Jump to content

Chemical Fear


[An...]

Recommended Posts

Hi I am in an anxiety nightmare at the moment so I am going to type all my mind here in hopes that someone might be able to help me understand and remedy my situation. Might be lengthy

 

I began my experience with benzos because of an anxiety issue. Anxiety was something that was situational and social for me. It was at times a little disruptive to my life so I talked to my family doctor and began taking Ativan. The medication worked like a miracle for me, but through a series of events I decided that I would taper off of the meds.

 

As I went through the gradual process of reducing the Ativan; I observed that the medication was no longer at a level that was therapeutic for my anxiety. Nevertheless through commitment to better myself and overcome my anxiety I was able to manage it. I did begin begin taking the beta-blocker Propranolol to help cover the physical symptoms because I sweat heavily when I experience anxiety. Because I had this period where I was doing OK, it seems to indicate that I probably could do well after this WD. 

 

Everything changed for me after deciding to C/T tho. My new baseline has become a nonstop anxiety that does not go away with any amount of time or effort. I have tried vigorously exercising, walking 2-3 miles a day, brain training games, distractions, relaxation techniques, breathing techniques and all sorts of mental gymnastics. I have read to exhaustion about the CNS along with the abundance of literature available about benzodiazepine WD’s, but no amount of rationale seems to have a positive effect because my mind is just so hyper vigilant.

 

I have had to stop everything for now and I feel like I am loosing ground as a result. I put so much effort into exposing myself to social situations and getting out of the house, but my symptoms have become overwhelming to the extent that I feel shame for my demeanor. I just can’t do anything. I find it difficult to keep composure and talk because inwardly my system is drag racing. And now that I have resigned my job, quit attending church and martial arts this experience has become a monster in my mind. The prospect of being in this condition long term is just scary.

 

I am here for advice, for information, to hear others experiences and most of all for hope. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

hey man,

 

iad extreme hypervigillance and hyperfocus on symptoms,  ocd like toughts,  constant anxiety (chemical anxiety) wasnt able to relax ,constant terror like anxiety , baseline after baseline it gets better ,

 

its unpredictable  how long it will take for you to fully recover, shame and ruminating toughts its all part of this process, a form of symptom , your perceptions while in acute doesnt help and fhis will get better too

 

this will change and get easier, your not going to feel like that the whole process, idk how long your acute phase will last but give  3 months or 4 for this full survival mode to subside, it gets better.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you. That’s very clear and uplifting. It’s a wild ride. Sometimes all the effort to understand the situation is lost between the noise. One moment I feel like I have it together and the next moment I can’t own that truth.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

While you are in this fragile (acute benzo w/d) state, vigorous exercise might actually be counterproductive. I am now taking a more gentle approach with exercise. I do four 10-min cardio sessions of low to moderate intensity on a stationary bike, spaced about 4 hours apart during the day.  I would keep doing all the other cognitive training things you mentioned, however. The mediation really helps me by activating the parasympathetic nervous system to bring things back in balance with the more dominant sympathetic nervous system we get stuck in during benzo w/d.  I also cleaned up my diet by eating a whole food plant based diet (minimal - animal products, sugar, refined / processed carbs) to fortify my body as much as possible.

 

The waiting part on the brain to heal and start to reverse things is the hardest part bc you are in so much pain. It is a very hard thing to endure, not knowing when things will get better and finally come to an end.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thx. I do find that sometimes the ramp up that comes with a vigorous workout can stay with me throughout the day. I have been into exercising and JiuJitsu for a while so being active is one of the ways I am maintaining my sanity. I’ve stopped the martial arts since I cant be comfortable around others, but the fact that rigorous activity was my normal, and that it plays a role in healing the brain keeps me going back. I will try abstaining on days when I think I might go outside. 

 

As far as diet goes I follow most of the suggestions you gave. I’ve been on a keto/low carb diet alternation for about 3 years now. It’s a relief to me that I have been blessed enough to have these things in place prior to this journey.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Describe the rigorous exercising that you are doing.

 

I was once into high intensity cardio from my early 20s to mid 30s, mostly long distance endurance type activities like running and cycling. I actually think that coupled with some workplace stress I was having during this time is what precipitated anxiety disorder.

