Author Topic: Chemical Fear  (Read 1310 times)

[Buddie]

Re: Chemical Fear
« Reply #20 on: March 19, 2022, 09:36:51 pm »
Thank you so much for taking the time to encourage me. Itís the suffering speaking, and I apologize for it. Itís so hard being a husband and a father and the sole provider for my household. Needs are always pressing and we are getting to a sinking point. Everyone in my life is sort of scratching their heads over my situation. So yeah I am very pressed between how I am and how I need to be.

I donít really want to ever go back to that trash and on a personal level I can commit to this process and stick it out with no problem. Itís wearing away at my wife however. Sheís really struggling at the lack of security with no money coming into the house, and no clear end in site. I donít blame her really. The idea that I could pop a pill and return to work tomorrow becomes tempting. When I see how much strain this is putting on everyone it almost seems like a worthy sacrifice.

I am fighting it tho.

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[Buddie]

Re: Chemical Fear
« Reply #21 on: March 19, 2022, 10:29:25 pm »
No need to apologize, this is what we're here for, no one understands this like those who have gone through it. 

I can see you're facing a huge dilemma, and honestly, I wouldn't blame you if you made the choice to reinstate but the problem is, sometimes it doesn't work.  I've watched members do this and they either don't feel better or they quickly reach tolerance.  I'm sure there are those who it does work out for but we don't tend to see them here because they leave but I've welcomed back many members who have to start this over again.  Which brings up the issue of kindling, it hasn't been studied as extensively with benzo's as it has alcohol but many members have said that with each successive withdrawal the symptoms have gotten more severe.

Many patients report that they have previously discontinued the use of benzodiazepines without any repercussions (or with only mild, short-lived withdrawal). However, when they subsequently use and then attempt to discontinue the use of benzodiazepines, they experience a distressing withdrawal reaction.  Why is the subsequent withdrawal different? One explanation is a phenomenon called kindling.  Kindling, as a result of substance withdrawal, refers to the neurological condition that occurs with repeated withdrawals from sedative-hypnotic drugs like alcohol or benzodiazepines.   With each withdrawal, individuals are at a higher risk for experiencing more severe withdrawal symptoms Ė up to and including seizures, psychosis and/or death.  While kindling in alcohol withdrawal has been described well, it has received less notice for benzodiazepines.  This indicates the need for a greater understanding of this phenomena common to sedative-hypnotics, and a resultant change in prescriptive practice.
It is important to note that kindling is likely to occur if benzodiazepines are used on a prn (ďas-neededĒ) basis while withdrawing or recovering from benzodiazepine physiological dependence.


Say you did reinstate and it worked, would there be a better time in the future to get off the drug?  Maybe when you get another job, build up some more savings and have earned time off or when the kids get older?  But all of this depends on if the drug will allow you to function long enough to get to this point.  Gees, I'm stressed out now and I'm just a bystander.  I'm so sorry you're facing all of this.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Chemical Fear
« Reply #22 on: March 20, 2022, 12:24:29 am »
You are the best [...]. You would make one helluva therapist in real life.

I feel for you [...]. Unlike myself, you have others (wife and kids) who depend on you. I echo [...]'s remarks to you. I know ppl hate these drugs and despise the thought of going back on them. I hate them all with a fierce passion. It would be different if they always worked and you never had a problem with tolerance. I even resisted them when I was 1st put on xanax in 1987. I knew inherently these drugs are addictive and probably not good to take long-term and there was no benzobuddies back then.

[...], would you say you are now as bad as you were before you started the drugs or have the drugs made things much worse? You have done all the other things to help yourself like exercise, diet, mind/body relaxation, etc.

Even before you ever start on benzos, severe non-stop anxiety can wreck your life.

Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Chemical Fear
« Reply #23 on: March 21, 2022, 10:26:03 pm »
Iíve heard the term kindling thrown around on here, but I had not previously understood it. Wow, yikes I donít want any of that.

