me really want to drink booze and smoke cigarettes.

In 2009, she added 10 mg of Zolpidem. It helped with sleep, but I began taking 2-3 an evening, refusing to sleep, and just watching TV while “enjoying” its hypnotic affect.

In 2013, she added 2 mg of Klonopin per day, since I told her that I needed an antidepressant, but something that didn’t take a month to start working, or a month to get out of my system when I wanted to quit it, like Zoloft. She told me about the short half-life of Klonopin and told me it would be simple to quit anytime I felt like.

I loved Klonopin. Within 6 months, I was up to 3 mg per day.

On Mondays, I would wake up, take 1/2 of my Adderall, tamp down some of the resulting anxiety with 1-2 mg of Klonopin, be productive, and push myself to the end of the work day when I could binge-drink vodka. I’d drink a ridiculous amount until 2:00 am, and feel like garbage the next day. Upon waking, I’d take 2 mg of Klonopin to fight the hangover, and I’d be good to get through another day. That night, I would take 2-3 Zolpidem to chill out with, and another mg of Klonopin, and end up passing out. The next day, I’d wake up and go back to the Adderall, which caused me to end the evening binge-drinking again. This cycle continued for 6.5 years.

I nearly lost everything. I did the bare minimum to get by at my job. My girlfriend of 11 years got fed up and left. I’d spend 16+ hours a day in bed, on my iPad. I gained 100 lbs. I stopped speaking to my mother for 1.5 years. I ended up living in filth.

I started taking CBD oil when it became legal in my state (Georgia). I liked it so much that I stopped taking so much Klonopin. Instead of having 2 or 3 pills left over at the end of the month, I’d have 20. Within a few weeks, I cut down to using Klonopin only 2 or 3 days each week, while still abusing the Zolpidem and alcohol. My sleep started suffering and my dreams were strange but I figured it was some passing phase. In October 2019, I woke up one morning, and thought I was in hell. I knew I NEEDED a Klonopin, but I didn’t know how to find one. I walked around my home in a stupor for two hours before I found a bottle right next to my bed. I downed about 4 mg, and the symptoms faded until I felt almost normal again by nightfall.

I started reading up on Klonopin and withdrawal and tapering. I found this site, and I read Dr. Ashton’s manual. I knew I had to get off of this drug ASAP, but safely. I stabilized myself at 2.5 mg per day for the next week or two, then began my taper.

On 10/9/2019, I started my taper, cutting to 2 mg/day. That day, I also quit smoking cigarettes, quit Zolpidem C/T, and quit caffeine. Tapering the Klonopin was rough, but nothing I couldn’t handle. I’m very motivated and goal-oriented, and I planned to cut .25 mg every 2 weeks until I was off of Klonopin. It didn’t quite work that way.

I got down to 1 mg/day by 12/5/2019, and actually reconnected with my mother. This is when the too-rapid taper caught up with me, and the bottom fell out. I went through absolute hell during my taper. If it weren’t for COVID, there is no way I could have kept my job. I lay in bed as much as I possibly could from December 2019 through December 2021.

I had intense anxiety, audio hallucinations (gunshots any time I began to drift off to sleep), unbelievable insomnia (not the kind where you’re just not sleepy, but the kind where you’re sleepier than you’ve ever been, but every time you begin to doze off, jolts go through your body keeping you from sleeping). I’d go weeks with almost no sleep. When I did sleep, I had nightmares that I was being suffocated. I had terrible trouble breathing. I felt like I was drowning when I lay down flat. I had to sleep on a ramp I’d make out of pillows on my bed to keep my head up to get rid of the drowning sensation. While I tapered, I would have one week where I didn’t make much sense when I spoke to or texted anyone, and I’d black out the entire week and remember nothing. I was terrified, depressed and had never felt so alone.

I thank god for so many people on this site who helped me at my lowest points. If it weren’t for @Bob7, I don’t know if I would have made it. His advice about slowing down my taper was invaluable.

The two worst times of my taper were in February and July 2020. I got severe ear infections in both ears during both of those months. Both ears were swollen shut, and filled with liquid. I couldn’t hear, and there was a sense of fullness I couldn’t get rid of, like when your ears clog up on an airplane. I felt like I was losing my mind. To combat the infections, I had to go on antibiotics, which threw me into acute withdrawal. This ushered in the shallow breathing and insomnia. At one point, I passed out and hit the floor as I dozed off while standing up in my bedroom, propped up against the wall.

