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First day back to work


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Today was going to be my first day back to work (phased return with adjustments) It is now 10 weeks since I (accidentally) went cold turkey off Diazepam. It has been 10 weeks I have been off work sick. Today was my first day back but I had to call in sick 😲

I was so anxious about my return to work that I layed in bed all night, I couldn't sleep. I was laying there thinking about it...I could hear my heart thumping!

I'm anxious about people looking at me, asking me questions. I have particular fears about people noticing that I'm anxious. I get anxious about using the clocking in machine and signing in and out. I worry that people will notice that I'm shaking. When I get in a state like this I can barely pick up a pen and write my name. It sounds ridiculous but for me it's hell! These 10 weeks have been the first time in 20 years that I am doing things without medication! Does anyone have any tips for overcoming this situation without going to the GP for medication?

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I returned to work 3 weeks after my cold turkey and can relate to your fears, mine had an added component of shame because I entered a detox facility when I left work but walked out the first night when I saw what they were going to do to me.  My boss and co-workers probably thought I was a drug addict who was trying to beat the system by saying I was going to detox but still using drugs because I left. 

 

I know how scary it is to go back there but each and everything you've mentioned is the drug talking and each thing is manageable when you take them on one at a time instead of throwing them at you all at once.  The drug is trying to build all of this up in your mind but it's your job to break them down to their easy and manageable components, can you do this?

 

As for the shaking, no one can see it, you look perfectly normal on the outside, no one will know you're screaming on the inside.  People will be able to see that you're not as outgoing as you used to be but they'll understand when you tell them you had a terrible reaction to a medication your doctor prescribed to you and its taking a long time to recover from it.

 

I was a nervous wreck too but I found ways to cope, I'd go into a bathroom stall when I couldn't be around people and I went for short walks around the building.  I told two co-workers I trusted what was really going on with me and asked for their help when things got too overwhelming and they looked out for me.

 

You're going to feel so much better when you face your fear because you don't want fear ruling your life.  You're going to feel a sense of satisfaction because you did what you needed to do even though it was hard.  I'm excited to hear about your first day back at work tomorrow.  :thumbsup:

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Oh Pamster thankyou so much for your reply. You went back at just 3 weeks 😲I really admire you!

I just want to say that it's true, sometimes people really can see me shake. It is not just benzo withdrawal but anxiety and fear that I used to use Diazepam to cover it up. I can't imagine doing some things without medication...but I don't want to turn to any medication not yet. My boss has messaged me saying that she doesn't think that I'm ready yet for work. I'm not sure if I am but I know that the anxiety will be there tomorrow,next week,next month.....🙄

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Oh dear Mrsbump, I'm sorry to hear how bad this is for you, I can see that your situation is a lot different from mine.  I agree that your fear and anxiety will be there tomorrow, next week and next month but this is what makes it so imperative that you at least try to work through this. 

 

Is there any way your boss would allow you to go in for a short while just to test the waters?  Is there any work you can do from home to ease back into things?

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Hi Pamster, no it is not possible to work from home. My boss has said that it is possible to come back when I feel ready and to come in for just a few hours to start with. I now just need to find the courage to go😳
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Your boss sounds like a wonderful person, I'm so glad she'll work with you! 

 

Okay, here's how its going to go, I'll be here to build your confidence every day until you're ready to do this because I think you can.  You're smart, I've read your posts and can see you're not too cognitively challenged and you're self aware enough to know what your other challenges are so lets make a list of what scares you the most and derive strategies for facing each and every one of them.  Deal?

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Deal 😊

 

Ok so I'm now here thinking about what scares me the most....

 

I generally have a fear of fear itself, I got to the point before where I was taking Diazepam to prevent anxiety.

 

I particularly fear anyone noticing my anxiety, as I have already mentioned.

 

Going to work I'm anxious about ....

 

Trying to get to sleep the night before.

