Author Topic: Healed  (Read 3477 times)

[Buddie]

Healed
« on: February 16, 2022, 09:23:05 am »
This is [...].

I live in France. Very few of you know or remember who I am. I was active on Benzobuddies from June 15, 2015 until late February 2016. A certain topic I started at the time http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=150741.0, to which I have not digested the answers, finally took me away from the forum in a sudden way.

On the dawn of my healing, I feel like testifying about this resurrection. I owe it to all those of you still suffering.

I took Oxazepam (Seresta) from April 2014 to December 2015, including withdrawal from October 2014 to December 2015 http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=148073.msg1991090#msg1991090. Daily hell from start to end, with an improvement in the end of 2018. 3 full years post-taper ! It is somewhat difficult to look back and give an objective or even relatively consistent vision of this chaos…

The first thing I wish to remind you all is that, against all appearance, there doest exist a healing process within this mess. It does not give much hints about it and much of what we are enduring is evil. Everything seems to indicate that it will just never stop. Yet, this torture is the peculiar form our central nervous system has chosen in order to heal itself. I see it as a fundamental point because we have to hold in complete fog before to reach the stage where signs of improvements, very feeble at first, interspersed with setbacks, finally appear. I also know that our thoughts are sometimes so twisted and that nothing - even what I am writing here – is able to reassure or convince us. The taste of all this is very bitter and terribly discouraging. One is even able to believe that everyone is lying to us and that suffering and death are our sole horizons. Still, I can tell you that when things finally calm down, we begin to be able to see how it all works. We start to analyze symptoms differently. We see how an insane pressure on the central nervous system (making it impossible to handle stress) is responsible for all side symptoms : physical pain, tears, despair, anxiety, etc. Gradually we begin to witness healing (although setbacks still occur for a while).

The second point I would like to share is the awareness that whatever the intensity of symptoms, they would not kill me. This morbid sensation (agony, impression of dying), is nothing but mental unrest, nothing valuable to lean upon. Even during days of great terror, with the belief I was reaching a breaking point, all of it was nothing but pure jive. Questionning our thoughts and belief in the midst of hell is a crucial element. You’ll still have them, but another part of you will be able or find a glimpse of courage to assert : "Ok, I do not believe in all that. I will make it !".

Another equally important point is related to the use of forums and testimonies from suffering people. Leaving the forum, which had become somewhat of an addiction, finally served me. I could no longer stand trembling at the reading of neverending pains and the seemingly everlasting time of post-taper. I can advise you to limit as much as possible your exposition to those readings. If it is indeed very important to write or talk about it, it is not very useful to read about it. See what I mean ? It is true this ordeal is much too long for everyone, but it is equally true that we do not share the same fate. Your path may be much smoother than mine or that of others. Our mental weakness makes us identifiy too much to the worse. The conclusion of this is obvious. I can not stress enough how this position regarding readings and forum is an important recommendation to me.
We are all desperate for relief. Yet it will not come from drugs and not even from natural medicines. I tried it all, even for over a year into post-taper, and I dropped everything ! It just does not work, sometimes makes it more complicated. Psychologically, to stop looking at yourself as a patient in need of a  drug is a crucial step. Yes, it is so hard to be in a compelling need for relief and not find it at all. Yet, it is possible to hold on, even on long stretch of time, using any coping strategy available, living one second at a time. That will even make you stronger in the end (this is no common place). How many days did I tell myself « I won’t make it another day ! »).  I made it. I am no more a hero than you are (we actually all are heroes in this situation). I survived, you can do it. Believe me, if you please.

The partial or total disability we suffer is tremendous, unbelieveable at times. It was sometimes just hard to aknowledge that such symptoms could even exist, that I could be a victim of it, and that we could survive it or be left without terrible sequels. However, when the body begins to find its landmarks back, there is actually nothing left or in the worst case really not much.