Bob7’s taper advice saved me. I started pulverizing and weighing my pills, and cutting .003 mg every 2 days. This smoothed everything out for me, and allowed me to step off at .0147 mg on 8/19/2020. I was scared about acute withdrawal after quitting, but it never happened. In fact, after about 36 hours, I felt all of my systems “go back online” and I felt like I was 18 again. My lungs immediately cleared up; I felt happy; I drove across town to a bookstore and drank coffee and felt fine in public. About 2 days later, I didn’t feel as great. But those 2 days showed me that I was, in fact, capable of healing.

Every day of zero Klonopin has felt better than every day of my taper, but it has been trying at times. I caught COVID in August 2021 (thank God I was vaccinated). Three people I work with caught the same strain. One was hospitalized, and another one passed away. My breathing was terrible through the end of last year, and the sleep issues returned, but I made it through.

In August, I switched to a gluten-free diet, and my itching and sleep issues improved dramatically. In January, I began limiting my carb intake to 20-30 mg per day, and I felt immensely better. I’ve lost a little weight, but nowhere near as much as I should have, having been on such a drastic diet for four+ months now. My extended Benzo belly is the last symptom that hasn’t gone away yet, although I am seeing some progress.

Something magical happened at 18 months off. My anxiety went away. My brain came back. I was able to speak eloquently again, without having to stop to search for words. My short-term memory improved dramatically. My depression lifted.

I just got back from a week-long vacation to Montana. I took my 74 year-old father with me, and we drove through Yellowstone National Park, from Montana to Idaho to Wyoming. Six months ago, I lamented the fact that I never saw myself getting on an airplane again. One of the great joys of my life has been traveling. I live to go places I’ve never been. From 10/2019 through 2/2022, I knew that that part of my life was over, due to the sudden onset of claustrophobia, and resulting fear of flying. The four flights I took last week (2 there, 2 back) were absolutely worry-free. My irrational fear disappeared as quickly as it came on.

I rented a 4WD to get around Yellowstone and Grand Teton, and the bill they emailed me when I turned it back in says I drove 890 miles. These were tough miles, up and down mountains, overlooking cliffs, and one day (Thursday) through a blizzard. No way I could have done that 6 months ago.

One thing I want to mention is that PTSD from the trauma we experience going through taper and withdrawal is REAL. I got very used to lying in my bed, and having people do things for me, not out of laziness, but because of fear and depression. Getting up and doing things is the best thing you can do. There are days when that will be impossible, and that is OK. But on a day when you’ve got even a little bit of energy, get up, and push yourself to do something, even if it’s just going to the mailbox.

I’m trying to keep my momentum going from my vacation. In Montana, it was second-nature to wake up early, get breakfast, hop in the car, and set off on the day’s adventure I had planned out the night before. I need to hit my humdrum, everyday life with the same energy now that I’m back at home. I lost 6.5 years to being on this crap, and 2.5 years to getting off of it. Enough is enough.

KEEP FIGHTING. WE DO HEAL.

Waves are temporary and windows are inevitable.

Much Love to all who are doing what they can to fight this beast. You are all my heros.

Good for you. It is great to hear such success stories.

 

I am four years off Klonopin, but currently going through a panic attack. My pdoc has prescribed me valium should I need it, and after 4 years of benzos, I don't really want to take it. 

Valium is a Benzo with a long half-life. I'd avoid all future Benzo use especially after 4 years off.  Why put yourself through that again?  There are other non-drug ways to deal with panic attacks.

3 minutes ago, [[T...] said:

Valium is a Benzo with a long half-life. I'd avoid all future Benzo use especially after 4 years off.  Why put yourself through that again?  There are other non-drug ways to deal with panic attacks.

I have tried many ways, and I am trying to avoid the valium at all costs. Do you have any suggestions for the ways to deal with such panic attacks?

@[de...] please start a thread of your own on the relevant forum to discuss your symptoms. 

On 29/06/2023 at 22:10, [[C...] said:

By posting your Success Story, you will help and encourage others in reaching their goals.

What constitutes 'success' will vary between individuals - it is for you determine what success means for you. If you have attained your benzodiazepine goals, we would like hear from you.

