Doing really well until COVID

Hello,

 

I haven't posted here, besides a success story, in ages. I was going along very well and then came down with COVID over New Year's. Commence post acute hell. During the peak of the illness, it was like being in acute wd again. No one understands this like you all do. I'm just here for support. I also nearly died of a deadly virus in Asia in 2016, plus was having all sorts of related CPTSD triggers going off, that I had more or less healed. It was gnarly. Like I was back at my most extreme mental illness/withdrawal again. The helplessness and hopeless were intolerable, the symptoms were severe. It brought up the trauma of this whole tapering and wd process. I was drowning. Had any one else heard of this? Holy cow it was a nightmare. COVID ca actually infect the brain, how it damages receptors in the brain is currently being studied (ACE, serotonin, and dopamine). I wonder how it affects GABA/GLUT as well. It was like the perfect storm.

 

I have stabilized now, mentally and emotionally, but am still dealing with the physical exhaustion/deep fatigue, and these migraines and head pressure coupled with nausea, plus benzo brain memory and cognitive issues. If I have too much stimulation I spin out. Gosh, it's hard being here again. I am doing everything I learned to do to care for myself through this. But it's rough. I have a part time job now and I'm struggling (I'm a behavioral health coach/psychedelic medicine guide). Part of me wants to quit my 2-6 hours a week job it's that bad. I can't even have a conversation without a friend without extreme exhaustion and headaches. The isolation is a nightmare. My life was finally getting back on track.

 

All that being said, I do think I am recovering rapidly, it's only been one month, people have a worse time with this virus without benzo injuries (I'm two years off). I am using this experience to cultivate even deeper loving kindness for myself, heal more trauma that got triggered up (including the benzo trauma), and do the best I can to rest and recover so I can make it to my job (really love my job and need the income). So, both are true. I am suffering some kind of protracted wd/CPTSD/COVID recovery issues, AND I am healing and have all these coping skills to recover again. I am optimistic it will get better and better and it is, but it is hard!

Hi!

 

Sorry you are going through this! If you look at sub Reddit “Covid long haulers” it’s amazing how many of the symptoms match benzo wd!!! I think it’s something to do with glutamate. Don’t worry!! I am sure as you have healed before you will again.

Thanks! I will check it out! I totally agree, there is some kind of correlation between the two. The symptoms really are similar. I work for a psychiatrist and he was sending me all kinds of research when I was losing it. About how covid harms the brain. So do benzos! I am recovering it's just so hard to feel like this again! Oof. Sometimes I am grateful for the benzo hell I went through because it taught me how to deal with extreme illness and suffering!

Sorry you've had to come back, but does sound like you are bouncing back fairly quickly. Another buddie "sage hill" came back a few months ago due to covid after being "healed" a while. She's got a blog http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=260289.0.

 

Hope your recovery doesn't last too long

Thanks! My brain is too foggy to search for this, appreciate the link... 

 

Also found a Harvard gazette article about covid long haul, for anyone interested who finds this post. We know COVID can damage the nervous system. I felt pretty recovered from benzo wd syndrome but was still healing in year 3 now. COVID felt like a brain injury, all the same symptoms.

 

"Then there’s the possibility that there was initial damage from the virus — such as damage to nerve pathways that are then very slow to recover. This could explain some of the profound neurologic symptoms and pain patients experience even after mild COVID, which can take many months to improve."

 

Source: https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2021/04/harvard-medical-school-expert-explains-long-covid/

 

Makes so much sense, I even realized I had to go low histamine again, or take out the old triggers from when I wasn't healed yet from that elimination diet.

Rose I just had covid and it definitely ramped up everything I was very sick. I’m getting back on track slowly but I’m still unwell. I think it will be a long process for me too xx

 

I hope u recover very soon xx

I had covid last year while still recovering from benzos (not healed yet...) anyhow....covid causes massive inflammation all over - and yes in our brain.

I had a rough time with covid and with vaccine so I empathize. I think we're still sensitive for awhile after being healed and this virus is no joke.

give yourself more time:)

Thanks guys,

 

Super rough for me. I have so many strong self care and mindfulness practices, particularly being loving and kind to myself, with however I'm feeling right now. I appreciate your compassion. Benzo recovery makes us into deeply compassionate beings, and that is the positive aspect of all this I hold onto. But I need to write about how I am really feeling right now.

 

What I haven't shared is that I have been severely disabled by mental illness (complex PTSD) and psychiatric meds for 9.5 years. Feeling the brain injury again, and all the intense extreme symptoms, after so many years of serious illness, when I was just starting to be able to live life again, is absolutely devastating for me. I'm in and out of shock, and nervous system shut down (freeze mode), and intense emotional overwhelm exacerbated by all this inflammation from the virus.

