9 months

It has been almost 9 months since my last benzo. My best description of this point in recovery is having layers of feeling. On the surface, I still suffer. Sometimes it's not really a big deal at all. Sometimes, I can barely get out of bed in the morning. Underneath the surface, I generally feel 110% amazing. I never expected recovery to last this long. In the beginning I didn't know any better. Once I learned it can take 18 months or longer, I was in denial. The PAWS symptoms I have been left with are, for the most part, shocking.

The bad: Despite a few brief moments, I have been stuck with some form of dizziness for almost a year now. It is no where near as bad as it used to be and usually doesn't cause me too many issues other than being a minor annoyance. It continues to morph significantly from the early days. Dizziness has since stopped being my most annoying symptom. For a few months now at least, I have suffered from bouts of extreme exhaustion and fatigue. This usually correlates with some sort of air hunger symptom as well. It's pretty scary, because at times I will become briefly bedridden. Much like the rest of my PAWS symptoms, it turns on and off like a switch. The same goes for brain fog/cognitive disfunction. Lately I have had extreme bouts of this as well. It can get so bad that I am confused by simple things. It feels very much like what I would expect a brain injury to feel. My sensitivities seem to have gotten much worse. I also continue to get depressed during waves.

The good: My anxiety has really calmed down. This is also shocking after being stuck with it for so long. I am going out further and more often, worrying less, and I think I'm really starting to see progress with the agoraphobia I have been plagued with for a decade. At times, I have trouble actually provoking it in exposure therapy! I don't panic as much. I have less phobias in general. It's starting to look like my agoraphobia really was caused by benzos after all. Only time will tell.

I started having a lot of windows in month 8. In fact, since then most of my time has been windows. Unfortunately, my waves have become much stronger. The past two days have been awful, but I continue to hope for the future.

My thoughts are with you gtheo. I am just a little past 3 months and struggling. Sending positive vibes your way to your strength and hoping you continue to heal.

seeking