Please adhere to the following guidance:

• You should have achieved your goal;
• Your Story should be uplifting and positive, and aim to inspire others to achieve their goals.

An important note about comments to Success Stories:

• All comments to Success Stories should be positive and focused upon the achievements of the author. If you wish to discuss points from a Story relating to your own taper, withdrawal, or recovery, please start a thread on an appropriate forum. You might send a direct Message inviting the author of a Success Story to comment to your thread. But please be mindful that the author is under no obligation to respond.

 

Hello.

I have a very similar story. My doctor prescribed me hydazepam, which is an analogue of diazepam, in 2011. 

Later I read that the medicine eliminates hangovers, until 2019 I abused alcohol, drank a lot, and relieved a hangover As a result, I developed an addiction to Gidazepam, which I found out about in 2019 when I quit drinking alcohol

And it's been 12 years since I've been taking benzodiazepines and decided to finally give them up, today is the 4th day since I lowered the dose, the sensation is still tolerable, but already tonight it was bad, but I just lay down, closed my eyes and endured. 

Thanks to the author of the thread for his experience, now I know that it is possible, and I also finally understood where my big belly and claustrophobia came from.

This is because of benzodiazepines, as it was not available before.

This is a very useful forum site, it gave me hope that I would quit this nasty thing

Thank you for being there and for sharing your experience. Hugs to you. 

On 01/05/2022 at 22:07, [[L...] said:

In 2004, a script doctor began prescribing me Adderall. 30 mg per day. It pepped me up in the mornings, but made me really want to drink booze and smoke cigarettes.

In 2009, she added 10 mg of Zolpidem. It helped with sleep, but I began taking 2-3 an evening, refusing to sleep, and just watching TV while “enjoying” its hypnotic affect.

In 2013, she added 2 mg of Klonopin per day, since I told her that I needed an antidepressant, but something that didn’t take a month to start working, or a month to get out of my system when I wanted to quit it, like Zoloft. She told me about the short half-life of Klonopin and told me it would be simple to quit anytime I felt like.

I loved Klonopin. Within 6 months, I was up to 3 mg per day.

On Mondays, I would wake up, take 1/2 of my Adderall, tamp down some of the resulting anxiety with 1-2 mg of Klonopin, be productive, and push myself to the end of the work day when I could binge-drink vodka. I’d drink a ridiculous amount until 2:00 am, and feel like garbage the next day. Upon waking, I’d take 2 mg of Klonopin to fight the hangover, and I’d be good to get through another day. That night, I would take 2-3 Zolpidem to chill out with, and another mg of Klonopin, and end up passing out. The next day, I’d wake up and go back to the Adderall, which caused me to end the evening binge-drinking again. This cycle continued for 6.5 years.

I nearly lost everything. I did the bare minimum to get by at my job. My girlfriend of 11 years got fed up and left. I’d spend 16+ hours a day in bed, on my iPad. I gained 100 lbs. I stopped speaking to my mother for 1.5 years. I ended up living in filth.

I started taking CBD oil when it became legal in my state (Georgia). I liked it so much that I stopped taking so much Klonopin. Instead of having 2 or 3 pills left over at the end of the month, I’d have 20. Within a few weeks, I cut down to using Klonopin only 2 or 3 days each week, while still abusing the Zolpidem and alcohol. My sleep started suffering and my dreams were strange but I figured it was some passing phase. In October 2019, I woke up one morning, and thought I was in hell. I knew I NEEDED a Klonopin, but I didn’t know how to find one. I walked around my home in a stupor for two hours before I found a bottle right next to my bed. I downed about 4 mg, and the symptoms faded until I felt almost normal again by nightfall.

I started reading up on Klonopin and withdrawal and tapering. I found this site, and I read Dr. Ashton’s manual. I knew I had to get off of this drug ASAP, but safely. I stabilized myself at 2.5 mg per day for the next week or two, then began my taper.

On 10/9/2019, I started my taper, cutting to 2 mg/day. That day, I also quit smoking cigarettes, quit Zolpidem C/T, and quit caffeine. Tapering the Klonopin was rough, but nothing I couldn’t handle. I’m very motivated and goal-oriented, and I planned to cut .25 mg every 2 weeks until I was off of Klonopin. It didn’t quite work that way.