 

Exercise is good but it is also a stressor on the body. I was overdoing things and not allowing my body enough time to rest and recover.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would like to suggest joining on on-line self help group called RecoveryInternational.org.        This group has helped over a million people to learn how to cope with, and get rid of things like anxiety, fear, panic, et al.  I used them for terrible panic disorder and I was lucky enough to attend live meetings weekly about 20 minutes from my home.  However, they now have on-line meetings weekly and if you don’t have a live group near you, that is what I suggest you do.  No one will see you.  You can use a fake name.  You don’t have to speak if you don’t want to.  You just need your computer and you log in to the meeting and you see the leader and the information being presented.  It is based on CBT - cognitive & behavioral training.  If you have had that before somewhere else and it did not work, please don’t hesitate to try this group.  They use it and present it in such a way that is unlike anything therapists do and it works.  I was put on benzos for severe panic disorder and for many people when they get off the benzos the original disorder is still there and needs to be dealt with.  Or like you, these things pop up during withdrawal and learning coping techniques and using and practicing them diligently actually changes the brain.  In time, the brain relearns what it is to behave normally again.  It times time and practice but it truly saved my life and many others I know.  Please consider giving it a try.  Go to their site and look it over. 
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am mostly doing sprints since the w/d’s. Probably 1/4 mile sprints at speed periodically on my 2 mile walks; probably 2 days a week, some punching and grappling practice on my martial arts dummy periodically, and dumbbell/weight machine lifts for upper and lower body; periodic as well. The weight training has been light-mid range weights:10-12 reps for 4 sets with an occasional burn out set to finish. My sleep has been a solid 9 hours a night for the past two weeks thankfully.

 

Thank you for the web site link Cberg. I have been thinking about giving the therapy routes a try, but I have been iffy about the effectiveness of it. Glad to hear it helped you. I will visit the link and give it some attention.

 

I’ve been observing my condition and I feel like much of what I am experiencing is my normal anxiety being greatly exacerbated by my physical condition. I noticed that when I tried playing my guitar to relax, my body is revved up like I drank 2 large energy drinks afterwards. By the time I am done it feels like an electrical storm inside my body. When I feel jittery and shaky like that I become very self conscious about shaking and appearing nervous in public. That fuels the social anxiety and it snowballs.

 

One little bit of good news is that a huge portion of my visual disturbances have lifted in the past 3-4 days. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

I’m so frustrated. This is going to be a largely negative rant so I apologize in advance. If you don’t have the strength to read someone’s meltdown you will want to skip this post.

 

I am so exhausted from this anxiety and hyper excitable CNS. I am at a place where I feel like any path I can take will not prosper me. I’m even sick of the whole “misery loves company” thing, but here I am again.

 

It’s day 41 from my C/T. I understand that is a short time, but that’s 41 days of no job. 41 days as a husband and father that is NOT providing for his family. I am locked in my house. I’ve massed debts. I am waiting to heal while pending bills and necessities are piling up like a mountain about to fall on me and my family. I can “accept” certain aspects of this experience, but who can accept being OK with that? I don’t even feel like a human being anymore, but something closer to a tortured animal.

 

I’ve tried the tactics and read all the articles until I am blue in the face. Suicidal ideation haunts me, but thank God my faith keeps me from that path. Why am I filled with this tormenting fear? I keep forcing myself outside over and over in a desperate bid to overcome this terror. Nothing penetrates my mind. The mounting experiences of “I’m OK” brings no “Ah hah!” moment to my psyche.

The mental gymnastics are not even near effective for the power of my adrenaline dumps. Trying to overcome the physical experience I am having with mental exercises seems like trying to thread a needle in the midst of a fist fight. 

 

I cannot “fake it until I make it”. If I could I would, but I can’t. Im uncomfortable and I can tell that everyone around me gets uncomfortable as a result. I just don’t want to be this way anymore. My quality of life is just all gone and I feel like a burden on everyone I love. I am too “inside” of my mind since this started to be who I need to be. I keep a conscious awareness of my fear and wondering when the time will come for this to return to normal.

 

*sigh* I will stop complaining, but I am at my wits end with torment. Fear really does cause torment. I am in anguish. I am sick of my own thoughts. I just want peace.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't have any platitudes for you AnxietyCage but I wanted you to know I hear your words and know your pain and I'm sorry this is happening to you.  I was where you are and made it out the other side, I hope you can get a glimpse of it soon. 
Link to comment
Share on other sites

That sounds incredibly rough going. Wish I had real answers for you, for me as well. I would relieve yourself of any burdens of "should" do. Sounds like you're carrying a heavy load even trying to keep it together. Everyone is different. My advice would mean little if I had any since I'm only doing worse than ever. I can only offer my deepest hopes for you to find peace.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I’m so frustrated. This is going to be a largely negative rant so I apologize in advance. If you don’t have the strength to read someone’s meltdown you will want to skip this post.