Getting ready for work (I often find anxiety kicks in when I'm getting ready to go out)

The drive to work

Arriving at work

Clocking in

Signing in (I have to do this twice)

Signing out x 2

Clocking out

Having a meeting

Signing paperwork

Seeing people at work

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Wow, I know exactly how and what you are feeling Mrsbump. I went through this in 2008. Unfortunately for me, despite all the accommodations my Company made for me to ease me back into the workforce, I could not do it any longer. I was just too sick from the Valium pooping out on me (constant panic attacks, severe anxiety, and complete inability to sleep at night). I will come back to this thread and expound a little later after I am done exercising. This literally tore my life apart after working for this company over 25 years. I worked for a terrific Fortune 500 company, great pay and fantastic benefits. To make a long story short, I ended up having to file for disability benefits. I was ultimately approved, but this was a devastating life event for me. I was in a deep dark black hole for 2.5 years after this happened to me.
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Deal 😊

 

Ok so I'm now here thinking about what scares me the most....

 

I generally have a fear of fear itself, I got to the point before where I was taking Diazepam to prevent anxiety.

 

I particularly fear anyone noticing my anxiety, as I have already mentioned.

 

Going to work I'm anxious about ....

 

Trying to get to sleep the night before.

Getting ready for work (I often find anxiety kicks in when I'm getting ready to go out)

The drive to work

Arriving at work

Clocking in

Signing in (I have to do this twice)

Signing out x 2

Clocking out

Having a meeting

Signing paperwork

Seeing people at work

 

Fear of fear itself, I remember taking a pill in preparation for anything and everything in my life, you brought back a memory.  I have a little mountain cabin that I've been going to since I was 5 years old, it's a part of me and always has been.  That stupid pill made me afraid to go to my cabin so I'd have to take a pill in order to go relax in a little mountain cabin, how ridiculous is that?  :tickedoff:

 

I'm going to take the first one on your list and talk about it then you can give me your take, okay?

 

Do your co-workers know about your anxiety, have you shared this with anyone?  I guess I'd like to know why it would be so bad if someone noticed you're anxious?  Anxiety is such a common human condition, even if someone doesn't suffer chronically from it almost everyone can relate to it.  Would you be embarrassed and feel like you needed to explain yourself?  What if you just accepted the fact that you're anxious about going back and instead of trying to pretend that you're not (which by the way puts a lot more stress on you), what if instead you let your co-workers know that you've been going through some personal and medical issues that have been rough on you and you're still working it out but for now you're a little fragile?  People are basically good and if they see you're struggling with something, they'll usually reach out to comfort or at least cut you some slack.

 

Am I way off course with my take, if so don't be afraid to let me know because this is a goal we're working towards so I hope you'll be honest with me.

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All my co-workers, supervisors, plant managers...everybody knew my history with benzos, panic attacks, and anxiety. LOL....hell, I told virtually anyone who wanted to listen. I was not doing anything illegal that I needed to hide. When I was inpatient in 2006, many of these ppl came to the hospital to see me even tho I did not want anyone to see me in the state I was in during this time. I both felt and looked like death. Lost an incredible amount of weight in a very short amount of time. I try to block this experience from my memory. It was the most painful experience of my entire life. I was inpatient for almost a month and I left there in worse shape than when I came there.
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Mrsbump

 

I understand some of your work fears. I also have anxiety related to my job and some very irrational fears. I have been making some good progress with this. 6 months ago I freaked out because I had to attend an after hours function.  I just faked a migraine as I couldn't for the life of me do it. Then in December I had a similar function and I managed to get through it, even though I left early. Baby steps...

 

I want to make some suggestions that I hope could help you. Things I did to make it easier on myself when faced with work anxienty. For the drive to work I would have my favourite music ready and lined up in the car to play. I would only focus on the music and the lyrics and not let my mind think about the drive there or all the "what if's" that could happen.

 

I would create "reward times" for myself throughout the day. I have a specific tea that I love and I take my tea to work. So after 'surviving' the drive to work, I always reward myself with a nice cup of tea. Lunch time I would take my lunch and walk out to the park close by and watch the children play. In the afternoon, I would schedule a quick call with my husband or my kids. It can be anything that lifts your spirit and take your mind off work.