I got down to 1 mg/day by 12/5/2019, and actually reconnected with my mother. This is when the too-rapid taper caught up with me, and the bottom fell out. I went through absolute hell during my taper. If it weren’t for COVID, there is no way I could have kept my job. I lay in bed as much as I possibly could from December 2019 through December 2021.

I had intense anxiety, audio hallucinations (gunshots any time I began to drift off to sleep), unbelievable insomnia (not the kind where you’re just not sleepy, but the kind where you’re sleepier than you’ve ever been, but every time you begin to doze off, jolts go through your body keeping you from sleeping). I’d go weeks with almost no sleep. When I did sleep, I had nightmares that I was being suffocated. I had terrible trouble breathing. I felt like I was drowning when I lay down flat. I had to sleep on a ramp I’d make out of pillows on my bed to keep my head up to get rid of the drowning sensation. While I tapered, I would have one week where I didn’t make much sense when I spoke to or texted anyone, and I’d black out the entire week and remember nothing. I was terrified, depressed and had never felt so alone.

I thank god for so many people on this site who helped me at my lowest points. If it weren’t for @Bob7, I don’t know if I would have made it. His advice about slowing down my taper was invaluable.

The two worst times of my taper were in February and July 2020. I got severe ear infections in both ears during both of those months. Both ears were swollen shut, and filled with liquid. I couldn’t hear, and there was a sense of fullness I couldn’t get rid of, like when your ears clog up on an airplane. I felt like I was losing my mind. To combat the infections, I had to go on antibiotics, which threw me into acute withdrawal. This ushered in the shallow breathing and insomnia. At one point, I passed out and hit the floor as I dozed off while standing up in my bedroom, propped up against the wall.

Bob7’s taper advice saved me. I started pulverizing and weighing my pills, and cutting .003 mg every 2 days. This smoothed everything out for me, and allowed me to step off at .0147 mg on 8/19/2020. I was scared about acute withdrawal after quitting, but it never happened. In fact, after about 36 hours, I felt all of my systems “go back online” and I felt like I was 18 again. My lungs immediately cleared up; I felt happy; I drove across town to a bookstore and drank coffee and felt fine in public. About 2 days later, I didn’t feel as great. But those 2 days showed me that I was, in fact, capable of healing.

Every day of zero Klonopin has felt better than every day of my taper, but it has been trying at times. I caught COVID in August 2021 (thank God I was vaccinated). Three people I work with caught the same strain. One was hospitalized, and another one passed away. My breathing was terrible through the end of last year, and the sleep issues returned, but I made it through.

In August, I switched to a gluten-free diet, and my itching and sleep issues improved dramatically. In January, I began limiting my carb intake to 20-30 mg per day, and I felt immensely better. I’ve lost a little weight, but nowhere near as much as I should have, having been on such a drastic diet for four+ months now. My extended Benzo belly is the last symptom that hasn’t gone away yet, although I am seeing some progress.

Something magical happened at 18 months off. My anxiety went away. My brain came back. I was able to speak eloquently again, without having to stop to search for words. My short-term memory improved dramatically. My depression lifted.

I just got back from a week-long vacation to Montana. I took my 74 year-old father with me, and we drove through Yellowstone National Park, from Montana to Idaho to Wyoming. Six months ago, I lamented the fact that I never saw myself getting on an airplane again. One of the great joys of my life has been traveling. I live to go places I’ve never been. From 10/2019 through 2/2022, I knew that that part of my life was over, due to the sudden onset of claustrophobia, and resulting fear of flying. The four flights I took last week (2 there, 2 back) were absolutely worry-free. My irrational fear disappeared as quickly as it came on.

I rented a 4WD to get around Yellowstone and Grand Teton, and the bill they emailed me when I turned it back in says I drove 890 miles. These were tough miles, up and down mountains, overlooking cliffs, and one day (Thursday) through a blizzard. No way I could have done that 6 months ago.

One thing I want to mention is that PTSD from the trauma we experience going through taper and withdrawal is REAL. I got very used to lying in my bed, and having people do things for me, not out of laziness, but because of fear and depression. Getting up and doing things is the best thing you can do. There are days when that will be impossible, and that is OK. But on a day when you’ve got even a little bit of energy, get up, and push yourself to do something, even if it’s just going to the mailbox.