Thanks Anti, I have periodically had light to mild anxiety, but it never really ruled my life. I had entered a new career field around the time I brought it to the attention of my Dr. and at that point it was concerning me. Everything seemed to become worse and worse over the years I was relying on the benzo. Taking a pill for comfort enforced some pretty bad thought habits and fears. After getting off my system has become so frail.

I was having some anxiety yesterday and like normal it was triggering some of the other symptoms. I looked down at an exercise mat on my floor. The mat has lines running through the design and I noticed that the lines were appearing to warp and bend. I am so surprised that my vision is still being affected at this point. Itís like being on a psychedelic drug.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Chemical Fear
« Reply #24 on: March 31, 2022, 01:23:48 am »
anxiety cage,
yes, I found when I left my job - my world very quickly got very small -- which meant the monster in my mind was being fed and was growing larger by the day.  I have found that even if I feel terrible, I have to show my benzo brain that it is not in danger -- its just highly, highly uncomfortable.  and slowly start to broaden out -- in baby steps. 

anyway, I do hope you start to feel better soon.  I know its so hard to explain to our loved ones what is going on --- why we can't just rush back on them -- unfortunately with out systems the way they are - there is no guarantee reinstatement will yield the desired result. --

praying things settle soon for you!
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Chemical Fear
« Reply #25 on: April 04, 2022, 06:57:04 pm »
Cage

I feel your distress, and I am very sorry you are going through this.

What you are experiencing is completely normal and common. CT is a  volcano of withdrawal. I did it 20 years ago, and was in bed, hallucinating, and feeling like I was in the pits of hell for 6 months. At that point, it slowly started to improve. At 9 months, I was able to leave and go places, and resume work. I was still in withdrawal, but the functionless part was behind me. I would still get surges, but I kept going. I felt about 80-% healed at around 2 years.

I still had issues,  one being the prexisting anxiety disorder. I also was very sensitive to stimuli and could find myself slipping back into a withdrawal state, although not as severe as the initial first year.

Also, I believe the damage done to me by the benzo had some very long lasting effects that would, or perhaps would not, heal in time. Notably, the increased sensitivity.

You are allowed to fall apart and break down whenever you want to. This is horrible, and it is exhausting. You may have run out of reserves to keep faking and pushing, so just let go. Cry, let the fears run through you, write down the bad thoughts. Tell your withdrawal to do it's best to hurt as much as possible. I am serious. Demand it to bring it all on, and get on with it.  Allow yourself to experience the brokenness you have been trying to hold back.

You will actually feel better, and more in control after doing this. You will know you can survive a collapse.

Finally, all the things we do to feel better do not heal the CNS, and the CNS controls our entire body. Only time will bring healing.

The activities, exercise, meditation, diet, etc., help us cope. They distract us. They are things we do to hang  on to the best health we can while going through this. They provide a purpose of meaning. A sense of control. And, they usually give us a break while we do them. Think of them as a raft. You are lost in the ocean, and you see  a raft. You can get on it, and it will keep you from drowning. However, it will not remove the ocean underneath you. In time, and time is never consistent nor predictable, you will find oars, and can start using them to find the shore. And, finally, eventually, it will be in sight.

You can't fight the ocean. You can do things that you know will aid you in recovery for the temporary and the long term. I do yoga. Sometimes I feel nothing. However, I know it is very good for my CNS and over all health in the long run. However, it will not stop the withdrawal in general.

Only time as our brain and body engage in healing in their own way, and at their own pace.

This can be very hard to accept. And we can get desperate for escape and become vulnerable to people on YouTube and elsewhere touting a diet, a vitamin, a coach, a type of exercise or meditation or a clinic, or a detox, or a guru. They wont heal you. They could give you some distraction, but only time will give you what you need and want.

You have likely come through the worst of it, this I can not know. However, keep going. It will end.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Chemical Fear
« Reply #26 on: April 18, 2022, 11:52:24 am »
Hang in there, tomorrow will always be different.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.