 

I could actually comprehend that my brain was on fire/being damaged/having serious inflammation. What sucks is I had just begun a new career I love and I just can't do it anymore. If I didn't have family I would be homeless. I don't qualify for any kind of disability, since I became disabled my last semester of college at 25 years old, so didn't pay into the system. And the other disability option was denied me after a 3 year waiting period, during benzo wd, because I won't take any psych meds (ridiculous), and apparently I'm too young to be disabled, in the eyes of the US government. Because of all this I am in debt to the US gov for loans that the disability was supposed to pay off, for a small amount of monthly money they had given me to just get basic necessities when I bedridden.

 

It's all ridiculous. My family is strapped because my parents both had to go on disability due to my mom having leukemia all of 2021, she is now cancer free (after $3.5 million in treatment, wrap your head around that one) but still recovering from all the procedures.

 

I'm very sad because I feel called to become a buddhist nun, and my beloved teacher zen master Thich Nhat Hanh just passed, and it it is my dream to do this in one of his monasteries. I had planned to get another part time job to pay off my small debts, so I could become an aspirant this fall.

 

It's like no matter what I do, my dreams just keep getting delayed, life just keeps saying f you. It feels like I'll always be an invalid. I just want a life I get to choose. For once. I couldn't choose the family I was born into or the extreme trauma they put me through. I couldn't choose how remembering that trauma would literally take me out of life for 10 years, and then I'd be stuck living with one of them during that time. I'm so sick of being ill. I just want to commit myself to my practice in the monastery, of ending suffering within myself and helping others to do the same. I'm tired of doing it all alone.

 

I'm so tired of the sickbed. I'm so frustrated with this healing process. I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I want my life back. I'm angry this is happening again. After I finally felt hope I'd have a life. That I have to grieve all over again for yet another chronic illness. That I have to surrender once more to my physical health issues. Of course I can practice my mindfulness and deepen my spiritual growth alone, but I'm tired of being alone. Isolated. Sick.

 

For nearly ten years now. Living in a sick society that doesn't care for its differently-abled members. That makes it impossible for us to live independently. It's not like even if I got "permanent disability," that $900 a month is anything but living in extreme poverty, anyhow. I just want to be able to work! To make money to support myself! And now I can't even do much but bed rest. For how long this time? Another year of my life taken by illness?

 

All this topped off by the extreme childhood trauma, plus all the trauma I survived as an adult. I just want to be done (not suicidal, don't worry). I really want to LIVE fully. Sometimes it feels like I've incarnated into my own personal hell, my life has been so traumatic. Including all the iatrogenic illness. I'm so tired. I'm struggling. I'm suffering. I just want to be free.

 

Rose I have no words. I’m assuming u are in US? Ur healthcare system there is so flawed. I am so sorry u aren’t able to get some form of disability payment. It sounds to me you are definitely eligible . U are a very strong person by ur posts here and I hope u can tap into that strength to get you thru another difficult time in ur life. Never forget the courage and strength that has carried you thru so many challenges already. Harness that and fight x

I know we've already messaged, but I wanted to pop in an give some support here too, as you've been so helpful to me.  I have felt and still feel everything you are going through.  I feel absolutely devastated that my life has been stolen from me again.  It is almost unbearable some days.  I feel like I climbed a massive mountain to get out of the illness caused by benzos and have now been drop kicked to the bottom of that mountain again.  And the worst part about it is that this is not withdrawal.  So little is really known about the long-term consequences of it.  But one thing I do know is that there are people who had severe long Covid and have recovered.  So that shows that it is possible and that there is hope. 

 

 

Thanks for your kindness, sage!

I had covid I. NOVEMBER while I was tappering. I thought I was going to go crazy. I called my doctor everyday because of the mental torment. She told me it was probably from the inflammation caused by covid.

It sucks, I'm there now! Absolutely. It can also cause temporary scar tissue in the brain. Today I feel like my mind is going 1000 miles per hour. I can't focus hardly at all. Just sitting here breathing watching it spin

It sucks, I'm there now! Absolutely. It can also cause temporary scar tissue in the brain. Today I feel like my mind is going 1000 miles per hour. I can't focus hardly at all. Just sitting here breathing watching it spin

 

My goodness!  I'm so sorry, Rose.  I thought I was going to go crazy too.  I spent weeks where nearly every day was spent crying, shaking and vibrating, just hanging on for dear life.  It got better!  It has been slow for me because of my autoimmune disease, but it does improve. Hugs!

Thanks, it's really hard to use mindfulness techniques when it gets that bad, but I got off electronics, and did "square" or box breathing technique, got up, washed a couple dishes, walked slowly around my family's two acres and took in the beauty. Laid down on the grass and just breathed with it all. Where I am at, even in the most difficult moments, is accepting life as it is. Surrendering to reality. It's my practice that I have built over years that is getting me through all this, even in the worst moments I know I'm also ok. Life is a constant change. Health included. Nothing is permanent. It took me 15 years of healing work and benzo hell to be here. And I'm grateful for all of it, because the resilience I developed is serving me well in this crisis!