 

I am so exhausted from this anxiety and hyper excitable CNS. I am at a place where I feel like any path I can take will not prosper me. I’m even sick of the whole “misery loves company” thing, but here I am again.

 

It’s day 41 from my C/T. I understand that is a short time, but that’s 41 days of no job. 41 days as a husband and father that is NOT providing for his family. I am locked in my house. I’ve massed debts. I am waiting to heal while pending bills and necessities are piling up like a mountain about to fall on me and my family. I can “accept” certain aspects of this experience, but who can accept being OK with that? I don’t even feel like a human being anymore, but something closer to a tortured animal.

 

I’ve tried the tactics and read all the articles until I am blue in the face. Suicidal ideation haunts me, but thank God my faith keeps me from that path. Why am I filled with this tormenting fear? I keep forcing myself outside over and over in a desperate bid to overcome this terror. Nothing penetrates my mind. The mounting experiences of “I’m OK” brings no “Ah hah!” moment to my psyche.

The mental gymnastics are not even near effective for the power of my adrenaline dumps. Trying to overcome the physical experience I am having with mental exercises seems like trying to thread a needle in the midst of a fist fight. 

 

I cannot “fake it until I make it”. If I could I would, but I can’t. Im uncomfortable and I can tell that everyone around me gets uncomfortable as a result. I just don’t want to be this way anymore. My quality of life is just all gone and I feel like a burden on everyone I love. I am too “inside” of my mind since this started to be who I need to be. I keep a conscious awareness of my fear and wondering when the time will come for this to return to normal.

 

*sigh* I will stop complaining, but I am at my wits end with torment. Fear really does cause torment. I am in anguish. I am sick of my own thoughts. I just want peace.

Hey ,

 

  i cant tell anything about how your going to provide /work,  maybe you could try a temporary disability? or your family members could help with your bills, ?

 

im just able to say that at 41 days i was going completely mad , push myself to go out? how ? i was suffering 24/7 with looping suicidal toughs non stop from this agony running tru my veins and mind, extreme inner akhatisia,  paranoia, i couldnt speak fluently, i couldnt think fluently,  i couldnt make a sandwich properly, i was.in pure agony, i tought that this time...when your in the.dephts.or.this process all your toughts are catastrophic,  but this is going to get better

 

many of the symptoms i Listed faded with time , and i m still delaing with a  bunch of symptoms but im not going compeltely nuts or suffering from terrorific kinds of symptoms,  your not going to feel like this forever ...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you all for the encouragements. I said I was tired of “misery loves company”, but the encouragement I receive here really does make this withdrawal more bearable. There’s a certain aspect to the isolation of suffering through something that is little recognized or often denied to exist.

 

I talked to some family members who are on disability when this initially started w/ds and they suggested that the process would likely take longer than it would to heal. So I wrote that off pretty quickly. I have gotten approved for food assistance for a short while and I am thankful for that. Family assistance is not really an option as we all have our own struggles to attend to.

 

I really unloaded on that post the other night under the weight of all this so I wanted to share the good as well.

 

I went to a Mardi Gras parade with my wife and daughter yesterday. First I wasn’t going to go and then I wasn’t going to get out, but once I was there I figured it was the best opportunity to be out in public and blended in. I ended up having an good time. I’m surprised because it was the first day in a little while that I wasn’t looking like I was spazzing out. Then today I pushed the envelope and purposely went to a park that is pretty crowded on Sundays. I wanted the exposure again because it’s really hard to picture getting back to normal. It wasn’t bad. I was able to manage.

 

I say that with a little bit of reserve because I still feel on edge and I was putting allot of effort into composing myself. I don’t want to suppose myself to be ahead of where I really am in healing, but I acknowledge it as progress.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm glad you came back to update us, and I'm happy you pushed yourself to get out and even though it was difficult you managed to feel human for just a little while.  To even be able to use the word enjoy is a huge accomplishment while going through this, I see progress.

