Author Topic: Chemical Fear  (Read 1299 times)

[Buddie]

Re: Chemical Fear
« Reply #10 on: February 17, 2022, 11:26:07 pm »
That sounds incredibly rough going. Wish I had real answers for you, for me as well. I would relieve yourself of any burdens of "should" do. Sounds like you're carrying a heavy load even trying to keep it together. Everyone is different. My advice would mean little if I had any since I'm only doing worse than ever. I can only offer my deepest hopes for you to find peace.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Chemical Fear
« Reply #11 on: February 17, 2022, 11:34:19 pm »
Iím so frustrated. This is going to be a largely negative rant so I apologize in advance. If you donít have the strength to read someoneís meltdown you will want to skip this post.

I am so exhausted from this anxiety and hyper excitable CNS. I am at a place where I feel like any path I can take will not prosper me. Iím even sick of the whole ďmisery loves companyĒ thing, but here I am again.

Itís day 41 from my C/T. I understand that is a short time, but thatís 41 days of no job. 41 days as a husband and father that is NOT providing for his family. I am locked in my house. Iíve massed debts. I am waiting to heal while pending bills and necessities are piling up like a mountain about to fall on me and my family. I can ďacceptĒ certain aspects of this experience, but who can accept being OK with that? I donít even feel like a human being anymore, but something closer to a tortured animal.

Iíve tried the tactics and read all the articles until I am blue in the face. Suicidal ideation haunts me, but thank God my faith keeps me from that path. Why am I filled with this tormenting fear? I keep forcing myself outside over and over in a desperate bid to overcome this terror. Nothing penetrates my mind. The mounting experiences of ďIím OKĒ brings no ďAh hah!Ē moment to my psyche.
The mental gymnastics are not even near effective for the power of my adrenaline dumps. Trying to overcome the physical experience I am having with mental exercises seems like trying to thread a needle in the midst of a fist fight.   

I cannot ďfake it until I make itĒ. If I could I would, but I canít. Im uncomfortable and I can tell that everyone around me gets uncomfortable as a result. I just donít want to be this way anymore. My quality of life is just all gone and I feel like a burden on everyone I love. I am too ďinsideĒ of my mind since this started to be who I need to be. I keep a conscious awareness of my fear and wondering when the time will come for this to return to normal.

*sigh* I will stop complaining, but I am at my wits end with torment. Fear really does cause torment. I am in anguish. I am sick of my own thoughts. I just want peace.
Hey ,

  i cant tell anything about how your going to provide /work,  maybe you could try a temporary disability? or your family members could help with your bills, ?

 im just able to say that at 41 days i was going completely mad , push myself to go out? how ? i was suffering 24/7 with looping suicidal toughs non stop from this agony running tru my veins and mind, extreme inner akhatisia,  paranoia, i couldnt speak fluently, i couldnt think fluently,  i couldnt make a sandwich properly, i was.in pure agony, i tought that this time...when your in the.dephts.or.this process all your toughts are catastrophic,  but this is going to get better

 many of the symptoms i Listed faded with time , and i m still delaing with a  bunch of symptoms but im not going compeltely nuts or suffering from terrorific kinds of symptoms,  your not going to feel like this forever ...
« Last Edit: February 20, 2022, 11:25:22 pm by [Buddie] »
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Chemical Fear
« Reply #12 on: February 20, 2022, 08:34:46 pm »
Thank you all for the encouragements. I said I was tired of ďmisery loves companyĒ, but the encouragement I receive here really does make this withdrawal more bearable. Thereís a certain aspect to the isolation of suffering through something that is little recognized or often denied to exist.

I talked to some family members who are on disability when this initially started w/ds and they suggested that the process would likely take longer than it would to heal. So I wrote that off pretty quickly. I have gotten approved for food assistance for a short while and I am thankful for that. Family assistance is not really an option as we all have our own struggles to attend to.

I really unloaded on that post the other night under the weight of all this so I wanted to share the good as well.

I went to a Mardi Gras parade with my wife and daughter yesterday. First I wasnít going to go and then I wasnít going to get out, but once I was there I figured it was the best opportunity to be out in public and blended in. I ended up having an good time. Iím surprised because it was the first day in a little while that I wasnít looking like I was spazzing out. Then today I pushed the envelope and purposely went to a park that is pretty crowded on Sundays. I wanted the exposure again because itís really hard to picture getting back to normal. It wasnít bad. I was able to manage.

I say that with a little bit of reserve because I still feel on edge and I was putting allot of effort into composing myself. I donít want to suppose myself to be ahead of where I really am in healing, but I acknowledge it as progress.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Chemical Fear
« Reply #13 on: February 20, 2022, 09:07:24 pm »
I'm glad you came back to update us, and I'm happy you pushed yourself to get out and even though it was difficult you managed to feel human for just a little while.  To even be able to use the word enjoy is a huge accomplishment while going through this, I see progress.

