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I believed I would never heal...I was WRONG!


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Sushine!

 

You know how closely I have followed you.

Same drug.

Same amount of time on.

Same rapid taper.

 

You are two years and some ahead of me but our paths became different when I was severely setback from an AB. You were one of the first people I reached out to. I think I remember you telling me that your setback lasted about 2 weeks. I'm still in it a year later and wondering if I truly will be the one who is different, who will never heal. I have a difficult time finding anyone with my metabolic/endocrine type symptoms so I feel like the outlier even here.

 

I am so glad you are healed and living your life. All of the best to you!

 

Thank you so much for your reply. Of course everyone is different and for people with other medical issues as well it can complicate things somewhat. However there is a lot to be hopeful for, no matter what you are not stuck the way you are feeling now. Healing and recovery is always possible. Don’t believe your benzo brains lies that it won’t get any better. It gets a lot better.

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Glad I stopped in on the forum today & saw this.

 

Very happy for you Sunshine! Congrats! Thank you so much for sharing your lovely story of your great news and encouragement!  :smitten:

 

I know everyone's timeline is different, but we don't really hear from those who have healed sooner/faster because they have healed and left the forum.

 

With that being said, it looks like it takes a good time to heal .. like 2 years plus at least because that is why we are all on this forum. We are mostly all the cases that "take longer". It's mostly not 6 months and out. That's why we still look here to get and give support.

 

When I look at someone's timeline, and they are still struggling at even two years I am not surprised. I think: "Well, I've been there & I know how I felt then, and I know how far I have come since, and even though that person is surprised to still be sick at two years, I am not surprised. But, I do know they will improve as time passes because I have.

 

Do you feel that way when you look at the boards now Sunshine? When you see someone struggling at 2 years, or when one of us is shocked to get a wave three years out, do you think to yourself:  "I know it sucks, but I know they will get better, because I am at 5 years and I got better. I am living proof that life will be good again." Do you feel that way when you look at those on the forum who are at 2 or 3 years ?

 

When you said earlier in a reply on this string that even at 30 months, the next 18 months, up to even 4 years was still up & down. I can totally relate to that because that's where I am at right now. I'm just a month shy of 3 years & I think back to even over a year ago when I wrote somewhere on this forum that: "Withdrawal is meant to be survived and you move on". Now I think to myself about that comment I had made back then, & I need to tweak it a bit, "yeah, but it may take a few yearS .." lol.

 

The thing is that I got that quote from Micheal Priebe of the Lovely Grind. He's a pretty good withdrawal coach - very positive. But, even for him it took 3 or 4 years for him to get back to his normal life.

 

I can see it will be up & down for a while longer for me, but I am no longer all freaked out that I am "stuck like this forever." I had to gain some acceptance. There are weekS in a row that I will swear that withdrawal is over and I am completely healed, then I will still get either a symptom flare or maybe a wave every so many months. But, it's like a gradual climb up a large flight of steps. The waves are further apart, if I think about it, like a wave every 5 months. That's about two waves a year. Funny how I just realized in writing that just now, that the average of 2 waves a year isn't all that bad....Also, with each one they are less intense and I feel even more healed as I previously did when they pass.

 

I don't like to post this stuff much because Newbies can get scared when they read it can take this long, and because of their state of mind, when you try to explain that it's not acute or even close, the withdrawal brain gets stuck on that time frame.

 

The withdrawal brain sees "Oh no 2 years! 3 years, 5 years!" and it scares someone who is early on. I know it did for me. They don't understand how much it lessens this far out. Don't get me wrong, I can get a few hours of doubt still when I am in the throes of a bad wave, but I know to get out my "tool kit" and dig deep.

 

You start to learn that it will pass. You start to see the process more clearly as symptoms wane over time, and occur less frequently. Sunshine, is this how it was for you?

 

In your signature I see that you felt a level of stability and were working, and exercising at 4 years .. but you waited another 10 months to write a success story. I think I will be the same way. I would wait months to be sure before I would write a success story. It just takes that long to know for sure, because in withdrawal time is the real healer.

 

Anyway, it was quite timely that I read your thread. It helps to encourage me that yes, that whole "up & down", "almost there/not quite there yet" part of healing can last for awhile & that's ok. It is normal.

 

Hugs  :smitten:

- Fortitude

 

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Thank you so much for being generous and sharing your healing! It is a great joy for all to hear it.

I am 51 months old and like you at the beginning, I think that the cure is being cruel and that it never arrives. I continue with a lot of depersonalization about everything and great anxiety. the rest has been changing.