I’m trying to keep my momentum going from my vacation. In Montana, it was second-nature to wake up early, get breakfast, hop in the car, and set off on the day’s adventure I had planned out the night before. I need to hit my humdrum, everyday life with the same energy now that I’m back at home. I lost 6.5 years to being on this crap, and 2.5 years to getting off of it. Enough is enough.

KEEP FIGHTING. WE DO HEAL.

Waves are temporary and windows are inevitable.

Much Love to all who are doing what they can to fight this beast. You are all my heros.

Happy to read that you were able to heal from such a difficult place! Reading your story just makes me amazed how doctors can actually prescribe these medications one after another without fear. Hope I can heal too. Enough is enough really. I´ll try to keep my anxiety in check. Very happy for you

On 01/05/2022 at 20:07, [[L...] said:

In 2004, a script doctor began prescribing me Adderall. 30 mg per day. It pepped me up in the mornings, but made me really want to drink booze and smoke cigarettes.

In 2009, she added 10 mg of Zolpidem. It helped with sleep, but I began taking 2-3 an evening, refusing to sleep, and just watching TV while “enjoying” its hypnotic affect.

In 2013, she added 2 mg of Klonopin per day, since I told her that I needed an antidepressant, but something that didn’t take a month to start working, or a month to get out of my system when I wanted to quit it, like Zoloft. She told me about the short half-life of Klonopin and told me it would be simple to quit anytime I felt like.

I loved Klonopin. Within 6 months, I was up to 3 mg per day.

On Mondays, I would wake up, take 1/2 of my Adderall, tamp down some of the resulting anxiety with 1-2 mg of Klonopin, be productive, and push myself to the end of the work day when I could binge-drink vodka. I’d drink a ridiculous amount until 2:00 am, and feel like garbage the next day. Upon waking, I’d take 2 mg of Klonopin to fight the hangover, and I’d be good to get through another day. That night, I would take 2-3 Zolpidem to chill out with, and another mg of Klonopin, and end up passing out. The next day, I’d wake up and go back to the Adderall, which caused me to end the evening binge-drinking again. This cycle continued for 6.5 years.

I nearly lost everything. I did the bare minimum to get by at my job. My girlfriend of 11 years got fed up and left. I’d spend 16+ hours a day in bed, on my iPad. I gained 100 lbs. I stopped speaking to my mother for 1.5 years. I ended up living in filth.

I started taking CBD oil when it became legal in my state (Georgia). I liked it so much that I stopped taking so much Klonopin. Instead of having 2 or 3 pills left over at the end of the month, I’d have 20. Within a few weeks, I cut down to using Klonopin only 2 or 3 days each week, while still abusing the Zolpidem and alcohol. My sleep started suffering and my dreams were strange but I figured it was some passing phase. In October 2019, I woke up one morning, and thought I was in hell. I knew I NEEDED a Klonopin, but I didn’t know how to find one. I walked around my home in a stupor for two hours before I found a bottle right next to my bed. I downed about 4 mg, and the symptoms faded until I felt almost normal again by nightfall.

I started reading up on Klonopin and withdrawal and tapering. I found this site, and I read Dr. Ashton’s manual. I knew I had to get off of this drug ASAP, but safely. I stabilized myself at 2.5 mg per day for the next week or two, then began my taper.

On 10/9/2019, I started my taper, cutting to 2 mg/day. That day, I also quit smoking cigarettes, quit Zolpidem C/T, and quit caffeine. Tapering the Klonopin was rough, but nothing I couldn’t handle. I’m very motivated and goal-oriented, and I planned to cut .25 mg every 2 weeks until I was off of Klonopin. It didn’t quite work that way.

I got down to 1 mg/day by 12/5/2019, and actually reconnected with my mother. This is when the too-rapid taper caught up with me, and the bottom fell out. I went through absolute hell during my taper. If it weren’t for COVID, there is no way I could have kept my job. I lay in bed as much as I possibly could from December 2019 through December 2021.