 

I hope you felt a sense of accomplishment by going to the park because we somehow have to find a way to maintain the life we want to step back into when we recover and you're doing that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Today makes 50 days since my CT. I don’t know if I have now entered the window/wave stage or if I have passed through the initial acute hell, but I have been maintaining a decreased anxiety/fear for several days now. It isn’t perfect and is higher than my pre-benzo anxiety, but i am able to fake being alright at this current intensity. I am going to observe this for a few days and attempt to get my job back if this keeps up.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Today makes 50 days since my CT. I don’t know if I have now entered the window/wave stage or if I have passed through the initial acute hell, but I have been maintaining a decreased anxiety/fear for several days now. It isn’t perfect and is higher than my pre-benzo anxiety, but i am able to fake being alright at this current intensity. I am going to observe this for a few days and attempt to get my job back if this keeps up.

Keep it up anxietycage. Faking it is really about counter-talking to your brain to present the other side of reality. Benzos mess up our perceptions with anxious and racing thoughts that are really bullsh*t. Figuring that out and calling the bluff on your benzo-driven thoughts is a key part of the process. At almost 2 months out, you should be seeing a window soon - you are indeed passing through acute -- it does get better, it really does!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

It’s day 64 today. It didn’t go away and I didn’t get back to work yet. It really did get better in a general sense, but the anxiety attacks I get when I try to attend any significant event is still too much  :-[ When it’s people I know on a personal level it’s too hard right now.

 

The Sunday and Monday after the last post I made turned out to be hell because I used a throat spray once each morning. The symptoms went back to high acute levels. It didn’t hit me why it ramped up until on the 3rd morning I reached for the throat spray and it occurred to me that it might have caused the flare up. Anyways that quickly went away a day after not using it.

 

I ventured out and tried L-theanine after doing some reading. I am not interested in any other supplements, but I heard enough interesting things about the action of this particular medication to give it a try. I have to say it has calmed me regarding some of the mental distresses. Normally when I have an anxiety attack my thoughts race uncontrollably and it usually takes a very long time to feel anywhere near comfortable afterwards, but I had one today and I felt very uncomfortable over all but the thoughts didn’t vortex out of control and I was able to calm down quicker after having departed the situation. 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Those aha moments when we realize the culprit for our discomfort are so enlightening, I just wish we could connect the dots sooner, but at least you realized the throat spray was the issue.

 

I'm glad to hear the L-theanine was helpful, the fact that you could find a positive in your anxiety attacks tells me you're very self aware which can serve you well during this process.  I think you're wise to limit the supplements, the constant search for the 'cure' can cause anxiety, not to mention playing Guinea pig hurts.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you. In so many regards I have already made progress. I cannot deny it, but I have not returned to daily life yet because I can’t socialize. I am comfortable enough to do whatever when I am in my home, but as soon as I meet with anyone it triggers it. I made the progress of being able to be out in public in my own little bubble, but socializing now is triggering me every time.

 

I attended my church yesterday with people I am comfortable with and I have the added comfort that many know what I am going through there and are compassionate, but nevertheless I got into a conversation and it hit. I began sweating like a water fall. Head pressure started and my nose and teeth went numb. I got a huge migraine and almost had to pull over to throw up on the way home. The same thing happens every time it hits. Anxiety starts and the nose and teeth go numb.

 

In some ways I foolishly wonder to myself if I will have to one day get back on the meds. I hate them and what they have done to me, but what if this is the new normal for me? I have always had the social anxiety, but now it is so exacerbated.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Please, please don't assume this is who you're going to be, you're so early in recovery, this isn't you, I promise it isn't!  It concerns me you're letting your mind wander to thinking these drugs are the answer.  You can certainly look at that in the future but please allow yourself time to recover before even contemplating that scenario. 

 

I had a terrible time being around people when I was recovering and I worked in an office.  I had to hide out in the restroom and takes walks around the building to get away so I could compose myself, what you're feeling is normal for this process.  Since your social anxiety is a pre-existing condition it will most likely stay with you but it won't be anything like this, this off the charts misery caused by the drug.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you so much for taking the time to encourage me. It’s the suffering speaking, and I apologize for it. It’s so hard being a husband and a father and the sole provider for my household. Needs are always pressing and we are getting to a sinking point. Everyone in my life is sort of scratching their heads over my situation. So yeah I am very pressed between how I am and how I need to be.