My great helpers: keep a daily diary, live my spirituality at all costs (almost impossible at times the first two years and then gradually possible), remember that we must hold on even when we no longer believe it (this chaos is also a life, even when it seems insane), avoid conflicts or stress as much as possible and when they do happen, cash in the best and wait for better days. Also contact with nature brings some freshness.

What a joy to end up with the impression of having been improved through this chaos ! It took three years for me, with some lingering depression afterwards. A life back anyway ! Do not draw any conclusion for yourself.

Just remember IT WILL COME TO AN END.

[...]
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Healed
« Reply #1 on: February 16, 2022, 12:52:58 pm »
Wonderful advice, [...]!  Thank you so much for coming back to share your heroic story. Je vous adresse mes plus vifs remerciements :smitten: :smitten:!!
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Healed
« Reply #2 on: February 16, 2022, 04:03:40 pm »
Thanks [...]...

In the thick of my WD I took a nice 6 month break from this site and did a lot of healing.  I can't say that taking the break was the cause of my healing, it was more than likely coincidence?  At any rate, I had a terrible issue with making other people's healing and recovery story my own and it was usually the worst case stories.  Hence, my break from BB. 

Congrats on your healing and thank you for writing a success story...it gives those still struggling hope!
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Healed
« Reply #3 on: February 16, 2022, 04:53:05 pm »
thank you very much for the words, sharing your efforts, as you said, many times we end up believing that we will not be able to make it one more day and the suffering can only be described as evil... thanks for providing hope, take good care
« Last Edit: February 17, 2022, 03:23:46 pm by [Buddie] »
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Healed
« Reply #4 on: February 17, 2022, 04:22:26 am »


The second point I would like to share is the awareness that whatever the intensity of symptoms, they would not kill me. This morbid sensation (agony, impression of dying), is nothing but mental unrest, nothing valuable to lean upon. Even during days of great terror, with the belief I was reaching a breaking point, all of it was nothing but pure jive. Questioning our thoughts and belief in the midst of hell is a crucial element. You’ll still have them, but another part of you will be able or find a glimpse of courage to assert : "Ok, I do not believe in all that. I will make it !".


Beautiful writing. So many gems in here. This is one of my favorites. Thanks for sharing your words and experience with us.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Healed
« Reply #5 on: February 17, 2022, 05:46:25 am »
Did the lingering depression end?
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Healed
« Reply #6 on: February 17, 2022, 10:00:24 am »
This was beautifully written, thank you so much for coming back to share your story!
May you enjoy your rebirth and the other side. You made it!
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Healed
« Reply #7 on: February 17, 2022, 06:37:26 pm »
Did the lingering depression end?

It lasted until July 2021 and vanished ever since (it's been 8 months with no tears etc.). I still have a few physical sensations, like occasional spasms (left arm/hand). Yet I live my life fully now.
My best wishes for your life too,
[...]
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Healed
« Reply #8 on: February 17, 2022, 06:40:15 pm »


The second point I would like to share is the awareness that whatever the intensity of symptoms, they would not kill me. This morbid sensation (agony, impression of dying), is nothing but mental unrest, nothing valuable to lean upon. Even during days of great terror, with the belief I was reaching a breaking point, all of it was nothing but pure jive. Questioning our thoughts and belief in the midst of hell is a crucial element. You’ll still have them, but another part of you will be able or find a glimpse of courage to assert : "Ok, I do not believe in all that. I will make it !".


Beautiful writing. So many gems in here. This is one of my favorites. Thanks for sharing your words and experience with us.

Many thanks. English is not my first language and I'm glad it does not sound like pure gibberish to you.  :)
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Healed
« Reply #9 on: February 17, 2022, 09:31:11 pm »
Thank you [...] for coming back and sharing this and giving us hope.  Question:  have you been so brave to try alcohol/glass of wine occasionally?  I have heard so many mixed posts on this topic and I am hopeful that once fully recovered, I can enjoy a glass of wine with friends? 
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.