Long healing stories always give free encouragement. Enjoy life tremendously, hope to get there soon!❤️

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Oh Sunshine!!!  :smitten:

 

I am just so happy to find your Success Story finally here on the boards! Waw!!! I know it has been a long grueling journey for you, I remember we exchanged some messages especially back in the early days when things were looking so bleak for both of us. So to find you finally reaching daylight again, finally rid of those horrible doubts over healing, it is just so wonderful!

 

I'm not there yet, really not there at all, I'm afraid. I haven't healed much, to tell you the truth, and still feel stuck in post-acute at nearly 5 years out. I'm just gritting my teeth and trying not to think too much. One day at a time, still surviving, I guess. Your success story fills my heart with joy for you, as much joy as I can feel in the state that I'm still in. Thank you so much for sharing, dear Sunshine, and by the way, what a fitting screen name you had chosen for yourself back then! All good things do come in due time... Very Happy Healing to you, Sunshine, enjoy every second of your newfound wellness and happiness. You deserve it big time!!!

 

Warm hugs,

Julz  :smitten:

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Oh Sunshine!!!  :smitten:

 

I am just so happy to find your Success Story finally here on the boards! Waw!!! I know it has been a long grueling journey for you, I remember we exchanged some messages especially back in the early days when things were looking so bleak for both of us. So to find you finally reaching daylight again, finally rid of those horrible doubts over healing, it is just so wonderful!

 

I'm not there yet, really not there at all, I'm afraid. I haven't healed much, to tell you the truth, and still feel stuck in post-acute at nearly 5 years out. I'm just gritting my teeth and trying not to think too much. One day at a time, still surviving, I guess. Your success story fills my heart with joy for you, as much joy as I can feel in the state that I'm still in. Thank you so much for sharing, dear Sunshine, and by the way, what a fitting screen name you had chosen for yourself back then! All good things do come in due time... Very Happy Healing to you, Sunshine, enjoy every second of your newfound wellness and happiness. You deserve it big time!!!

 

Warm hugs,

Julz  :smitten:

 

Thank you Julz so much for your reply,

I too remember exchanging messages with you earlier on. Everyone’s recovery and timeline is unique so don’t be discouraged if someone else is getting to the finish line a little faster. Our nervous systems are continuously repairing the damage these horrible drugs have done, it will do it’s job in time. Hope is so very important and there’s is plenty to be hopeful for.

:smitten:

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Don’t know if you still dip in sunshine. After 39 long months finally seeing a bit of improvement, very slow but better than I was. The side effects from Covid thankfully eased.  Wondering whether I should push myself or just take things slow.? I see you said progress was really slow for you when you started to improve. Never have a complete window as such but am getting more hope that I will come out of this. Just frustrated progress is so slow. I can’t believe only having a tiny dose a few times a week can cause years of suffering. So many times believed I was mentally ill.
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Wow, this is like my own experience.

Xanax for sleep after being prescribed it previously for dentist work. Then 10 years of panic attacks, night sweating , ibs  paranoia that ibnoe know was multuple cold turkeys as i never put the pills and wuthdrawal symptoms together. All the tests and brain scans showed nothing. Told doctor i was gonna stop taking pillsand he said just stop but take a week of valium. Then the hell ensued. Anyway 6 years nearly over. Im prob 90%. Racing heart and palpitations stay with me. Maybe one day they will go away.

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Sunshine I’m so happy for you! Wow I needed to hear this today. After feeling better for a week I’m now back to feeling like all I want to do is lay down. I know this is temporary as you said….I can at least still push through it as before I couldn’t. I just wanted to say I appreciate the encouragement. Live your best life dear!

🌹🤗

Congrats! Warrior!

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Sunshine I’m so happy for you! Wow I needed to hear this today. After feeling better for a week I’m now back to feeling like all I want to do is lay down. I know this is temporary as you said….I can at least still push through it as before I couldn’t. I just wanted to say I appreciate the encouragement. Live your best life dear!

🌹🤗

Congrats! Warrior!

 

Thanks for your reply. I see you are at 22 months off and I have to say the fatigue was brutal for me at that period. I needed a week of rest to recover from a short shopping trip. This is not in any way an indicator of things to come. While the healing is slow it is real and it is happening, and it gets so much better.

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what a fantastic testimony of resilience and fortitude. Thanks for coming back to encourage others. Posts like this got me through the scariest moments.
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Sunshine I’m so happy for you! Wow I needed to hear this today. After feeling better for a week I’m now back to feeling like all I want to do is lay down. I know this is temporary as you said….I can at least still push through it as before I couldn’t. I just wanted to say I appreciate the encouragement. Live your best life dear!

🌹🤗

Congrats! Warrior!

 

Thanks for your reply. I see you are at 22 months off and I have to say the fatigue was brutal for me at that period. I needed a week of rest to recover from a short shopping trip. This is not in any way an indicator of things to come. While the healing is slow it is real and it is happening, and it gets so much better.