 

I don’t really want to ever go back to that trash and on a personal level I can commit to this process and stick it out with no problem. It’s wearing away at my wife however. She’s really struggling at the lack of security with no money coming into the house, and no clear end in site. I don’t blame her really. The idea that I could pop a pill and return to work tomorrow becomes tempting. When I see how much strain this is putting on everyone it almost seems like a worthy sacrifice.

 

I am fighting it tho.

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

No need to apologize, this is what we're here for, no one understands this like those who have gone through it. 

 

I can see you're facing a huge dilemma, and honestly, I wouldn't blame you if you made the choice to reinstate but the problem is, sometimes it doesn't work.  I've watched members do this and they either don't feel better or they quickly reach tolerance.  I'm sure there are those who it does work out for but we don't tend to see them here because they leave but I've welcomed back many members who have to start this over again.  Which brings up the issue of kindling, it hasn't been studied as extensively with benzo's as it has alcohol but many members have said that with each successive withdrawal the symptoms have gotten more severe.

 

Many patients report that they have previously discontinued the use of benzodiazepines without any repercussions (or with only mild, short-lived withdrawal). However, when they subsequently use and then attempt to discontinue the use of benzodiazepines, they experience a distressing withdrawal reaction.  Why is the subsequent withdrawal different? One explanation is a phenomenon called kindling.  Kindling, as a result of substance withdrawal, refers to the neurological condition that occurs with repeated withdrawals from sedative-hypnotic drugs like alcohol or benzodiazepines.  With each withdrawal, individuals are at a higher risk for experiencing more severe withdrawal symptoms – up to and including seizures, psychosis and/or death.  While kindling in alcohol withdrawal has been described well, it has received less notice for benzodiazepines.  This indicates the need for a greater understanding of this phenomena common to sedative-hypnotics, and a resultant change in prescriptive practice.

It is important to note that kindling is likely to occur if benzodiazepines are used on a prn (“as-needed”) basis while withdrawing or recovering from benzodiazepine physiological dependence.

 

Say you did reinstate and it worked, would there be a better time in the future to get off the drug?  Maybe when you get another job, build up some more savings and have earned time off or when the kids get older?  But all of this depends on if the drug will allow you to function long enough to get to this point.  Gees, I'm stressed out now and I'm just a bystander.  I'm so sorry you're facing all of this.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You are the best Pam. You would make one helluva therapist in real life.

 

I feel for you AnxietyCage. Unlike myself, you have others (wife and kids) who depend on you. I echo Pam's remarks to you. I know ppl hate these drugs and despise the thought of going back on them. I hate them all with a fierce passion. It would be different if they always worked and you never had a problem with tolerance. I even resisted them when I was 1st put on xanax in 1987. I knew inherently these drugs are addictive and probably not good to take long-term and there was no benzobuddies back then.

 

AnxietyCage, would you say you are now as bad as you were before you started the drugs or have the drugs made things much worse? You have done all the other things to help yourself like exercise, diet, mind/body relaxation, etc.

 

Even before you ever start on benzos, severe non-stop anxiety can wreck your life.

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I’ve heard the term kindling thrown around on here, but I had not previously understood it. Wow, yikes I don’t want any of that.

 

Thanks Anti, I have periodically had light to mild anxiety, but it never really ruled my life. I had entered a new career field around the time I brought it to the attention of my Dr. and at that point it was concerning me. Everything seemed to become worse and worse over the years I was relying on the benzo. Taking a pill for comfort enforced some pretty bad thought habits and fears. After getting off my system has become so frail.

 

I was having some anxiety yesterday and like normal it was triggering some of the other symptoms. I looked down at an exercise mat on my floor. The mat has lines running through the design and I noticed that the lines were appearing to warp and bend. I am so surprised that my vision is still being affected at this point. It’s like being on a psychedelic drug.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

anxiety cage,

yes, I found when I left my job - my world very quickly got very small -- which meant the monster in my mind was being fed and was growing larger by the day.  I have found that even if I feel terrible, I have to show my benzo brain that it is not in danger -- its just highly, highly uncomfortable.  and slowly start to broaden out -- in baby steps. 

 

anyway, I do hope you start to feel better soon.  I know its so hard to explain to our loved ones what is going on --- why we can't just rush back on them -- unfortunately with out systems the way they are - there is no guarantee reinstatement will yield the desired result. --

 

praying things settle soon for you!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

×
×
  • Create New...