I had intense anxiety, audio hallucinations (gunshots any time I began to drift off to sleep), unbelievable insomnia (not the kind where you’re just not sleepy, but the kind where you’re sleepier than you’ve ever been, but every time you begin to doze off, jolts go through your body keeping you from sleeping). I’d go weeks with almost no sleep. When I did sleep, I had nightmares that I was being suffocated. I had terrible trouble breathing. I felt like I was drowning when I lay down flat. I had to sleep on a ramp I’d make out of pillows on my bed to keep my head up to get rid of the drowning sensation. While I tapered, I would have one week where I didn’t make much sense when I spoke to or texted anyone, and I’d black out the entire week and remember nothing. I was terrified, depressed and had never felt so alone.

I thank god for so many people on this site who helped me at my lowest points. If it weren’t for @Bob7, I don’t know if I would have made it. His advice about slowing down my taper was invaluable.

The two worst times of my taper were in February and July 2020. I got severe ear infections in both ears during both of those months. Both ears were swollen shut, and filled with liquid. I couldn’t hear, and there was a sense of fullness I couldn’t get rid of, like when your ears clog up on an airplane. I felt like I was losing my mind. To combat the infections, I had to go on antibiotics, which threw me into acute withdrawal. This ushered in the shallow breathing and insomnia. At one point, I passed out and hit the floor as I dozed off while standing up in my bedroom, propped up against the wall.

Bob7’s taper advice saved me. I started pulverizing and weighing my pills, and cutting .003 mg every 2 days. This smoothed everything out for me, and allowed me to step off at .0147 mg on 8/19/2020. I was scared about acute withdrawal after quitting, but it never happened. In fact, after about 36 hours, I felt all of my systems “go back online” and I felt like I was 18 again. My lungs immediately cleared up; I felt happy; I drove across town to a bookstore and drank coffee and felt fine in public. About 2 days later, I didn’t feel as great. But those 2 days showed me that I was, in fact, capable of healing.

Every day of zero Klonopin has felt better than every day of my taper, but it has been trying at times. I caught COVID in August 2021 (thank God I was vaccinated). Three people I work with caught the same strain. One was hospitalized, and another one passed away. My breathing was terrible through the end of last year, and the sleep issues returned, but I made it through.

In August, I switched to a gluten-free diet, and my itching and sleep issues improved dramatically. In January, I began limiting my carb intake to 20-30 mg per day, and I felt immensely better. I’ve lost a little weight, but nowhere near as much as I should have, having been on such a drastic diet for four+ months now. My extended Benzo belly is the last symptom that hasn’t gone away yet, although I am seeing some progress.

Something magical happened at 18 months off. My anxiety went away. My brain came back. I was able to speak eloquently again, without having to stop to search for words. My short-term memory improved dramatically. My depression lifted.

I just got back from a week-long vacation to Montana. I took my 74 year-old father with me, and we drove through Yellowstone National Park, from Montana to Idaho to Wyoming. Six months ago, I lamented the fact that I never saw myself getting on an airplane again. One of the great joys of my life has been traveling. I live to go places I’ve never been. From 10/2019 through 2/2022, I knew that that part of my life was over, due to the sudden onset of claustrophobia, and resulting fear of flying. The four flights I took last week (2 there, 2 back) were absolutely worry-free. My irrational fear disappeared as quickly as it came on.

I rented a 4WD to get around Yellowstone and Grand Teton, and the bill they emailed me when I turned it back in says I drove 890 miles. These were tough miles, up and down mountains, overlooking cliffs, and one day (Thursday) through a blizzard. No way I could have done that 6 months ago.

One thing I want to mention is that PTSD from the trauma we experience going through taper and withdrawal is REAL. I got very used to lying in my bed, and having people do things for me, not out of laziness, but because of fear and depression. Getting up and doing things is the best thing you can do. There are days when that will be impossible, and that is OK. But on a day when you’ve got even a little bit of energy, get up, and push yourself to do something, even if it’s just going to the mailbox.

I’m trying to keep my momentum going from my vacation. In Montana, it was second-nature to wake up early, get breakfast, hop in the car, and set off on the day’s adventure I had planned out the night before. I need to hit my humdrum, everyday life with the same energy now that I’m back at home. I lost 6.5 years to being on this crap, and 2.5 years to getting off of it. Enough is enough.

KEEP FIGHTING. WE DO HEAL.

Waves are temporary and windows are inevitable.

Much Love to all who are doing what they can to fight this beast. You are all my heros.

Thank you 😊 I have a long way to go....7 months in died a few times, and looking at 8 months to go. But each day is better, I went from 95 lbs to 120 today.