 

I also have a suggestion for the shaking. When you become anxious and you start shaking, the first thing that usually happens is you become extremely self-aware which makes things worse. Instead, how about playing it off with humor? If you see someone looking at your shakes, maybe you can put a big smile on your face, take one hand and gently slap the other hand while saying something like "hey behave now and sign that paper". If people see you don't take yourself too seriously, they tend to not make a big deal either, and it makes you feel less self aware. If someone asks you about your shaking, would you be comfortable to just say something like you have a medical condition and you are working with your doctor on it? Like Pamster said, anxiety is nothing to be ashamed of, but I understand we are often in a position at work where we do not want others to know what we are experiencing is anxiety. I do think you'll feel much better if you are able to tell them you have some kind of condition instead of worrying about it all the time. 

 

It did help me to go back in "sessions" after Covid lockdown. I started with a couple of hours and then increased the hours. It was less daunting at the beginning as I knew I only had to get through 2-3hrs a day.

 

You can get through this! One day at a time, second by second.  Baby steps...  :smitten:

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Hi Antibenzo7, thankyou for your reply. I wish you didn't know how I feel. It sounds as though you have been through allot. How are you now?

No...my co-workers are not aware of how I feel. I don't actually work directly with anyone however I'm surrounded by lots of people.I have not even worked there for very long. I don't know why I feel so embarrassed about being anxious, it is part of my disorder. Many years back I was diagnosed with social anxiety and general anxiety.

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Pamster, apologies...it seems I have replied to you in my message above regarding coworkers. Thankyou to everyone for your replies. I don't have much time now because IM OFF TO WORK 😳
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Congratulations on going back to work Mrsbump  :thumbsup:

I hope you had a good day :hug: if not - there is always tomorrow  :hug:

 

As for "trying to get to sleep the night before" - I just tell myself "just lay here and rest" and try not to force the sleep part, maybe you could try that?

 

 

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Good luck Mrsbump. Let us know how it goes. I know what you are feeling very well. You are gonna be a little anxious on your 1st day back but once you get there, things will settle down a little. In my 25 years working for the Company I talked about, I was out sick over the years on STD several times bf my final collapse but I was always able to return until the valium  completely stopped working in 2008 and I was unable to sleep. I would always be really nervous on my 1st day back. After that 1st day, things got easier and easier as I got back into the groove of things. Plus, since everyone there knew my medical history, it was easier to RTW in some ways after being out benzo sick.
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Thankyou all so much for your replies and support 🥰

I did it! 😁😁😁

I was very anxious and my benzo withdrawal symptoms were giving me hell...but I still did it and I'm so pleased that I did. I'm sure I will feel anxious tomorrow too but I'm feeling determined. For the first time in 20 years I'm doing this without Diazepam. So happy ❤️

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This is so good to hear. Congrats to you. It will get easier and easier as the days go by. I had a very stressful, altho highly paid blue collar job. Had I been able to manage the workplace stress better, I might have lasted longer.
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Good morning Antibenzo7, thankyou for thinking of me.

Last week I managed to go in 3 days out of 5, just for a few hours. I am not in work today. I could not sleep so I'm not feeling great. When I can't sleep my symptoms are even worse. For example my brain feels like it's vibrating allot, I get more anxious, numbness and tingling etc.

I am back to work on a phased return. My boss has text me to see why I am not in work. All of this just adds to my anxiety. I feel bad about work but I just can't seem to get back into a routine. The normal start time is 6am, which means I have to be up 5am. I don't know how on earth I'm going to manage it...I have struggled to get in work for 7:30am!

I have tried going to bed earlier. It seems my body wants more sleep now more than ever.

How are you? 😊

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3 out of 5 days is a huge accomplishment and while your boss can't quite understand this, we do! 

 

Try not to treat your inability to go in today determine what will happen tomorrow, all is not lost even though your brain is telling you it is.  What you did you can do again, you'll find the strength.

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