Hi,

I just want to say thank you for writing about what’s happened to you with Covid. I am now 27 months off benzos and turned a corner at 18 months. The last 6 months have been much more manageable, windows getting longer, waves shorter and for me by far the worst symptom the crazy chemical anxiety. The anxiety just faded a lot a 18 months. But like you all I got Covid 3 weeks ago and I feel like I’m back at the beginning again. The anxiety is crazy. When I found this thread and realised this has happened to others it has given me some reassurance that on the other side of this awful Covid wave is the much more manageable recovery symptoms again. So thank you for writing. I wish you all the best recovery. Much love to all going through this. Xxxx

Rose

 

Thank you for coming out here and starting this thread.  I am 3 week into Covid and I too have been thrown back into WD SX including that paralyzing chemical Anxiety.  These symptoms did not kick in really until I felt recovered from the Flu like symptoms on about day 10 then it hit with a bang. Started with brain zap and skin burning then the nausea and now I get this anxiety pull that comes from my stomach and produces paralyzing terror and anxiety. 

 

I am still tapering. I am going very snail pace slow and had my symptoms to very near non existent.  I was living life pretty normally again. I felt at about 90%. In my research I agree that Covid causes inflammation. I am also seeing some of these symptoms even in folks who have not experienced Benzo WD.  I am doing what I can to reduce histamines in my diet.

 

Rose it gives me hope to see you are recovering and have gotten better.  Do you still experience the anxiety?  For me that has been the worst symptom to make a reappearance and I'm anxious for it to take its' leave.  I do hope you make full recovery soon..

 

Trina-Thank you for your input.  I remember you mentioning when you had covid. 

 

Thanks to the others Sage, Shayna and Lumpy for sharing too.  It is a comfort to know we are not alone and not going crazy.

 

I am using the tools I did in early withdrawal to get through. But I sure understand when you were living life and feeling good how this brings it all back and is a shock. 

 

Hugs to all

 

JuJuBi

 

I am sorry you had the virus but it is also great to read that the recovery is going pretty well for you. I had covid in September and still struggle with some consequences. Now am I am reading the description of you fe different types of vitamins on Canada Drugs and want to order some. My immune system is not in the best condition at the moment.

Rose I have no words. I’m assuming u are in US? Ur healthcare system there is so flawed. I am so sorry u aren’t able to get some form of disability payment. It sounds to me you are definitely eligible . U are a very strong person by ur posts here and I hope u can tap into that strength to get you thru another difficult time in ur life. Never forget the courage and strength that has carried you thru so many challenges already. Harness that and fight x

 

Thanks for this. Really. Yes disability here is a nightmare.

I am sorry you had the virus but it is also great to read that the recovery is going pretty well for you. I had covid in September and still struggle with some consequences.

 

It was for a little bit then I crashed hard. Now it's like I've had a stroke or come off benzos again. Same mechanism of action. I've learned that it's due to vagus nerve damage, scarring in brain, and re-activated old viruses (I had dengue some years ago). It's very very much like a benzo injury. At least I KNOW I can heal that. I know what to do. It's meditation, rest, more rest, sitting in the sunshine and fresh air, battling to take care of myself on a daily basis when I don't feel I can (hard to get up), and heaps of self compassion, understanding and love. I've also gone keto and lost like 15-20# the past four days, no joke. That's how much inflammation and water retention/weight was in my body. One woman put it like having a stroke. Yes. Brain damage is serious!

I am sorry you had the virus but it is also great to read that the recovery is going pretty well for you. I had covid in September and still struggle with some consequences.

 

It was for a little bit then I crashed hard. Now it's like I've had a stroke or come off benzos again. Same mechanism of action. I've learned that it's due to vagus nerve damage, scarring in brain, and re-activated old viruses (I had dengue some years ago). It's very very much like a benzo injury. At least I KNOW I can heal that. I know what to do. It's meditation, rest, more rest, sitting in the sunshine and fresh air, battling to take care of myself on a daily basis when I don't feel I can (hard to get up), and heaps of self compassion, understanding and love. I've also gone keto and lost like 15-20# the past four days, no joke. That's how much inflammation and water retention/weight was in my body. One woman put it like having a stroke. Yes. Brain damage is serious!

 

That's kind of how it was for me too.  There was a period of time in the month right after I had the virus that I thought I was going to get well.  Then I crashed hard.  Months 3 and 4 were hideous.  Some days it feels like I'm making progress, but I still get nasty waves.  This is so hard!