It’s only been 4 months, and I can’t say for sure that I’m healed, but what I can say is that I never thought that 4 months was possible. I thought death was inevitable and that I was just waiting around for a slow, agonizing ending. It took every bit of willpower I could muster, just to get up to use the restroom most days and it wasn’t without a terrible panic attack every time. I’d hold it until my bladder felt like it would burst if I didn’t go. I wasn’t eating, I was losing weight incredibly fast. My clothes didn’t fit me anymore. It felt like my head was going to explode, my jaw was so sore from tensing it. I had violent pains in my stomach, through to my back and I thought a million different things were wrong with me. The intrusive thoughts were so bad some days that I had to listen to music, watch YouTube, and have my tv on just to try and drown out some of the noise. I cried, I begged God for relief in whatever form He’d give it to me, even if that meant dying. I felt the worst depression I’ve ever felt in my entire life. Nothing felt happy. Nothing felt good. Nothing felt hopeful. I thought I would be bed bound for the rest of my life, and this was just my new normal.
I’ve seen it more than dozens of times on this forum, people saying how hopeless they feel, worried that this will never end. I’m lucky in that I wasn’t on the Benzos for many years and that my healing took a lot less time than many others, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t an intense experience. It felt like forever. I felt damned to a life of trying to heal, but being stuck and miserable and destroyed. That wasn’t the case, however. There’s more to my story and I’m not giving up any time soon. It’s incredibly difficult most days to still pull myself out, but I’m doing it. I’m healing a little bit more every day. That’s the important thing to keep in the back of your mind. Don’t give up, don’t give in. It WILL end. It WILL get better. It’s hard, yes, but it’s possible.
This community is amazing, and you guys have some of the most wonderful resources available to you. Use that. Keep chugging along even when it feels hopeless and final. It’s not. Tell yourself there’s hope. Tell yourself a hundred times a day, if you must. Please don’t give up. If you ever need a shoulder to cry on, or just someone to talk to for reassurance, or to instill a little hope in you, or just to brighten your day, I’m here. Reach out to me, my messages are always open.
