I've posted in this section everytime I progressed a month, but today I celebrate ONE YEAR OFF!
I'm definitely doing better than a year ago, but I still get waves. They are much lighter though. Things that have improved are my anxiety, depression, dizzyness, maddening muscle cramps. My cramps were so bad that it was challenging to even walk. I felt unstable with every step. I'm still tapering my AD because it gives me side effects, but I'm doing it very slowly. No more CT's for me! I don't even think I will be tapering down to 0, but might keep a low dose and taper all the way down when I am further along in my healing.
I've also questioned how I got in this situation. I took my first benzo around 1999 after a weed addiction and after that, whenever I had sleeping problems my mum wasn't hesitant to give me benzo's from her own supply. I figured out she has a severe benzo-addiction. She says she only uses them once in a while but sometimes she admits she takes them every day. Along with a lot of other psych drugs. And she will never stop taking them saying she needs them.
I guess in 2012, when I had my first real crisis, I started already developing interdose withdrawal. I wasn't aware at the time. Switching to Mirtazapine made me get over my first CT. Then in 2015 I had sleeping problems again and recognised interdose withdrawal. Stopped CT and switched to Mirtazapine again. But I wasn't able to stop with the benzo. Took them for a month before I did a very quick taper, almost a CT. Tapered Mirtazapine too, but started sleeping very badly once I was done tapering. Doc gave me benzo's again. I was so benzo-clueless I didn't think this would be a bad idea. But Doc was clueless as well.
My most recent crisis was worse than before. And once I realised I was getting worse again, I found benzobuddies again. Did my third CT and switched to Mirtazapine for the third time. Holy cow! That was rough. Should have tapered, but I was not sure my doc would support that.
Now I have become more benzowise. I know now about kindling and will never take them again. This whole thing has made me prioritise my health above all else, above work, above people who don't support me and - most importantly - above my crazy dysfunctional family. I've been alone a lot and I cried a lot. But being alone beats feeling lonely with other people every time.. Getting sentimentel here.
A few days ago I saw a newsitem in my country (Netherlands) that benzo-addiction is on the rise. It's so sad people are still falling for it. I'm lucky to be able to read and write in english, but not everybody can do that in my country. Maybe that should be my goal for next year. Take al this information in english and make it available for a lot more people.
Anyway, I'm on my way to my second year benzofree. You can do it too!
