I’m 3 years off of Clonazepam today (2/22/22) and I don’t want to waste space with details of my taper and withdrawal but I will be happy to answer questions regarding both. BenzoBuddies was the light that saved my life one night while searching the internet for the cause of my crazy symptoms. I am one of the many that had never considered the medication to be at the root of all that was happening in my mind and body, so finding a community of people who were having similar experiences, and then having access to the information from those who had recovered/were recovering is what kept me in this world. The experience was still horrific but I no longer felt alone as I finally knew what was going on. I posted mainly on the “Under .125 Klonopin Club” thread where I found great support.
What this did to my brain and body is maddening. But the hardest part for me during the taper and the acute stage was the emotional impact of feeling like there was no one fighting for me. No one advocating for me. That I was the one having to discern how to proceed. That I was the one, the one with the broken brain, having to make all the decisions about how to help me. I knew my “illness” made others uncomfortable because they didn’t know how to help. I had to counsel others on how to respond to me being in pain. This caused a lot of anger and deep sadness that I have since worked through, but it was my experience and my lesson.
But you know what, I did it. And I am 1000 times mentally/emotionally stronger and more capable of living in this world now. I can’t imagine NOT having had this experience. Without it, I’d probably still be unhappy and involved in a cycle of busy-ness. I was FORCED to slow down by things outside of my control. I was taken out of the BUSY-ness of life, the outward achievement that serves as some type of status symbol and sense of purpose for so many. I had to face the uncertainty and the loneliness and isolation that comes with not being well, from feeling abandoned and discarded because you can’t keep up with the rest of society. I was forced to deal with the reality of having lived a previously active "successful" life and then have it all taken away. I was forced to go deeply within because there was no place else to go! And I found so much inside.
The biggest game-changers for me started at 2 years off. There was healing happening all along but it was the first time I noticed such rapid progress. I started Neurofeedback at this time and it was amazing for me. I don't know if it would have had a similar impact earlier in the process, not sure if my system would have been too sensitive to handle it, but at 2 years off my brain was healed enough in order to benefit from this type of treatment. The initial assessment showed that all areas of my brain were suppressed similar to a chemo patient or someone who hadn’t recovered from anesthesia. My brain waves were not balanced and seemed to be stuck in a high-beta state (fight or flight) and I have learned that when the brain is stuck in fight or flight, all kinds of inflammatory response are activated in the body as the brain prepares for physical injury. Having someone validate what had happened in my brain, along with being able to see it changing throughout the treatments and then actually noticing the improvements in my daily life was powerful! After 4 months of treatment, we balanced the brain waves and got all areas of the brain unsuppressed and my system definitely calmed down.
The other big game changer was finding an excellent trauma therapist to help me deal with the medical injury as well as how to live in this world with the resulting chronic illness. I am so well versed in the nervous system now and can immediately notice when it’s dysregulated and can then find way to calm it. In doing this work, my emotional triggers have lessened allowing the body to continue to heal without the added stress. This mind-body work has become so fascinating to me that I want to become some type of somatic therapist who addresses the mind, body and spirit to facilitate healing.
Despite the fact that I am not 100% physically recovered, I am so much better and am able to function at a level with which I’m comfortable. I have never felt as happy or as free as I do now. Please hold on and keep fighting for yourself. It gets better!!! I spent months/years on the couch so sometimes that fighting looks like you’re not taking action, but when the nervous system needs as little stimuli as possible, resting is indeed the best action to take. What I know to be true from this experience is that there are people who can help. They might not be the people who are currently in your life and you might not find them when you think you need them most, but there are people out there who are compassionate and who will believe you and who can make a difference. When you can’t do anything else, breathe in and breathe out. And then do it again. If you can handle it, sit in the sun, it is so healing. Let nature heal you. Hold on. Forgive yourself and others. Cry. Feel all your emotions and release them. Move your body if you can. Grieve your former self and celebrate the [...] you are. I understand the suffering and I love you all and am rooting for you from the depths of my soul!
