Author Topic: WR's hopeful farewell  (Read 2627 times)

[Buddie]

WR's hopeful farewell
« on: April 07, 2022, 07:17:58 pm »
Trigger warning: My recovery story includes seizures. Please donít let it scare you. I had them as a child, which makes me susceptible. They are extremely rare for those who taper. And if youíre tapering, or reading this early into your recovery, please know that severely protracted cases are not the norm. I once asked my neurologist, who had been practicing for 30 years, if he had ever encountered a case like mine, and he hadnít.

And on that noteÖ

Iím here to let you know getting free of these drugs is possible, even at high doses, after years of use. And for many of us, "withdrawal symptoms" are so unbearable that living with them indefinitely isnít an option. The people who recover and share their stories of hope, ensuring us that ďtime will healĒ, is what keeps us alive.

So here I am, almost six years later, after an excruciating 16-month taper, to reassure you that TIME IS TRULY THE HEALER! I even had multiple seizures during acute waves the first 4.5 years off, and was forced to take seizure meds, and STILL my wonderful brain is able to heal.

Like so many of you, I was sick from Klonopin for over a decade before attempting to taper off. When I asked for help, I was just misdiagnosed with various disorders and ailments, and prescribed additional meds (sleeping pills, SSRIs, on and on) to treat symptoms of tolerance withdrawal. All of them only added to my suffering, and were also painful to discontinue, but nothing like the horror of benzo withdrawal/injury. After I took my first 10% cut, even though my world as I knew it fell apart, there was no turning back. I knew the only chance I had at a happy life was getting off these meds, and giving myself time to recover.

Of course many people arenít privileged enough to take a multi-year healing break from their lives, and donít have family, friends, and doctors to support them in a slow taper and long recovery. I couldn't have managed this if I had children to care for, or was forced to work, or didn't have the support of my husband day after day, rooting me on, making sure I was safe, and had all I needed to cope and recover.

I know itís almost impossible to stay hopeful when youíre being tortured and traumatized by your own nervous system. I understand the daily risk calculations you have to make, deciding if doing Y is worth X days or weeks suffering that may follow. The pain of being blamed for your symptoms, or told that itís all in your head, or that somehow youíre invested in being ill. The loss of friends, family, career, financial stability, on and on. Our hair falls out, our bodies bloat, our eyes blur, our skin burns, we feel like we drank a gallon of poison, we lose our memory, and are tormented by looping intrusive thoughts, and gnawing feelings of shame, regret, fear, and grief.  We exist in a dissociated trauma state, disconnected from ourselves, and those we love. The symptoms are endless, terrifying, painful, frustrating. I canít believe some of the things I managed to do while in this state. But we learn to accept, and endure, year after year.

And like many of us, I tried everything to help my poor brain heal, no matter how scared or sick or dizzy or sleep deprived or hopeless I was feeling. I did my best to ďsuffer with dignity and graceĒ, and do what I could to keep my body healthy, and my life and relationships kinda/sorta intact. I had terrible acute-like waves up until the end, but always emerged from them with a little higher baseline, noticing I was able to do a bit more - sit up at my desk, talk on the phone with a friend with ease, sleep through the night, get groceries on my own, compose an email, remember a recipe, or handle a stressful event without taking a nosedive.   

Iím not symptom-free yet, but slowly life has started to fill up with more than surviving and coping. Iím now (finally) ready to return to work, and even joined an Afro-Brazilian drumming group last month. Yes, thatís right - my nervous system can now handle learning a new instrument, memorizing complicated songs, banging away on drums, and dancing for hours! And wow, getting back to work after a 7-year leave is not going to be easy, but Iím just so grateful that Iím finally able to.

Please never give up. Keep plugging away day after day, year after year, because eventually the torment will end. And please know what others have said is true - all these years of suffering are not wasted, because youíll emerge from this a better version of yourself. I learned acceptance, gratitude, and how to be kind to myself. I forgave those who have harmed me in the past, let go of grudges, insecurities and hangups. Gifts continue to be revealed as healing time passes.

Itís crazy, but we were given these drugs for anxiety and it took coming off them to actually become fearless. My deep gratitude to everyone on this site who helped me get to the other side.

Love and solidarity,
[...]
« Last Edit: April 26, 2022, 05:02:18 pm by [Buddie] »
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: WR's hopeful farewell
« Reply #1 on: April 07, 2022, 08:02:50 pm »
Thank you so much for posting this, [...].  What a lovely message of endurance and hope.  I love that you are drumming now; it's indicative of not only a system that has healed but also a symbol of the vibration of life.  So very powerful.  I pray your remaining symptoms continue to lift until they are no more. 

Best wishes,

[...]
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: WR's hopeful farewell
« Reply #2 on: April 07, 2022, 08:18:55 pm »
Thank you for posting this. I really needed to hear it. Congratulations on your healing and I hope it just keeps getting better for you.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: WR's hopeful farewell
« Reply #3 on: April 07, 2022, 10:42:20 pm »
[...] Waverider,

What a very honest and helpful story you share! Thank you so much.  I am happy for you that you are so much improved.  I know the things you are saying are true and I'm grateful you took the time to lift us all up. 

Enjoy your life! You've so earned it.

Helen
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: WR's hopeful farewell
« Reply #4 on: April 08, 2022, 12:46:14 am »
can relate  disturbing toughts, feeelings of grief and dread remembering how oneday i felt good waking up without any drug in my system and that went from fine and funcional to severe mental pain ...

Q:  do you still deal with Hypersensitivity to other substances?

 congrats on your efforts, Thanks for sharing
« Last Edit: April 08, 2022, 03:11:11 am by [Buddie] »
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: WR's hopeful farewell
« Reply #5 on: April 08, 2022, 12:52:36 am »
Please tell me that your waves have stopped hitting..? If not how long does waves last?
You have mentioned you're not yet symptom free, but is it just annoying now or it still torments you?
Are you feeling happy like normally you did pre benzos?
Can you handle stress effectively?
Do you believe you would continue to heal?
And the hardest one - what percentage of healing would you rate yourself?

I'm sorry but when I read a suceess story I just want all my doubts get cleared before I celebrate. And especially with you as since I joined BB I have been following your posts as u were the only one who kindled positivity amidst all the hopeless posts.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: WR's hopeful farewell
« Reply #6 on: April 08, 2022, 02:17:38 am »
I am so fucking happy for you and grateful that you've shared this with us. So much of your story resonates despite my journey being easier. You are so right that going through this forces us to become more resilient and compassionate. I wish you all the happiness and healing.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: WR's hopeful farewell
« Reply #7 on: April 08, 2022, 03:09:32 am »
Thank you [...] for posting your success story.  It means so much to me and the rest of those still in the trenches.  Iím over 8 months off and itís still so very very hard.  This was an encouragement today. I wish you the very best in the rest of your life!!! Well done!!!
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: WR's hopeful farewell
« Reply #8 on: April 08, 2022, 05:34:03 am »
I am anxiously waiting for your reply checking your post several times.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: WR's hopeful farewell
« Reply #9 on: April 08, 2022, 05:42:42 am »
Yeah! Glad you made it to the other side! Thanks for the great message. :)
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.