Yes I’m definitely fatigued as I’m pushing myself to do things. And yes it takes me a few days to bounce back. Everything normal that I do, I pay for it. Even the smallest thing like taking a very short walk. So thank you for letting me know as well as the encouragement. Big hugs! 🤗❤️🌹

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  • 4 weeks later...

Wow, this is like my own experience.

Xanax for sleep after being prescribed it previously for dentist work. Then 10 years of panic attacks, night sweating , ibs  paranoia that ibnoe know was multuple cold turkeys as i never put the pills and wuthdrawal symptoms together. All the tests and brain scans showed nothing. Told doctor i was gonna stop taking pillsand he said just stop but take a week of valium. Then the hell ensued. Anyway 6 years nearly over. Im prob 90%. Racing heart and palpitations stay with me. Maybe one day they will go away.

 

What do they teach these doctors in medical school???? I mean a weeks worth of Valium is supposed to carry you through the withdrawals? I think not. More education is needed about this illness.

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  • 1 month later...
That's Incredible!! congratulations on your recovery. nothing but beautiful days ahead :) can't wait to join you guys through the finish line :D
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  • 3 months later...

That's Incredible!! congratulations on your recovery. nothing but beautiful days ahead :) can't wait to join you guys through the finish line :D

Thank you so much for your reply. I’m now 5 years and 5 months off and just randomly popped back on here. I don’t log on much these days because I’m out living my life. I can safely say I have zero remaining symptoms, even background tinnitus is gone, even sensitivity to alcohol is gone. I feel exactly the same, in fact even better, than I did before this mess began. I thought I would be disabled with symptoms for life but gradually my brain healed itself. It took soo long, so if your at 3+ years and still get symptoms, I was there too, but I still healed COMPLETELY. Never give up hope

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That's Incredible!! congratulations on your recovery. nothing but beautiful days ahead :) can't wait to join you guys through the finish line :D

Thank you so much for your reply. I’m now 5 years and 5 months off and just randomly popped back on here. I don’t log on much these days because I’m out living my life. I can safely say I have zero remaining symptoms, even background tinnitus is gone, even sensitivity to alcohol is gone. I feel exactly the same, in fact even better, than I did before this mess began. I thought I would be disabled with symptoms for life but gradually my brain healed itself. It took soo long, so if your at 3+ years and still get symptoms, I was there too, but I still healed COMPLETELY. Never give up hope

 

At which month would you say you were 100 % healed without symptoms ?

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I think it took me till 5 years out to really feel 100% better. Tinnitus was the main symptom which stayed for the longest time. Fatigue left me at around 4 years out and a lot of the other symptoms started dropping off after 2.5 years. After 4 years I was feeling pretty good but occasionally would have mild setbacks. Now I’m completely back to normal
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I think it took me till 5 years out to really feel 100% better. Tinnitus was the main symptom which stayed for the longest time. Fatigue left me at around 4 years out and a lot of the other symptoms started dropping off after 2.5 years. After 4 years I was feeling pretty good but occasionally would have mild setbacks. Now I’m completely back to normal

 

Thank you. You give me hope.

 

1. At which month did your windows and waves start ?

 

2. Which symptoms except tinnitus did you have from month 48 - 60 ?

 

3. Do you mean with setbacks, windows and waves ?

 

 

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I think it took me till 5 years out to really feel 100% better. Tinnitus was the main symptom which stayed for the longest time. Fatigue left me at around 4 years out and a lot of the other symptoms started dropping off after 2.5 years. After 4 years I was feeling pretty good but occasionally would have mild setbacks. Now I’m completely back to normal

 

Thank you. You give me hope.

 

1. At which month did your windows and waves start ?

 

2. Which symptoms except tinnitus did you have from month 48 - 60 ?

 

3. Do you mean with setbacks, windows and waves ?

I’m glad the post gives you hope because you have a lot to be hopeful for. It’s a beautiful feeling when you get your life back, you just appreciate everything so much more.

1. I don’t remember exactly when my windows started. I think I got very brief mini windows in second year where I felt somewhat more normal although not completely symptom free, but they only lasted a few hours or so and were extremely rare. After 2.5 years off I started getting real windows where I felt quite a bit better.

2. Tinnitus was the only symptom I got after 4 years on a regular basis. Although if I was stressed, sleep deprived or had something with alcohol in it I sometimes would have a few symptoms like fatigue, weakness, slight dizziness for a few days. I guess i just still couldn’t handle stress well without mild symptoms returning

3. By setback I mean a return of some of my old benzo withdrawal symptoms, usually only temporarily and with less intensity

 

Edit: Fixed quote

 

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I think it took me till 5 years out to really feel 100% better. Tinnitus was the main symptom which stayed for the longest time. Fatigue left me at around 4 years out and a lot of the other symptoms started dropping off after 2.5 years. After 4 years I was feeling pretty good but occasionally would have mild setbacks. Now I’m completely back to normal

 

Thank you. You give me hope.

