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Happy one year benzobirthday to me! (16 months updated)


[Ox...]

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I've posted in this section everytime I progressed a month, but today I celebrate ONE YEAR OFF!

 

I'm definitely doing better than a year ago, but I still get waves. They are much lighter though. Things that have improved are my anxiety, depression, dizzyness, maddening muscle cramps. My cramps were so bad that it was challenging to even walk. I felt unstable with every step. I'm still tapering my AD because it gives me side effects, but I'm doing it very slowly. No more CT's for me! I don't even think I will be tapering down to 0, but might keep a low dose and taper all the way down when I am further along in my healing.

 

I've also questioned how I got in this situation. I took my first benzo around 1999 after a weed addiction and after that, whenever I had sleeping problems my mum wasn't hesitant to give me benzo's from her own supply. I figured out she has a severe benzo-addiction. She says she only uses them once in a while but sometimes she admits she takes them every day. Along with a lot of other psych drugs. And she will never stop taking them saying she needs them.

 

I guess in 2012, when I had my first real crisis, I started already developing interdose withdrawal. I wasn't aware at the time. Switching to Mirtazapine made me get over my first CT. Then in 2015 I had sleeping problems again and recognised interdose withdrawal. Stopped CT and switched to Mirtazapine again. But I wasn't able to stop with the benzo. Took them for a month before I did a very quick taper, almost a CT. Tapered Mirtazapine too, but started sleeping very badly once I was done tapering. Doc gave me benzo's again. I was so benzo-clueless I didn't think this would be a bad idea. But Doc was clueless as well.

 

My most recent crisis was worse than before. And once I realised I was getting worse again, I found benzobuddies again. Did my third CT and switched to Mirtazapine for the third time. Holy cow! That was rough. Should have tapered, but I was not sure my doc would support that.

 

Now I have become more benzowise. I know now about kindling and will never take them again. This whole thing has made me prioritise my health above all else, above work, above people who don't support me and - most importantly - above my crazy dysfunctional family. I've been alone a lot and I cried a lot. But being alone beats feeling lonely with other people every time.. Getting sentimentel here.

 

A few days ago I saw a newsitem in my country (Netherlands) that benzo-addiction is on the rise. It's so sad people are still falling for it. I'm lucky to be able to read and write in english, but not everybody can do that in my country. Maybe that should be my goal for next year. Take al this information in english and make it available for a lot more people.

 

Anyway, I'm on my way to my second year benzofree. You can do it too!

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I know you're not quite there yet but you sound really great!  I love your attitude, your introspection and your empathy for those who will be facing what you're living through, good for you!  :smitten:
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Congratulations on 1 year free! I’m at 9 months free and it feels so good to be here! Many blessings for continued healing for you!  :)
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  • 4 weeks later...

Yesterday I was 13 months benzofree. I strongly feel every milestone is a reason to celebrate, but I'm still dealing with issues. Overall I'm doing so much better that a year ago, but I'm still dealing with issues. I saw someone write once 'my symptoms have morphed from mental to physical' and I guess it's the same for me now. At the time that seemed like a great deal, but now I know it's still annoying and keeping me from living my life. My remaining symptoms are:

 

- my heartrate goes up fast.

- I have balance issues.

- I have muscle cramps and tension.

- I am very sensitive to stimula.

 

I will enjoy a nice holiday the next few weeks and stopped my extremely slow taper of my AD (Mirtazapine) for this. I will decide wether to continue when I get back. I am not sure.

 

Grateful for the support on this forum!

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  • 1 month later...

I'm almost 15 months post and that's a good time to update. I think I am doing much better and I have turned a great corner yet again.

 

- heartrate stays more stable

- less balance issues

- less muscle cramps and tension

- less sensitive to stimula

 

I'm tapering my AD (Mirtazapine) and a few of the left over symptoms could be withdrawal, but could also be side effects. I'm down to 10 mg now and I feel much better. Today is the 8th day after my last cut, but I must say I can tolerate the withdrawal. 

 

I wish everybody continued healing!  :smitten:

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many congrats Ox - you’re doing so well. And great news that the muscle issues are easing up.

I was worried having covid had knocked me back re my hip issues - felt like going back to the start, but started physio exercises again, and though hard is feeling easier.

 

 

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Thanks PPY. Great news your issues are also getting better after Covid. I've had it three times, but it's no picnic!
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  • 1 month later...

I'm a little over 16 months free of benzo's. I'm doing well, probably 80% healed. I've stopped tapering my AD and going to ride it out as is for the moment. My symptoms:

 

- My heartrate seems to be more stable. I also have better stamina.

- Less muscle cramps and tension. I had two deep tissue massages which were very painful but did give me increased mobility after a few days.

- Less balance issues. Might be related to the massages as well, I had some muscle imbalances.

- I am less sensitive to stimula, but I still have to be careful. Had some sort of mini panic attack after a double espresso latte. I asked for decaf, but I'm pretty sure it was filled with caffeine. I felt jittery for hours after. I haven't had a real coffee for some time. Might be hard for everyone who is not used to it anymore. Also, I think my blood sugar was low too. And we are having some very hot weather here in Europe which doesn't help. Luckely, The effect wore off after a few hours.

 

One thing that has come along that has also added to my stress is I skipped my period. I was suspecting I am perimenopausal for a long time, and now I am getting more and more signs I definitely am. I am having night sweats like crazy. Had my period and felt very anxious on day two. Day three was better and today (day four) I feel pretty much normal again. If this kdoesn't get worse I can handle it.

 

I'm pretty sure 16 months, not even 1,5 years post, is pretty early and I am hoping I will get some more healing done when I am 2 years post and some more when I am 3 years post. We'll see.

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