I hope you felt a sense of accomplishment by going to the park because we somehow have to find a way to maintain the life we want to step back into when we recover and you're doing that.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Chemical Fear
« Reply #14 on: February 27, 2022, 01:10:48 am »
Today makes 50 days since my CT. I donít know if I have now entered the window/wave stage or if I have passed through the initial acute hell, but I have been maintaining a decreased anxiety/fear for several days now. It isnít perfect and is higher than my pre-benzo anxiety, but i am able to fake being alright at this current intensity. I am going to observe this for a few days and attempt to get my job back if this keeps up.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Chemical Fear
« Reply #15 on: February 27, 2022, 04:37:09 am »
Today makes 50 days since my CT. I donít know if I have now entered the window/wave stage or if I have passed through the initial acute hell, but I have been maintaining a decreased anxiety/fear for several days now. It isnít perfect and is higher than my pre-benzo anxiety, but i am able to fake being alright at this current intensity. I am going to observe this for a few days and attempt to get my job back if this keeps up.
Keep it up [...]. Faking it is really about counter-talking to your brain to present the other side of reality. Benzos mess up our perceptions with anxious and racing thoughts that are really bullsh*t. Figuring that out and calling the bluff on your benzo-driven thoughts is a key part of the process. At almost 2 months out, you should be seeing a window soon - you are indeed passing through acute -- it does get better, it really does!
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Chemical Fear
« Reply #16 on: March 13, 2022, 03:18:33 am »
Itís day 64 today. It didnít go away and I didnít get back to work yet. It really did get better in a general sense, but the anxiety attacks I get when I try to attend any significant event is still too much  :-[ When itís people I know on a personal level itís too hard right now.

The Sunday and Monday after the last post I made turned out to be hell because I used a throat spray once each morning. The symptoms went back to high acute levels. It didnít hit me why it ramped up until on the 3rd morning I reached for the throat spray and it occurred to me that it might have caused the flare up. Anyways that quickly went away a day after not using it.

I ventured out and tried L-theanine after doing some reading. I am not interested in any other supplements, but I heard enough interesting things about the action of this particular medication to give it a try. I have to say it has calmed me regarding some of the mental distresses. Normally when I have an anxiety attack my thoughts race uncontrollably and it usually takes a very long time to feel anywhere near comfortable afterwards, but I had one today and I felt very uncomfortable over all but the thoughts didnít vortex out of control and I was able to calm down quicker after having departed the situation. 

Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Chemical Fear
« Reply #17 on: March 13, 2022, 02:45:49 pm »
Those aha moments when we realize the culprit for our discomfort are so enlightening, I just wish we could connect the dots sooner, but at least you realized the throat spray was the issue.

I'm glad to hear the L-theanine was helpful, the fact that you could find a positive in your anxiety attacks tells me you're very self aware which can serve you well during this process.  I think you're wise to limit the supplements, the constant search for the 'cure' can cause anxiety, not to mention playing Guinea pig hurts.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Chemical Fear
« Reply #18 on: March 18, 2022, 06:56:15 am »
Thank you. In so many regards I have already made progress. I cannot deny it, but I have not returned to daily life yet because I canít socialize. I am comfortable enough to do whatever when I am in my home, but as soon as I meet with anyone it triggers it. I made the progress of being able to be out in public in my own little bubble, but socializing now is triggering me every time.

I attended my church yesterday with people I am comfortable with and I have the added comfort that many know what I am going through there and are compassionate, but nevertheless I got into a conversation and it hit. I began sweating like a water fall. Head pressure started and my nose and teeth went numb. I got a huge migraine and almost had to pull over to throw up on the way home. The same thing happens every time it hits. Anxiety starts and the nose and teeth go numb.

In some ways I foolishly wonder to myself if I will have to one day get back on the meds. I hate them and what they have done to me, but what if this is the new normal for me? I have always had the social anxiety, but now it is so exacerbated.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.

[Buddie]

Re: Chemical Fear
« Reply #19 on: March 19, 2022, 01:35:44 pm »
Please, please don't assume this is who you're going to be, you're so early in recovery, this isn't you, I promise it isn't!  It concerns me you're letting your mind wander to thinking these drugs are the answer.  You can certainly look at that in the future but please allow yourself time to recover before even contemplating that scenario. 

I had a terrible time being around people when I was recovering and I worked in an office.  I had to hide out in the restroom and takes walks around the building to get away so I could compose myself, what you're feeling is normal for this process.  Since your social anxiety is a pre-existing condition it will most likely stay with you but it won't be anything like this, this off the charts misery caused by the drug.
Suggestions, opinions and/or advice provided by the author of this post should not be regarded as medical advice; nor should it substitute for professional medical care. Consult your doctor before making any changes to your medication. Please read our Community Policy Documents board for further information.