 

1. At which month did your windows and waves start ?

 

2. Which symptoms except tinnitus did you have from month 48 - 60 ?

 

3. Do you mean with setbacks, windows and waves ?

 

I’m glad the post gives you hope because you have a lot to be hopeful for. It’s a beautiful feeling when you get your life back, you just appreciate everything so much more.

1. I don’t remember exactly when my windows started. I think I got very brief mini windows in second year where I felt somewhat more normal although not completely symptom free, but they only lasted a few hours or so and were extremely rare. After 2.5 years off I started getting real windows where I felt quite a bit better.

2. Tinnitus was the only symptom I got after 4 years on a regular basis. Although if I was stressed, sleep deprived or had something with alcohol in it I sometimes would have a few symptoms like fatigue, weakness, slight dizziness for a few days. I guess i just still couldn’t handle stress well without mild symptoms returning

3. By setback I mean a return of some of my old benzo withdrawal symptoms, usually only temporarily and with less intensity

 

Thanks for you answer. I am always happy when I find a success story that is longer than my current "number".

 

When you gave me this answer, you marked / quoted incorrectly. So the answer does not appear clearly on this page.

 

I'm 25, male. I am at month 35. I had reduction in symptoms at month 4, 6, 18 and 32.

 

I have been unemployed most of the time due to PAWS and even after the last reduction I still do not want to work.

 

My current symptoms are: social anxiety, anhedonia, brain fog, fatigue, low energy, low motivation, low libido, no morning wood, weak bladder and urine stream.

 

I used to have worse symptoms like DPDR, paranoia, panic attacks, deep depression and severe anxiety.

 

Stress, little or bad sleep, too much sugar and some social situations, worsen my symptoms. So I avoid them as good as I can.

 

Fatigue, anhedonia and brain fog are my most annoying symptoms.

 

PS: I read all of your posts today. What do you think ? At which month do most heal 100% ?

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I honestly don’t know which month most people heal. Most people aren’t protracted for starters. I once read this study which had the percentage of people healed at certain months off. 6 months was about 40%, 18 months was about 60-70%, 3 years was 95%. I don’t know how accurate this is to be honest, but I’m pretty sure I’m in a minority
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On 16/11/2022 at 20:25, [[S...] said:

I honestly don’t know which month most people heal. Most people aren’t protracted for starters. I once read this study which had the percentage of people healed at certain months off. 6 months was about 40%, 18 months was about 60-70%, 3 years was 95%. I don’t know how accurate this is to be honest, but I’m pretty sure I’m in a minority

 

This is currently written on your profile:

 

"Xanax 1mg for 8 months for insomnia.

Switched to Valium for 2 month taper. Jumped 17th June 2017.

M1-3:Horrific withdrawals, Hallucinations, extreme panic/anxiety, deep depression, DP/DR, blurred vision, heart palpatations, nausea, confusion, fatigue, flu-like feeling, not functional at this time.

M4-M6: Bad acute-like waves.

M7-12: Slight improvement but had killer wave at 10 months off

M13-18: Fatigue nearly destroying me, spent most time on couch or bed

M19-24: very slight improvement, but anxiety and tinnitus still there

M25-30: Fatigue lifting a little, muscle pain horrible though, not much improvement

M30-36: Major healing, started having long windows

M37-48: Much better, working+exercising normally. Occasional flare ups"

 

--- >

 

Could you possibly update that ?

 

 

 

 

 

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  • 1 month later...
I am so sorry you went through this. I am glad it is over, and you are back to living a full life. Your experience gave me hope tonight. Thank you for sharing it. I would love to read any other updates you post. How are you doing?
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Hi Sunshine1602,

 

thank you so much for your story! As I was reading it, it felt like I was the one who had written it. It helped me feel less alone in this awful journey that I'm going through. I just started month 22 post jump and I feel so stuck in my pain, the internal tremors just won't go away. Your story of perseverance has given me strength.

Thank you and I hope I can come back soon and tell you that I also survived this.

 

Happy New Year!

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  • 1 month later...

I think it took me till 5 years out to really feel 100% better. Tinnitus was the main symptom which stayed for the longest time. Fatigue left me at around 4 years out and a lot of the other symptoms started dropping off after 2.5 years. After 4 years I was feeling pretty good but occasionally would have mild setbacks. Now I’m completely back to normal

 

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

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